I didn’t say it, but I felt like telling him Lilly was a fucking millionaire and could afford the real kind. Junk food was junk food. “You’re lucky we’re getting them at all.”
I was cranky. I knew it but it was one of those things that couldn’t be helped. I felt off. I would have preferred to have just stayed in bed, but it wasn’t an option. We had made plans to hang out with Lilly today. I was bringing some snacks, instead of mooching off her all the time. My intention had been to make some brownies last night, but after the long day at the beach, I had been way too wiped out. Hence, my emergency trip to the grocery store to pick up some bakery items and chips.
I was on a mission to get through the store as fast as possible. I pushed the cart down another aisle, not entirely sure what I was looking for. “Can I get candy?” Jake asked.
“Yes,” I mumbled. My hands gripped the cart as a wave of nausea washed over me.
I stopped walking, closed my eyes, and tried to fight back the urge to vomit. I never got sick. The feeling passed, but I could feel it lingering. I needed to get out of the store before there was a very embarrassing situation.
“Grab your candy bar and let’s go,” I told him.
I waited while he browsed the endless selection. Another wave of nausea washed over me. With it came a terrifying thought. “Oh shit,” I whispered.
“What’s wrong?” Jake asked.
“Nothing. Did you find your candy bar?”
“Yep.”
“Toss it in. I need to grab one more thing.”
I was hoping he was too young to realize what I was grabbing. Being it was the grocery store we were in and not a drug store, my options for a pregnancy test were limited. I grabbed one, tossed it in, and headed for the checkout before he could ask me what it was. I paid for our groceries and practically ran out of the store.
I considered calling Lilly and telling her I wasn’t feeling up to hanging out for the day, but I quickly scrapped the idea. Jake would be sorely disappointed, and with the way I was feeling, I needed him occupied. Plus, if that little test proved positive, I was going to need moral support.
“I had a lot of fun yesterday,” Jake said out of the blue as I navigated the morning traffic.
That made me smile. He had been talking about the day out with Ashton since we’d gotten home last night. “I had fun too.”
“Ashton is funny,” he commented.
I smirked. “He can be.”
“He said he never goes for hikes or to the beach. What does he do all day?”
I shook my head. “I guess he probably works or maybe watches movies. I’m not really sure.”
I popped my eyes into the rearview mirror to gauge his reaction. He looked confused. I was glad Jake thought our lifestyle was normal. We were always out at parks or at the beach, doing stuff that was free. His Wii didn’t exactly provide a lot of entertainment with the old, outdated games. In some ways, I was glad I didn’t have the money to buy the newer game systems. He lived life like kids twenty years ago lived.
“Can we take him to the other beach?” he asked.
I shrugged. “That’s really up to him.”
“I bet he would like it.”
I nodded. “I think he would. Maybe when it gets a little warmer.”
That seemed to satisfy him. He stared out the window, a peaceful, contented look on his face. I was glad yesterday had gone so well. I had been nervous as hell, worried Ashton would be a jerk to Jake. My worries were for naught. They got along very well. Ashton had been nervous about hanging out with a kid, but he was a natural.
We got to Lilly’s house, and before Jake could dash out and ditch me with the bags, I stopped him. I grabbed the bag with the test in it and let him carry the other. Lilly was in the kitchen, music pumping through the sound system as she slid cookies from a baking sheet onto a plate.
“You made cookies?” I asked with surprise.
“It’s really the only thing I can make,” she said with a laugh.
“We brought chips!” Jake announced.
“Awesome! We’re going to have a real feast!”
He laughed, and just like he always did, he snatched a cookie from the plate. Lilly pretended to swat at him with the spatula, sending him into a fit of laughter as he raced away. “I’m getting my swim shorts on,” he hollered.
I sat down on one of the barstools, feeling completely drained.
“I’ve got big news,” she said.
“What kind of news?” I asked, thinking I might have big news of my own.
“I’m going to do it!” she said, her excitement evident.
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to take on that Big Brother program!”
I was happy for her. I was thrilled for her, but just then, there was something more pressing to deal with. I held up a hand and raced for one of the many bathrooms in her house. All my effort to keep myself from losing my light breakfast was lost. My willpower was not that powerful, which led me to believe there was only one thing more powerful than my need not to puke. Morning sickness. I had only puked a handful of times in my life. I prided myself on my iron stomach and my iron-fisted control over my body.
It was when I was pregnant with Jake that I lost that control. Once the contents of my stomach were gone, I felt slightly better. I ran cold water over my face and took several deep breaths. I didn’t want to be pregnant. I didn’t want to acknowledge I had been reckless and found myself in a position that I wasn’t ready to be in.
I looked in the mirror, my face pale with dark circles under my eyes. I looked like hell. I should have put on makeup before I left the house. I needed to take the test before I really started to freak out. Maybe, just maybe, I had picked up a bug.
I walked back toward the kitchen, my eyes glancing outside and finding Jake already swimming. The child was half fish. I teased him about his love of water, calling him Aquaboy, which he got a real kick out of.
“Want to explain this?” Lilly asked, holding up the pregnancy test.
“Does it need an explanation?” I asked, lacking any real emotion.
“Seriously?” she asked, surprise on her face.
I nodded. “I think so.”
“Wow,” she murmured. “I’m shocked.”
“I wish I could say I was, but when you play with fire, you’re bound to get burned.”
“You have to be the unluckiest woman I know. One time with the man and you get yourself knocked up. He must be very virile, and you are one fertile lady.”
I grimaced. “It wasn’t exactly one time.”
She raised an eyebrow. “What?”
I shrugged. “There were a couple of other times as well.”
She threw the box at me. “I won’t lecture you about condoms. Go take it. Let’s see what we’re working with here.”
I scoffed. “Are you going to carry it for me?”
“Don’t get snarky with me, young lady. Go take the test. I want to know if I’m going to be an aunt again.”
I groaned. “If I take the test, then I’m going to know for sure. I think I’d like to live in denial a little longer.”
“But if it’s negative, then you don’t have to worry about it at all,” she offered.
I took the box and stared at it. I didn’t need the test to know. “I already know I am,” I whispered. “What am I going to do?”
“You’re going to go take the test. Then I’m going to put away all my alcoholic drinks I was planning and get you some orange juice. Then we’re going to sit down and talk next steps.”
I slowly nodded. “Okay.”
“Okay, go.”
I slid off the stool and walked back to the bathroom like a woman walking to her jail cell. I quickly read the instructions on the box. It was self-explanatory but it had been ten years since I had taken a pregnancy test. I wasn’t sure if something had changed.
I took the test and left it on the counter. I didn’t want to look. I was scared to kno
w the truth, even if I already knew. I opened the bathroom door and found Lilly waiting for me. “Well?” she asked.
“It says to wait a full five minutes.”
She waved a hand. “I doubt you have to wait.” She made a move to go in the bathroom.
I blocked her. “Don’t. I can’t look.”
“I’m looking,” she said and pushed me out of the way.
I watched Jake sitting on the edge of the pool, his feet in the water as he kicked back and forth. I waited for Lilly to give me the news. When she said nothing, I turned to see what exactly she was doing with the test.
“Well?” I asked.
“You said you didn’t want to know,” she answered.
I rolled my eyes and stepped back in the bathroom. The two pink lines stared back at me. “Shit,” I breathed the word. Confirmation of what I suspected was staring me in the face.
“I guess Jake is going to get that little brother or sister he was asking for,” she said with a laugh.
“Oh my god,” I said with a combination of disbelief and terror.
I was barely able to make ends meet as it was. How was I going to support a baby? Ashton was going to lose his mind. He had made it very clear he didn’t want children. I couldn’t expect him to change his mind because I was now pregnant. Would he fire me? Would he offer child support?
“Hey, it’s not that bad,” Lilly assured me. “You’ve done this before. It has to be easier the second time around.”
“How am I going to handle a baby? Daycare? I just—I don’t know.”
“Your baby daddy can afford to help you out,” she said. “Don’t let him off the hook. This is his responsibility as well.”
“He’s going to think I did this on purpose,” I told her, thinking back to the woman who had accused him of impregnating her. “He is going to be furious.”
“If he’s furious, he only has himself to blame. He could have put on a condom.”
I nodded. “I know, but he really does not want kids. This is not good.”
She shrugged. “Sometimes, things happen for a reason.”
I groaned. “I wish I knew what that reason was.”
Chapter 33
Ashton
I was feeling good. I liked the way things were going. I was hoping I could convince Willow to allow me to take her and Jake out on my boat this weekend. Now that I knew where it was.
I wasn’t sure if Jake liked fishing, but I had not been fishing in a long time and thought we could do it together. I would, of course, have to clear it with Willow, but I had a feeling she would be okay with it. I would pick up a kid’s life jacket to make sure she knew I was serious about keeping her son safe. I thought about the way she had been with him at the beach. She was a good mom, a protective mom.
I stopped at my favorite coffee shop and picked up two coffees. I wasn’t exactly whistling while I walked, but I did have a little extra pep in my step. I was happy. It wasn’t that I had never been happy before, but it was a different happy. It was more fulfilling, all-encompassing. I felt the happy right down to my toes.
When I got to the office, Willow was already sitting at the desk, working away. “Good morning,” I greeted.
She looked up and offered a small smile. “Hi.”
It wasn’t exactly the exuberant greeting I was hoping for. “I brought you coffee.”
“Thank you,” she said, taking the cup and putting it on the desk without taking a drink. I had seen her suck down coffee like water, so her reaction seemed a little odd.
I waited for her to say something more. She said nothing, which made me feel awkward. “All right, I’m going to go in,” I said, expecting her to stop me.
She didn’t. I sat down at my desk, my excitement for the day deflated. I wasn’t sure what I could have done between when I left them on Saturday and this morning. I would wait it out. Maybe she just had an off morning. We all had them. I focused on work. Waiting for her to come in like she usually did.
When I heard her soft knock, I waited to see if she would come right in or if we were back to being formal. The door opened, and I found myself breathing a sigh of relief. At least that part was normal. “What’s up?” I asked.
She walked toward the desk, handing me a piece of paper. “Your schedule.”
“Ah, thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
She turned to walk out. “Willow?”
“Yes?”
“Is there something bothering you?”
She shrugged. “No. Nothing”
“Willow,” I prodded.
“Really, nothing is wrong.”
I nodded, knowing damn well she was lying. “I had fun on Saturday.”
That seemed to get through. She came back toward the desk and sat down in the chair. “Did you?”
I offered her a smile. “Of course. It was cool to see stuff I haven’t seen before.”
“And Jake?” she questioned.
“What about him?”
“Were you okay hanging out with him? You seem to be very anti-kids.”
I shrugged. “I’m not anti-kids. They’re just not for me.”
“Why?”
I didn’t know if I had a good answer. “It’s just not for me.”
“How do you know if you’ve never tried?”
I leaned back, steepling my hands together. “Because I know people. People are preprogrammed to be selfish. They are made to care about themselves.”
“Well, yes, but that doesn’t mean people can’t care about other people. Parents—most parents—have an instinctive need to care about their children.”
I scoffed. “Not all.”
“I suppose not, but you don’t seem like an evil villain to me. Do you think you wouldn’t care about your own child?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know.”
She studied me. I felt like she was examining my very soul. “You don’t ever want a family of your own?”
“Nope.”
“That seems strange to me.”
I raised my shoulders. “I don’t know what else to say. Families are overrated. I have a good life. I like being able to do what I want, when I want. I don’t have to worry about screwing up a kid or giving them a shitty childhood that requires therapy as an adult.”
She laughed. “That’s a very bleak outlook.”
“It’s a realistic outlook. Look at people nowadays. Everyone is carrying around all this baggage from their childhoods. I don’t want to be the cause of someone needing therapy. I don’t want to be baggage.”
She let out a long sigh. “I guess I understand but it just seems like you’re depriving yourself of a lot of happiness.”
“Maybe, but I think I’m saving some poor kid from a lot of misery.”
She wrinkled her nose. “I think you are being too hard on yourself. Lots of new parents are terrified they are going to screw up their kids. I was. I still am. And yes, he will probably need therapy at some point, but you do the best you can.”
I shook my head. “I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be a father if I wanted to. It would be like you deciding to be a dog. You wouldn’t know the first thing about being a dog. You would screw it up. I would screw up being a dad.”
She looked sad. “That’s really too bad because I think you could do anything you set your mind to.”
“Probably, but I won’t be setting my mind to that.”
“I should get back out there,” she said in a very un-Willow-like way.
“I did have a good time with you and Jake,” I reiterated. I didn’t want her to think I was anti-kids. “I was serious when I said I would like to hang out with you guys again. Jake told me about a funhouse or something. I told him he could show me the way out.”
She nodded. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
It wasn’t exactly an invitation. “Okay.”
She left my office, closing the door behind her. She was obviously still not happy. I would leave it alone for now. I worked a little
longer. My mind kept drifting to the rather awkward conversation. It was kind of out of left field.
It was an hour later when she came back into my office. I was looking forward to stealing a kiss or maybe getting a good grope in. We had not had sex in the office since that last time, but there had been an occasional stolen kiss, some whispered dirty words, and the brush of a hand over one another. Saturday, I had kept my hands to myself out of respect for the kid, but I was craving her touch.
“Hi,” I said, offering her a grin.
“You need to go to the store on Eighth,” she replied.
It wasn’t exactly the response I was looking for. “When?”
“Now, I would guess.”
I checked the time and realized it was almost lunchtime. “We can go and grab lunch after we’re done.”
“I’ve got some things I need to do here. You can go without me. I brought my lunch today anyway.”
Again, I was surprised. “Oh. Can it wait?”
She let out a long sigh. “No, not really. I need to get some stuff done. You don’t need me with you. You don’t have anything else on the schedule for today, so you’re free to take as long as you need.”
I nodded. “Thanks.”
She turned and walked out without saying another word. It was clear she was pissed at me. I didn’t have the first clue about what it was I must have done. This was exactly why I didn’t do relationships. I wasn’t good at understanding or reading people. I didn’t know how to be sensitive. I didn’t get all the feelings and weirdness that almost always led to hurt feelings and anger.
I blew out a breath and finished writing the email I had been working on. It was moments like these that I missed Kyle. He was the guy who went to the stores and dealt with the managers. The last time I had popped into a store, I had fired the manager. And the other time, I had nearly caused a good manager to quit.
With Kyle gone, I had to do it. I got to my feet, collected my things, and headed out to try and convince Willow one last time to go with me. “I’m getting ready to go,” I said, leaving the sentence kind of hanging open.
“Okay,” she said, her fingers flying over the keyboard.
“Are you sure I can’t convince you to come along? You’re the voice of reason.”
Spring It On Me Page 20