by Blair, E. K.
His words make me take a pause to reflect back on my time with Trent, and even though it’s mostly overshadowed by my leaning on him, moments appear when maybe he was leaning on me. I examine those instances deeper, and wonder why I never saw them before right now.
Maybe it’s because he comes about it from a different angle than I do. Maybe I was giving him what he needed when he confided in me about the things he’d gone through as a kid, when he opened up about his feelings toward his mother getting engaged and the abandonment of his dad. Perhaps he was looking for compassion and advice, both of which I gave. If I take a step back, I wonder if we’re not as far off as what I convinced myself of.
Sulking into the cushions, I sigh heavily.
“What is it?”
“I don’t know. Maybe it was almost losing you that got everything so messed up for me.”
“Yeah, things like that can screw with your head.”
“I was just so scared.”
“But you can’t shut people out when you get scared.”
“That’s not what I did.”
“That’s exactly what you did,” he states. “Don’t you think it was unfair to assume that you were a burden to him.”
A whole new version of guilt blooms in my stomach.
“You took the thoughts in your head and convinced yourself that they were in his, and then you didn’t even talk to him about it. You broke up with him.”
“God, you make it sound so cold.”
“Because it was,” he says, almost scolding me. “Kate, what the hell are you doing?”
I stare at him because I don’t have the answer.
“Why would you sabotage something that was going so well?” he questions and then continues without giving me space to respond. “When he came to visit over your birthday, the two of us had several really good chats, and let me tell you something, that boy loves you, and never once did I get the impression that he felt you were too needy,” he says, but he doesn’t stop there. “Your mother also told me how he stepped up for you girls when I was in the hospital. I’m just shocked that you threw away a relationship that appeared, from my perspective, to be a solid one.”
And then something clicks.
What if Trent was right? What if my not feeling good enough isn’t coming from him, but rather Caleb?
What if this has nothing to do with Trent at all? The man who saw past my faults, resurrected my heart, and brought me back to life.
Memories of Trent slip down my cheeks like faded cracks of thunder as I sit in a constant state of heartbreak. After everything I’ve destroyed, I still sleep in the comfort of how it felt to be loved by him, in the gentle moments of his purity. I miss him and I don’t know how to make myself stop.
“I was scared,” I confess on a damp whisper.
“Of what?”
“Of losing him.”
“So why did you break up with him?”
“I guess I figured it would eventually end anyway, and I thought it would hurt less to do it sooner rather than later.”
“It doesn’t make sense,” he says, lifting my chin so he can look into my eyes.
“First I lost Piper and then Caleb and then when I almost lost you . . . I just wanted to protect myself.”
His eyes soften. “If you were scared of losing him, why did you force your fears on yourself instead of holding on to him tighter?”
“Because I didn’t want to be blindsided the way I always am.”
“So, this is about you being scared of not being in control?”
There’s a shift inside me when he says this, and slowly, more pieces start coming together.
“You think nothing can break your skin if you throw walls in front of you? Because that’s what you did when you pushed him away. That was you putting up a wall,” he says, brushing a stray tear from my cheek. “Look at you. Look at the pain you’re in. That alone should tell you that your walls mean nothing in this world. No matter how far you run or how many walls you hide behind, you can’t protect yourself from feeling the effects of life’s hardships. They will always find you. They find all of us.”
He’s right. I’ve been fighting myself for months, and for what? To be sad and alone and hating myself for hurting Trent the way I did just to protect myself, only to wind up running into the exact heartache I was trying to avoid? I’m a wreck.
“But you know what you can do? You can surround yourself with people who love you enough to walk through the shit storms with you so you don’t have to do it alone. And let me tell you something, there is nothing worse than walking through life alone.”
The weight of what he is saying slams into me, shattering everything I convinced myself of into infinite fractals of regret. I drop my head into my palms, and he pulls me into him and hugs me as I digest his truth.
“I miss him so much,” I cry as he holds me.
“Then stop being a foolish girl and be honest with him.”
“He hates me.”
“I don’t believe that.”
Pulling back, I dry my tears with the sleeve of my shirt. “He does.”
“So what?” he dismisses. “Do you love him?”
“Yes.”
“Are you willing to let go of your insecurities in order to be with him?”
I nod.
“Then he deserves to be able to make the decision of whether he wants to be with you instead of you forcing that choice on him.”
“What if he doesn’t want to be with me?”
“Then you’ve learned a hard lesson, and you move on and grow from it,” he tells me. “But you need to let go of these fears you have, sweetheart, because you’re going to wind up pushing everyone away from you.” He tucks a lock of hair behind my ear. “But if you’re so scared of loss that you throw away someone who clearly adores you, what’s the point? I’m not saying you shouldn’t fear losing things in life, what I’m saying is that loss is inevitable, but it won’t destroy you.”
“It scares me though.”
“It scares everyone,” he says. “Do you have any idea what your mother has been going through, knowing how close she came to losing me? But you don’t see her running, do you?”
I shake my head.
“Just imagine what that would do to me if she did.”
There’s no question he’d be devastated—crushed—entirely heartbroken. I doubt he’d ever be the same. Then my thoughts drift to Trent, and guilt punctures like a thousand daggers being thrown at me from every direction for what I’ve done.
“It’s okay to be afraid. Most of us are because life guarantees us nothing.” He takes my hand again. “Do you know how terrified I was when you had your surfing accident in Hawaii?” I nod, dreading the truths he’s about to give me. “You were under water for so long I was certain that, by the time I could get out to you, you’d be dead.”
I watch his eyes rim in unshed tears as I start to realize that life is surrounded with moments of risk—that each day poses a threat.
“As cheesy as it sounds, life is nothing without the people we love, and here you are, throwing them away.”
It hurts to hear, but the truth is rarely painless. I never meant to throw Trent away, but I let my insecurities take over and skew my heart, and I fought against his gravitational pull. I flung everything at him to push him away—stars and planets and moons—I used them in my defense. And then I left, never giving him a chance to catch them, hold them in his hands, and hang them back up in my sky to show me that, with him, I was home.
I’m matter and he’s space.
I feel stupid now, that I would fight against us when we’re useless without each other.
TRENT
“No bow tie?” my mom questions when she walks into the kitchen to find me drinking a beer with Garrett.
“Is it really necessary at this point? The tux is enough.” I push the top two buttons of my shirt out through the holes, opening the collar.
My mother is getting married today .
. . again, and I’ve been in a shit mood since I ran into Kate yesterday. Seeing her managed to drag me right back down the black hole of misery I’ve been trying to dig my way out of. Yet, here I am, stuck with her roaming through my head.
I keep catching myself thinking about her and what used to be. I don’t know why the mind does that, takes you back to the places you can’t really go back to.
Maybe it’s to heal.
Maybe it’s to punish.
“You look beautiful, Mom,” Garrett tells her when she shows off her understated nude dress, which doesn’t look like something a bride would wear.
“Thanks, dear.” She looks at me and brushes her hand along the shoulder of my tuxedo jacket, saying, “And thanks for pulling your hair back. You look very distinguished.”
I laugh. “Don’t get used to it. I hate wearing these things. They make me feel like something a Lacoste sewer fart shitted out.”
With a heavy sigh, she shakes her head and Garrett raises his beer bottle, toasting, “Cheers to that.”
“You boys are going to be the death of me.”
“Not if these suits kill us first,” he tells her.
“Are we ready to go?”
“Let me grab my keys,” Garrett says before rushing upstairs.
She turns to me, softly asking, “How are you doing? You were really quiet last night at dinner.”
“I’m fine.” I try to smile. “Garrett’s right, you look really nice.”
She nods, taking my hint, and drops the topic of me.
“Let’s do this,” my brother announces as he clamors down the stairs and my mother shoots me an excitedly anxious smile.
“Sixth time’s a charm, right?” I tease.
“I really hope so.”
When we arrive at the Davis Island Garden Club, it’s nothing like her past weddings that looked like a floral shop barfed all over everything. It’s small, with only close family and friends, no more than fifty people in attendance. It’s as low-key as she wanted it to be, and I keep a mostly pleasant expression on my face as Garrett and I stand by her side while she and Jack exchange their vows of foreverness, which seem like bullshit to me. I look across at Jack’s three kids, who are standing by his side, and wonder if their smiles are genuine. His daughter brushes a tear away, and I scoff on the inside, not that I don’t think love has the ability to be everlasting but because it failed me and now I’m bitter.
I never considered the idea of settling down with anyone, never believed love wasn’t anything other than an illusion people created to serve as placeholders for their shortcomings. I was happy and content on my own; I didn’t need that shit to come in and complicate my life.
That was before Kate.
That girl knocked me on my ass.
She was an unexpected surprise—a defining moment. A collision of stars slamming into me and sending my neat little world plummeting into the ocean. I never expected a girl like her to change me, but she did. Now there’s nothing left but the memories that continue to haunt me, memories I wish would die.
A light applause pulls me out of my thoughts, and just like that, the ceremony is over.
For the next hour, I fake a smile as we take photo after photo that will likely be trashed in a year or two. Garrett and I are on our best behavior for Mom’s sake, but I know he’s itching as badly as I am to get to the reception and hit the bar. He’s already been eyeing some chick on Jack’s side, and I don’t blame him. She’s fucking hot, but I can’t get myself right in the head to nail anyone when all I can think about is Kate.
She’s like the phantom cockblock I can’t get rid of.
As everyone slowly heads into the ballroom, I grab a beer and sit alone on the veranda fighting reckless thoughts. The band plays in the background while laughter and celebration fills the air, but I keep it out of my headspace. I know I’m shitty company right now, so I hammer back my drink before grabbing another.
When the sky goes black, my mom makes her way outside, and I shove down my shit.
She sits next to me. “I haven’t seen you all night.”
I take another swig of my beer.
“Is everything okay?”
“I just hope this one works out,” I tell her honestly because even though I’m wrapped up in my own crap, I worry about her and this guy, who she’s only known for a handful of months but is now her husband.
“Jack is safe,” she says. “I truly believe he is.”
“And what about the others?”
She looks out over the water of the bay that shines beneath the moon. “I don’t know how to explain it, but with him, I feel at peace.”
I watch as her smile grows slowly, and when she looks at me, she reaches over and tugs the elastic band out of my hair before loosening the strands with her fingers.
“Better?”
I nod and down the rest of my beer.
“Jack and I are about to leave.”
“It’s already time?”
“It’s almost ten,” she says. “You’ve been sitting out here for hours.”
“Weddings aren’t my thing, you know that.”
She grins, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “You know I’m here for you, right?”
“Yeah.”
“You can always talk to me.”
“There’s honestly nothing to talk about.” I take another sip. “You go have fun in Switzerland and don’t worry about me.”
“I always worry about you; I’m your mom.”
“It’s time,” Jack says when he steps out onto the veranda, and I stand before taking her hand to help her up from the bench.
“Trent,” he acknowledges, shaking my hand and giving me a hug. “It’s always good to see you.”
“Congratulations,” I say, hoping my mother is right about him. Then we head inside, and when the singer of the band takes the mic to announce their send off, everyone claps as Mom and Jack smile and wave goodbye before getting into the car that drives them away.
“A few of us are heading over to SoHo,” Garrett says. “You coming?”
“I’m not into partying tonight, man.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. I’m beat.”
While everyone starts to disperse, I pull out my phone to call for a ride. I’ve had it off all day, and when I power it up, I pause when I see I have three missed calls and one new voice mail from Kate.
I wish she would just leave me alone.
After deleting the voice mail, I open my app to request a driver to come pick me up. As I wait, I stop by the bar and guzzle another drink.
It’s a short five-minute ride back to my mom’s house, and when we pull up to the wrap-around drive, I notice a silhouette of someone sitting on the front step of the entryway. It isn’t until I get out of the car that I realize Kate’s car is parked on the far side of the driveway.
As the driver pulls away, his headlights illuminate her as she stares at me from the porch, but the moment he turns onto the street, she goes dark again.
She stands, but she doesn’t move, and the hole she shot through my chest expands, forcing me to fill it with anger because the sadness she evokes is intolerable.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I snap as I approach the door, but I don’t bother to look her way when I shove the key into the lock and open the door. “You should go back to Miami.”
“Trent, wait.”
I shouldn’t, but I do.
“I was wrong,” she says, and when I finally glance over, I see her face is splotchy from crying.
Her words are everything I’ve been hoping for, but they irritate all the same.
“I know you must hate me, but I need to talk to you, to tell you I messed up.”
I hesitate to say anything I might regret as frustration claws its way through me. Her unrelenting presence in my thoughts has left me an utter mess, and I want to yell at her, but the agony in her voice has me weak. I open the door wider and motion my head for her to come inside.
<
br /> After flicking on the lights, I shrug off my tux jacket and toss it onto the entry table. I don’t lead her in any farther than the foyer before I turn and say, “I don’t hate you.”
Her eyes fall shut, sending a current of tears through the streams already coating her cheeks. The urge to comfort her is powerful, but I keep to myself.
“So, what is this? Why did you come here?”
“To tell you I made a mistake and that I never should’ve pushed you away.”
Defensiveness erupts because this girl has no clue how much power she holds over me. “I don’t need you running back to me because you’re lonely.”
My tone is scathing, but she doesn’t waver when she says, “I came to apologize and to explain things to you.” Her eyes drop for a moment before coming back to me. “I was wrong” she admits. “And I’m so sorry it’s taken me all this time to realize that what I’m most afraid of is losing you.”
“What does that even mean?”
Wiping her face, she goes on to explain, “When I was with Caleb, I’d never felt so powerless in my life. I had no idea how much of me he actually destroyed, and I should’ve never turned my insecurities on you the way I did. But after what happened to my dad . . .” Her face crumples as sadness consumes her, and it takes everything inside me not to grab ahold of her. I want to—God damn, all I want is to love her. “My head got so warped with all these thoughts. They scrambled together and threw me into a spiral, and I got scared. But what scared me most of all was how quickly the world can turn on me.”
“It turns on all of us, Kate. All of us.”
“I know.”
“But you threw me away so carelessly, like you never even gave a shit.”
She shakes her head, and her voice grows desperate. “My doing that didn’t come from a place of carelessness. I swear to you it didn’t.” She takes a step closer to me. “That was me putting up walls that I never should have put up, and I don’t expect you to understand but—”
“You don’t think I understand? You think you’re the only one who hides behind walls?” Needing her to seriously hear me, I take three strides to close the gap between us before telling her, “I’ve been living behind walls my whole life, Kate. And, yeah, it’s scary to let them down and to show our weaknesses. I never wanted to, but you didn’t give me a choice. From the moment I met you, you dug into me, which was terrifying. But guess what, I took them down—for you. You’re the only one I’ve been willing to do that for.”