Hurt anyone ever again? He had hurt someone before! The silence in the room was deafening as Lou cowered in the corner of the kitchen terrified by the man she thought she could love. She had been stupid to hope. So stupid. Then he was turning back to her. His eyes were wild and glazed over, whether from tears or rage, she did not know. She couldn’t look at him, but she couldn’t look away either.
He took a step backwards away from her instead of forwards. There was no going forward for a man like him, Jay thought with despair. Seeing her disdain, and her pain, he choked out the only words that felt true to him. “I’ve gotta get out of here. I should just go. I’m no good for anyone.”
His arms were down by his side now, and he looked so lost and alone, defeated. Lou had seen this before too, seen this with Robert. Her heart wanted to reach out to him, but she had done that previously as well and that had only put her in a whole new world of pain that no one could imagine. Pain that only another woman who had been through it before, a woman battered and abused by a man who claimed to love her.
Jay’s head dropped when Lou remained silent. “I’m sorry, Lou. I am really sorry,” he choked the words out. She saw his shoulders shaking, thought he was still in a rage. He turned then and rushed to the door like a man being chased by demons. He swung it wide and walked out without even a backwards glance.
It took Lou another five minutes to find the courage to shut the door.
Lou called in sick the next day, and she found out when Bella answered, that Dr. Fairbanks had cancelled all his appointments for the day as well so it wouldn’t be a problem. Bella said she could handle the phones today, and would just lock the office door on her lunch break and put the calls into their answering service since it wouldn’t be busy anyway.
Sleep had come the night before, eventually, but it had been fitful and restless. She had bolted the doors, and checked the windows twice. And there had been tears, too. Something Louisa rarely did. Louisa had managed to fall asleep the last few hours before dawn broke, and those few hours had been very restless with dreams of Jay in her kitchen screaming at her, coming at her, but he had Robert’s face. When she woke up and padded to the living room, Missy on her heels she peered out across the canal in the darkness and could see nothing. She let Missy slip out the door when she lifted her paw to indicate she needed to go, but she waited inside. She watched her dog, but also looked across the water. There were no lights on at Jay’s place. Her mind tried to no avail to make some sense of the evening before. But nothing fit. Fatigued, upset, and very confused, she couldn’t face going to work, seeing Bella’s sympathetic glances, hearing small talk, seeing Dr. Fairbanks, or Dr. Carroll. There was no way she would be able to mask the signs of her long night.
She hadn’t known Jay at all, she thought bitterly, as the tears threatened to come again. She dashed at her puffy eyes with a clenched fist, and turned sharply from the glass doors that led to her backyard. She was angry with herself for being so wrong, for being such a bad judge of men. She was crushed too, she hated to admit it. She sure as hell couldn’t pick them. She thought she knew better, had learned her lessons. But what hurt her more than the self-doubt and loathing she was feeling was that she had begun to hope. So, stupid, she thought bitterly.
Despite their age difference, Jay had been mature, somewhat worldly compared to her, confident, funny, handsome, and easy to be around. Louisa had just begun to think that perhaps he was the one. Lou heard Missy scratching at the door and she let her in, closing it softly behind her looking once more across the water before turning sadly away. What was she going to do? She had no clue. No frigging clue. The lump was there in her throat again, and she swallowed to make the tightness go away. Missy padded over to her water bowl, and Lou went to the bathroom to take care of her own business. What she saw in the mirror shocked her and she had to look away. Her assumptions from earlier were right, and she had made the right decision in not going into work today. Everything was written on her face, her pain, her anguish, her very long restless night.
When Bella had informed her that Dr. Fairbanks was not in either, she felt a bit of fear and a bit of relief at the same time. That meant Jay had reached out to his father, for which she was glad he had not spent the night alone, but it also meant Jay had talked to his father and she was very concerned about her job. Not that she thought she would be fired. These past three months, she had helped to reorganize the office, and had cleared up all the billing problems her predecessor had left behind. Both doctors often remarked what a valuable employee she had turned out to be. Her fears were that the office would lose the comfortable camaraderie they had created there. She was worried that it would be quite uncomfortable and awkward for some time. She didn’t want to work in that kind of an atmosphere.
And, Jay’s father was her boss, and he had to be on his son’s side in this matter, even if he told them what happened. From her talk with the doctor on Thanksgiving, she knew that he wanted to be the dad Jay hadn’t had growing up. Jay needed him. She would take her daughter’s side in any situation. So, why wouldn’t he? She wouldn’t expect him not to, and would never ask.
Also, Bella and Dr. Carroll would sense the tension between them in the office, and the nurse that worked with them, Angie, was like a mother hen always asking about Bella’s love life, and recently teasing Lou about Jay. Argh, why had she gotten involved with him? She tore herself away from the mirror unable to look at herself any longer. Why? Why had she gotten involved with him?
Jay. His eyes haunted her. The pain she saw in them last night before he turned from her. That confused the hell out of her. He had gone from a rage to a broken man in the blink of an eye. If only . . . if only . . . she hadn’t gotten on that bike! Her employer’s son! But, she knew it was too late for ‘if only’ . . . and he had been just too appealing. He was the man of her dreams for months, literally and figuratively. Years really! She just hadn’t the face to go with the dream. Before she even knew his connection to her employer, he was the type of man she had always yearned for. Hell, she had been dreaming about him for months, before they had reconnected. Fantasizing, what if! Then it had happened, like fate had been trying to tell her something. The sight of him that second time standing outside her office, his eyes on her full of passion and laughter, he had felt it too. Before he had even touched her there had been electricity. Even the first time they had met in the flea market.
Ugh! She needed Ana, she needed to talk things out, and get someone else’s perspective, someone on the outside who might be able to see something differently, clearly. Luckily, they were supposed to meet for lunch, but she would have to call her, as Ana expected to meet at Chili’s along her work route, but she could always meet her at her home. They lived nearby.
She checked her clock on the microwave, and it was too early to call. Heading towards the coffee pot to turn it on, she paused by the sliding doors and looked outside again. The darkness was nearly gone. Still, there were no lights on at Jay’s. She had checked several times during the night and it seemed he had not returned to his own home. She could see under his carport now, and she did not see his motorcycle. She was afraid, but also worried about him as well. Even if he was like Robert, and the thought sickened her, she just couldn’t turn off her feelings like that. She hoped he had gone to see his father. His outburst had scared her, but it had scared him as well. She just did not know what to make of the situation. She really needed Ana.
After puttering around aimlessly in her house for a few hours, straightening cushions she had already straightened, wiping counter tops she had cleaned several times, she ventured out with Missy to give herself something to do, and hopefully stop her mind from thinking. When she returned near nine o’clock, she gave in and texted Ana. She would still be sleeping, but knowing she always checked her messages upon waking up, Lou wanted to get that out of the way before she changed her mind. She was surprised when the tell-tale beeps indicated that Ana had responded and was up earlier than usual. Sh
e picked up her phone where she had set it down only a minute ago and swiped at the screen to activate it.
She saw her message first and then Ana’s response.
Louisa: I did not go to work today. I can just pop over about eleven instead of meeting out. I’ll bring something.
Ana: Okay. No work? That’s not like you. What’s up? What’s the matter?
Ana was not a fool. Louisa’s work ethic was above reproach, and Ana knew that from years of living with her while they were in college, and again more recently. Louisa never missed a day unless it was dire. She was not one to play hooky. She texted her back.
Louisa: I’ll explain when I see you. Should we let Monica know? Was she meeting us today?
Ana: No, Monica’s students have exams this week. Last week of school before Christmas break. She wants to grade them and get home to VICTOR!!!!! Good thing too because apparently you need to talk.
Louisa: Ugh, true. I had a rough night. Rough!
Ana: Oh, no. That bad? Come over now. Don’t worry about the food.
Louisa: On my way.
Since Louisa was already dressed for the day, and Missy was walked and being lazy on the carpet in a sun spot, Lou shrugged her shoulders in indifference at her attire. She might as well get this over with. She didn’t think Ana could put a different spin on this situation. It was pretty clear, Jay had a temper, and was volatile. Even though her heart ached for him, she was not going to be someone’s punching bag ever again. If only . . . no . . . Fuck that! She wasn’t going down that road again. If only had allowed her to think Robert would change when things got better. If only had cost her countless bruises, a half a dozen broken bones, and her self-esteem and pride for many years.
Louisa filled Missy’s water bowl, and filled her food dish with dry dog food, and grabbed her purse on her way out the door. She didn’t bother checking a mirror, she knew she looked like hell, and trying to hide it from Ana was impossible. The woman had powers of perception that never failed to amaze her, except when it came to herself, of course. The sweats she had put on and the t-shirt would have to do. And she had already taken a quick shower. Her face without make-up was less puffy then it had been when she woke up earlier. Ana would see through make-up and anything else she tried to hide behind anyhow. She wasn’t going any place else, so she just headed on out the door glancing towards Jay’s one more time.
Louisa pulled into Ana’s drive and as she was getting out of the car, she saw Ana peek through the window curtains. The door was open and Ana was standing at the top of the stairs when Louisa trudged up them feeling like the world had given away at her feet. Ana opened her arms wide and Lou stepped into them, and then the tears came.
“There. There.” Ana patted her back consolingly as she steered her inside. “Come on, sweetie. It can’t be that bad. We’ll figure this out.” Once in the kitchen Louisa’s momentary hysterics began to subside, and she sat down at the table as Ana pulled her chair closer and sat down beside her. She took her hand, and handed her a napkin at the same time.
“What happened, Lou? Last time we talked everything was going so smoothly.”
“I don’t know. Last night . . . last night . . .,” she paused catching her breath, then dabbed at her eyes. “J-Jay blew up. It was so unexpected. We were sitting down to eat, and he looked awfully tired, and I guess I was chatting away, talking about Veronica coming next Friday, and . . . and the next minute he blew up.”
“He just blew up?” Ana looked at her with anger in her eyes. She searched Lou over from head to toe looking for signs of trauma.
“Yes, and I knew he was tired . . .” Louisa began.
Ana cut her off. “Stop, right there. This is not your fault,” she ejaculated forcefully. “You did nothing wrong.” Ana knew Louisa had been a battered woman, and she would not allow her dearest friend to make excuses for anyone’s behavior ever again. It was very easy for battered women to slip back into those old habits. That was not a healthy path. “He blew up. Period. Now, the facts, sweetie,” she stroked her friend’s hand. “What did he say?”
“He said he was sick and tired of hearing about my daughter. He threw his chair back as he got up, nearly tipping the table over, and food went everywhere.”
“Okay, that is not good. Tell me, what did he do next?” Ana watched Lou closely listening to the words and looking for signs that she may not be telling everything.
“He began to pace in the living room. He was cursing and mumbling incoherently. I was terrified. I thought he was going to come after me like . . .” Louisa’s tears began anew.
“Like Robert,” Ana finished for her. She put her arm around her friend’s shoulder pulling her in to comfort her. She let her friend cry, she needed to, but her own mind was a whirl. Jay had not struck her as abusive, but you could never tell or be sure. Some men hid their abusive natures better than others. Although there were signs in some cases that one could be attuned to. Belittling comments, controlling behaviors, secluding Louisa’s time, all would have been indicators. She had witnessed nothing of the sort. She saw Louisa plenty. They had dinner last week, all six of them, and Jay had gotten along well with the other men. He didn’t try to isolate Lou; he was sociable. He had teased poor little Monica mercilessly about being like no teacher he ever knew. If he had a teacher like her, he would have done better in class. Victor had agreed with him whole heartedly, and those two had gotten on well. They had discovered they had served in Iraq and took part in some of the same battles although they didn’t expound on them. Monica had told her though, about some of them just last night when they talked on the phone. Victor had opened up to her about some of the things he had seen overseas.
“I don’t think he is like Robert,” Ana whispered softly as her friend’s tears began to subside once again.
“You don’t?” there was just a bit of hope in Lou’s voice. Ana didn’t want to give her false hope, but didn’t want to throw her friend to the wolves either.
“No, I don’t, but I can’t be sure. I haven’t seen any of the signs. But this outburst does have me concerned. The way you described it, it sounds like PTSD. Did he ever come towards you? Approach you menacingly? Say he was going to hit you?”
“Only when he tried to explain. I was too frightened to listen though.” Louisa’s hands tore at the napkin in her lap.
“I understand completely. After what you have been through, your reaction was perfectly normal and you needed to keep your guard up. But, does he know about Robert? The abuse and what you went through?”
Louisa indicated with a shake of her head that she hadn’t revealed that part of her past with Jay. Ana shook her head disapprovingly.
“Well, that is a talk you should have. He needs to know those things. If it was an episode of PTSD, then he may have reacted differently, controlled it better.” Ana hated to lecture her friend, but when it came to mental illness, the more a person knew and understood the more equipped they could be to deal with their behaviors and changes. Understanding it was key.
“He said it was PTSD. He said he wouldn’t hurt me,” Louisa added lamely.
“He did? But, you didn’t believe him?” Ana felt Lou was holding something back.
“I was too afraid. When he said he wouldn’t hurt me, he said he wouldn’t hurt anyone ever again,” Louisa’s voice was full of despair.
“Hurt anyone ever again?” Ana had to think on that. That slip did not sound good at all. Lou nodded. “Hmm, he could have meant someone from the war. But we can’t be sure. Monica told me some things about what Victor saw. She also told me that what Jay’s unit saw was worse. He might have meant that.”
“I just don’t know.”
“Well, I think sweetie, and I don’t want to push, that you really need to talk. He needs to know your past, and you need honesty from him as well. To hear him out, then make a decision. Especially if you love him,” the last statement was made softly.
Louisa’s eyes snapped up. “Love him?” It came out sharp,
and she pulled back.
“Honey, you wouldn’t be feeling like this if you didn’t love him.” Ana had suspected that Lou was in love with him two weeks ago, and she was sure of it now. Lou deserved answers, but she also needed to feel secure in a relationship. Her heart ached for her friend. She didn’t want to see her lose all her hope and faith in men if it turned out Jay was another Robert.
“Oh, my goodness. I think I do. I’m not sure if it’s love, or the fact that I feel like I’ve picked the wrong guy again. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I can handle this.”
“Louisa, your dad has PTSD. When you were younger it was worse, right?” Ana saw her friends despair, and she didn’t want her to lose all hope.
“Yes,” she sniffled. “It got better, he manages it. Very rarely does it trigger, when he has a bit too much to drink, or repetitive loud noises.”
“Jay was in the war, many of the guys get it. You need to let him explain. It might really be PTSD, but you need to ask about what he meant by hurting others. You need the truth.” Ana didn’t want her friend to go alone either. Just in case and was about to say something to that effect, when Lou cut into her thoughts.
“But there were no loud noises. The TV wasn’t even on. I was just talking about my daughter, slicing some tomatoes.” Lou was not convinced it was PTSD. It just didn’t fall into place for her. She had seen it, lived it.
‘You were holding a knife?” That could be something, Ana thought.
“I have sliced, and chopped vegetables in front of him before.” Lou was shaking her head, drying her eyes again.
“But he was especially tired.” Ana was trying to puzzle it out. If not the knife, then what?
“I don’t think it was the knife. I don’t know what triggered it. That’s why I just don’t think it is PTSD.” The napkin lay in shreds in her lap.
Afraid to Hope (Secrets & Seduction) Page 15