He also knew he loved her, too. Now just what the fuck was he going to do about it? That was the question.
Jay had come over on Friday evening exhausted, but animated. He had thoroughly enjoyed his week of on the job training. He recounted all the things he had done and not told her during the course of the week. He made, however, no mention of her little slip up. Her, ‘I love you.’ After dinner, talking and a couple of acrobatic sex sessions, he had left explaining he was tired. Lou knew he was, but still felt a bit let down when he left around midnight.
On Saturday, he arrived earlier than usual. She was happy for that, and they fished outside in the canal in the back, and Jay suggested she run out and get some steaks and they would grill. It was an unusually warm day for late January.
When she ran out to get the food, Jay prepped and cleaned the grill. He also went out to the carport where he had stashed his duffle bag. He was going to try to spend the night. For him it was a big step, and he hoped she wouldn’t be disappointed if he left during the night. It was in the night he often woke with night sweats, and his brain filled with dreams, sometimes nightmares where he often relived scenes from the war, or his wife, Magdalene’s accident. How he had yearned just to see his daughter’s face once. Just once. He had seen ultrasounds, but he had been too young to appreciate it. He still carried the ultrasound in his wallet, and the photo of him and Magdalene at their backyard wedding at her uncle’s home in Arizona. He would look at that picture on the anniversary of her death, their wedding, and study the ultrasound trying to see Bronte’s face.
He brought the bag into Lou’s room. He had a surprise in there for her as well. He hadn’t ever gotten around to giving her the second gift for Christmas he had purchased. It seemed stupid not to, but he hadn’t wanted to do it with Veronica present. Then things had been so strained between them as he took his finals, and not living next door had also made it more inconvenient. The strain was there since they had made up. He knew he had purposefully let it go on. He could have talked to her, and he knew she was reluctant to talk about it for fear of setting him off, or pushing him.
He loved that about her. She was patient. But what kept him from saying those words to her, when she had said them already tore at his heart. By loving her, he felt he was no longer loyal to them, Magdalene and Bronte.
And he did love Lou, and he did still love them, so it was stupid really. He just felt that saying it out loud might make his memories of them fade away. He felt guilty. It was that plain and simple. But, he did love Lou. Simple.
Since, he had recovered enough from the car accident that killed his wife and child, he had avoided serious relationships because it had felt like a betrayal to Magdalene. She had been so young, and so in love with him. She was just nineteen to his twenty-one when they met. It had been an instantaneous connection with them, just like it had been with Lou. He had talked to his dad about it this week. His dad was smart, and he was glad now that the military had tracked him down when he was laid up in the hospital. His mom hadn’t been available, couldn’t be found. She turned out to be in prison for possession of crack. Thinking about his mother pained him. Even when she had been there, she hadn’t ever really been there.
Magdalene hadn’t been like that. When she listened to him, she really listened and Lou did the same thing. She could read between the lines. His dad had told him that yes, it was probably because they were so similar, Lou and Magdalene, that it felt like even more of a betrayal. But his dad also had told him, it wasn’t. His father had never met Magdalene, but told him that if she had loved him the way Jay had explained, that more than anything Maddy would want him to be happy. To find love again. Jay’s father also told him, “Time waits for no man, son. Don’t waste it. Don’t let yourself wallow in your pain, don’t let grief take control of your life. Don’t let it rob you of years of happiness. Don’t rob Louisa of it either.” That was just this morning when he had told his dad he would try to sleep over at Lou’s tonight.
Jay sat on the side of the bed and pulled out the picture of him and Magdalene, faded and creased. A younger him stood beside her with a big goofy grin. She looked so happy in the picture. She was already pregnant. He had never thought to do anything but marry her. He hadn’t felt trapped in the least by the sudden announcement. He had felt that it was a chance at having a real family, getting it right. When he told his dad that, his dad had said, “So son, you are not only grieving your wife and your child, you are grieving the loss of a dream. That sometimes is even harder to get over than a person.”
Jay had been confused by that. He had asked his father to explain. “Well with people, you always have memories. With dreams, you just have what ifs. What ifs can tear at a man’s soul. What ifs can make you bitter and angry and not willing to try again, or try to reach for a different dream.”
When his father had told him that, something clicked in Jay. Other dreams, new dreams. He had begun to have those. Like getting his airplane mechanics license to work on jets. He had no desire to go to war. Hell, not even when he had signed up initially. It had been more about getting out of his lifestyle, the one created by his mom, and her side of the family.
His dad said that was a dream, too. He accomplished that.
Then after the accident, and therapy, and his stint in an institutional facility, well a rehab center for ex-military, his father by his side, he was made to realize the importance of goal setting. At first it had been getting through a minute at a time without wanting to scream. Learning coping techniques. Then it was an hour, then a day. Then a goal.
His first goal had been to get to know his father, and that had lead him to Florida. His next goal had been finding a job, and becoming independent. That had landed him the t-shirt gig. He had enjoyed it, being around happy people laughing about crazy ass shirts. He had a slew of them. Then the idea to go to school had come. He couldn’t survive on just working at the t-shirt shop his whole life, and what he earned there.
His dad had explained that those were all baby steps that had led him to becoming the man he had always wanted to be. Strong, independent, and being able to care and provide for himself and a family.
“I don’t know if I could do a family, dad. I’m terrified of that,” Jay confessed.
“Well, that’s probably why you were attracted subconsciously to Lou. She’s older, has a child already. In your subconscious, it may have seemed safer.”
“I don’t know about that, dad. Really, it was her tits popping out of the red tank top that first got my attention,” Jay laughed.
He and his dad both laughed. “Yeah,” Jay’s dad agreed, “And never tell her I said this, but that is some fucking rack.” They both laughed hard over that one.
Jay had tipped back his beer, took a swig and asked his dad one more question. “I just don’t want to forget them, you know. But when I remember it is so painful. Will it always be like this?”
“I’m sure it is, son, very painful, but you’ll never forget them. But, is it really as painful as it was eight years ago?”
“Hmm, no I guess not. Not all the time, anyhow,” Jay thought and said the words aloud. “I don’t know what to do, dad. Lou told me she loved me.”
“Do you love her, son?” Phillip asked though he already knew the answer.
“Yes, dad I do. I love her, a lot.”
“Then dream again, Jay! Dream again.”
Jay was out back when Louisa returned from the grocery store, throwing a horrible looking purple monkey through the air with Missy chasing, happy as could be.
He was so engrossed with her dog that he hadn’t even heard her car. She carried the grocery bag inside, and set it on the counter, and began to take out the steaks, the salad fixings, and the baking potatoes she had bought.
The sliding screen doors opened and Jay walked in. “Oh hey, I didn’t hear the car,” he stated. “I would have come to get the bags. You should have called.” He was behind her and reached out to hold his woman.
; Lou sensed his mood had changed and she looked up into his beautiful grey-blue eyes. “I couldn’t deny Missy play time, and you seemed to be enjoying it yourself,” she teased.
“I was,” he laughed. “She’s a great dog.”
“Yeah, she is,” Louisa sighed. Missy was getting older. She took great care of her, but the thought of her passing in a few years as bigger dogs like her normally did, saddened her to think about.
Jay noticed her change. “Hey there, penny for your thoughts,” Jay asked as he approached her.
She looked at Jay, his face, his lips just a few inches away. She hesitated. “I um, was thinking about Missy, actually.”
“You were,” he pulled back his head to look down on her.
“Yeah,” Lou said sadly. “She’s getting older.”
Jay, without thinking, used the words his father had used on him earlier in that morning. “Death is a part of living, Louisa. You’ll always have memories of her.” Lou pressed her cheek against his chest. He comforted her, but if she could have seen the dawning in his eyes she would have felt even more comforted by that than his embrace.
The cookout turned out better than she had hoped. While they cleaned up and put the dishes away after washing and drying them, Jay announced he had a surprise for her in the bedroom.
His tone was sexual, and Lou felt a bit let down, but wanting to keep the bright mood alive, cheerfully replied, “Oh, and what might that be?”
Jay laughed. He noticed the smile didn’t reach her eyes. So he gently took her face in his huge hands and pulled her closer. “I brought an overnight bag, Lou. I want to try to see if I can spend the night.”
“You did?” she jerked back surprised, thrilled. He held on. “Yes, but please don’t be disappointed if I need to leave in the night. I know what you have been through and I don’t want to frighten you or scare you again, not ever.”
“Jay, that was before I knew anything. I would know what to expect now,” Lou stated a lump forming in the back of her throat.
“I know that, Lou, but still, I need more time, but I want to try for you, tonight. Okay?” The way his eyes looked. The way he was searching her eyes, made Louisa’s heart begin to race. “Louisa, I love you.”
“I love you, too. Oh, Jay,” but before she could finish his lips were on hers. The kiss went on, and it was the most tender thing she had ever experienced in her entire her life. Her heart beat, her stomach lurched, and her toes curled. He loved her, and he had said the words.
When the kiss ended, there were tears in both their eyes.
“Jay, I love you,” she said again.
“I love you too, Louisa. I was too afraid to say it to you. Didn’t think I deserved it. It felt like a betrayal to Magdalene and Bronte. That’s why I didn’t say it sooner.”
“But . . .,” she started to interrupt.
“But, I realize it’s not, now. Took some good old fashioned common sense, but I finally got there, Lou.”
“Jay, you have made me so happy. I want you to know that.” Her voice was filled with emotion.
“Made you happy? Louisa you don’t know what you have done for me. Before you, way before you, I felt like I was drowning. Then, I started to just get my head above water. But with you, I finally feel like everything could be all right.”
“It can, Jay. It can,” she repeated. Hope soared in her heart, took flight.
“You have been patient when you needed to be, you have chewed me out when I needed that, and I know I am far from perfect, but God woman, the fact that you love me, warts and all, well that is everything.”
“Oh, Jay,” Lou cried.
“Oh, Louisa. Baby,” he teased. “It started out with those gorgeous fucking tits, but God dammit girl, there isn’t a thing I don’t love about you, not even your flat ass.” Louisa had no words that could compare, and did the only thing she could think of, she literally jumped for joy. She jumped into his arms, and he easily carried her. She wrapped her arms around him, her legs around his torso, and the tender kiss from earlier was no more.
The next kiss, the one they shared in the middle of the kitchen, was full of desire, passion, and the yearning to be with their soul mate.
When the kiss ended, Jay was walking to the bedroom, and both of them were panting.
“Lou, I do have something for you in the bedroom. Something kinky. Want to give it a try?” he asked mischievously.
Louisa threw back her head and laughed. “You’re crazy!”
“Yes, I am. I’m out of my mind, but you love me anyway.” Those words were the last ones they said for quite some time.
Jay and Louisa pulled into Ana’s driveway just as the sun was setting. He helped Louisa get off the bike as he normally did, and then got off himself. The week had flown by. Not only had he spent the night with her that first night, but he had slept there every night this week. The first night he had slept well. Confessing their love for one another had been a balm of sorts for him. As had been his surprise for her. Handcuffs and blindfolds. They had each had their turn with them. It had been a hell of a lot of fun, and trust building as well. Nothing like sex therapy, he thought as he placed the helmets over the handlebars, and took Louisa’s hand to mount the steps in the rear of Ana’s home.
Victor and Monica were not there yet, but Teddy’s truck was there, as it usually was in the evenings, now that they had moved in together.
Lou and Jay had both speculated during the week what their big announcement would be. Now that they were already living together, they expected to hear the pronouncement that there would be a wedding.
Jay and Louisa had an announcement of their own to make as well. Instead of moving back into the Robinson’s at the end of the month, Jay would be staying with Louisa, permanently. Not that all the nights had gone well for him. He still woke on occasion from nightmares and dreams of the past, heart racing, but seeing Louisa curled by his side had soothed him rather than exacerbating the problem as he had thought. Having her by his side gave him hope, and he had told her that. It was she who had suggested he move in. They would share expenses, freeing up their expenditures, and give them more time together.
Ana answered the door, and her smile was bright and welcoming. She hugged each of them.
“Well, what’s the big news?” Lou asked breathlessly.
“We should wait for Monica,” she teased giving Teddy a side long glance that spoke volumes of her love for him.
With Ana’s hand still on the door frame, Lou saw the ring right away. “You got engaged!” she burst out.
Teddy laughed. “I guess we might as well tell them, the ring gave it away. You should have taken it off,” he joked.
“Never!” Ana gasped. “And actually, it’s more than that. We eloped last week!”
“What?” Lou’s shock was apparent. “You did not.”
“Yes, and there’s more.” Ana clapped her hands together
“More than the fact that you eloped and didn’t tell anyone?” Lou looked from Teddy to Ana as she stepped into the room followed by Jay.
“Well, you know. I’m always full of surprises,” Ana stated slyly as she turned from the door forgetting to shut it completely.
“So what’s the more?” Louisa looked from Teddy to Ana still flabbergasted.
Teddy chimed in, “Go ahead, tell her.”
“Well . . .,” Ana paused, her eyes searched out Teddy’s and she saw the tears glistening there. He came over to where she was standing, and put his arm around her pulling her in close.
“Well,” he finished. “The marriage was quick and hasty not just because we love each other, and we do. But the truth is, that after Christmas, we began looking into what it would take to adopt.”
“Adopt?” Lou looked to Ana. Jay stood silently by, watching the scene unfold, and he was surprised that the panic did not set in like it normally did. He was genuinely happy for the couple.
“My brother-in-law, Ebony’s husband, is a lawyer. He advised us about it and he
actually handles a lot of adoptions. He and his partners help couples arrange adoptions, locally and internationally. He told us that married couples stand a better chance of adoption. Then he told us about this one adoption he was handling that had fallen through. A girl, she was two, three now.”
“Oh my God!” Louisa exclaimed, throwing herself at Ana, whose tears now streamed down her face.
Ana’s muffled voice came from her grasp. “It’s not a done deal. We still have lots of paperwork to do, and we get to go see her in Guatemala next month. There is the interview, and then a hearing before a judge.”
“Oh my,” Lou pulled back. “It sounds quite complicated.”
“But worth it,” Teddy chimed in, looking down lovingly on Ana.
“Yes,” she stated looking up at him. “We will have a daughter.”
“What?” Monica shrieked from the doorway.
Victor looked confused standing in the doorway carrying some bottles of wine.
“We got married, and we are adopting a daughter. A girl. Her name is Jessica. She’s three,” Ana shrieked grabbing her little sister and pulling her in to a bear hug.
“Oh my God, can you believe this. I am so happy for you,” Monica screamed her delight in her sister’s arms. Victor squeezed past the pair, and the trio of girls crying and talking all at once. “But mom’s going to kill you. Married, like eloped?” Monica asked pulling back a bit.
Victor and Jay offered their congratulations to Teddy who was now pushed out of the circle of exuberant woman as they pummeled question after question towards Ana who answered as best as she could.
“Congrats, man,” Jay offered.
“Yeah, Victor,” chimed in. “That’s fantastic. I know how much family means to both you and Ana and you found a way to have one.”
“Damn, I’m happy for you guys too,” Jay added. “Louisa and I thought this was going to be an engagement party. Boy, were we wrong. This blows our moving in together announcement out of the water,” he laughed.
Afraid to Hope (Secrets & Seduction) Page 24