by Cee, DW
“Who knows what his deal is and we don’t care. What we want to know is what you’re doing about Marni.” Mom, Carson, and Dad were ganging up on me.
“Guys. I came here to ask if I should move back to Europe with the Navy. I didn’t come here to get marriage counseling.”
Mom answered, “You can stay here as long as you like, but I want you to go back to LA and at least talk to Marni. The way you ended with her was wrong. Did you not feel her heart break when you told her to take the boxes and leave? Is that how you treat a woman you promised to marry and love forever? I’m heartbroken for her and sorely disappointed in you, Son.”
“Damn. I shouldn’t have come here. I didn’t expect you three to gang up on me like this. I thought you’d understand where I was coming from. I don’t want to play father to the offspring of Marni’s ex. I hate that he always gets precedence over me because of their daughter. I will never be first in her life. It will always be the child, and by default, the biological father. Look at how she left me the first time because Ali needed a caretaker. The pecking order will never change.” I yelled in anger.
The three shook their heads and I could feel them giving up on me.
“How about we all go out for a meal and talk about anything but you and Marni? Stay here a few nights and think over all we’ve discussed. For now, I’m going to close this topic. Dinner, anyone?” Carson ended this stressful conversation, but after what I heard, I had a lot to think through the next few days.
Chapter 12 - Marni
Change ~Churchill
“Marni. We need to talk.”
“All right. I can’t exactly go anywhere since I’m nursing, so talk, Mel.”
“Mom and I think it’s time you leave.”
“What?”
“You’re too attached to Ali, and she’s too attached to you. Earlier today, I tried to hold my daughter and she cried the entire time. You came along, took her into your arms, and she stopped immediately. This can’t go on. You have to leave.”
“Marni, we thank you for all you’ve done for Ali, but you need to allow Melody time to bond with her daughter. You can’t keep usurping her position as the mother. You’re NOT the mother. Your role was to be the surrogate.”
“But I am her mother, Jean, and I’d like to stay until Ali’s at least three months. Let me nurse her a little longer. Breastmilk is best for an infant. You can’t cut her off.”
“I can’t believe you just told us you’re Ali’s mother. I knew you’d do this. I knew you wouldn’t give up Ali once she was born. What now, you’re going to tell my husband in hopes he’ll leave me for you? Dream on, Marni. He stopped loving you a long time ago. Ali and I are his world, and you have no part in it. Stick to your promise and leave.”
“What kind of mother and grandmother are you both? You’d sacrifice the child’s health because of your insecurities? You’re both pathetic. I’m tired of being your punching bag. You think you can be a good mother, good luck. I’ll be leaving after I’m done here. If you’ll excuse me, I’d like to nurse in peace.”
“What do you think, Mom?”
“Damn. This place is beautiful. You’ve done a great job turning this house into an inviting home. I love it—though I don’t love being so close to your dad and his wicked wife.”
“You haven’t been in touch with Dad, have you?”
“Hell, no. Why would I?”
“I don’t know. I thought maybe you and he might talk from time to time.”
“When hell freezes over, pigs fly—and everything else to that effect.”
“Did you see the room I set up for Ali? Do you think she’ll like it?”
“She’ll love anything you give her. All she wants is to be with you, Marni.”
A month had passed since Ali’s seizure, and too much and yet not enough had changed.
As of tonight, I was completely out of Ben’s house. The last of the moving boxes were cleared, and I had a cleaning crew come and make this house spotless. Ben never answered my request concerning Ali’s bedroom. I figured no answer was as good as a yes. I went nuts and bought everything that screamed “GIRL.” There was not a pink item left in my neighborhood.
Since coming clean about Ali, my love for my daughter somehow grew exponentially. I didn’t think it was possible to love her more, but being able to openly express myself gave me such freedom. Funny thing, before the big reveal, even when we were alone, I never allowed myself to completely love my daughter. I never knew when she’d be taken from me again. Because of that, I was always cautious. Now, it was no-holds-barred. The hugs, kisses, and “I love yous” never ended—except when Ben was around.
Ben and I were in a holding pattern. Either we danced around each other, or we stayed away entirely. With almost no communication, I wasn’t sure whether he was still angry. Since he found out about Ali and me, we hadn’t had a civil discussion as to how to move forward. Not wanting to wait for his approval or disapproval, I went ahead with life with my daughter.
“Hello. Ali’s home.” Shea and Benjamin babysat Ali while I finished both houses this afternoon. They brought an expressive Ali into the kitchen.
“Mama! Come.” She called out and ran to me.
“You learned a new word, Ali-Girl.” I picked her up and twirled her around. “Did you have a good time with Nana and Papa?” She shook her head yes. “Should we have some dinner and then get you home before your father is upset you’re not on his turf?” I laughed.
“Dada?”
“Dada will be home soon. You want dinner? I have some swordfish for you tonight.” I let Ali down and she went exploring her new home. “Benjamin and Shea, would you like to stay for dinner? I have plenty of food.”
“Are you sure it’s no trouble for us to stay?”
“None at all. I assumed you’d both have dinner with us.”
“Thanks, Marni. We’d love to stay.”
“How about we find Ali and go outside? The table is set.”
“I’ll get her, Marni. You take Benjamin and Shea to the back.” Mom offered.
“I like what you’ve done to the place, Marni. It’s so homey.” Shea appreciated my efforts.
“It’s so small, it can’t be anything but homey, Shea. It’s not like the three-story luxury home you and Benjamin live in.”
“This is perfect for you three girls. I hope I’m welcomed to come and hang out here?”
“Of course you are, Shea. Benjamin, you are too. Please come whenever I’m here. If your son doesn’t complain, I hope to be here the hours Ben isn’t home.”
“Has he come around, yet?” Benjamin asked.
“Not yet, but I understand he’s in shock. It can’t be easy to accept that his wife wasn’t the mother of his child. If it were me, I don’t know how easily I’d take the news.”
“You’re just being nice, Marni. Ben’s being pigheaded.”
“Mom.” Ben walked in right as his mother said that last word.
“Hello, Son. You just waltzed in here without knocking?” Shea kissed her son and winked, in embarrassment, at the rest of us.
Rather than defending himself against the “pigheaded” accusation, he had to explain why he appeared so familiar with my new home. “The door was wide open. I hope you’re not that careless when I’m not around.” Another jab—he wouldn’t be Ben Howard if he wasn’t upset with me. “What’s going on here? Where’s my daughter?” The father searched for his daughter.
“Your daughter’s right here,” Mom answered as Ali greeted her father with an enthusiastic wave.
He took her from Mom and threw her in the air. “Hello Ali. Did you miss me?” She giggled and laughed until she saw her dinner. Ben had no choice but to grudgingly let her walk to her high chair. “What’s with the Miss Independence, Ali?” he asked when she pushed away his hands attempting to help her to her high chair.
“No.” She firmly let him know while seating herself, trying to figure out the buckles.
Ben looked at me,
annoyed. For a change, he wasn’t pissed with me.
“Do you want to stay for dinner?” I asked softly, afraid of rejection.
“No.” It took him no time to refuse me. “I’ll take Ali home as soon as she’s done.”
“I’ll bring her over,” I offered.
The exasperated countenance reappeared. Deciding to play it smart, I chose to keep my mouth shut. Benjamin and Shea caught on and posed as my spokesperson.
“As you can see,” Shea said, “your daughter is very hungry. Either you can join us in this sumptuous feast, we can bring Ali to you when she’s done, or you can come back for her in fifteen minutes. Your choice, Ben.”
“Fine. I’ll be back in fifteen.” Ben sounded like a five-year-old stomping off after hearing bad news. “Marni. Can we talk in private, without the parental interference?”
“Sure.” I led him to Ali’s bedroom. My bedroom seemed inappropriate for some odd reason.
“I need to head back to New York tomorrow,” he spoke agitated.
“For how long?” I tried not to show my enthusiasm. It would be fantastic to have my daughter to myself for an entire day and night.
“I don’t know, a day or two.” Ben knew me well enough to know what I was thinking and his annoyance grew. “I’d like to take Ali with me.”
I gave him a horrified look. “You can’t take her, Ben. She had a seizure not long ago. What if she has another one?”
“She’s been given a clean bill of health and she’s had no problem since we’ve come home.” Ben was just being unreasonable and churlish. He didn’t like the thought of me spending alone time with Ali.
“Who will take care of her while you’re working? Will you take her to your meetings with you?”
“Hotels have babysitters. I could use them for a few hours.”
My blood boiled and I wanted to smack the man standing in front of me, but I decided to stay calm. Ben was looking to spar. I wasn’t going to go into the ring with him. “Fine. If that’s what you want, I’ll pack a bag for you.”
A split-second surprise was all he showed. His face was a cool mask once again. “I’ll pick it up when I pick up Ali.”
“Dada. Mama.” Ali waddled into her room and broke up our non-argument.
“Are you done with dinner, Ali?” I asked. She nodded her head and tried to pull off her dirty clothes. “Let’s clean you up and get you ready for bed. Daddy will take you home.”
Silently, we went about our business prepping our daughter for bed. This situation was a bit ridiculous, but I was more than grateful Ben wasn’t an even bigger jerk than he could have been.
As soon as I got Ali ready, I took out a small bag and began packing her clothes. Ben walked out and I could hear him talking to his parents, attempting to convince one of them to go on a trip to New York with him and Ali.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Ben. Let her stay here with her mother. You can’t possibly think you should take her on a plane after she was hospitalized,” Shea admonished.
“I don’t want to be away from my daughter for that long.”
“Then take Marni with you. We’re busy,” Benjamin added.
“That would be highly inappropriate, don’t you think?”
I could hear his parents and my mom laughing. “You tiptoeing into my teenage daughter’s bedroom in your boxer briefs was highly inappropriate. You, Marni, and your daughter taking a business trip is not.”
“Yep.” Benjamin and Shea could be heard agreeing. I needed to diffuse Ben’s ire.
“Ben,” I spoke as gently as I could. “Let me take Ali the days you’re gone, and I’ll not be around the next weekend you’re home. That works, doesn’t it? You can have Ali completely to yourself once you return. I hate to think she will be unhappy or even crying with a stranger while you’re at work. She hasn’t been with anyone she doesn’t know in months. It’ll be hard on her.”
I saw the old, more reasonable Ben coming out of hiding. His entire face softened and appeared relieved. “OK. That works.” Those three words were a huge concession. I was jumping, dancing, and singing all in my head. “Let me get my daughter now.”
“Sure.” I, along with the grandparents, sighed in relief.
We all walked into Ali’s room to find a surprising sight. She had fallen asleep, in her new bed—in my house! The sight was so adorable, had it not been for the smoke coming out of Ben’s nose and ears, I would’ve grabbed my camera and taken at least ten pictures.
“This is what I didn’t want.” Ben angrily spouted. “She’s not your daughter. You’re taking her away from me.” He walked over and picked up his daughter. No matter how angry he was with me, he was ever gentle with his, our daughter.
Ali would have none of her father taking her away from her new bed. She yelled, “NO” loudly and repeatedly, and pushed her father away. Ben had no choice but to lay her back down on her very pink princess day bed. Once back in bed, she spotted me in the crowd, did a semi-wave and fell back asleep as if nothing traumatic happened. We couldn’t help but laugh. Even Ben cracked a small smile.
“All right. I think it’s time for us to leave Marni in peace.” Shea announced. “Jackie, you want to come back to our place for a drink?”
“Sure.” Mom agreed.
“Can you all stay here and watch Ali for a bit? Marni and I have a few things to discuss.”
“Ben,” his father warned.
“It’s just a talk, Dad. You both treat me as if I’d hurt Marni. How can you think such bad things of your own son?”
“Let’s go.” I pushed him out the door before he truly reverted to a five-year-old.
Chapter 13 - Ben
Compromise ~Joe
“Where’s Marni? It’s feeding time. Ali’s unhappy.”
“She left.”
“What do you mean she left? Where did she go?”
“She went home, Ben. We no longer needed her, so Mom and I thought we should let her go home and resume her old life.”
“What happened while I was at the grocery store, Mel? Why did Marni leave so suddenly?”
“Nothing happened. We all talked and felt it was time for her to separate herself from our family. She’s not a part of this equation. We, three, need to bond and we can’t do it with her here.”
“It was your idea to include Marni into this equation. Without her, we wouldn’t have this hungry little girl. What’s your plan now?”
“I don’t know. I need to call Mom. Ali refuses to take a bottle.”
“I’m taking Ali out for a walk to calm her down. In the meanwhile, you figure out how you’re going to appease our daughter. If worse comes to worse, I will take our baby down to San Diego to get her fed.”
We walked for a long while before I could say anything. I needed this time to calm myself. I didn’t want to be the bad guy anymore. Somehow, I’d get Marni to understand what I needed.
“Do you want to come with me and Ali to New York?” I asked randomly.
“No,” she answered without hesitation. “And I’d really prefer you not take her with you. We don’t know if she’s completely recovered. Can’t you give it just a little more time before you take her on any long trips?”
“All right. I’ll leave her here.” I wasn’t pleased but what Marni said made sense. I wouldn’t ever endanger my daughter. “Do you understand how frustrated I am, Mar? Without warning, I find out my wife had been lying to me this entire time. She’s not here to explain or defend herself. I have no one to argue with, blame, or yell at…it’s frustrating as hell!” Just those few comments helped me breathe better. “You—my sister-in-law and once girlfriend—are now the mother of my child. My daughter prefers you over me. I’ve already lost my wife. I feel like I’m losing my daughter too.”
“That’s not how I want you to feel, Ben.” Since I found out the truth, Marni had done her best to tiptoe around me. I didn’t like what I’d done to her, but I couldn’t help my irascible self.
“Then how should I feel?
I have no damn clue how to behave around you, us, anymore.”
“First, I don’t know what to say about Melody. That’s something I can’t resolve for you. What I can tell you is that your daughter adores you. Throughout the day she asks about you and kisses your picture when we’re at your house. She clearly knows who you are, and she has no qualms about showing her love to you.”
“Then why does she always want to be with you? The days that I’ve watched her, she’s always crying for you.”
Marni chuckled. “She does the same when she’s with me. I distract her so she forgets that she misses you. You can’t stand to see her whimper, heaven forbid cry, and you call me in to appease her. I don’t mind, but you need to learn to say no to her. You’re going to have a hard time controlling her when she grows older. She already understands you’re a pushover. Give it a few years and she’ll have you completely figured out.”
“Damn. I didn’t think I was that bad.”
“You’re worse.” Marni laughed at me. “What will you do when she starts dating?” That thought was even more terrifying than trying to figure out what to do about Marni, Ali, and me. “In no way do I want to undermine your authority as Ali’s father and hero. I just want to love her like you do. In the sixteen months Ali’s been with us, I’ve only been able to unconditionally and freely love her the past month. If you think I’m overdoing it, I’m sorry. Just give me a little leeway. Hopefully I won’t be any more besotted with her; I feel like a woman obsessed with and possessed by this little twenty-pounder.”
It was my turn to laugh. “Good luck. Those feelings only get deeper. I continue to fall down Alice’s little hole and with a great big smile.”
“I can’t imagine loving her any more than I already do.”
“So where do we go now, Mar? What are we to one another? How do we treat each other? I don’t know what to do.”
The truth was out.
The childish side of me was pissed everyone had lied to me. I felt like the village idiot. How could a deception this enormous go untold for this long?