“That you liked him.”
“I do not like him.”
My enunciation of the word not only made Dad’s smile widen. “Look at us, gabbing like a couple of teenage girls.”
“Must you always act like this?”
“For your information, yes. It’s my right as a parent. Also, you realize I’m the one who gives you money, right?”
Damn if he didn’t have a point there. Mom always did say I inherited his knack for witty replies. “I mean, I suppose you do.”
“Wouldn’t you say that entitles me to express my opinion whenever I feel like it?”
I huffed to demonstrate my disapproval. “I wouldn’t go that far . . .”
“Well, it does.”
“I haven’t had a chance to eat yet. Can’t we at least wait until I have food and wine in my system?”
“I’ll allow you that one comfort, but then we are discussing things.”
I knew admitting defeat was the only plausible alternative in this scenario. Not that I was ever one to throw in the towel, but I was also smart enough to know when I was outgunned. “Okay.”
Dad finished making dinner while I set the table. Cutlery was way safer in my hands than pots and pans. Most people burn things from time to time—it’s unavoidable—but on the same note, most people aren’t the sole cause behind the need for a kitchen remodel. I believe knowing one’s strengths is important in life. Mine just happen to take place as far from a stove as humanly possible.
When we were both seated with piping plates of spaghetti and bread, Dad opened a bottle of red wine. As soon as he set a full glass in front of me, I reached for it. Draining half of the liquid, I mentally prepared myself for the conversation that would follow. Two lit candles sat in the center of the table. I watched as the golden flames flickered. Mom always believed dinner should be eaten by candlelight, and it was a tradition Dad and I always continued whenever we shared a meal together.
“Do you feel ready to talk now?” Dad asked.
“Yeah, I guess so.” This was going to be the equivalent of ripping off a Band-Aid. Sure, there was going to be discomfort, but it was best to get it done and over with than to prolong the suffering.
“So, tell me a little more about Ryan.”
Tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, I took another quick sip of wine before opening my mouth to speak. “He’s really easy to talk to, and he’s been through his fair share of tough times. His dad basically walked out on him, so he understands some of what I’ve been through.”
When I glanced up at Dad, he softly smiled at me. “It’s really nice he has the ability to understand you like that.”
“But it’s so, so much more than that. I mean, sometimes, it’s almost as if he knows exactly what I’m thinking. Like he realizes how much I live inside my own head, and he doesn’t try to force me out of my comfort zone,” I confessed, sucking in a deep breath. “He also supports my dreams of being an artist. He believes in me and my abilities without fail. And he’s been amazing with Wren. I mean, after everything she’s been through, he’s been there to help me cheer her up and take care of her whenever she has a really bad day.”
“He sounds like a good guy.”
“He is.”
“Then why are you here, hanging out with your old man instead of him?”
I shrugged, shifting around some of the noodles on my plate. “I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do.” Dad chuckled and picked up his glass of wine. “Did you try what we talked about on the phone the other day?”
“Yeah.”
“And?”
“Some things are easier said than done.”
“That’s true. It can be a scary thing to go after what you most want in the world.”
“That seems like the understatement of the century.”
“So, does he feel the same way about you?”
“I never said I had feelings for him!” I shouted.
This time, it was Dad’s turn to shrug nonchalantly. “You didn’t have to, because it’s written all over your face,” he explained. “I know after everything we’ve been through, it’s really hard for you to open up.”
“I just—”
“You don’t want to get hurt again, and that is understandable. Some days, I still miss your mother so much that it nearly kills me, but then I remember how much joy you bring into my life. I’ve loved watching you grow up, and I want nothing more than for you to be happy. Your mother and I had a wonderful life together, and I hope you will find the same kind of love.”
I took a minute to absorb his words. “I want to be happy too. It’s not like I don’t want that for myself.”
“I know,” he replied in a soothing tone. “But you can’t let yourself be vulnerable.”
“Yeah.”
“And you did try before with Blake . . . You dated him for several months . . . but in the end, it didn’t work out.”
I finished chewing a bite of food and washed it down with another large gulp of wine. “We were also very young, Dad. I mean, we were still in high school,” I countered. “And why does everyone like to bring him up?”
“Because he was the only boy you’ve ever dated somewhat seriously.”
“Alright, I’ll give you that.”
“You also broke his heart.”
“Dad!”
“I mean, you did though.” The two of us sat in silence for a few minutes. I watched as he finished off the rest of his dinner and wiped his mouth on a napkin. “So, what happened with Ryan?”
“I realized I wanted to be more than just friends, so we sat down and talked about some things and I found out he wanted the same thing. I really care about him and I know he feels the same way about me. I thought I was strong enough for us to try being together, but as soon as things began to get more serious, I panicked.” The words were pouring from my mouth like a river, but my body wasn’t ready to stop just yet. “It was like I leapt off the edge of a cliff and started free-falling through the air.”
“I see.”
“And then the moment I realized how badly I needed him, my brain switched to survival mode.”
“So you ran away.”
“I didn’t know what else to do.” I wiped both eyes with the backs of my hands and prayed I could keep it together for the rest of this conversation. “I know that sounds like such a lame excuse, and maybe it is. But I was scared that I’d lose him just like we lost Mom, and I’m not strong enough to make it through something like that again.”
Sadness altered the features of his face as he looked at me. Had he always known how much of a coward I was? To some extent, I was certain he did, but at the same time, maybe he was hoping I would outgrow my fears. Normal adults didn’t behave this way. Most people didn’t allow loss to alter their lives so completely. Death was a natural part of life, but there was nothing natural about your loved one being ripped away from you so unexpectedly.
“I’m sorry, angel, I should’ve realized how much you were hurting.”
“It’s not your fault, and you were hurting just as much as I was.”
“That’s not an excuse.”
“I don’t know, I think it’s a pretty good one,” I joked.
Rising from the table, he moved to kneel beside my chair. “Terayn, whatever path you decide to take in life, I’ll support you with every fiber of my being. You are my daughter, and the love I feel for you will never fade. As I sit here, I see how much you’re hurting and it causes my own chest to tighten. All I want is for you to be happy, but I also want to be honest with you.”
“Okay.” My reply was more of a choked sob than an actual word, but I tried my best to quell the sadness surging through my heart.
“I realize I don’t know every detail of your life, and that’s fine. In fact, I prefer it that way, but from what you’ve told me and from what I’ve seen, I think what you feel for Ryan goes deeper than even you realize.”
“I can’t love someone like that.”
>
Taking one of my hands in his, Dad squeezed it gently. “I feel like I’m to blame here. I had a hard time after I lost your mom, and instead of protecting you from that harsh reality, I let you watch me suffer.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Doesn’t mean I did things right either.”
I exhaled deeply. “Ugh. Why do things like this have to be so hard?”
“That’s just the way life is.”
“I’ll be honest, I’m not a big fan of it at the moment.”
His easy laughter was enough to lighten the heaviness surrounding us. “Sometimes, I’m not a big fan of it either.” Sighing, I leaned into his open arms. The embrace was comforting, and the sense of protection I felt was unmistakable, as if I’d been dressed in a suit of armor. “You know what she’d tell you.”
“To face my fears.”
“She was the most courageous person I’ve ever known.”
“I wish I could be like her.”
“The two of you are more similar than you know.”
“Really?” I asked, still holding back tears.
“You both have the same vivacious spirit.”
“That isn’t a lot.”
“You didn’t let me finish.”
My hold on him tightened as I breathed in the familiar woodsy scent of his cologne. “I’m sorry.”
“You have it in you to be as fierce, as fearless as your mother was. I’ve already seen that kind of determination in you in the last few years. Despite what things you’ve been told, you still decided to pursue art. You didn’t allow the hesitations of others to alter your goals; if anything, that has forced you to try even harder.”
“I never thought about it like that.”
“You’re just as strong as she was.”
“Dad, what should I do?”
At my question, his arms released me. Pulling away, he stared at me for a moment. “The answer to that question is a lot more simple than you may think. You’ve already told me how important Ryan is to you and how you feel about him. On the other hand, you’ve also confessed your own fears are preventing you from having any kind of relationship with him. What you have to decide is if you can be satisfied with a life without him, or would you rather take the risk and have him in your life even though you may lose him?”
“Sure as hell doesn’t sound all that easy.”
“It is if you think about it.”
“I’ll be sure to give it some serious thought.”
He walked back to his end of the table. “Good,” he replied, smiling. “And if you need to talk some more, you know I’m always here for you.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“Anytime.”
I finished the rest of my food while Dad nursed his glass of wine. Sometimes, no matter how crazy life gets, or how stressed I am, coming home and spending time with Dad is like the perfect recipe for peace of mind.
When I finished eating, I cleared the table and started washing the dishes. I never minded washing dishes because it allowed me time to think. Without fail, there were always five hundred different thoughts buzzing inside my brain at any given time. I’d been that way ever since I was a child. Keeping my hands busy with a menial task always gave my mind time to soar. Like me, Dad didn’t sugar coat shit. He was more apt to tell people the truth, and that’s the same philosophy I’ve always employed.
He was right. There was an important decision I needed to make. But more than that, he also believed my feelings for Ry were more serious than I was willing to admit. I was aware of what he was insinuating, but he wasn’t the one who stated the obvious.
I was.
Before Dad had even had the opportunity to state his assumption, I’d confessed I couldn’t love someone in that way. He didn’t even state the word, I did. I was the one putting the sentiment out into the universe. No one forced that particular combination of letters from my lips—I offered it up freely.
Yet the real question remained. Did I bail because I didn’t want to get in too deep or because I was already there?
“You want any help?” Dad asked beside me.
“You cooked dinner. The least I can do is clean everything up.”
“Alright. Do you have work you need to do or are you up for a movie marathon?”
“You know I’ve always got time for you.”
“You pick the movie and I’ll get the popcorn.”
“Deal.”
A couple minutes later, we were sprawled across the couch, watching the opening credits for Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Wrapped up in a blanket with a huge bowl of popcorn and my dad sitting next to me, the only thing that could have made this whole scenario even better was if Mom were here.
However, even as I had the thought, I realized something else was also missing.
Ry.
I SPENT THREE DAYS practically locked within the walls of my childhood home. I painted, slept, cried, and hung out with Dad. It was a much-needed escape.
But you can only run for so long before everything you’ve been avoiding begins to catch up with you.
Answering Wren’s call on the fourth ring, I held the phone to my ear. “So, you ever coming back?” she asked, getting right down to business.
“I’m thinking about it.”
“Interesting, because your cryptic messages over the past few days have me thinking you’re halfway to Key West or Canada by now.”
“Seriously, babe. You know I’m at home.”
“Are you?”
I groaned in an epic display of frustration. “Yes, and I feel like we’ve been through this a hundred times already.”
“Then why is your ass in Elizabethton and not here chasing after a certain blond-haired, blue-eyed charmer we know?”
“Because it’s complicated.” I rolled over, burying my face in the pile of pillows resting on top of my bed.
“Seems to me like you’re the only one making it complicated.”
“You’re really starting to sound like a broken record.”
“Only because you still haven’t filled me in on what’s going on. Ryan picked me up and took me to breakfast yesterday. And believe me, I tried interrogating him like I was on an episode of Forensic Files, but he wasn’t talking either. My best guess is that he took you on a date and you freaked the fuck out because, despite all the defense mechanisms you have in place, you couldn’t help wanting more.”
“No,” I spat. “That’s not what happened.”
“Well, until you get back to Knox and explain everything in person, that’s the story I’m going with.”
I wasn’t sure why I was so hesitant to confess my sins to Wren. I knew judgment wasn’t even an issue between the two of us, but it was as if I couldn’t get myself to utter the truth. I submitted to Ry in ways I never dreamed possible, but once I’d passed the point of no return, I allowed cowardice to devour my soul.
“I’m coming back tomorrow.”
“Is there any way I can get that in writing?”
“I’ll see what I can do.” Drawing my lip between my teeth, I chewed on my flesh for a moment before summoning the courage to ask her about Ry. “Did he say anything?”
“Not one word,” she answered with an air of finality. “But he looked as if he hadn’t slept in a few days.”
“Really?”
“His hair was unkempt, his eyelids were rimmed with red, and he was rocking the beginning of a lumberjack beard.”
A sharp pain shot through my heart. I was the cause of his suffering. I was the reason sleep eluded him. “Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“What did you say?” I questioned, my voice teeming with heaviness.
“I told him to go home, take a damn shower, and get some sleep. Then I promised to meet up with him sometime tonight.”
“Oh.”
“For someone who usually has a hard time closing her mouth, you seem to be pretty tight-lipped today.”
“I’m not tight-lipped.”
“Whatever.”
“Anyway, can’t we talk about something else for a minute?”
I didn’t have to see Wren to know she was rolling her eyes. She always did give as good as she got. “Why the hell not? It’s not like this conversation is really going anywhere.”
“Jesus, woman, if I wanted the third degree, I’d call up Mrs. Bleeker and ask to be lectured on the proper way to recognize symbolism in modern literature.”
“Damn, I forgot how much she lived for that shit.”
“How could you forget? I thought we’d never stop writing papers about it.”
“True, but what she always failed to remember was that we were only ninth graders. While I can appreciate some of the concepts she was trying to teach us, the things she expected us to know were also a bit beyond our depth.”
“That was the only time Dad confessed to disliking one of my teachers.”
“Do you remember when she caught us reading the online summaries of Ethan Frome?”
“Remember?” I asked incredulously. “She assigned us to early morning trash pickup for an entire week! I mean, it wasn’t like we failed to do the assignment or something. We read the book . . . We just didn’t understand a damn word of it.”
“She was a holy terror. The school basically threw a party when she retired. Well, of course they threw her a retirement party, but us students also had a party of our own.”
“It was pretty much the equivalent of all the munchkins celebrating the death of the Wicked Witch of the West.”
“Too bad she didn’t get crushed by a house.”
“Wren!”
“What? I’m just saying.”
“Anyway, how are you doing with work and school and everything?”
“Just so you know, I’m allowing you to shift the focus of this talk we’re having.”
I snickered at her admission. Honestly, we were two fucking sassy peas in a damn pod. “Wow, that’s so kind of you.”
“Whatever home we end up in together is going to have their damn hands full. That’s all I have to say about the two of us,” she replied. “I’m doing okay. Exhausted, but you know me. I’ll make it through.”
“I know you will.”
Not Without You Page 19