by Lynn Mann
As we reached the paddock, I was relieved to see that the group of onlookers was substantially smaller than on the previous day, a desirable effect of the deteriorating weather, I supposed. I removed Infinity’s blanket and wrapped it around the top rail of the fence, glad to be left to saddle Infinity by myself while Feryl stood chatting animatedly with some of our spectators. I mounted as I had been instructed the previous day and then asked Infinity to move forward.
Feryl appeared not to have noticed that Infinity and I had begun the lesson without him, so I asked Infinity to move towards the centre of the paddock, where we practised our turning, stopping and then moving on again. We both enjoyed the feeling of moving together as a partnership.
We had weaved and circled our way over to the far side of the paddock by the time Feryl joined us, slightly out of breath. ‘Good, very good,’ he said enthusiastically, ‘you’re doing very well, I think we can move you both up to a trot now.’
Faster? asked Infinity. Her front legs were already under strain from the little we had done.
Yes. What do you think? Shall I tell Feryl that you can’t?
When we escaped the Woeful there was more weight on my front legs as we went faster, she replied.
Right, time for answers, I decided. We halted and I told Feryl about how Infinity was feeling, the problem she’d had when we’d fled from the Woeful and her concerns that if we went faster, the same thing would happen.
He nodded. ‘She’s not strong enough to carry you at speed yet, that will be why she lost her balance and fell, but she’ll be alright carrying you in walk and trot.’
‘She’s worried about going any faster now though,’ I said. ‘If she’s having trouble with too much weight on her front legs when we’re going slowly, won’t it just get worse when she increases pace?’
‘Amarilla, you’re going to have to trust me when I tell you that trotting will help increase Infinity’s strength and fitness, and then she’ll find it easier to carry you.’
We will try to do as he says, Infinity resolved.
‘Okay, what do you want us to do?’ I asked Feryl.
After a few minutes listening to Feryl’s instructions, I asked Infinity to walk on and then move up to a trot. I was surprised and pleased to discover that I found Feryl’s instructions very easy to carry out, and I absolutely loved the feeling of being able to move my body in harmony with Infinity’s. I could hear Rowena cheering above the wind, which boosted me even more.
I switched my awareness from focusing purely on my body’s movement, to Infinity. Shock jolted through me and caused me to lose my balance as I realised how much lower she was in front of me now – and where was she? Physically, she was beneath me, trotting around the paddock, but where was she in my mind? I had become used to an all-encompassing sense of her when I turned my awareness over to the part of my mind that we shared, but that sense was gone, except… there she was. Relief flooded me as I found her, but it was as if she and I were connected by merely the thinnest of threads, as if her mind were being confined somewhere that I couldn’t access.
Infinity? What’s happening? What shall I do?
This is not right, came Infinity’s faint reply. The sense of desperation that accompanied it shook me to my core.
I relayed her response breathlessly to Feryl, who instructed us to stop. Infinity lurched back to a walk and then stumbled, before managing to halt. I pitched forward onto her neck, my bottom lip trembling.
Feryl was full of good cheer as he explained that Infinity had lost her balance merely because she had been trotting too fast. He then spent a good deal of time explaining how to use my body to help her to slow down in future, before declaring the lesson at an end. ‘Don’t worry, it will come, you just need to practise, we’ll try again tomorrow, same time, alright?’
I nodded numbly, before sliding from Infinity’s back. I felt tired and disheartened, but my discomfort was nothing compared with Infinity’s. The whole front end of her body ached and her chest felt very strange. I focused all of my awareness to that area of her body and was horrified by what I discovered; her chest cavity had been compressed and it felt as if her very essence had become trapped inside. I rubbed Infinity’s chest.
Fin I’m so sorry. How do I help you? I asked her.
I would like my blanket and I need to rest, came the faint reply.
‘That was a good effort, well done you both!’ said Rowena, then saw my face. ‘What’s wrong?’
I described everything that had happened as Infinity and I walked to where I had left her rug.
I felt Oak’s thoughts fly past my mind and Rowena said, ‘Oak’s concerned for Infinity too. Can we help?’
‘Can you ask Oak what he thinks has happened?’
Oak’s communication flowed past me as the four of us walked back to Infinity’s paddock.
‘Oak has confirmed what you’re feeling from Infinity. It seems that in being pushed down onto her front end by your weight, her chest area has become compressed and that has shut down Infinity’s ability to express herself fully.’
I opened the paddock gate and Infinity walked in slowly, with Oak close behind her. She drank deeply from the water trough and then wandered over to the beech tree.
Fin what can I do for you? I asked her.
Nothing. Everything happens as it should. All is well. A muted wave of love and reassurance reached me.
How can all possibly be well? What if I’ve damaged you forever, what if you never recover back to yourself?
I will recover. We will use the experience to progress. She lay down at the foot of the tree. Wet leaves swirled all about as Oak stood protectively over her.
All of a sudden, there was a wild whinnying accompanied by a thunder of hooves. Oak drew himself up to his full height, ears pricked in the direction of the noise. Infinity’s tired body language didn’t change as she lay with her nose resting on one of her forelegs.
Rowena and I turned to see Gas galloping down from the fields towards us, with Justin on his back. My vision informed me, as it had the last time I saw them together, that I saw only one animal rather than two. Gas skidded to a halt in front of us and remained still just long enough for Justin to slide from his bare back, before turning and jumping the gate into Infinity’s paddock from a standstill. He trotted majestically over to Infinity and Oak. Oak whickered to him, which he reciprocated and then both of them lowered their heads over Infinity’s tired, sore body.
‘What just happened?’ I asked Justin.
‘You tell me!’ he replied. ‘We were out for a ride with Shann and Spider and we were on the way home when Gas got all agitated. He said Infinity was in trouble and it was similar to what happened to him only worse, and he needed to be with her. He insisted on galloping all the way back and he knows I hate doing that when I haven’t got his saddle on, anyway, Shann and Spider kept up for a while and then got left behind, but we carried on, flat out, until we got here. And I bet he’s opened his gash up again, we were only supposed to be walking until we have Adam’s new unguent. So, what’s happened to Infinity? I haven’t felt Gas so beside himself since we had all our problems when I first rode him, and he was so intent on getting back that he wouldn’t explain it to me.’
I told him what had happened, whilst the three of us stood leaning on the fence, watching our horses. He frowned thoughtfully and had just opened his mouth to speak, when all three of us started and then looked over to our three horses. Oak and Gas were helping Infinity, supporting and steadying her, but not in a way that was physical. I could feel that they were each sending energy to her, gently and not in such a way that she would feel invaded by it, indeed, I was aware that at any time she could hold it away from herself if she chose, but she did not. She allowed their energy to infuse and slowly revitalise her. I felt her chest cavity relax and open, and my sense of my mare instantly became stronger. Linked strongly as our three horses were at that moment, I realised suddenly that I was aware of Justin and Rowena t
hrough their bond with their horses, and that they were aware of me.
Rowena’s emotions burned like a raging house fire. Anger and hurt were the overriding ones, but love was attempting to battle its way to predominance. Behind all the emotion was a quiet strength. Justin was a bundle of energy, barely contained and desperate for a direction in which to focus himself.
It was too much for all of us. I felt myself recoil from the intimacy we had all shared just as my two friends did the same. All three of us sat down with a bump as our knees gave way simultaneously and, relieved for a diversion from our embarrassment at knowing each other’s inner selves so intimately, we all collapsed into laughter. A steady thumping of hooves announced the arrival of Shann and Spider.
‘Well this just gets weirder and weirder,’ said Shann and he pointed at Justin. ‘You and Gas gallop off without a word of explanation, Spider knows what’s happening but refuses to tell me — apparently you will tell me if you decide to — and when I finally catch up with you, I find you rolling around hysterically in the wet grass with two women! Anyone care to explain?’
We laughed even harder. When we finally stopped and allowed ourselves to be hauled to our feet by a now dismounted Shann, I was aware that Gas and Oak had ceased sending energy to Infinity and all three now rested. Infinity slept deeply and the two stallions dozed whilst continuing to stand over her, their noses almost touching above her back. It was a beautiful sight.
It occurred to me that our horses, linked as they had been, were completely at ease with being open to one another and had held nothing back. Unlike we humans. We had been exposed to one another for a fraction of a second and each of us had recoiled as if we’d been stung. As I half listened to Justin recounting to Shann what had happened, noting that he omitted the part where he, Rowena and I had been so intimately aware of one another, I had a fleeting insight into how humans must appear from the viewpoint of a horse. We didn’t know our own worth and so we had a need to feel special. We were closed off in our own individual little worlds, which we protected fiercely from each other lest anyone realise just how little we each really thought of ourselves and how vulnerable we felt ourselves to be. I thought that we must seem ridiculous to the horses, since the horses know their place in the scheme of things and have no need for all of the complications with which humans insist on surrounding themselves.
Not ridiculous. My musings appeared to have penetrated Infinity’s slumber. Merely immature, she added before dropping back into her deep sleep.
‘I think we all need a cup of tea and I happen to know that Adam is in possession of an extremely large fruit cake. Race you to his room, last one there’s a loser!’ said Rowena and dashed off in the direction of the healing rooms. There was a slightly hysterical tone to her voice and as I followed hot on her heels, I hoped that our friendship wouldn’t suffer as a result of what she must have realised Justin and I had seen in her. As Justin overtook both of us, I could hear Shann’s protests that he still had to see Spider back to his paddock. I ran on, leaving my beautiful piebald mare to rest.
Thirteen
Decision
Adam was busy with the last of the day’s patients when we arrived at his rooms, so he deposited the four of us in one of the empty rooms at the end of the corridor with tea and fruit cake until he had finished. Justin, Rowena and I tried to look anywhere but at each other as we sipped our tea and nibbled from our respective slices of cake, and it wasn’t long before Shann picked up on it and demanded to know what was wrong. Justin glared at Shann and shook his head. Shann looked at each of us in turn with a confused expression and I felt something dart past my mind to him. It must be Spider communicating with him, I decided to myself. Shann shrugged, looked at each of us again and then asked if any of us would be assisting with raising the canopies the following day. I had no idea what he was talking about and was relieved when he broke the tension by explaining.
I learnt that when the weather changed for the worse each autumn, massive canopies were erected over the riding paddocks so that people could continue to work and learn with their horses throughout the cold and wet months. It required large work teams to erect the canopies, and sometimes some of the horses would volunteer to assist. I volunteered immediately. Justin did the same in an overly cheerful voice and after receiving thoughts from Oak, Rowena added in a slightly stiff voice that she and her horse would both be pleased to help. At that, Shann launched into a tale about the chaos Gas had caused when he helped to erect the canopies some years previously.
Adam entered the room to much laughter, courtesy of Gas and his antics. He asked us about our afternoon and I told him about Infinity’s and my lesson and what had happened to her. He said Peace had helped a mare who’d had a difficult labour, in a similar way to the way Infinity had been aided by Oak and Gas and we all agreed what a marvel it was, before he arose, saying he needed to work on the unguent for Gas’s knee. I stood up to go with him as previously agreed and Justin asked if he could watch also. My heart sank slightly; I had hoped for some space from both Justin and Rowena in which to gather my thoughts.
As it turned out, once Adam began his work, any concerns I had about Justin’s presence were forgotten in an instant. Adam had sourced specimens of the two plants with which he wanted to experiment and they sat in seemingly over-large pots on his workbench, along with a bowl containing some of the unguent that was usually so successful in healing cuts and abrasions, but on this occasion was being defied by Gas’s personality.
Adam sat down at his bench and concentrated hard on one of the two plants. I thought I was imagining things to begin with, until I looked at Justin to find that his eyes had widened in disbelief; the plant was growing perceptibly larger in front of our very eyes. It grew steadily until it looked the right size for its pot, and then Adam turned his attention to the plant sitting next to it and repeated the procedure. When the second plant had reached a similar size to the first, he relaxed his concentration, looked at us both and grinned. ‘Just a little something I’ve been working on. I’m going to need a fair bit of sap and I don’t want to kill these beauties, so I decided to help them grow a bit so they won’t miss what I need to take from them.’
‘Flaming lanterns Adam, how did you do that?’ asked Justin breathlessly.
‘Oh, I just took on board what Infinity told our Amarilla here, about the Skills all being the same. I decided that if it’s all the same and Tree-Singers can use their intention and song to help the trees grow faster and into the shapes we need, then surely I can do it with my little friends here.’
‘But Adam you didn’t sing,’ I said.
‘Oh, I sang, just not out loud,’ said Adam with a twinkle in his eye.
‘You’re going to have to explain what you mean by that,’ said Justin. ‘I have enough cryptic answers from Gas to deal with on a daily basis, without wondering what on earth you’re talking about as well.’
Adam laughed. ‘I sang to them with my mind. It’s what the Tree-Singers do while they’re singing out loud, whether they realise it or not. I have so many exciting ideas to work on thanks to you and your wonderful little mare, Amarilla. There I was, living a quiet life in Coolridge, and then you appear on my doorstep looking as if you’ve been dragged behind an ox cart for days on end, and everything changes in an instant!’
‘He Who Is Peace, you have nothing to thank us for,’ I said. Adam looked searchingly into my eyes. I guessed he would realise that the honorific by which I had called him had come from my horse, but I couldn’t have known what it would mean to him. Tears filled his eyes as he smiled, a faraway look on his face.
When he came to a few minutes later, he wiped his eyes and said, ‘well it just shows that one is never too old to be surprised. Now I think, Amarilla, that you would be the best person to perform this next stage, silly old man, look at me I’m quite overcome with emotion. Now, you will need to tune in to the unguent and get a sense of the herbs that I have combined to assist in the healing
of damaged flesh. Next, tune in to the herbs in front of you in turn, specifically the sap, and tell me which, if either, will be appropriate to try mixing with the unguent to make it more elastic. Any questions?’
I shook my head.
‘Good, then if you will both excuse me, I will leave the room and return when I have pulled myself fully together.’
‘What was all that about?’ asked Justin once Adam had left.
I shook a hand at him to be quiet, as I had already begun tuning in to the unguent as I’d been instructed. I moved on to the potted herbs and it wasn’t long before I decided that the sap of the second plant would suffice. After double-checking it, I allowed my concentration to lapse.
I looked towards the door, hoping Adam would soon return so I wouldn’t be alone with Justin for too long now that I had finished my task. I had no idea how to deal with the fact that I knew more about him than he might want me to know. I stared at the workbench, feeling embarrassed.
‘Amarilla you have no need to feel awkward about what I saw in you, or what you saw in me. Shall we just say what we saw? I think if we both just talk about it, we can move past this horrible embarrassment,’ said Justin.
I turned to face him. ‘I felt you as raw energy, only just bound within your body and desperate for something to focus on,’ I blurted out.
He looked at me thoughtfully. ‘Well that’s interesting. What you saw in me is what I saw in Gas when we first bonded, apart from the bit about needing something to focus on. Now you know why I chose his name.’
Things began to come together in my mind. ‘When I see you and Gas together, you blur together, and Infinity says I see true. I saw in you what you saw in him and Adam told me that when we name our horses, what we see in them is what we have the potential to be. I think you’re nearly there.’