by Lynn Mann
‘How is she?’ I was completely in awe of what she was about to do.
‘She’s tired and hungry, but the horses say she’s stopped taking much interest in her body now. She’s ready to go.’
Integrity left her body during the night, Marvel told me the following morning. Apparently, he went to the stone building at dawn and found her and Newson’s bodies atop the shroud, as if they’d both lain down to sleep. The shroud had subsequently been stitched together and sealed by the Tailors, and the building had been made secure. Broad told Marvel that Integrity and Newson had successfully moved on and Integrity was now confident that Newson would be able to retain everything he had learnt in his lifetime. I breathed a sigh of relief for him.
During that day a shift took place within me; the immediate aftermath of that terrible day had passed and I felt a keen sense of anticipation, strongly coupled with one of dread, for what now lay ahead.
That evening, Infinity returned to the land of the living.
Nineteen
Change
I was sitting with a hand resting on my horse’s neck, concentrating on breathing slowly due to a particularly intense bout of pain in my heart, when Infinity came back to herself.
You have done well. Her energy flowed around and through me, steadying the painful lurching of my heart.
Fin? I allowed myself to reach for her and she was there! Oh Fin, thank the stars, you’re back!
She heaved herself up onto her elbows, and I moved to sit in the warm spot that had been vacated by her head and neck. I cradled her head in my arms and hugged her, crying with happiness, with relief, with all the love in the world for my horse.
Fin I’ve missed you so much, you’ve no idea, I’ve been completely lost, thank goodness you’re back with me!
You have been far from lost. You have demonstrated to your fellow humans that the Skills are something anyone can perform. You have been able to see past your fear and have realised the path you must take despite little support from those to whom you feel closest. In addition you found the courage and strength to speak out when necessary. It has been an uncomfortable time for you but at no time were you lost.
But I don’t really know what I’m doing! I feel as if I’m groping around in the dark and I have no idea what to do next!
If you knew what to do next then you would not need to do it.
Oh, Fin you’ve no idea how much I’ve missed you! And poor Quinta will never have this again with Noble.
She Who is Noble no longer needs this level of interaction with her horse. If she did then he would not have left.
But he had no choice, the Woeful…
Played the part they were meant to. Cease struggling. Your mind rushes from one thing to the next and you prevent yourself from realising what you know.
But…
Walks A Straight Path. Cease. I must eat and you must sleep. She got to her feet and began to munch her hay.
Do you need support? Shall I go and get the others to help me support you?
I will eat and rest as necessary. I require no assistance. Sleep.
I felt as if my world had come back into focus. Infinity was thin and weak, but she was back with me. I fell asleep to what will always be one of my favourite sounds — the munch, munch of a relaxed, hungry horse.
I slept well that night and awoke feeling refreshed and happy. I sat up to the sight of Infinity tucking into a vastly depleted pile of hay and noted that for the first time since I had healed my mare, the other horses were all at the far end of the shelter. Oak and Gas lay flat out as they slept and Dili stood with one hind leg resting, giving the appearance of being asleep on her feet although I knew that she would be alert for anything out of the ordinary as she took her turn at watch. So, the horses felt that Infinity no longer needed their help, I realised and smiled with fresh relief that my horse was now well and truly on the road to recovery.
Fin there’s some grain here, I can add warm water to it if you want some?
Hay will suffice.
How are you feeling this morning?
You are as aware of my body as I.
I grinned as I realised that in the absence of Infinity’s thoughts, I’d once more grown used to the human social requirement for chatter. I felt her amusement at my thoughts and gathered them together. There was so much I needed to ask her.
No. You do not.
????????
You do not need to ask me. You know.
But what about what happened? With the Woeful? With you? What if Shann hadn’t got to you when he did? And what about the other Horse-Bonded planning to hunt the Woeful? Quinta said you’d advise me as Noble counselled her. Will you?
Infinity munched on in silence.
Fin? Please Fin, I’ve waited and waited for you to wake up, I’ve felt so alone, please help me?
You do not require my assistance. You have no questions to which you do not already know the answer.
I pondered everything that had happened, how I had reacted and how I thought that she would have advised me had she been conscious. She was right; I knew that I had behaved in exact accordance with everything she had taught me. Mild approval washed over me from Infinity, but the majority of her attention was focused on satisfying her appetite.
Infinity and I received many visitors as the news spread that she was now fully conscious and able to stand by herself. The Healers who had helped me on “that day” all came to see us, thrilled that Infinity was back on her feet and eating well. Holly hugged me and told me excitedly that she was looking forward to my return to normality when Infinity was strong enough to make it down to the buildings. Apparently, she and the other Healers were desperate to know how I’d done what I’d done, but had been requested by Adam not to ask me about it until Infinity was well on the road to recovery. My heart sank slightly at the thought of having to impart yet more controversial information, but a pulse of energy from Infinity reminded me that I wasn’t alone.
When Adam came to see us, I asked him why he was keeping it secret that he was using Skills other than the one in which he’d been trained.
He smiled, his eyes twinkling. ‘Ahh, with me, it’s just a case of an old man tinkering around and having some fun. You, on the other hand, have a job to do and I wouldn’t dream of muddying the water.’
‘Sometimes, Adam, I think you speak in riddles as much as Infinity does. Can’t you just tell everyone you can tree-sing before I get back down there, maybe take some of the attention away from me?’
His smile broadened. ‘Now why in the name of all that is natural would I want to do that?’
‘To make my life easier? Please Adam?’
‘Would that I could Amarilla, but this old man is long enough in the tooth to know when to keep to one side and allow another to tread the path they were meant to, even if, sadly, it means having to watch them struggle.’
I sighed, recognising the finality with which my friend and mentor spoke. There was a wisdom about his words that was reminiscent of how Infinity counselled me.
Rowena remained conspicuous by her absence and when I questioned Quinta, and later Justin, about her, they had little to tell me; Quinta had seen little of her and Justin was a shadow of his former self and had little to say about anything. I tried to engage him in conversation, telling him how Infinity was doing, how Gas and the other horses were now resting away from her and finally resorting to talking about the slowly improving weather. Nothing I could say seemed able to pull him out of his depression.
Infinity munched hay almost constantly for the next couple of days and then announced that she was strong enough to walk down to a shelter nearer the buildings. I tried to talk her out of it, wanting her to gain more strength first, but she was adamant. Apparently, she was in the best position to judge how strong she was and she deemed it beyond necessary that she move closer to the buildings in order that I would resume taking care of my own body’s needs satisfactorily. I soon realised that there was little p
oint in arguing with her and so organised for people to walk on both sides of her, leaning into her to help support her if her strength failed at any time.
The pathway was a layer of slush on top of ice and negotiating it with Infinity was a slippery and nerve-racking procedure.
‘There we go my sweet, just slowly now, we don’t want you slippin’, do we? That’s it, just take your time.’ Mason talked quietly and non-stop to Infinity as she stepped tentatively along the path. I had a feeling it was as much to ease his own concern for her as to try and provide her with reassurance.
We slipped and slid our way slowly towards the warm bed and mound of hay that waited for Infinity, according to Mason’s continuing discourse from just behind me. Holly and Justin were in front of me and on Infinity’s other side were Jack, Quinta, Marvel and Vickery. Gas, Oak and Diligence stepped along carefully behind us all, already having made it clear that they expected to share Infinity’s new paddock and shelter. I was grateful to them as I knew I would find it easier to be apart from my mare knowing that she wasn’t alone.
As we neared the buildings, I realised that things were definitely not as they had been. Mason’s dialogue became louder and more urgent, but he couldn’t distract me from noticing that something extremely unpleasant pervaded the atmosphere. It wasn’t dispelled by the high-pitched and not quite real laughter that emanated from a group of people who stood chatting nearby. I felt acutely uneasy as we peeled away from Infinity to allow her and the other horses through the gateway of her new paddock.
‘Well that was a mission well accomplished! Well done everyone!’ said Mason. ‘Now my little Am, you’ll be needin’ a good feed, a hot bath and then some sleep in a nice warm bed. We can settle the horses in, don’t you worry about your girl, Dili’ll watch over her.’
‘Um, I’d like to stay with Infinity for a little while first thanks Mason. Thank you all very much for your help, it’s such a relief to have her down here,’ I replied.
‘Right well I’ll stay with you and then we can go and find Turi together. She promised to have somethin’ special prepared for your first meal back in the land of the livin’ and you never know, she might have made extra for me!’ Mason said.
Justin said, ‘it’s alright Mason, I know you have loads of work to do, so I’ll see to the horses with Am. I missed breakfast so I was going to go and beg some grub from Turi anyway. Amarilla can come with me.’
They held each other’s gaze and unspoken words appeared to pass between them.
Mason nodded slowly. ‘If you’re sure? There shouldn’t be much to do, I hauled plenty of hay for all of them first thing and that should see them through to this evenin’, when I’ll bring another load. Maybe just shake up some straw in the far shelter in case any of them have a mind to use it?’
Justin nodded. ‘We’ll see to it.’
Mason put a meaty hand on Justin’s shoulder and gave it a brief squeeze, before giving me a nod and a wink and then departing. Everyone apart from Marvel traipsed off after him.
‘I’ll be fencing in that paddock over there all day Amarilla,’ said Marvel, ‘so I’ll check on Infinity regularly. You rest easy when you’ve eaten.’
‘Thanks Marvel. You will let me know if there’s a problem? Do you know where my room is if you need to find me?’
‘I’m sure it won’t be hard to find. There’s probably a queue of Healers waiting outside it as we speak. Joking!’ He laughed and walked off towards the livestock paddocks.
I grinned. A glance at Justin revealed that he didn’t share the humour.
‘How do you do it Am?’ he said.
‘Do what?’
His brown eyes bored into mine desperately. ‘After everything that’s happened, everything that you’ve seen, what you’ve been through with Infinity and what’s going on here now — and you can feel it, the fear and anger that’s leaching from just about everyone here, I know you can — how can you still smile? I’m ten years older than you and I feel about the same amount younger. I’m a mess.’
‘Justin, you’ve just lost your best friend. It’s understandable that you need time to get over it. You’re grieving, just like Rowena is.’
‘It’s more than that Amarilla, much more; I feel hate. Real hate. And when you start talking of helping those… those monsters, I feel like I hate you too. I’m sorry, I don’t want to, but I do. How can you possibly want to help the creatures that caused all of this?’
I took a deep breath and climbed through the paddock fence. Justin followed me and we passed Dili and Oak pulling hay from a manger attached to the fence, and carried on towards the field shelter into which Infinity and Gas had disappeared. We found Infinity lying down in a deep, clean straw bed, while Gas munched hay from a pile nearby. The sight of my horse resting peacefully calmed me.
‘What are Gas’s thoughts on all of this?’ I asked Justin.
‘I don’t know, I haven’t asked him.’
‘WHAT? You’re in all this turmoil and you didn’t ask Gas to help you?’
‘I could feel Gas supporting Infinity when you were healing her, and afterwards, and I felt I should leave him to focus his attention on you and Fin. I’ve been so preoccupied with my own thoughts that there’s been no room in my head to process anything from him anyway.’
‘It’s fear that makes you like that,’ I said. ‘Maybe you just need to stop focusing on everything that’s happened and bring your attention back to the part of you that’s aware of Gas, and then you’ll know everything you need to?’
‘It’s not that easy. How can I stop thinking about what happened to Shann? What the Woeful did? What they could do again?’
‘Infinity says they played the part they were meant to. Justin please, listen to me. Infinity was nearly killed. Don’t you think I should be the one who’s angry and afraid? You asked me why I can still smile, well it’s probably because I live by what Infinity’s taught me. I may not have been bonded as long as the rest of you but I listen to her over everyone and over everything I ever thought I knew, because she’s better than me. You and Gas are the closest bonded partnership here, I can’t even see you as being separate when you’re together, you know that, and that means of everyone here, you should find it easiest to get over all of this. Stop struggling. Stop focusing on what’s happened and find yourself again through Gas.’
‘But, Shann…
‘Wouldn’t want you to suffer like this. You know he wouldn’t.’
Justin sighed and leaned back against the wall. Gas was at his side in an instant and they blurred together. Infinity was already asleep, so I quietly left the shelter.
Some of the rails had been taken down to allow the horses into the adjacent paddock and its field shelter, as Infinity’s shelter was only large enough to accommodate two horses lying down. Remembering Mason’s instructions, I wandered over to the field shelter and began to shake loose the straw that had been dumped inside. I was just finishing when Rowena appeared in the doorway.
‘Hi Am, I’m glad Infinity’s better, here’s a new blanket I’ve made, since her old one got shredded,’ she said cheerfully. ‘Is that ready for Oak? Thanks, I should have been down earlier to see to it myself only I thought I’d better get this rug finished if Fin’s going to be on her feet more of the time now.’
I decided to follow Rowena’s lead and pretend everything was normal. ‘Er, thanks Ro, she’ll definitely be needing that, I’ll put it on her next time she stands up.’
‘She looks very peaceful sleeping in her new shelter, I’ve just been in there,’ said Rowena.
‘Is Justin still there?’
‘Yep, he’s a bit emotional. Gas is with him so I thought I’d better leave them to it and come and see to Oak.’
‘Oh, thank goodness,’ I said.
She gave me an odd look. ‘Right, well I’d better get on with grooming Oak, his coat’s been looking a bit dull these last few days.’
‘Want a hand?’
She handed me a
brush and then removed Oak’s rug. I was shocked to see that his normally gleaming coat had indeed lost a good deal of its lustre. Oak turned to face me and gave me my second shock. How had I not noticed his eyes during all the time he had spent in the field shelter helping Infinity? Was it the dull light in there or had I really been so preoccupied with Infinity that I’d failed to notice anything else? He had the beginnings of the hollows above his eyes that Liberal had and behind his gaze I could see that he suffered. I took an involuntary step back.
‘Ro what’s wrong with him? It’s not just his coat, look at his eyes!’
She sighed. ‘He’s alright. He’ll be alright.’
‘But what’s wrong? Is it anything I can help with? He’s been helping Infinity and me enough… oh no, it’s not that is it? Has he worn himself out helping Fin?’
‘It’s nothing to do with you or Infinity,’ Rowena said sharply, ‘and it’s nothing that he and I can’t sort out by ourselves.’
Liberal’s face flashed into my mind along with the realisation I had had about his demeanour and appearance being connected to Feryl’s attitudes and behaviour, and I suddenly knew what was wrong with Oak. He stared deeply into my eyes with his huge, brown, sad ones, confirming to me that I was right. My heart lurched painfully as I plucked up the courage to speak.
‘Ro you’re not listening to Oak, are you.’
She put her hands on her hips and said, ‘how dare you? You who stand there all goodness and light while Shann’s dead, dead because of you and your horse, how dare you try and lecture me about my relationship with my horse?’
I was horrified. ‘I don’t blame you for being angry, for being hurt, I know what Shann meant to you…’
‘YOU HAVE NO IDEA!’ she yelled. ‘HOW COULD YOU KNOW? YOU WHO’VE GROWN UP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF BECAUSE YOUR FAMILY DIDN’T UNDERSTAND YOU! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE ALONE YOUR WHOLE LIFE, TO FEEL THAT YOU’RE WORTH NOTHING! And then just as I begin to trust that my life could actually turn out well after all, with my beautiful horse and someone who really cares about me, ABOUT ME! He’s taken away from me. BECAUSE OF YOU AND YOUR HORSE! IF IT WASN’T FOR YOU, SHANN WOULD STILL BE HERE!’