by Lynn Mann
‘That’s all I was missing in order to complete my herb journal, but while we’re here I want to tell you that I know why Infinity told me that discovery and creation are one and the same. It had me completely stumped because if they’re the same and we’re actually “creating” the remedies, then how come Herbalists end up “discovering” the same remedies for all the ailments? But when I thought about it when I was out of my body, away from all the distractions and illusions that go with being here, I knew the answer! It’s because we’re all dreaming the same dream, just like Infinity told me, only then I didn’t know what she meant, but now I do — we’re all one! We believe the dream that we’re all separate beings, just like we believe dreams when we’re asleep, but the horses know the dream for what it is, and so do I now!’
Adam was now leaning on the doorframe, his eyes alert and exuding their usual twinkle. The more I talked, the wider his smile became. When I finally came to the end of my discourse, he nodded and said, ‘well I’ve never said this while standing in a doorway in my dressing gown before, but Amarilla Nixon, by the light, I declare that your apprenticeship is at an end and you may now consider yourself a qualified Herbalist.’ He winked. ‘Not that it matters one jot in the grand scheme of things, does it?’
I laughed. ‘No, not in the slightest!’
Adam ushered me into one of his armchairs and then pulled a small table in front of me, on top of which was a tray with bread rolls, cheese, jam and a variety of cold meats on it. He gestured with his hand. ‘Tuck in, tuck in! Turi noticed I wasn’t making it to breakfast in the mornings, so she’s acquired a habit of delivering a tray to my room for when I get back from sitting with the two of you; she always leaves enough for three or four people. You haven’t eaten for, what, nearly two weeks? Not that your body appeared to need nourishment while you were gone.’
‘You haven’t been making it to breakfast because you’ve been sitting with me at night,’ I said.
‘Yes, yes, but not just me, we’ve been taking it in turns to sit with you and Justin, he’s been, well he’s been…’
‘I know.’
‘Yes of course you do.’ Adam sat quietly in the armchair opposite mine whilst I ate. I had so much to tell him, yet, now I was with him, I felt no need to rush. He put his kettle on to boil and then made some tea. When I’d eaten my fill, he placed a steaming mug in my hands. ‘What was it like?’ he asked me.
I told him everything, once again leaving out any details that were personal to Justin, and he listened quietly, nodding occasionally as he sipped his tea. ‘So, Infinity now calls Justin, “He Who Is Gas”!’ I finished, still tickled by the fact. ‘I mean at least I get to be “She Who Is Infinity” and you’re “He Who Is Peace” — poor Justin!’
As Adam chuckled, something struck me. ‘Infinity calls you “He Who Is Peace” and that means you achieved the potential you saw for yourself when you bonded. Did you consider leaving with Peace when he died?’
Adam nodded slowly, smiling. ‘It took me a long, long time before I finally found the peace I’d sought for so long and my dear old boy fought hard for it alongside me. He knew I was close to finding it at the time his body was nearing its end and he gave me a choice. He said that when I took the final step and reached my potential, he would be ready to pass on and he would help me to leave with him if I wished, but that if I did so I would be missing an opportunity. I would have achieved the potential I saw for myself back when we bonded, but I would be missing out on achieving a greater potential for myself. He told me that if I stayed, I’d not only advance myself further, but I would be able to assist others in doing the same.
‘It was the hardest decision of my life. I’m an old man and Peace had been my whole world for a very long time. I so much wanted to leave with him, but I felt what he wanted for me and I felt I owed it to him to push myself further. And so, when the day came that he lay down his body and moved on, I stayed. A few years passed and several dear friends made it their business to keep an eye on me, Rowena among them. And then you landed on my doorstep. You and Infinity opened the door to the opportunity Peace foresaw for me and I’ve been having the time of my life ever since! I’d never have believed it possible!’
‘You’re close, aren’t you?’ I said quietly. ‘You have to be. We’ve all seen you ride Spider. Adam are you going to leave us soon?’
‘Yes Amarilla, I believe I am.’
I didn’t feel any need to cry or try and talk him into staying. I could feel how happy he was. He had lived his life and lived it well. He’d achieved more than he’d dreamt was possible and he was almost at the point of achieving that perfect physical balance that would allow him to clear the last few traces of energy from his past, leaving him fulfilled, whole and ready to move on.
‘Thanks Adam, for everything you’ve done for me.’ I put all of my feeling for him into my words.
He smiled the smile of someone who is truly happy. ‘Likewise, Amarilla, likewise. Now if you’ll leave an old man in peace, I’ll be able to get some clothes on before the first of my patients arrives. Unless you’d like to see them for me, my fellow Herbalist?’
‘Not this morning, I think Justin is going to need my support. Rowena’s on a mission.’
‘Say no more, I’ll see you at lunch.’
I went to see Infinity and found her grazing peacefully in the warm sunshine, alongside Gas. Liberal stood dozing nearby. He was a different horse from when I’d last set eyes on him; the hollows above his eyes had disappeared, he’d put on weight and he looked muscular, sleek and shiny. It was something about the way he held himself, though, that struck me most of all. I could sense his energetic presence easily and I knew that he was feeling fulfilled. He’d always been admired for his natural grace and balance, but that had been a fraction of what he’d been capable and he’d spent a long time feeling frustrated. Now, he was being pushed and approaching the limits of his physical ability and he was very happy about it. I was thrilled for both him and Feryl.
Infinity pushed at my mind. I would be groomed.
I fetched my grooming kit from the field shelter and set to work. Infinity reached around to nuzzle my back in return. I groomed her as I always did, yet something was different. Usually, grooming Infinity gave my mind a chance to wander around and process things that were going on in and around me. This time, however, I found that focusing my attention on my horse gave me a break from my humanity. My hands moved the brushes around, used the comb to untangle her mane and tail, and the hoof pick to clear her feet, while my mind was able to join Infinity in a place of oneness, relaxation and… peace. I was happy. Truly and completely happy.
Liberal whickered. He had awakened from his slumber and was focused intently towards the gateway.
He Who Is Liberal approaches, Infinity told me, pointedly.
Feryl’s appearance was very similar to how it had been when I’d first met him in terms of being well groomed and tidy, but as he walked over to where I stood with Infinity, I noticed that his bearing, like that of his horse’s, had changed. Gone was the jaunty strut that he’d always employed to full effect, he walked with a relaxed confidence and his obvious happiness at the sight of his horse seemed to lighten his step.
He transferred his gaze to Infinity and me, and smiled. ‘It’s good to see you Amarilla, I’d have been here before only Rowena accosted me while I was trying to eat my breakfast. Justin and I have just spent the best part of an hour helping her with Oak and we’re more worn out than she is!’
I laughed. ‘She’s really determined now, isn’t she?’
‘She certainly is. It’s a wonderful thing to be part of. And I have you to thank for that Amarilla. I can’t for the life of me imagine what I was thinking, shutting Liberal out and refusing to listen to him or to anyone else. That old version of me seems so far away now that it doesn’t even seem possible he existed. Can you forgive me for being a stubborn, egotistical idiot?’
‘Don’t be daft, I didn’t
exactly make things easy for you. Liberal looks amazing, doesn’t he?’
‘Wait until you see him in action, although I have to admit to feeling as if I’m letting him down.’
‘Letting him down? What do you mean? Look at him! He’s happy and he looks the picture of health! Feryl, Infinity just called you “He Who Is Liberal”, and that means you’ve reached the potential you saw for yourself when you bonded to him. You’ll be the Master of Riding who goes down in the Histories as the one who reformed the way we ride our horses!’
Feryl rubbed his horse’s neck, slowly and gently. ‘But I don’t push myself as far as I could when I ride, I hold back. It was scary, watching what happened to you and then when I came to see what had happened to Justin and I couldn’t wake him either, I don’t think I’ve ever been so frightened. I don’t want that to happen to me.’
‘It won’t. My potential was to realise the truth about my real nature and about everything that exists. Achieving that coincided with releasing something I’d been holding onto for a long time. It was too much for my body, so I left it for a while and a consequence of that was that I realised I didn’t really need to be here anymore. I got to the same point as Shann. He chose to move on, I chose to stay and we both had our own reasons for doing so. Justin reached the same point I did but he didn’t have to leave his body, he chose to, because he wanted to come after me.
‘The work you’re doing with Liberal will take you as far as you want to go in this lifetime, but you’ve already reached the potential that you saw for yourself, so use it! Use it to help all the other Bonded to help their horses and to reach their own potentials, whatever they are.’
‘How is it, that one so young can be so wise?’ he asked, half teasing me.
‘Infinity, that’s how,’ I said ruefully.
He laughed. ‘You’re well matched. See you later, if you’ll be at the riding session after lunch? I’d love you to see how Liberal’s doing, but don’t worry if you need to rest?’
‘I wouldn’t miss it.’
I didn’t feel physically strong enough to ride and Infinity was more than content to snooze and graze, so I spent the afternoon sitting on the fences of the various riding paddocks, watching while my friends rode their horses and then taught their students.
People kept coming to sit with me, wanting to know what had happened to me and where I’d been, but I found myself reluctant to give details. I wasn’t sure how much they’d believe, however much they wanted to and I felt as though I’d be giving them information that would be better discovered themselves, so I merely said that I’d released my past in the same way Infinity and Spider had and my body had needed a little time to recover.
I felt emotional as I watched my friends ride. They and their horses looked so completely different from when we’d all started. Diligence and Mason drew the eye with their combined size and both looked fit, toned and a lot younger than their years. They were completely absorbed in their work together and I didn’t think it would be at all long before the horses referred to him as “He Who Is Diligence”, if indeed they weren’t calling him that already.
Marvel and Broad, likewise, worked on intently together. Marvel’s main difficulty was in timing his signals accurately, but Broad — unlike Infinity, I noted — was patient and rewarded him with instant responses when he got it right.
Rowena was pushing herself as hard as she could. Oak was beginning to bring his hindquarters underneath himself more and several times I saw her smile when she felt the effect of the enormous power contained within his hind legs. But I was aware that her fear of losing herself in their work together still lingered and held her back. She was still terrified that if she gave all of herself to her work with her horse, her barriers would drop and the side of herself that she kept so carefully hidden would be exposed to all. My heart went out to her. She was so good at caring for and organising other people and she put a strong, forceful impression of herself out to the world, but inside she was still the child who had been rejected and unloved and she would protect that child at all costs.
I knew she’d get to the place of peace and inner strength that she’d seen for herself when she had bonded with Oak, but I wondered whether to send some light her way to give her some extra help. Immediately it felt wrong. No, Oak was working with her and he was everything she needed. They would get there in their own time and in their own way. Everything was as it should be.
With Quinta on board, Spider didn’t look quite the way he did when Adam rode him, but she was getting there slowly and I was excited for her as I knew that the very fact she was now bonded to Spider meant that she had the same potential as Adam, Justin and me. I wondered what she’d do when she got there; whether the pull to follow after Noble would be strong enough for her to release her body and leave, or whether she’d choose to stay. As I remembered how Infinity currently referred to her, I knew instantly which way she would choose.
Feryl and Liberal were something else. They’d made an impressive picture before, but with the increased lift and connection in his body that Liberal was now achieving, they were jaw-dropping to watch. I was interested to see that Feryl, although secure in his seat, didn’t sit down into his pelvis quite as much as I’d learnt to do when riding Infinity, and he didn’t seem to need to lift his chest and be quite so strong in his core as I did, yet Liberal was still achieving a high degree of balance. Liberal didn’t need him to be, I realised; Feryl’s reason for bonding to and riding his horse was different from mine. Everyone was different and had different reasons for bonding with their horses, different things to achieve, each as relevant and important as the next.
Everything slotted into place for me. There really was no need for human beings to need to feel better than each other. No need to feel special. Everything is always as it should be, I broadcasted as loudly as I could to Infinity and to All That Is and I grinned from ear to ear at the sheer daftness that I ever could have believed otherwise.
Justin immediately looked around from where he was sitting upon his horse, smiled at me and nodded. Infinity continued to graze without comment. Justin turned back to what he and Gas had been doing before my broadcast had interrupted them. It was magical. Gas was a force of nature as he lifted in front, stepped right underneath himself with his hind legs and then proceeded to move in absolute balance, without any apparent effort. Each stride was the same as the last in its relaxed power. He was connected from his hind feet all the way to the tips of his ears and no matter what Justin asked of him, he was able to respond with ease. Justin sat tall and strong, there to respond to and support his horse at any time. It was impossible to tell where one began and the other ended; they were consciousness made visible.
I couldn’t resist clapping quietly when Justin brought Gas to a graceful halt in front of me. I couldn’t think of anything to say, but then realised I didn’t need to say anything — this was Justin and Gas, they would know. Justin leapt across to sit beside me, put an arm around my shoulders and hugged me as Gas nuzzled my knee.
Feryl took my place teaching alongside Justin in the two sessions that followed and I was overjoyed to see how well the students in our group were coming along.
‘It’s a lovely thing to watch, isn’t it,’ Salom said as she climbed onto the rail to sit beside me.
‘S’hard to ge’ anythin’ done wi’ all this goin’ on, we don’ wan’ te miss anythin’,’ said Pete as he settled down on her other side.
‘I’m glad you stayed around to see it, this is far more important news to take to the villages than all the stuff that happened before you got back here,’ I said, ‘especially now Feryl’s involved, he’s a better teacher than any of us except Adam, so now things’ll really take off.’
I was aware of Salom’s unease as she perched next to me, swinging her legs. ‘What’s wrong Salom?’
‘I’m not a gossip and I’m not here to cause trouble. Whatever a certain person thinks, that isn’t my role. I just gather
information and give it to whoever wants it,’ she said.
I noticed that she was wearing her bandanna, which was unusual for when she was watching the riding sessions, as she didn’t normally want to be disturbed. ‘Salom, please tell me the latest news around The Gathering,’ I asked her, formally.
She nodded, gratefully. ‘Those who intend to hunt the Woeful will be leaving The Gathering tonight,’ she told me in a low voice.
‘Tonight? They’re leaving in the dark? Why?’
‘They want to leave without drawing any attention to themselves. They know they’re in the minority here now and they don’t want anyone to try to stop them. Their plan is to get across the river at dusk, camp on the other side for the night and then make their way at first light tomorrow morning.’
‘But I thought they were still arguing about weapons? We were hoping we’d be able to attract them to come and work with us and their horses before they reached agreement on how they were going to… you know,’ I said.
‘They reached an agreement to disagree a good few weeks ago. Some of them intend to use their Healing Skills to kill and the Metal-Singers among the rest have produced some sort of crossbow. They’ll be aiming for the eyes,’ she said, and shuddered. ‘They aim to kill as many of the Woeful as they can and to recruit from the villages as they go.’