“Yeah Benji, stop being a dumb fuck,” the youngest repeated.
The man I assumed to be Scott elbowed Nehemiah. “There are ladies present. Apologize.”
I received a half-hearted apology and I smiled. “If you all want dinner a couple nights a week, I’d be happy to bring some stuff and cook for you guys,” I offered.
Ethan shook his head. “These guys just like to complain. They can cook for themselves.”
“Not when we’re being run ragged damn near every night,” Nehemiah corrected. “I’m going for a swim with or without you, boys.”
“I’m in,” Benji said, stripping his shirt in a fluid motion. Unlike all the fit men around him, he rocked a bit of extra weight. I had no doubt that despite it, he could do his job as well as any of them.
They sprinted toward the pond and cannon-balled into it. I scanned the surface and found Derrick quickly. He seemed to enjoy swimming the few feet between Sylvia and Garrett while they had a loud conversation over him. I looked back at Scott. If Ethan claimed he was the boss, I’d listen. “I’d really like to cook you all some meals every week. It’s the least I can do for everything you do for the community,” I told him. It was also the least I could do for the department saving my son—for Ethan saving him.
Scott’s smile was genuine. “That’s very kind of you. If you’d like to do that, I can make you a schedule of when we’ll all be there,” he offered. I nodded vigorously.
“I’d love that.”
While Derrick played in the pond, laughing and splashing, I sat and spoke to the firefighters who were present the night my world went up in flames. For once, I wasn’t distracted by the sadness of Bruce’s memory.
Chapter Four
I inspected Ethan’s house the beginning of that week, though he wasn’t home. I wondered if he’d attempt to be home when I worked. I found myself hoping for that to be the case as I sat at home and brooded over all of our interactions. He’d shown definite interest, but in friendship or more? I knew that I wasn’t ready to feel for another man for quite a while. Was three years long enough to mourn Bruce’s memory?
I doubted it.
I finally brought Derrick to daycare before meeting with Sylvia. It was run from a woman’s home rather than a daycare center. She had all the qualifications and dozens of excellent reviews, so I didn’t hesitate to transition daycares. During the summers when there wasn’t preschool, it was near impossible to find childcare.
I took off in the direction of Sylvia’s home, where she promised a relaxing girl’s day. With all the thoughts running through my mind, and no foreseeable end in sight, that was exactly what I needed. I pulled into the driveway of the grand house and gaped. It was massive. “Jesus,” I whispered. Sylvia slid out the front door and waved. I turned off my car and made my way toward her. “You live here?” I shouted across the lawn.
My house was small and homey. It was adorable on the inside, but half the size of this one. “We do,” she said. She wore white short shorts and a flowing crop top that exposed her bare midriff each time she moved. “Come on, get in here.”
I hurried inside and found the interior as immaculate as the groomed exterior. How could anybody afford this? A grand staircase wound up both sides of the entranceway. I’d only seen homes like this in movies. “Your house is beautiful. I don’t even know if that’s the right word to use. Is there something stronger?”
She grinned and led me into the kitchen. “Garrett wouldn’t settle for a little house, and the rentals and real estate bring in more than enough money.”
I didn’t know how to react as I entered the kitchen full of new appliances and a wooden center island. There was a secondary sink in the center of it. “Have you ever thought about interior designing?” I asked seriously. I slid onto one of the leather barstools.
She shrugged. “It doesn’t really interest me much. I like doing hair.”
A door from down the hallway slid open and slammed closed. Lindsey, with her long purple hair tangled in knots, drug herself into the kitchen and looked between Sylvia and me. Sylvia winced. “Did you just wake up?” she asked.
Lindsey shot daggers at Sylvia and preparing herself a bowl of cereal before hibernating back into her room. She had to have felt our eyes on her, but she didn’t say a word. “What’s her deal?” I asked Sylvia.
She shrugged. “I only know what Lance told me, and it isn’t much. She’s working in Chicago with him on some top-secret military thing. She’s not in the navy, but she’s contracting with them to help, I guess. She’s got to be someone cool if she’s so secretive, though.”
“Is she dating Lance?” I asked.
Sylvia glanced toward the hallway where Lindsey had retreated. “It’s hard to tell. He’s into her, but she doesn’t outwardly show much interest in anything—not even him. It’s impossible to read her. I suppose they’re together if she’s here.”
I glanced toward her room. I had never been so curious about a person. “So, what’s on the agenda for today?” I asked, changing the topic.
She rested her elbows on the counter and her chin on a knuckle. “I say we just hang out, watch movies, order takeout lunch, and talk,” she proposed.
Her idea sounded eerily like my ideal relaxation day, and I nodded. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard such a great idea.”
Sylvia clapped her hands and led me to her living room. I forced myself not to be shocked by the grandiose design and expensive furniture. Their home was like a wet dream for a designer. Even I couldn’t have decorated it so well. Given an unlimited budget, I’d love to know what I could do.
We settled for a few comedy movies and one scary movie, which we stopped after a half hour. Scary movies were a terrible idea while in a large mansion-style house alone. I realized I hadn’t watched a scary movie since before Derrick was born when the first scene had me jumping out of my seat. After that, we ordered takeout Chinese food and sat in the kitchen, picking at the rice and noodles.
“Are you sure you and Ethan aren’t together?” she asked. I nearly spit out my food at the random question.
“I’m positive. I’m just redesigning his house, and we used to be friends way back in our college days.” I considered how different he was now. “He’s not the same guy as he used to be.”
Sylvia looked saddened by my words. “No, he is certainly not. How much do you know about the fire that he was caught in?” she asked.
I didn’t want to get into it or mention that it was me who was saved in the fire. “I know that he got burned, and it was because of a fire.”
Why did the fire have to be such a large part of my life even now? “There’s a lot more,” she said, as if she was spilling secretive gossip. “He saved most of the family and went back in for the last person when the structure collapsed, and he was caught in the flames for five minutes before anyone could get to him.” I knew what was coming next. “He got lucky. Most firemen would have never risked their lives like that, but the guys are close. They all went in and got him out. They tried to save the other man, but he was gone.”
I nodded, blinking back tears. I hoped she’d continue talking while I composed myself. Sylvia turned toward the fridge and grabbed each of us a water bottle. I focused intently on twirling my noodles for a moment. “I had no idea,” I lied.
She nodded. “Yeah, I guess they were all in the kid’s room, so Ethan lapelled the mom and kid through the window, but the roof collapsed and they had to go through the house to get the dad out. That poor family,” she said. She must have realized that it was eerily similar to what I went through, because her eyes widened, and she stuffed her mouth full of rice. If only she knew.
“And that changed him?” I asked.
She shook her head. “It was after the fire that was the worst. He had to go through a dozen surgeries to repair his burns, and the scarring is horrid. I’ve never seen it, but I saw the burns when they happened, and they weren’t fixable. It’s no wonder he’s terrified to go into a fire
now,” she said. Sylvia spoke of it nonchalantly, as if it had been a reality in their family for a long while. I understood the feeling.
“That’s horrible.”
“It was his first loss on the job, so he took it hard. He blamed himself. The scars are a reminder to him, and he won’t show anybody. I think he’s afraid he’ll scare people away,” she said. She put down her chopsticks. “He had a girlfriend at the time, and they were serious. When he healed and she realized he’d never look the same, she left him. Straight told him that he wasn’t worth the trouble. He was too different—too damaged for her.”
My jaw dropped. “She did what?” I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that any woman would do that to a person. He saved a family and got scars by doing so. He was dealing with a damaged body after being a hero and saving lives. “What a bitch.”
Sylvia nodded. “As far as I’m aware, he hasn’t shown anyone his scars since. You noticed he didn’t take off his shirt at the cookout, right?”
“He let me feel them,” I told her. She froze.
“He what?”
“I felt his scars. He told me about them.” She looked at me like I had three heads.
She didn’t realize that the fire that destroyed his body and self-confidence also destroyed my husband and mental health. Ethan and I had more in common than we ever had before, but I wished he didn’t have to experience the pain as deeply as I did. His body was ruined, his girlfriend left, and his confidence shattered. I always thought I wanted a companion in my suffering, but now that I had one, it was the last thing I wanted.
Chapter Five
I didn’t have enough time to process all that I had learned before Scott sent me a text message with the firehouse schedule. They were all on duty for a one hour stretch most nights, so I decided after a long day of relaxing, I’d give back to the firefighters of Brunswick. I bought a heaping load of pasta noodles and ingredients to make alfredo before picking up Derrick from his daycare and driving straight to the fire station.
Ethan stood in the doorway as I approached. Derrick carried one of my bags while I carried the other two. Ethan ran toward us and grabbed my bags before winking at Derrick. “We don’t want mommy to ever carry anything,” he told my son.
Derrick nodded in agreement, excited to follow Ethan’s lead into the firehouse. “Thank you,” I said from behind him. Still holding the bags, Ethan went out of his way to pull the door open for me. It brought an immediate smile to my face.
He and Derrick finally entered after me and led me down a hallway and into a break room. Ethan walked slowly and allowed Derrick to follow alongside him. Derrick stood no taller than Ethan’s mid-thigh, and Ethan matched Derrick’s small steps. Derrick looked up to Ethan, mimicking even the way Ethan held his arm around the bags.
Once we reached the breakroom, they placed the bags against the counter. “What can I help with?” Ethan asked.
“I will help, too,” Derrick promised. I wondered if Ethan noticed that he had gained a shadow.
Ethan glanced down at Derrick. “You know, little man, Garrett is in there with the fire truck if you want to go say hi,” he said, gesturing toward the hallway that led into the garage part of the building.
Derrick’s eyes got wide. “There’s a whole fire truck here?”
I shooed them both away. “Go have fun. I’ll bring out the pot when it’s done.” Ethan hesitated to leave me alone, but Derrick had no qualms about pulling him away. I smiled at the boys rushing out of the room as I cooked a meal that would feed everyone. It felt great doing something to help.
An hour later, I had Ethan and Benji pull a table and chairs into the corner of the room for the meal. Ethan proceeded to carry the pot and all the bowls into the main firehouse, leaving me to carry only the plasticware, which my chivalrous five-year old proceeded to take from my hands and carry the last five feet to the table. I acted like I didn’t notice the discreet high five Ethan gave to Derrick.
All the men sat and began dishing out their portions while I waited my turn, standing a few feet from the table. I felt a hand on my back and looked to the side. “You don’t have to stand. Take a seat,” Ethan said, guiding me toward my chair. He pulled it out for me and waited until I sat down to push it closer to the table.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
Surrounded by shouting men and the stench of gasoline, I was surprised to feel so tender toward Ethan. Every day I was around him, I missed his company more. I missed his friendship. Ethan smacked Benji’s hand away from the serving spoon and dished a heaping helping of alfredo before setting it in front of me. I smiled up at him as he proceeded to get a half portion for Derrick and a bowl for himself.
Ethan sat to my right and waited for me to take the first bite before he took his. Derrick insisted on sitting beside Garrett, who snuck noodles from his bowl each time he looked away. Derrick noticed occasionally and shielded his bowl with his hand for a few seconds before getting distracted again.
Then the siren went off.
All five men jumped to their feet quickly and without hesitation. Scott rushed to a screen on the wall and shouted out an address. “House fire. Ethan, you run shop. Benji in the front.”
I’d never seen people get into their uniforms so quickly. For the first time, Nehemiah didn’t look like a young adult fresh out of high school. His face was set in determination. Nobody was nagging Benji the way everyone often did. The mood of the place flipped. In less than a minute, everyone was suited up and loaded into the truck, which raced out of the station. Ethan watched after it until it was out of view. “Why did you stay behind?” I asked, clearing all the half full bowls. Benji’s was the only empty one.
He walked back toward the table. “They need someone to watch the shop while they’re gone. If we get another call, I need to direct them.”
I nodded. We worked together to get everything cleaned up, and I left the remainder of the pasta on the back of the stove for when everyone got back. “Why you?” I asked.
I wondered briefly if it was because of his fear of fires that Sylvia mentioned. But if he was afraid of fires, why would they allow him to continue his role as a fireman? “It’s my turn. Everyone takes turns on tasks.”
I kept my mouth shut as we finished cleaning. Derrick entertained himself with the TV in the break room. It was still early enough that the shows hadn’t transitioned to adult content yet, so I kept an eye on the time and made my way back into the shop with Ethan. We each lifted a corner of the table and leaned it against the wall, stacking the chairs in front of it neatly.
“It’s really nice what you’re doing here,” Ethan said, tucking his hands into his oversized pockets.
Did I want to be bold? Did I want to simply thank him for his compliment and go home? “It gives me an excuse to get to know you again.” Bold it was.
He looked slightly taken aback. “So that’s the goal? Get to know me, and then what?” he asked.
I shrugged. “I haven’t thought that far ahead.”
He nodded and took a step closer, hands still tucked into his pockets. The scent of him blanketed my senses. He had never made me feel anything but safe and comfortable. Whatever soap he used clung to his skin and wafted off him. “Maybe you should,” he proposed.
He took a step closer. We were face-to-face, and I didn’t know what to say back to him. His presence was overwhelming, and he looked at me like I meant something to him. His brown eyes bore into mine with an intensity that I hadn’t experienced since Bruce. A strand of his black hair fell over his forehead, and I clutched the hem of my shirt to keep from pushing it away from his face. It was hard not to imagine what we could have been had I stayed in Brunswick.
I physically reacted to him in a way I never had with anyone else. It hurt my heart to admit that he’d always been able to easily affect my feelings. “I should what?” I finally asked.
He didn’t miss a beat. “Go on a date with me.”
The only thing running through my
mind was Bruce.
“I can’t do that,” I told him. He looked confused, but I didn’t elaborate. It was too soon to look at another man the way I used to admire Bruce.
“You don’t feel anything for me? Your feelings went away that easily?” he asked.
“Of course, I feel for you,” I said, flinging my arms to my sides and exposing myself. “I’ve never stopped feeling for you, but it’s not healthy to put two damaged people together. I can’t be with someone who is just as damaged as I am. It feels too soon to be with any person, especially the one I almost gave up everything for.”
His entire expression dropped. “Damaged,” he repeated. “That’s how you see me?”
I sighed. “I see the man I loved all those years ago, but with a lot more weighing him down. I see you struggling to stand up straight because of all the weight on your shoulders. I see you hiding your scars from the entire world, afraid that you’ll scare people away.” I looked him deep in the eyes and closed the distance between us, grabbing the front of his shirt. “I see you. And I see myself, too. Putting together our pain will hurt both of us more than help either of us.”
He shook his head and wrapped his arm around my back, caging me into his chest. “I can prove that you’re wrong.”
“But you can’t. Maybe when we both heal…”
He shook his head. “I waited last time, and you came back married to another man. I’m not going wait again, especially not when I finally have you back.”
I moved my hands up his chest and tangled my fingers in the fabric there. I rested my forehead on his chest as he held me in his arms. “It’s not right.”
“It is right. It’s always been right,” he said.
I looked up at him—at the vulnerable, wide-open expression—and didn’t have the heart to turn him down again. Ethan was never anything but a great friend and wonderful man. I missed him. He stood in the fire station and held me. I wondered if he would eventually reach forward and kiss me, but he never did. Ethan was more than I deserved. I felt warm and loved.
Hearts Ablaze (Courageous Hearts Series Book 2) Page 3