Was that what he was doing all along? Thinking of her as Beth? Way to go, genius, her voice rang out in his head. There’s that diplomacy I loved so much.
“Beth?” Jenna whispered. “Who is Beth?”
“Never mind.” He fixed his mouth in a firm line, lips pressed tight together like he was afraid something would slip out if he wasn’t careful. What was he thinking, calling her Beth? How screwed up was it that he’d made a mistake like that?
The fact was, she’d reminded him of Beth from the very beginning. That sharp intelligence, the wit, the way she refused to let him get away with anything, always challenging him.
This was exactly the sort of fight he and Beth would’ve gotten into, but there was no way of explaining that to Jenna and making her understand. She would think he was only making things up to explain herself.
At least their travel would only extend as far south as Virginia. If he could manage to drive long stretches of time, they could be back in much less than a week. Then this would be over, and he could send Jenna to stay with her father and reunite with his team.
Then, he could go about the business of getting Jenna out of his system. She was too dangerous to him.
Chapter Sixteen
“Do you want anything from inside?” It was the first thing Logan had said to her since that awkward moment where he referred to her by the wrong name. She still couldn’t make any sense of that.
“I can always get something when it’s my turn to go in—I don’t know what they have, you know?” She looked out the windshield, taking in the sight of the rest stop. It looked like there were a few fast-food restaurants inside, and she was definitely hungry, but that didn’t mean she’d shove just anything into her mouth for the sake of eating.
He took it as an insult. It was so obvious. His shoulders lifted up around his ears, and his brows drew low over his eyes. “Fine.” He didn’t even bother to pretend he didn’t mean to slam the door, striding away from the truck with a quick, clipped stride. His hands were clenched in fists, swinging back and forth.
Was that supposed to intimidate her? She snickered, shaking her head. He had no idea how ridiculous he looked.
Even so, she couldn’t ignore the way her heart sank. This wasn’t the way things were supposed to go.
What was his problem? All right, she understood his feelings about her father—in fact, she understood a lot better than he might have imagined. If she wasn’t so busy being angry with him, she might’ve explained it.
But that would mean admitting he had a point, and she wasn’t ready to do that yet. Eventually, maybe, but not yet.
“You think it was easy for me?” she asked the inside of the truck, wishing she had the guts to say it to him. “I had months to get used to the idea of taking care of him. There was no choice but to forgive him, at least on the surface, when he first rescued me from the lab. I needed him, depended on him, and he was still my dad.”
She looked down at her chipped nails, once again wondering when the last time she’d thought to take care of herself was. She couldn’t remember. There had been a time in the old days before everything got so complicated when she hadn’t gone more than two weeks without a manicure and pedicure. And then there was tanning too and getting her hair done on the regular.
The old days. The time she had looked back on so frequently, flipping through memories the way she would flip through a beloved photo album only the photos were in her mind, memories of friends and boyfriends. Dating. Fun.
And utter, unshakable faith in her parents—her dad, especially, when she’d watched him pull himself together in the wake of her mother’s passing.
“Did you ever have to come to terms with your hero being a villain?” she whispered, her voice thick with unshed tears. No way was she about to let him see she’d been crying when he came back to the truck. She fought as hard as she could.
If only she had somebody to talk to about all of this. A friend. Something as simple as that. There were so many questions, so much conflict brewing in her head. And there was nobody to talk to about it, no one to ask advice from.
Maybe there was, though.
She looked down at the phone she’d left in the cup holder, the one he’d given her. Everybody’s phone numbers were programmed inside, weren’t they? She glanced out the windshield toward the building. If he was getting something to eat, he would be a while—there were so many cars, so many people coming in and out. It was probably chaos in there.
She scrolled through the list of names and numbers, finally deciding on somebody who might know him best, who probably had the emotional intelligence to see through him. “Val?” She asked once Val answered. “It’s Jenna.”
“What happened? What do I have to do?”
Jenna gasped. “No, no! No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out. Everything’s okay—as okay as it can be, anyway.”
“What happened?” Val asked in a much softer voice. “Is he being a dick?”
The question took her by surprise, pulling a laugh from her chest. It felt good to laugh, almost like a release valve letting off some of the pressure. “Yeah, actually. Listen, it’s not like I don’t understand this conflict over my dad, but he didn’t have to come out and be a jerk about it.”
Val sighed heavily. “It’s a touchy subject. I think everybody’s conflicted right now, but they’re professionals. They would never let that get in the way. I hope you know that.”
“I do,” Jenna whispered, picking at her nails while watching out the windshield. What would he think if he found her on the phone? “I trust all of you. I really do.”
“Thank you for that.”
“Hey, can I ask you something? I’m sure you’re busy, and I don’t want to take time away from your work.”
“No, go ahead. What do you need?”
“Do you know anything about him? Personally, I mean? You guys have worked together for a while, so I figured you might know.”
“None of these guys is exactly an open book if you know what I mean. They don’t like to talk about feelings, relationships, all that stuff. How any of them managed to settle down with their mates is beyond me with all of them being emotionally stunted the way they are.”
Jenna snickered. “Yeah, I see what you mean. Anyway, he called me by another name earlier when we were fighting. It was so weird.”
Val was quiet for a while. Jenna had the feeling she’d just stumbled on a landmine. “Is it a touchy subject?” she whispered.
“Not for me as much as it is for him, I assume. But it’s definitely the sort of thing nobody mentions. In fact, I only heard about it secondhand—Hawk found information on him and Beth.”
She hadn’t told Val the name he called her. It had to be a real person. “Let me guess. Newspaper articles?”
“One in particular. Beth Kramer was Logan’s high school girlfriend. They were going to be married right after graduation before he had his induction ceremony. It’s funny. I only read the article once, but the details have stayed with me all this time.”
The fact that there was a newspaper article about this Beth person didn’t bode well for her. “What happened?”
“An accident. In a car. Tragic, really—as it turned out, the seatbelt in the car was defective. That model was recalled not long after, actually, after it failed Beth. She was thrown from the car.” Val drew a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Logan was driving.”
Jenna’s head hit the headrest, her body going limp. “Oh, God. That’s awful.”
“It was two weeks before graduation, too. They were coming back from a graduation party for one of their friends. He wasn’t drinking. There were no drugs involved. It was just a dark road, a sharp curve, and that was it. He rolled the car. She flew out. “
Jenna bit hard on her lip, willing the tears away. It was one thing for him to see her crying but another thing if he found out she was crying over him. “And they were going to be married right after graduation.”
“Right. There was a picture in the article of her in the dress they bought for the wedding, standing next to her mom at the bridal shop. A picture of her and Logan together. They were so sweet-looking. Really, it’s heartbreaking. He never talks about it, and I don’t think anybody would have the nerve to bring it up. I guess you could call it an open secret: everybody knows, but nobody is willing to talk about it.”
“I won’t say anything,” Jenna vowed. “I wouldn’t want to get you in trouble.”
“Are you sure that’s the only reason you wouldn’t say something?” Val asked. “It’s okay to say you wouldn’t want to hurt him. I wouldn’t think any less of you if you did.”
“Of course. I’m mad at him, but I don’t want to hurt him.”
“That’s important. There’s a lot of petty people in the world who would take this and use it to rub salt in the wound.” Yes, Jenna supposed she was right. There were petty people in the world.
“Shoot, he’s coming. I have to go. Thank you for talking with me.” She was quick to end the call, erasing evidence of it before leaving the phone in the cupholder. She looked out the window, whistling to herself, her heart in her throat.
What kind of guilt did he carry around inside himself? How many years had he suffered with it? At least a decade, she guessed—she didn’t know his exact age, guessing it was somewhere near hers.
And while she didn’t know him well yet, she understood certain things about him without having to be told like the sense of responsibility he felt toward other people. Everything was his problem to solve; everybody was his to protect.
After all, he’d gone through hell and had his very DNA rearranged, but what had he done? Instead of letting it turn him against the world, becoming a bitter person, he had chosen to help others. He could’ve become a recluse, living in that cabin of his, and he would’ve had every right to. After all, he was a hunted man.
He had done the exact opposite. How much strength must it have taken? How much goodness?
He opened the door, climbing into the truck and settling into the seat with a disgusted sigh. “It’s a madhouse in there,” he announced. “Brace yourself.”
“Thanks.” She now wished she’d gone in with him, but it made more sense for somebody to be with the truck at all times. Just in case there was anybody watching, following them around, maybe even putting a tracking device on the vehicle.
He waited a second before turning to her. “Are you going?”
“Oh, yeah.” Her legs were a little shaky as she climbed out of the truck. She felt disoriented, stuck halfway between the present and the past Val had described. Somehow, she managed to begin to walk away from the truck—only to jump, squealing in surprise at the blaring of the horn.
Logan was glaring at her from behind the wheel, holding up the phone. Right. She should take it inside with her just in case she needed to call him. Granted, it seemed silly to take those sorts of precautions, but then again, look what happened to her father. He’d gone into the restroom to pee or something and had ended up with a needle in his arm, foaming at the mouth.
She reached in, taking the phone from Logan’s hand. “Thanks again.”
He pulled his head back, smirking. “What’s with all thankfulness all of a sudden? I thought I wouldn’t get anything more than an eye roll and maybe your middle finger.”
It wouldn’t do any good for him to know she had softened a little bit. He might wonder why, and now that she knew about Beth, she guessed he was angry with himself and maybe even angry with her for being the reason he’d slipped up.
She put on the carefree persona she’d worn when they first met, which wasn’t exactly fake but wasn’t exactly real, either. “Maybe I’m trying to turn over a new leaf,” she retorted with a shrug, closing the door between them and sashaying across the parking lot. Just a girl without a care in the world.
So what if she was crumbling inside? So what if she wanted nothing more than to find the last stall before crumpling up in a ball and crying?
Who would she be crying for? She wasn’t sure. God knew she had enough people to choose from.
Chapter Seventeen
By the time they reached Virginia, it was late morning. Logan had never been so glad to reach a destination, not even when he’d finally made it to the family cabin in the woods with the rest of the team. Back then, his only concern had been protecting his life and the lives of his team members.
Now? Now, he had to share a truck with a woman who insisted on pushing his every button. He could barely breathe, even with the windows rolled down. There was no amount of fresh air that could help him, nothing that could ease the bitterness.
The worst part was, he wasn’t bitter toward her. He had his wits about him enough to know none of this was her fault. She hadn’t forced him to think of Beth. She hadn’t forced him to make an idiot out of himself by calling her the wrong name.
He knew it wasn’t that big of an issue. It didn’t really matter that he’d slipped up. She hadn’t pursued the topic. She might even have forgotten about it—how many times did people use the wrong name when talking to somebody? It probably happened all the time.
The problem was with him, with the resentment he felt toward himself for getting to that point, for letting memories of Beth get mixed up with the present. He’d been so careful to keep that part of his life away from the rest of it, hadn’t he? He’d never spoken of her to anybody on the team.
Though he wasn’t an idiot. They probably knew about her—the accident was all over the papers when it happened, and he couldn’t expect Hawk and Val not to do a little digging around. It would be worse than naïve of him to dismiss the notion, like being shocked if a woman who’d cheated on her partner to be with him later cheated on him.
Digging was their nature. It was their gift. It was why he’d hired them.
Still, there’d never been mention of it, of her. He guessed that spoke to the character of every member of his team. They weren’t gossip hounds; they didn’t stand around the proverbial water cooler to compare notes on each other. He wouldn’t have kept them on, any of them, if they were.
This was not the time for thoughts of Beth to resurface because with them would come the guilt, the pain—the sort of pain that stole a man’s focus, that left him vulnerable to attack.
“You want to stop off anywhere first?” he asked. He hadn’t spoken much since their visit to the rest stop. There wasn’t much to be said. His mouth had already gotten him into enough trouble.
“No, I’m okay. You want to go right to the house?” She was quieter now. More subdued. Why? Did she know something?
Was he becoming a paranoid space-case?
“I’d like to pass by a few times, get a feel for the lay of the land.” He glanced her way. “That okay?”
“Sure. I’ve always been curious.”
“Curious about what?”
“About the lives of the people behind this. Haven’t you been curious?”
Curious? Not a day went by that he didn’t think about them. “Sure. I guess so.”
Jenna looked over the list of names and addresses. “Jack Douglas. He worked with Lydia in the Philadelphia office before being transferred to Virginia.”
“I do wish we could’ve gotten a little information from her,” Logan admitted, one eye on the GPS the deeper they drove into thick, dense wood sitting between them and the development in which the Douglas family lived. “Though it wasn’t like Aimee had much of a choice. It was either her mother or Zane.”
Jenna shivered. “What a terrible position to be put in. I can’t imagine how she managed it.”
“Situations like that tend to crystallize a person’s loyalties. When you have to make a split-second decision between one person and another, your gut instinct generally makes the right decision for you. I know it couldn’t have been easy for her—she’s hardly had any time to get over it either. If anything, the situation we’re in now is a blessing.”
She scoffe
d. “A blessing, huh?”
“You sound skeptical.”
“That’s a nice word for it. I could think of a few more.”
“It gives her something else to focus on. Maybe it’s not the healthiest way of coping, but it’s sort of like that whenever a family member dies, isn’t it? While I’m sure the strain of planning a funeral and getting the word out only compounds the pain, at least it’s something to do, something to keep the mind occupied.”
Why had he said it? There he was, going right back to his past. It was like he was determined to dredge up the memories, memories of walking through life in a daze, of seeing his new suit hanging on the back of the closet door, having no reason to wear it since there was no longer anyone to marry.
He hadn’t worn it to the funeral. He couldn’t bear it.
“That’s how it was when my mom died,” Jenna murmured, looking down at her hands.
He hadn’t expected her to open up so suddenly, and once again, he regretted having followed this train of thought. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to dredge up bad memories.”
“It’s all right. It’s just that I remember my dad trying to get through the first week after. We knew she was dying, even if we didn’t have much warning.”
“Can I ask…”
“Cancer. By the time they found it, it had already spread from her breast to the lymph nodes, her liver, her stomach. It took less than a month from start to finish.”
“Jesus. I’m sorry.”
“To be honest with you, it was a blessing it happened so quickly. The thing is before she was diagnosed, you would never know there was anything wrong with her. She found the lump one day and went to the doctor—she told dad and me so many times that he had nothing to worry about, that she would know if she had cancer. I mean, her appetite was good; her energy was terrific as always. She was in the middle of planning a Fourth of July party we were going to throw at the vacation house. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. So she didn’t suffer for long. And even that was too long if you ask me.”
Wolf Shield Investigations: Boxset Page 109