One Small Step

by MA Binfield

  “That’s also tough.”

  “Yeah, tougher for my sister than me. I’m semi-respectable these days. Fiancé, office job, even living in London gives her something to boast about. My sister, on the other hand, won’t knuckle down. She works on and off at shitty jobs while she prioritizes her writing, she has casual relationships with no one my mother has ever approved of, and she lives close enough to feel the pressure of putting herself through regular visits where my mom can make it clear just how disappointed she is with her choices.” Again, Cam found herself able to easily talk about personal things to Iris. It felt good.

  “Do you have a good relationship with your mom?” Cam asked.

  Iris tensed slightly. A tiny muscle in her jaw twitched.

  “Not really. I haven’t seen her since I was five. She walked out.”

  “Jeez, sorry, Iris. What an idiot. Sorry.”

  “Don’t be. It was a long time ago. And how could you have known? I have a great relationship with my dad. He brought me up on his own. It was just the two of us, and I had a great time having all of his attention for myself. I never felt like I missed out on much. I guess I must have, but it never felt that way. And he was way more relaxed than your mom sounds. He encouraged me—encourages me—to do what I enjoy regardless of what others might think. He taught me how to play football as a kid. He loves that I write poetry; he thinks it’s soulful. He even taught me the best way to cope with menstrual cramps.” Iris raised an eyebrow.

  “And he didn’t bat an eyelid when I came out as gay at seventeen.”

  “At seventeen? That’s amazing. I don’t think I knew anything about anything at seventeen.”

  Iris ran her hands through her hair. The dampness had made it even more unruly than normal. It looked cute.

  “Oh, I knew about that, but probably not much else. At seventeen, I’d already had my heart broken.” Iris placed a hand over her heart and pouted comically.

  “Spill the heartbreaking details,” Cam said.

  “Her name was Rachel. We met working in a youth club. She was eighteen and taking a year out before uni. I was seventeen and still at school. She was so cool, a hundred times cooler than me, and I fell for her hard. We were inseparable for two months, and then, as I always knew would happen, she went away to study in Edinburgh, while I stayed at school in London. She was my first, but I couldn’t believe we weren’t going to be forever and I cried for about a week after she left, played nothing but sad songs. My dad…he knew I think. He helped me to tell him what had happened. How I felt. He was so great, didn’t once try to tell me it was a phase. Even took me to the gay pride parade in London the next summer. A top bloke.”

  “He sounds wonderful.”

  “He is. Dad of the Year every year in my book. He even took me camping in the middle of nowhere when I was suffering after I split from my last long-term girlfriend. He took my phone away so I wasn’t tempted to make contact with her. He knew the break was just what I needed, even when I didn’t.”

  “Sounds like she really broke your heart.”

  Iris nodded. “Not that I didn’t play my own part in it.” Iris spoke so quietly that Cam could barely hear her.

  Iris sat up in her seat, sweeping her arm out in front of her. “So, what do you think of the view of my city? Not a cloud in the sky. Almost like I planned it that way.”

  The modern shiny office towers that made up the Canary Wharf complex were clearly visible on the left of the vista.

  “Ryan works somewhere close to that building,” Cam pointed to a torpedo-shaped building in the middle distance, “I know they call it the gherkin, but it looks nothing like a sandwich pickle to me.”

  “If you look really closely, behind that fairly hideous tower block, you can just about make out the London Eye.” Iris pointed at something dead center in the view.

  “I don’t think any of it’s hideous. It all looks beautiful to me.” She pushed her toe against Iris’s foot. “Hey, thanks for bringing me up here.”

  “My pleasure.”

  Cam felt more disappointment than she had a right to when Iris stood up.

  “Not sure if you’ve clocked it yet, but we still have to run home. You can’t get an Uber from up here, not yet anyway.” She bent down and touched her toes.

  Cam wanted to stay sitting, wanted a few more minutes of the view and the companionship.

  “Do you have plans after this? Ryan has to have lunch with some guy from work and then he’s going to Frankfurt. Maybe we could do something?” Cam’s plan had been to ask Iris to meet her for lunch at the new café as Ryan had suggested when he was trying to palm her off on someone for the day. But now she felt silly, like she was being too eager, too needy.

  “I have plans for lunch myself. Sorry. I thought we were just running or I’d have kept the time free. I’m seeing my dad. We try to have a Sunday roast together as often as we can.”

  Cam was stupidly relieved that Iris wasn’t meeting a woman, not really understanding why.

  “We could stop for a coffee on the way back though. I’ll even get you a muffin if you promise not to tell Megan I’m feeding you carbs.”

  “Sounds great. Blueberry. Or pecan pie. Or maybe both. I’ll need them after this.” Cam patted her stomach happily.

  “And if we’ve got time, we can talk about the book you chose for next week’s book club so I can get my observations in early. Five hundred pages and translated from French. I’m no psychic, Cam, but I’m guessing you’re not going to be popular with the other girls with that choice.”

  Cam couldn’t think of a better way to spend an hour on a Sunday. Her mood lifted, and she and Iris set off down the opposite side of the hill and onto the circular path that would wind them back toward their starting point.

  Chapter Six

  Megan stood with the team sheet in her hand in the center of the changing room. The players sitting on the benches running around the edge of the room had stopped chatting as she ran through the team for the match they were about to play.

  “Iris. You’re staying in the center of midfield. Diane, you’re on the bench this week. I’m giving Priti a run out. Sorry, but you know how it goes. Cam, you play on the left wing again. Watch their right back. You don’t know her, but she’ll try to intimidate you early on with a few strong tackles. Don’t let her get close to you. Everyone else, same positions as last time, but a better result would be nice.” Megan looked around the group with a determined look on her face.

  “C’mon, Cottoms, let’s get out there and win this one,” Vicki’s voice boomed out across the room.

  Iris ran up and down on the spot, willing her muscles to stay loose, her boots clattering noisily on the tiled floor. She was relieved that Megan had switched things up so she and Cam could play together. Though fairly confident in her own ability, she’d been a little worried that Cam’s obvious good form during her absence would see her lose her place.

  As Iris got ready to follow her teammates out onto the pitch, Megan took her to one side, her expression even more serious than usual.

  “I’ve got the team sheet for the other side.” Megan rubbed her forehead. “Amanda’s playing for them.”

  Iris shook her head slightly, unsure she had heard properly.

  “I asked the manager, and Amanda joined them last month apparently. Are you going to be okay? I mean, I really want to you to play, but if you feel you can’t, I can switch you out for Diane.” The question sat between them. Iris realized how stupid this was.

  “No way. Thanks though, but I’m fine. I was bound to run into her like this sooner or later. It’s okay. Water under the bridge and all that.” Iris headed toward the door, then turned back to Megan.

  “Gina?” Iris held her breath and felt a wave of relief in her body as Megan shook her head.

  “Not even on the bench.”

  Iris nodded and held the door open for Megan, and they walked to the pitch. It was freezing today. She could already see her breath, feeling the
cold air hit her lungs. They jogged slightly to catch up with the others and Megan leaned in slightly.

  “You never know, you might even enjoy putting a couple past her.” She raised her eyebrows at Iris, a challenge in her eyes. Ever the motivator, Iris thought wryly.

  Iris’s legs felt steady. She was going to be fine. It was all water under the bridge. A lot of water, a rickety bridge, but it would be fine. Ahead of her, she could see Jess walking with Diane, who was dressed as if for an Arctic expedition in what looked like layers of polar survival gear. She didn’t blame her. The life of a substitute was a tough one in this weather. Jess had an arm slung around Diane’s shoulders, and Iris hoped she was giving her some encouraging words about being dropped to the bench rather than bitching about Megan’s team selection. You never knew with Jess.

  The atmosphere was always more subdued on a match day, the pre-match nerves meaning that there was none of the banter present during training sessions. The walk from the changing rooms to the pitch they had been allocated took them past four other pitches.

  They passed goalkeepers saving practice shots from teammates and dodged the occasional wayward ball fired in their direction. All the other pitches contained men’s teams, as was usually the case. As they neared their allocated pitch, Iris was close enough to recognize Maxine, Cottoms’ goalkeeper, warming up with Hazel in the goal closest to her. Hazel was taking practice shots, forcing Maxine to dive first to her left and then to her right. She scrambled back to her feet after each dive, her tracksuit bottoms already covered in mud. Iris was glad Amanda and her team were warming up at the far end of the pitch. If she had been closer, Iris would have felt obliged to say hello. It would probably have been awkward, and she really didn’t want her mind distracted ahead of the game.

  Reaching the pitch, Iris was happy to see Cam waiting for her a few yards away, looking cute in the royal blue of the team’s colors. Megan gathered the players together. The team they were due to play was likewise huddled in their own half, and Iris could make out Amanda in the middle of the group in a bright orange goalkeeping jersey. She had her back to Iris. It was hard not to seek her out. They hadn’t seen each other in months. The last time being an awkward, and very brief, bumping into each other at that summer’s Pride march. Iris had been with Hazel—Casey hated to march—and Amanda had been with a group of friends. They had simply exchanged a few awkward words of greeting and moved on, but the memory was not a good one.

  The ref and linesmen were already in position, and Iris felt the tension in her belly that she always felt just before a game. It was usually a welcome feeling, but she knew that this time Amanda’s presence on the opposing team was adding to it.

  “Let’s see if we can get a round of drinks out of Megan by winning this one.” Cam nudged Iris.

  “Yeah. My ex is in goal for the other side so if you could put a couple of goals past her, that would also be kind of satisfying.” Iris wasn’t sure what had made her tell Cam that. Cam scanned their opponents looking for the goalkeeper, and her brow furrowed slightly. Iris had the feeling it had been the wrong thing to say, but Cam just bumped her shoulder.

  “I’ll definitely try, but there’s absolutely nothing stopping you from doing the same.” Cam headed off to take her position ready for kickoff.

  * * *

  They were almost thirty minutes into the game and up 1-0. Cam ran up the left hand side of the pitch with the ball at her feet. She had good speed, but more than that, she seemed in complete control of the ball, never letting it get too far away from her feet as she dribbled. Cam’s head was slightly bowed as she concentrated on keeping possession, but she lifted it occasionally, looking for a teammate to make a run into space that she could pass the ball into. Iris was hanging back slightly, ready for the give-and-go from Cam. Iris could see that Cam was now level with the penalty area and closing on the right back who had come across to cover Cam’s run. The right back, a fearsome woman oddly named Mabel, covered the distance between the edge of the penalty area and Cam with surprising speed. Iris could see the defender wasn’t going to stop, and her shout to Cam to release the ball or get out of the way was truncated as the crunch of Mabel’s tackle and Cam’s cry of pain rendered the warning shout pointless.

  Iris and Jess were the first to her side. Jess pushed Mabel in the chest.

  “You didn’t even try to play the ball. What the fuck is wrong with you, you fucking psycho.” Jess was shouting as players from both sides tried to pull them apart.

  Iris’s priority wasn’t Mabel but Cam, who was rolling around on the ground, hands covering her face and making all sorts of noises that illustrated just how much pain she was in. Iris gently pulled Cam’s hands away from her face. She was a not-very-reassuring shade of gray.

  “Show me where it hurts,” Iris said gently. “Is it bad?”

  Cam nodded and reached down to her right ankle. Iris could already see that it was swollen—badly swollen. She said a silent prayer for nothing to be broken and gingerly prodded the anklebone. Cam yelped at Iris’s touch.

  “I’m sorry, but I’m going to try to move it. It’ll hurt, but we need to see if you need an ambulance.” Cam looked at Iris. The intensity of the stare made Iris feel a little disconcerted. Cam nodded.

  “My left leg’s fine though, so hurt me too much and I’ll kick you with it.” Cam grimaced but still managed a joke.

  Iris grinned back at her, relieved and impressed at the same time. She took the ankle’s weight with one hand and carefully and gently rotated Cam’s foot with the other, moving it slowly in wide circles. Cam winced, the pain seemingly linked to every rotation, though Cam was nodding at the same time. A good sign. Iris caught a flash of orange. It was the orange of Amanda’s shirt. Iris hadn’t been aware of her leaning over the two of them. Iris glanced up at her, and their eyes locked for a moment before Amanda touched Cam on the knee.

  “I hope you’re okay. I’m really sorry about that.”

  Iris watched her trudge back toward the goal at the other end of the pitch and brought her attention back to Cam who was studying her curiously. Iris jumped slightly as a red bucket dropped to the ground next to them. Megan had set it down and was now crouched next to Cam.

  “I’m going to report that tackle to the football association.” She fished a sponge out of the bucket and wrung it out so that icy cold water poured onto Cam’s ankle. Having passed a first aid course some years before, Megan was the closest thing they had to a team physio. She took over examining Cam’s foot.

  “That’s not the first time she’s tried to hurt another player. The ref sent her off, and I suspect Jess will slash her car tires later if she doesn’t have the good sense to leave before the end of the match.”

  Iris shook her head. “She’d better be out of here before we get finished.”

  Megan gave her an arched eyebrow of disapproval. Iris felt silly. Megan was right; this was a time for cool heads not retaliation. Megan liberally sprayed Cam’s ankle with a can of Deep Freeze.

  “Can you get up if we help you?” Megan asked. Cam nodded unconvincingly, still looking as gray as the winter sky.

  “It’s badly swollen and the bruises will be impressive but probably nothing more serious than that.” Megan sounded reassuring, to Iris at least.

  Megan grabbed the red bucket with one hand and took one of Cam’s arms with the other. Iris took the other arm and encouraged Cam to lean on her as she very gingerly got to her feet. She tried to walk but clearly couldn’t put any real weight on her right foot.

  “I guess I’ll just sit out the rest of the game. Give someone else a chance to shine.” Cam winced again as she tried to put her foot down. “But at least the bruises will give me something to show Graham the next time he says that women don’t take the game as seriously as the men.”

  Iris’s regard for Cam continued to climb. Leaning on Iris and Megan, Cam slowly hopped to the touchline. Diane had been hoping for the chance to play but obviously hadn’t expected it to c
ome so soon. She peeled off her layers of clothes and quickly began to warm up. Iris grabbed one of Diane’s coats for Cam to sit on and covered her with the rest of the clothing.

  “Try not to get hit with the ball while you’re sitting there and we’ll try not to throw away this lead without you.” Iris placed a hand on Cam’s shoulder.

  “Thanks.” Cam gazed back at her.

  Iris jogged back to her position on the field, trying to concentrate on the remainder of the game and to stop worrying about Cam. Jess passed by on her way to take the free kick that the referee had awarded for Mabel’s foul.

  “I’m not sure we’d all have gotten that much sympathy from you, Iris. Still trying to impress the new girl I guess.”

  There was definitely something edgy underneath Jess’s comment, and Iris was already annoyed enough by the tackle to react. She wheeled around ready to tell Jess to screw herself, but Jess had moved quickly out of range and Megan was close enough to hiss a quick “Ignore her and get in the box” at Iris. Iris did as she was told, determined not to get involved in any more drama and even more determined to make the other team pay for hurting Cam by winning this match.

  At the touchline, three of the spectators gathered around Cam and helped her awkwardly get up off the ground, supporting her to hop off in the direction of the changing rooms. Iris was happy to see Cam get out of the cold but inexplicably jealous that they were the ones caring for her while she had to play the remainder of the game.

  Before she could ponder it further, the ref blew her whistle, and Jess floated a lovely ball into the box. Iris used her height to climb above the defender at the far post and head the ball in the direction of the goal. She had just enough pace on the header to force the ball past Amanda’s outstretched hands and into the far corner of the net. The whooping that greeted the goal came not just from her own teammates but from the little band of spectators that were carrying Cam. They were still close enough to have seen the goal go in, and Iris led her teammates to the side of the pitch to celebrate with Cam. The broad smile and high five Iris received from Cam when they got there was all the reward she needed for the goal, and she skipped back to the center circle for the restart feeling pleased with herself.