by MA Binfield
“My injury wasn’t as serious as it might have been so I guess, on one level, I was lucky. It meant being off my feet for a few weeks—no football and, obviously, no running. The race was four weeks away, and it was clear I wouldn’t be fit enough to run. For a while, I felt relief, but I didn’t dare tell Amanda that. Just something else I didn’t talk to her about. She and Gina carried on regardless. Running together, obsessing about nutrition, aches and pains. And I closed down and isolated myself. I didn’t see the point of post-match drinks if I wasn’t playing. Friends came to see me, but I wasn’t much fun to be honest. And I was drinking a bit more when we did go out. It wasn’t good for us. We argued more. Amanda didn’t like to see me drinking and self-pitying—who would? I wasn’t very nice and I wasn’t doing a thing to try and sort things out between us.
“But I thought about New York a lot, about how nice it would be to at least have the holiday. That maybe me and Amanda would start to get on like we used to after the race was out of the way, enjoy the trip, reconnect…” Iris was aware she was on the point of tears.
“Amanda had other ideas. One night, she said we needed to talk. I should have known something was up because Gina had disappeared so quickly after their run. Anyway, we sat down. I didn’t know what to expect. I knew Amanda was struggling to find the words she needed. She was fidgeting. I remember it really clearly. Turning this bottle of mayonnaise she had picked up over and over in her hands. We both got quite fixed on staring at it and then she spoke up and asked me to give my place in the race to Gina. I was so relieved. I mean I was hardly going to limp around the course in my state. I said as much.” Iris paused for a second before continuing. “You know the dread you feel when someone says ‘we need to talk’? Well, to be honest, I’d expected worse. Amanda got up from the table and started to fix herself a sandwich. She was saying stuff like, ‘I know it’s a disappointment not to be able to go, but we can go together next year,’ and ‘Gina says you’ll just get annoyed with all the hanging around if you’re not running,’ and then finally, she just said, ‘Apparently, it doesn’t even cost that much to change the name on the tickets.’ I just sat there as the meaning sank in. Amanda had meant that I should give up my place on the trip to Gina, give up the hotel, the flight…the whole holiday, not just my place in the race. And I’d agreed, without really meaning to. And the most awful part was that she was so relieved I’d agreed. I could hear it in her voice.”
Iris was crying now. Cam took Iris’s hand. This time Iris did not pull it away. Iris shook her head sadly.
“I should have said something, told her it was our trip and that we should see New York for the first time together, but I didn’t. I stopped listening and just sat there as she put mayonnaise on her sandwich, feeling sick and confused about what was happening and where we had gone so wrong.”
“Why didn’t you tell her you wanted to go with her?” Cam spoke softly. For the first time in a while, she focused on Cam, seeing concern and curiosity on her face. And, not for the first time, Iris thought how lovely she looked, how open she was.
Iris shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve thought about it often. Spent nights wondering why I gave up so easily. Sometimes I think it was pride. I didn’t want to be the one who needed things, who couldn’t cope with everything. Sometimes I wonder if I knew me and Amanda together were wrong. I had no idea of that at the time and, afterward, well…I thought I couldn’t live without her…but now I do kind of wonder. If it was as right as I thought it was I’d have fought for it surely? I didn’t. I was a passenger who sat and watched the train crash. I could have pulled the emergency cord, stopped the train, but I didn’t.”
“So they went to New York and you didn’t?”
“Yeah. The conversation in the kitchen didn’t really change anything. I suspect Amanda called Gina that evening. They would have been happy that I’d agreed to the plan of course. I had no idea right then just how happy it would have made them. ” Iris swallowed a small sob.
“A couple of weeks later, I’d been out and got home a bit earlier than I’d said. I’d been drinking and I got a taxi to drop me at the end of the street. As I walked toward the flat, I could see Amanda saying good-bye to Gina on the doorstep. The light from the hall making them both easy to see. I wasn’t surprised Gina was there; she was always there.” Iris was rambling a little, trying not to get to the point. This wasn’t something she’d ever told anyone. “And then I saw them. Amanda reached out and brushed some hair from Gina’s cheek, and Gina just leaned in to her hand. It wasn’t anything much really but, at the same time, it was everything and I knew then. It was all so fucking clear to me.
“I was ten yards away, Cam. I could have called out, I could have let them see me, let them know they’d been seen. But I froze. I watched Gina get in her car. I watched the front door close and the hall light go off. And I just carried on standing there.”
Iris felt Cam wipe the tears from her cheeks with soft fingers, but she didn’t move. She was somewhere else.
“The thing that bothered me was my reaction. I was devastated obviously. Realizing that Amanda was sleeping with Gina was a punch to the gut just like they say, and I had never felt pain like it. But those feelings lasted minutes, and then I completely shut off. And I mean completely. I went home. We watched TV. I feigned tiredness and went to bed and then we carried on as normal. I sat next to Amanda at breakfast and at dinner for two days after seeing them that night, and made myself think about all the ways in which Gina was better for her than I was, all the ways in which I had driven her to cheat by being so miserable and difficult. I wanted to tell her I knew about them, that I loved her, that what we had was worth fighting for, but I didn’t. I let her go to New York without saying a thing.”
Iris looked up at Cam. Her wide eyes showed surprise but also concern. “Would you have helped me not to be such an idiot if you’d known me then?” Iris asked.
“I…I don’t know. I hope so, but I don’t know Amanda. I didn’t know the two of you. Maybe…Maybe I would have felt like it was worth you fighting for it, but maybe I wouldn’t. I don’t know.” Cam sounded almost as upset as Iris.
Iris sat here with Cam—the woman she was worried she was falling for—talking about the woman she had loved more than anything else in the world. She felt sick, scared, and shameful. She gulped the coffee, knowing there was more she needed to say. “They went to New York. The night before they left, I didn’t go home. I couldn’t watch her pack, not knowing what it meant, what they were going to be doing without me on that trip. I stayed out, ignoring all of Amanda’s worried messages. Instead of being a grown up, I sent a text message from some bar. One line that just said, I hope New York is everything you both hoped for. It was the final act of destruction. In not going home, in not talking about any of it, I had made sure that Amanda would choose the safety of a relationship with Gina. A relationship where it was possible to talk about stuff, where they could want the same things.” Iris let the tears fall.
“What happened next?” Cam’s voice sounded strange, and Iris imagined disapproval written into the three words of her question.
“What you’d expect really. Amanda came home from New York. I wasn’t there when she came back. I couldn’t bear the idea of her continuing to lie to me about Gina, telling me about the trip. I went to my dad’s. I didn’t know what else to do. Then we met and got everything out in the open, hours and hours of recriminations, tears, anger. I told her what I’d seen. She didn’t deny any of it. She said she hadn’t meant it to happen of course, but that we were different people, and basically implying that it was my fault for being impossible. We went our separate ways. She left the team—it was a decent thing for her to do actually—she knew I’d need it more than her, need our friends. And she got on with building a new life with Gina. Or so I thought.” Iris hesitated, taking a moment to dry her eyes.
“And I…well…after we broke up, I became the person that Jess loves to talk about. I was destructiv
e. I went back to the team when I was fit, played and trained with an absolute fury, and I numbed the pain I felt at losing Amanda by chasing women I didn’t want and having lots of meaningless sex, not caring who I hurt, who I used, and hating myself more than ever. When Jess talks about the things I did, the person I was, I feel nothing but shame and a sense that all I can do to make amends is to make sure I’m not in a position to be that damaging to anyone ever again.” Iris had her arms crossed. She was feeling tired now, the effort of retelling the story taking its toll.
Dev’s shadow darkened the table as he placed a round silver platter containing the bill onto the table.
“Here you go, ladies. Ten percent off as promised.” He touched Iris on the shoulder, the gesture was kind, gentle. He couldn’t have heard what they had been talking about, but somehow it seemed he knew she needed it.
Iris looked at Cam, waiting for her to say something. She had badly wanted to explain to Cam what had happened with Amanda, had wanted her to understand why she had behaved so badly afterward, to not want the story to reflect badly on her but of course it did.
“I’ve got so many questions I want to ask you.” Cam leaned back in her chair. “I don’t dare to though. I’m worried I’ll upset you or that I’ll sound judgmental.”
“You couldn’t judge me any more harshly than I’ve judged myself. I know there’s no point saying it, but I want you to know that I’m not that person any more. I haven’t been for a while. It matters to me that you know that though I won’t blame you if it changes things. I wouldn’t really want to be close to someone like me either.”
Iris fished out her wallet and left enough cash to cover the bill and a generous tip for Dev.
“Shall we go? I’ll get us a taxi.” Iris stood, wanting to be anywhere but sitting there facing Cam. She could see concern on Cam’s face mixed with something else; she imagined it was disappointment, disappointment in her.
“I guess we should,” Cam replied quietly but didn’t move.
Iris put on her jacket, tugging at the sleeves, unable to meet Cam’s eyes, wanting and not wanting her to ask whatever was on her mind.
Outside the restaurant, after they had said their good-byes to Dev, they waited at the curb for their taxi. The street was as busy as it had been when they arrived. They were standing side by side, but Iris felt like she was miles away, hunched in her jacket, her face turned away from Cam’s. She felt arms wrap around her body as Cam pulled her into a tight hug.
“Thanks for dinner, Iris. It was lovely, just like you said it would be.” Cam pulled away. “And I don’t know what to say about the rest of it, but it’s not your fault that you were cheated on, whatever you think you did to deserve it. And it’s not fair that Amanda let you take the blame for it.” Cam paused. “And I know you probably did some things you’re not proud of when you were hurting, but…”
Iris pulled away from the hug.
“Iris?” Iris didn’t react. She couldn’t look at Cam. She didn’t want to see pity reflected back at her. Cam said her name again, a little more emphatically, and Iris lifted her head slowly, seeing Cam’s earnest gaze. “We’ve all done things we’re not proud of, Iris. Don’t let yours define you…please.”
Cam put a hand on her arm and squeezed gently.
“Amanda coming back doesn’t mean that old Iris is any more relevant than she was a week ago. I don’t care about her. I’m here for new Iris. I like her and I trust her, and I’m going to be her friend whatever.”
Iris pulled Cam into a hug, both arms wrapped around her, letting herself dare to believe that their friendship could survive Cam knowing the worst about her. The beep of the taxi horn at the curb gave them both a reason to retreat. Cam opened the door and ushered Iris inside.
* * *
They had been largely silent on the way home. Iris looking out the window, and Cam watching Iris, trying to find something to say that matched her desire to offer Iris reassurance. Everything she tried out in her head seemed lame. She wanted to tell Iris that Amanda cheating and then blaming her was a shitty thing to do. She wanted to say that she didn’t care how many women Iris had fucked around with afterward, friends didn’t turn their back on friends and she would never turn her back on Iris. And, above everything else, she wanted to tell Iris to start trusting herself and other people again. Starting with her.
Despite the thoughts and questions buzzing round her brain, Cam eventually decided that talking didn’t feel right and settled for taking Iris’s hand. She found herself stroking it soothingly, trying to use the contact to let Iris know she was there for her, despite it being clear that Iris had now retreated behind a defensive wall.
At one point, when they were close to home, heading up through the village, Iris looked across at her and, even in the dark of the car, Cam could see from her eyes that Iris had something she wanted to say.
“I don’t know how I’m going to feel being around her every week.” Iris said the words quietly. “It doesn’t hurt anymore, and I don’t even feel angry with her, but she reminds me of who I was then…of how stupid I was for not realizing how broken we were, and how much I hurt people after, people that didn’t deserve me treating them like that. I was no better than her in the end.” Iris took in a breath, her voice trailing off before completing the sentence.
“It was a long time ago, Iris. If you’ve forgiven her, you can forgive yourself.”
“Would you?” Iris held Cam’s gaze.
“Forgive her or forgive myself?”
“Both. Either. I dunno really.” The car was slowing to a stop; they had reached Cam’s house.
Iris was finally letting her in, and Cam knew she had to be honest but that she also had to be careful. Iris was hurting and Cam didn’t want to add to it.
“I think all of what you did was human. Maybe it wasn’t great, but it seems to me like you’ve made yourself suffer far too much for it ever since. So, yes, I think it’s time you forgave yourself.” She poked Iris on the leg for emphasis. “And I’d definitely expect you to forgive me if the shoe was on the other foot.”
Iris nodded and they sat silently for a beat until Cam realized that the taxi driver was speaking to them, telling them they had arrived at their first stop. Cam gathered up her bag and pulled away from Iris to exit the cab. She felt a tug on her arm and turned back.
“Thanks, Cam.” Iris let go of Cam’s arm, looking slightly embarrassed. “I mean it.”
“No problem.” Cam nodded back at her. She had the door slightly ajar and the back seat was now illuminated by the overhead light. Cam could see Iris’s dark eyes staring back at her and she was frowning. Cam felt a strong urge to lean across and drag her thumb across the frown, smoothing the skin. Instead, she stepped out of the cab onto the pavement in front of her house and waved a good-bye at Iris as the cab headed off down the street. The renewed darkness in the back of the car not allowing her to see if Iris had waved back.
Cam looked at her watch as she put her key in the door and saw that it was past ten. She blinked as she realized the time. She left her bag, shoes, and coat in the cabinet under the stairs and moved along the hallway to the living room. The landing light was on, but the downstairs of the house was dark. Ryan had already gone to bed. She headed to the sink and poured herself a glass of water before treading softly up the stairs, not sure if Ryan was awake or asleep but feeling a little guilty that she hadn’t texted before heading home to let him know that they had stayed a little later than intended at the restaurant.
Cam gently pushed open the door to their bedroom and was greeted by the sight of Ryan sitting up in bed, his bedside lamp shining softly and the small TV on top of the chest of drawers giving off a flickering light. There was no sound, but Ryan had the remote control in his hand, and Cam glanced across to see football on the TV.
“Match of the day…just started if you’re interested.” He pointed at the TV with the remote, sounding a little weary.
Cam nodded, peeling off her cloth
es and placing them on the chair in the corner of their room before crossing to the dressing table to put down her watch and necklace.
“You’re a lot later than I thought you’d be.” Ryan’s tone was pretty even. Cam had expected him to be more annoyed than this.
“Yeah, we went to the East End and ended up having a curry. Lovely place actually. We…” she hesitated. “We got to talking, lost track of time a bit…and the cab home took longer than I expected. Sorry.” Cam felt a slight resentment at having to explain herself to him, when he spent so much time away or out with other people, leaving her home alone far too many times. She honestly couldn’t remember the last time he’d stayed in waiting for her, but there was no point in saying that now.
“I should meet her. She must be really good company. I mean, what was that, twelve hours together? That’s some serious hanging out. And, hey, only twelve hours till you get to see her again for tomorrow’s match.” Ryan’s tone had hardened, the sarcasm hard to miss.
“Of course, you’d rather I’d stayed in and waited for you I suppose, and spent another Saturday doing nothing.” Cam dressed for bed, hating this, hating the way he was looking at her, but determined not to feel guilty.
“Not at all, I’m just surprised you could find so much to talk about. Or maybe there were long periods of just gazing at each other to pass the time.” Ryan didn’t wait for her to respond. “I mean everyone’s bisexual these days, maybe you’ve got a woman-crush. She’s hot. It’s not like I wouldn’t understand. I just didn’t know you had it in you.” He was trying to provoke her and they both knew it.