One Small Step

by MA Binfield

  Iris nodded, unable to respond with words, wanting Hazel to be right. Hazel pushed one of the trays in her direction.

  “Now, let’s deliver our precious cargo before we get shouted at. A thirsty Vicki is not a pretty sight.” Iris picked up one of the trays, now full of various shaped drinks, and carefully maneuvered her way back to the group.

  She sat next to Cam, with only the window on her right hand side. It meant she was slightly on the edge of the group, but it suited her odd mood. She chatted happily with Cam for a while about the game and answered Ryan’s questions about Cottoms, about her role, about whether she hated traveling for work. She didn’t, but he clearly did. He made that crystal clear, and Iris couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for him.

  “And do you have a girlfriend?” Ryan’s question came out of left field. “I’m amazed I don’t know actually. I feel like Cam talks about you a lot, but she’s never mentioned that.” Cam looked at him with a warning in her eyes before switching her gaze to Iris.

  “Not at the moment, no,” Iris replied.

  “I’m surprised, a good-looking woman like you.” Ryan raised an eyebrow. “Cam tells me I’m not supposed to make comments like that, but I hope you’ll take it as the compliment it’s meant to be.” Iris forced herself to play along for Cam’s sake, but she resented him asking, and resented him passing comment, however complimentary he thought he was being.

  “Well, you know what they say. Lucky at cards, unlucky in love.” She paused for effect. “Just don’t ever get into a poker game with me, I’ll clean you out.” She wanted Ryan to let her joke the subject away.

  “Understood.” He held a hand up as if in surrender.

  Ryan was handsome. The kind of handsome you don’t see straight away but that comes into view slowly. He had dark hair and pale blue eyes, perfect teeth and a nice smile. He was tall and obviously in good shape. Iris could see why Cam would like him.

  “Is Graham really as bad as Cam makes out, or is she complaining for the sake of it?” Ryan asked Iris.

  “I guarantee that he’s at least twice as bad as anything she’s told you.” She didn’t like Ryan dismissing Cam’s feelings.

  “Hmm. And how do you work that out?”

  “In my limited experience of Cam, she always tends to see the best in people, to try to understand them, and she’s probably found all sorts of empathetic excuses for why he’s the complete arsehole that he is, when actually he’s just a horrible person.”

  “You think she’s tolerant of bad behavior? That’s interesting.” Ryan tilted his head, suggesting he didn’t agree.

  Cam put up a hand. “I’m sitting here you know, right here.” Ryan looked like he hadn’t heard her; he was focused on Iris.

  “Like you say, Iris, your experience of Cam is pretty limited, despite you guys doing your best to play catch up. I’ll just say that I could do with a bit of that empathy you think she’s famous for every now and then.” Ryan delivered the comment lightly, with an attempt at passing it off as a joke, but Iris saw Cam react, a hurt look in her eyes, and she withdrew the hand she had been resting on Ryan’s leg.

  “I just meant that Graham is genuinely horrible, and if I had to work for him, I’d either have quit by now or be in prison. Cam does well to put up with him.” Iris looked at Cam, who was now gazing out across the pub, seeming like she was ignoring them both.

  Ryan simply nodded, looked at Iris for a second, and then turned the other way in his seat, returning his attention to Megan, who sat on the other side of him.

  Iris nudged Cam’s leg under the table. “Are you okay?” She spoke quietly not wanting to make things worse. Cam nodded but didn’t look convincing.

  “I’m sorry if I said the wrong thing.”

  Cam looked at her. “You didn’t, you were sweet. Ryan’s just being a pain. He didn’t really want to come, and he’s paying me back for getting my own way by being an ass.” She shrugged.

  “And you think that’s okay? ’Cos I don’t.”

  Cam’s body visibly tensed. “I think it’s what people in long-term relationships sometimes do to each other, get annoyed, be annoying. You can’t make every little thing a big deal or you’d be arguing constantly. Don’t pass judgment on my relationship, Iris. Not when you can’t even be bothered to try for one of your own.” Cam ran a hand through her hair, then put it on Iris’s knee. “I’m sorry—”

  Iris held up a hand, cutting her off. “It’s okay. I’m the one that should be sorry.” She deserved the jab from Cam. It absolutely wasn’t Iris’s business how Cam and Ryan navigated their relationship. Cam was right. Iris was so bad at relationships, so unable to cope with the difficulties and the compromises that she had given up. She was in no position to judge Cam for not doing the same.

  They sat there in silence for a minute. She tried to find a way back into conversation with Cam, but she was looking like she wanted to be anywhere but where she was.

  “Hey, the pool table’s free, fancy a game?” Iris looked up to see Priti in front of their table, pool cues in hand. She didn’t really want to leave Cam’s side, feeling like she owed Cam another apology and that they had more they needed to say, but she also felt that giving Cam some space might help rather than hinder. She nodded, took one of the cues from Priti with one hand, and fished in her pocket for a pound coin with the other.

  They played two games and Iris was well on her way to losing them both. Truth be told, Iris was a terrible lesbian. She couldn’t play pool, was unimpressed by cats, and couldn’t stand Ellen. Priti wasn’t a bad player, but Iris was definitely making her look good. Priti pocketed another ball, giving Iris a slightly sheepish look as if to say sorry. Iris just shrugged.

  Priti was new to the team, and Iris hadn’t made much effort to talk to her before tonight. She said she’d been working at Cottoms for a few months as a paralegal but didn’t know about the team until Jess had invited her to come along a few weeks ago. Iris didn’t feel too bad about not having noticed her. Cottoms had so many paralegals working in the offices on the floor above hers that she could never keep track of them all. Priti was petite, shapely, and had a sweet face framed by luscious dark brown hair. She was also really easy to talk to, surprising Iris more than once with her astute observations about the people they had in common.

  And, unfortunately, Iris didn’t feel attracted to her at all. Though she was probably not that much younger than Cam, there was something about Priti that seemed a little too young, a little too sweet. Iris made herself agree to the second game, telling herself that spending time with a single woman who was showing her some attention had to be better than being all angsty with Cam and her fiancé, but the attempt at positivity was punctured by annoyance when Hazel gave her a cheeky thumbs-up as if approving of Iris being with Priti.

  Iris let out a breath. Hazel could be really annoying sometimes. Iris was being friendly to Priti but that was all. When Priti asked hesitantly whether Iris was single, she had said yes but quickly made it clear she liked it that way. After the end of the second game, Priti politely thanked Iris for playing, and they went to their seats at opposite ends of the table. No harm done and hopefully not too devastating an outcome for Hazel. And playing pool had at least gotten Iris away from Cam and Ryan for half an hour.

  She crossed to the bar, intending to get a couple of packets of pork scratchings in the hope of making Cam smile, and found herself standing shoulder to shoulder with Amanda. Iris had expected Amanda to come for drinks—it was part of the ritual of playing, and she had no right to object—but knowing that Amanda was in the pub, knowing they would have to interact had definitely added to her strange mood. Iris nudged Amanda with her arm, knowing they had to do this at some point. Amanda turned toward Iris.

  “Has the place changed?”

  “Not really, I was just saying that to Jess actually. The decor’s the same and Jackie’s still as crazy as ever.” Amanda spoke lightly.

  “The pool table’s new though.” Iris nod
ded toward the corner. “Though the chance to practice hasn’t improved my game any.”

  “Yeah, you always were pretty bad.” Amanda paused. “That’s where the stage used to be, no? I’d almost forgotten about that.”

  “You forgot Jackie’s attempts to bring music to the masses? I fear my eardrums never will.”

  “Wasn’t she also keen on putting on poetry evenings? Did that ever happen? Did you do any of your poems?”

  “I think she did it once or twice, but I wasn’t involved.” Having to admit she still hadn’t overcome her fear of performing made Iris feel silly, made her feel she hadn’t made any forward progress in her life since their breakup, and of course Amanda was the last person she wanted to admit that to. Amanda had always had an easy confidence that made Iris feel inadequate by comparison. Even as they chatted briefly about how good it was for Amanda to be playing again, about her feeling in a rut and wanting to be a bit more sociable, Iris felt out of her depth, while Amanda seemed open and unafraid. They hadn’t mentioned Gina, or Amanda’s recent breakup, and Amanda hadn’t asked Iris if she was seeing anyone. It was all very civilized, if a little tense, and Iris was sure that they both felt relief when the barmaid put Amanda’s drinks in front of her and they murmured a polite good-bye.

  Returning to the other end of table with the snacks and taking her seat next to Cam, Iris could hear Ryan telling Megan about his job—something about investing in start-ups and then selling them when they became more profitable. He said something Iris couldn’t hear and Megan laughed. His mood seemed to have improved while she’d been away.

  Iris slipped the pork scratchings into Cam’s lap and was rewarded with a squeal of delight that caused the conversation to stop and everyone to turn and look at them.

  “Sorry.” Cam waved the packet in front of her goofily. “Just overreacting to pork scratchings.”

  Ryan looked at her. “So this is what you’ve been raving about. Let me try one.” Cam opened the packet and offered it to him. He took one into his mouth and grimaced.

  “They’re a bit of an acquired taste maybe,” Iris said.

  “A heart attack in a packet maybe.” He clutched his chest.

  “Good, I’m glad you hate them. I don’t want to share.” Cam poked his arm playfully and he leaned over and kissed her on the head before turning back to Megan to carry on the conversation they’d been having.

  Iris couldn’t help but wonder about the two of them. Cam had not exactly been negative about Ryan, but Iris had filled in the gaps when Cam had said she wasn’t entirely happy and assumed Ryan was a big part of the problem. Ryan reached down for Cam’s hand as he talked and stroked it softly. Cam leaned into him slightly. Iris made herself face the fact that, while they sometimes bickered, Cam and Ryan actually seemed pretty solid. If the goal of the evening was to kill off her burgeoning Cam crush, reminding herself that Cam had a fiancé she seemed pretty fond of was helpful. Iris nodded to herself, knowing that having more going on in her life would help. And that maybe—just maybe—it was time to stop being so concertedly single. She felt a panic wash over her at the very thought of it, and then felt Cam nudge her leg. Iris brought her focus back to the table as Ryan spoke to her.

  “Cam’s got a lot of good things to say about you.” Ryan’s tone was neutral, and this time, Iris couldn’t detect any edge to the statement. “She says that not only do you form a pretty unbeatable midfield partnership but that you guys are going to do poetry stuff together.” He smiled at her.

  “Yeah. We…it’s been good.” Iris felt inarticulate. She was half paying attention and half wondering what else Cam had said to him about her, not liking the idea of them talking about her at all.

  “I promised her I’d buy you a beer for saving me having to go listen to poetry in the future. I’m sure she’s moaned to you about how uncultured I am. I can’t even pretend to like it. Nor those awful movies with subtitles that she used to try to make me watch when we first got together.” He smiled at Cam as he spoke, and Cam tugged at his arm, seeming embarrassed. “Actually, you saving me from poetry is worth much more than a pint. Come to dinner. It’d be nice to get to know you better, and Cam’s always telling me we should be more sociable and I should get to know her friends. I promise not to ask you to recite any poetry, and I’ll even promise not to cook.”

  “That’s a blessing. He’s a terrible cook,” Cam said. The invitation was unexpected. Cam had made Ryan sound so busy, so anti-social. Iris looked at Cam, trying to read if she wanted this, if she wanted an evening with Iris and Ryan. She couldn’t think of anything worse, but she guessed that, for Cam, having her fiancé and her new friend get along would be something she’d want. For Cam’s sake, she made herself accept.

  “That’s sweet of you, and of course I’d love to. Though maybe we could go out to avoid Cam having to cook. There’s a new Italian place that opened up a few streets away from you guys if you’d rather do that.”

  “Nonsense. Cam will cook. She enjoys it. Don’t you?” Ryan spoke for Cam, but she simply nodded, smiling at him. But it was a smile that didn’t reach her eyes.

  “I do like to cook. Though not as much as you like to eat.” She patted his stomach teasingly.

  “Nonsense, woman. I’m a fine figure of a man.” He flexed his muscles playfully.

  Iris didn’t want to banter with Ryan and Cam tonight. Her mood was strange, had been strange since Ryan had arrived after the match. She had an impulse to get away. Her eyes darted toward the door and Ryan caught the movement.

  “Don’t tell me you’re craving one too. I thought all you soccer players would be health fanatics. I gave up smoking years ago, but sometimes, when we’re out drinking, I still get the craving and have to have one. I usually have to beg one from complete strangers. Cam hates it, says it’s embarrassing.” He shrugged.

  “That’s because it is embarrassing,” Cam said.

  Iris was resentful that Cam and Ryan had these anecdotes, that they had years of shared stories, shared experiences, and she had nothing. It wasn’t just that she was single—she’d had relationships, she had stories she could tell—it was something about Cam and Ryan, something about never being able to compete with him where Cam was concerned. And she hated herself for even wanting to.

  “No, not a smoker. Never have been. Actually, I was just worrying that I’d left my car lights on.” Iris stood. “I think I’ll check. Excuse me.” She headed for the door. So much for not moping.

  Outside, Iris looked up at the moon. It was full tonight. It made the car park at the front of the pub seem lighter than usual. She could make out the top of the hedges that surrounded it on two sides. It was cold but not unbearably so, and she leaned on her car trying to find the will to go back inside. This evening had been an eye-opener. She wasn’t stupid, she knew she found Cam attractive, but she had honestly believed that her feelings were platonic and friendly and that any desire she felt to hang out with Cam related simply to how nice it was to spend time with her as a friend.

  Despite being single for several months now, Iris didn’t ever think of herself as lonely, but she wondered if Cam had ignited something inside her, some desire she had buried that wanted to be close to someone, to be special to someone.

  Someone would come along when she was ready—the platitude was one she had told herself many times—she just wasn’t sure she knew what ready would feel like.

  As she pushed herself away from the car, ready to go back inside and leave her stupid jealousy in the car park, the side door to the pub opened and, in the light spilling out, she saw Amanda come outside and walk toward her.

  “Oh, hey, I thought you’d left, but Cam said you’d come out to check on your car. Everything okay?”

  “Yeah, just thought I’d left my lights on. Didn’t. Old age beckons.”

  She wasn’t a great liar, and Amanda considered Iris with a curious expression.

  “I wanted to see if you were okay actually. You seem a bit quiet tonight. I wonder
ed…” Amanda faltered slightly. “I wondered if it was because I’m here. I don’t have to be. I mean, I wasn’t going to come, but Hazel said you were completely cool with it, but maybe it’s not a good idea.”

  “It’s not you. Don’t think that. I’m probably just a bit tired I think.” She pushed her toe at a loose stone. “There’s just a few too many people in there is all. Bit overwhelming having to do the talking thing with people I don’t know very well. You know what I’m like with small talk.” Iris was trying to be truthful, without being completely honest.

  “Tell me about it. I apologized for you leaving social events early more times than I can remember. I think we used to pretend you had sudden migraines.”

  “Yeah, we did, sorry about that.”

  “Hey, it was a long time ago and, if I’m honest, I sometimes wished I’d had the nerve to join you. Too polite I think.”

  “You’re calling me impolite?” Iris smiled.

  “I guess I am.” Amanda chuckled.

  They stood silently for a while.

  “I broke up with my girlfriend. I’m sure Hazel told you.” Iris didn’t respond, guessing that Amanda wasn’t expecting her to.

  “She…I mean, there was someone else…it’s been awful and a bit…” Amanda searched for the word, “unpleasant. Makes me realize how badly I behaved myself. I’m not sure I ever said sorry to you properly at the time. I was so lucky with the way you handled our thing. You weren’t ever nasty.”

  Iris didn’t know what to say. She’d been so hurt by Amanda. Being cheated on had made her lose herself. She didn’t want that for Amanda, despite everything.

  “I’m sorry too. You don’t deserve that.” She paused. “And I wouldn’t say I handled ‘our thing’ all that well, but I know what you mean. I did go quietly. I think I saved my unpleasantness for all the women I fucked over afterward.” Iris let out a small bitter laugh.