The Fairy-Tale Detectives

by Michael Buckley

By the time the moon was directly overhead, the boy fairy’s demented trips and traps were scattered throughout the woods. Everyone was exhausted and more than a few people were deeply troubled by some of the chores Puck had asked them to do. Rapunzel was particularly upset by having to collect ten pounds of skunk droppings. But, when all was said and done, Sabrina could sense that the army felt as if things were really changing. Even the Cowardly Lion admitted that it seemed they had a chance of beating Mirror.

  That night Sabrina lay in her sleeping bag beneath a tree, with her sister cuddling beside her. Puck rested on a tree branch above them, looking out on the woods and fingering the wooden flute he kept with him at all times. The moon illuminated his proud grin.

  “You should get some sleep,” Sabrina said.

  Puck shook his head. “I’m too excited. It feels like Christmas Eve—like I’m going to wake up and find something big under the tree.”

  “Except it might be something really big,” Sabrina said.

  “I’m hoping for a troll,” Puck said. “Go to sleep, stinker. I’ll let you know if we catch anything.”

  “Puck, you’re an awesome villain,” Sabrina said.

  “Grimm, you say the sweetest things,” he said.

  Sabrina sat there for a long time, contemplating what had just happened, when she heard someone crying. She climbed out of her sleeping bag and followed the sound into the woods, where she found Snow weeping next to a tree. When she spotted Sabrina, she grimaced.

  “I didn’t want anyone to see me,” she blubbered.

  “Worried about the prince?”

  Snow nodded.

  “Want to see if we can find him?” Sabrina asked.

  A smile broke out over the lovely teacher’s tear-stained face. “Can we?”

  Hand in hand, they crept into the camp where the magic mirror had been propped against a tree. Elvis lay on the ground in front of it, acting as guard dog. He opened a sleepy eye when the two women entered the reflection but did nothing to stop them. As soon as Sabrina and Snow were inside the Hall of Wonders, they rushed to the mirror room, where Snow quickly recited a poem to activate the guardians. “Mirrors, mirrors hanging there, where’s my prince with the awesome hair.”

  The mirrors let out a combined chuckle and their faces faded. In each appeared an image of Charming sitting on the edge of a cliff looking out on the Hudson River. Sabrina had never seen him look so depressed. She wouldn’t have believed he was capable of such sadness.

  “Where do you think he is?” Sabrina asked.

  “Not far,” Snow said. “It’s called Douglass’s Peak. I used to go there when I wanted to be alone. I wonder how he knew.”

  “He had a magic mirror too,” Harry said as his face reappeared in his frame. “He spent a lot of time checking in on you. Not in a creepy way. He just wanted to make sure you were safe.”

  “I wish I could talk to him,” Snow said. “I love him. I want to help him with this.”

  “We might get caught in one of Puck’s traps,” Sabrina said.

  “Your parents would kill me.” Snow sighed.

  “Then let’s make sure they don’t find out.”

  • • •

  “It was love at first sight for us—at least, that’s what we always thought,” Snow said as they stomped through the heavy brush. “He swept me away. I agreed to marry him after knowing him only two weeks, but when it was time to walk down the aisle, well, something wouldn’t let me. Back then I thought I was just headstrong and unsure of who I was, but now I know it was Atticus. His ‘echo,’ as my mom calls it, was still there and it made me feel like a damsel in distress all the time. I wanted to stand on my own and Billy is the kind of guy who—well, I didn’t want him to save me. I wanted to see if I could do it on my own.

  “But he never gave up on me. His feelings survived three marriages. And now he thinks those feelings are inventions.”

  “Invention or not, four hundred years is a long time to be in love with the same person,” Sabrina said. “It has to be real.”

  “Last week I would have been sure you were right.” Snow said. “I just hope he thinks so too.”

  They walked on until they found Charming sitting on the edge of a rocky cliff, just where the mirrors said he would be.

  “What if he won’t talk to me?” Snow whispered.

  “Wait here,” Sabrina said, then walked over and sat down next to him. He looked at her but said nothing, and for a long time she did the same. She wasn’t exactly sure what to say. What kind of pep talk do you give someone who just found out he’s not real, that his memories are inventions, that he’s a figment of someone’s imagination walking around in clothes? Daphne would know what to say. She always knew how to make a person smile, and she seemed to have a positive effect on Charming. The only effect Sabrina had on him was to make his face curl up as if he had just smelled a carton of spoiled milk.

  “Nice view, huh?” she said, gazing out at the river. The water was calm and the moon had painted everything a soft blue. On the far banks of the river was a little restaurant with a dock and beyond that a couple of houses. Sabrina wondered if those people had any clue what was happening across the water. “You know, we never get a chance to just sit and talk.”

  “What do you want?” Charming grunted.

  “Nothing.”

  “Then go away.”

  “Hey, I’m just enjoying the scenery. It’s a free country,” she said, settling down more comfortably and taking off her shoes to let the cool air slip through her socks.

  “You’re not going to leave, are you?” Charming asked.

  “Nope. Now, normally, I would run to the other side of town to avoid having a conversation about feelings, but I’m trying to turn over a new leaf. Think of me as a pal you can share things with. I’ll start. I’m running your army and it’s scary. I don’t really know what I’m doing. I’m afraid I’m going to get everyone killed. You should come back. OK, now your turn.”

  Charming sighed in surrender. “Is she with you?”

  “Snow? Yes. She’s very worried about you. We all are.”

  Charming glanced over his shoulder to take a peek at Snow. “I should go. I don’t want to talk to her.”

  “Listen, William, I know this stinks. But here’s the thing—it’s not like the Wicked Queen turned you into a weirdo. She made you pretty awesome. You’re brave and smart and strong. You’re too good-looking for your own good. I wish someone would remake me, sometimes.”

  “But those things aren’t real, Sabrina. I’m not brave because I have some inner strength. I’m not smart because of experience. I’m not strong from hard work. These gifts aren’t things I’ve earned. They don’t belong to me. All my dreams and aspirations are hardwired into me. Wanting to build that stupid castle, rebuild my kingdom, everything—it has consumed me for hundreds of years and for what? It’s not even what I really want!”

  “How can you be sure?”

  “That’s just it! I can’t be sure, and it’s maddening. There is nothing about me that I can be certain about—not even Snow. Especially not Snow.”

  “You think you don’t love her?”

  “Oh, I love her all right. With everything that’s in me. But is that an invention? How can I know it’s real? Maybe it’s just part of the story Bunny created for me. I met Snow five hundred years ago, and for five hundreds years I have carried a torch for her, and now to think it’s just part of my character, well . . . that’s earth-shaking.”

  Sabrina nodded. “Seems to me that if you feel it, then it’s real.”

  “Billy?”

  Sabrina turned to see Snow approaching them. Charming climbed to his feet and Snow rushed to him, wrapping her arms around his neck and showering his cheeks with kisses.

  “Billy, we can work this out. I know it’s terrible but . . . it took so long for us to find our way back to each other. We can’t lose that again,” Snow said.

  Charming pulled away. His face twisted with confusion a
nd pain. “I don’t know if I love you, Snow.”

  “You—what?” Snow cried as if the prince had suddenly begun speaking in another language.

  “I’m sorry. I can’t be with you,” the prince said.

  And then in a flash, the dumbstruck look vanished, and Snow lost her temper. Her cheeks turned fire-engine red and her mouth puckered into a pout. “William Charming, I will not have it!” she demanded.

  Charming took a step back, and even Sabrina was alarmed by her tone.

  “I know that life has thrown you a curveball—”

  “It’s a bit more than a curveball,” Charming said, then turned and walked into the woods, vanishing within its dark interior.

  “Billy!”

  “I’m sorry,” Sabrina whispered.

  Snow turned to look out at the milky river. Her anger faded. “I think I’ve lost him this time.”

  “Don’t worry. The man can’t stop thinking about you. You left him at the altar and he still cares.”

  “I don’t know this time. This is different,” Snow said, her whole body trembling. “This is big.”

  • • •

  Sabrina managed to get a few hours of sleep before being woken by shouts and hollers. As soon as she opened her eyes, she realized everyone was rushing from the campground into the woods.

  “What’s going on?” Daphne said as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

  “I think we’ve caught our first mouse,” Henry said, appearing before them with Basil in his arms. “Why don’t you go take a look? Junior and I will prep a room in the mirror.”

  Sabrina helped her sister to her feet, and the two rushed after the rest of the army. It wasn’t long before they found what was drawing everyone’s attention. Jack Pumpkinhead was dangling upside down, held in the air by a vine wrapped around his feet. His giant pumpkin noggin was as red as the handprint painted on his shirt.

  “Let me down, traitors,” he demanded.

  “Welcome to our forest, Jack,” Sabrina said. “And congratulations, you’re the first person to get caught in one of our traps.”

  “When I get down from here, I swear you’ll pay,” the man shouted.

  “I never get tired of hearing empty threats. Cut this walking pumpkin pie down,” Sabrina said.

  “Wait! It’s not finished,” Puck said, and a moment later a dozen chimpanzees plopped down from the limbs. Each wore a soldier’s helmet and held fat Wiffle ball bats, which they used to smack their captive. Jack groaned while the chimps giggled like little maniacs.

  “So I guess Bunny found a way to get into his bedroom,” Sabrina said to her sister.

  “Yep. For better or worse,” Daphne said.

  Over the course of the day, the Master’s thugs suffered at the diabolical hands of the Trickster King. Hansel fell into a pit filled with honey (and to no one’s surprise, fire ants). His sister, Gretel, surrendered after being chased through the woods by a pack of zombie chipmunks. Bo Peep was hoisted skyward by enormous helium balloons that were quickly popped by tiny arrows. She fell onto a carefully placed hornet’s nest. A couple of goblins found themselves caught in the hungry jaws of giant Venus flytraps that magically sprang from the ground. A towering troll stomped through the woods only to be clobbered in the head by a huge log that swung down from the trees. It seemed that every ten minutes or so the quiet of the forest was interrupted by surprised cries and painful bellows and then Puck’s gleeful giggles.

  By evening, thirty of the Hand’s thugs were locked tight in the Hall of Wonders, and it was time to move on to a new camp. Sabrina examined a map of the forest with the help of the mirrors and found another great site for hiding. Traveling by night, the army made their way there just before midnight and set up camp.

  The next day started much like the day before. The Patchwork Girl was the first victim. Sabrina had never met her, but the Scarecrow, who had once been very much in love with her, informed everyone that she was made entirely of old pieces of blankets. Unfortunately for her, she was caught when she walked through a trip wire that doused her with gallons of sewage. Sabrina was sure the smell would never come out.

  “I wonder if you can dry-clean a person,” Goldilocks said through her pinched nose.

  The day brought more prisoners, many caught with the help of a thousand little pixies Puck affectionately referred to as his minions: Ms. Muffet and her husband, the Spider, Big Hans and Little Hans, Babe the Big Blue Ox, Jack and Jill, Solomon Grundie, and a blue dragon all got the worst of their little stings and relentless pursuits. Once again, by nightfall, the ragtag army had captured another thirty-five members of the Hand, but their most important prisoner—Beast—was completely entwined in what looked like a giant spiderweb made from bubblegum. It had clumped into his hair, making it painful to move.

  “Where’s my daughter?” Beauty said coolly.

  “Our daughter is safe,” Beast said. “You don’t have to worry.”

  “Don’t tell me what I have to worry about, James. You don’t get to do that anymore.”

  “They’ve turned you against me!” he roared.

  “No, it’s you who walked out on me when you decided to do the wrong thing. You can do what you want, but you won’t do it with our daughter,” Beauty said.

  “You’ll never find her,” Beast said.

  “You’re wrong about that,” Sabrina said. “The mirrors will show us.”

  The Beast growled “Beauty, why won’t you be reasonable? These people you have befriended have brought us nothing but misery. What happened to the woman who would do anything for our freedom?”

  “That woman realized that she was also someone’s mother,” Beauty said. “One of us has to teach her right from wrong.”

  The Beast snarled. “So you’re finished with me, then?”

  “I will never be finished with you, James. I’m always going to love you, but right now you don’t deserve me.”

  Beauty walked with Beast as he was taken into the Hall of Mirrors and locked inside his room. She herself turned the key, then looked through the barred window at her husband. “Figure out how to be the man I loved,” she said to him.

  In the morning, they set up a new camp and found another twenty-five prisoners to lock safely away. These villains suffered through animal bites, toxic waste, angry bruises, and a few depantsings. In between runs to check on traps, Sabrina and Daphne went to the mirror room to give the guardians an update.

  “At this rate we’ll have every bad guy under lock and key in no time at all,” Daphne told the mirrors.

  “You should be very proud of yourselves,” the strange beaver guardian commended. His name was Shi’arsted. Sabrina was slowly learning everyone’s names during her daily visits to check the maps for new campsites.

  “Thank you,” Sabrina said. “Unfortunately, our two biggest targets are still out there.”

  “I don’t think you’ll see Atticus and the First in these woods,” Titan said. “They are too smart to fight you on your turf. You’re going to have to go to them.”

  Sabrina nodded, feeling deflated. “I know. I can feel that battle coming at me like a train. I want to get off the tracks, but I can’t. We just don’t have a clue what to do when it happens. I was hoping you might have some ideas.”

  “Between Atticus and the First, your best bet is the First. He is locked inside the feeble body of an old woman. If you kill her, you kill him,” one of the mirrors said.

  “Shut your mouth!” Fanny cried. “That old woman is the kids’ grandmother.”

  “I’m only speaking logically,” the mirror said defensively.

  “As long as Atticus wears his armor he’s going to be unstoppable. No mortal man can kill him. You’ve got to find a way to get it off of him,” Titan said.

  Suddenly, the mirrors began to shake, and the guardian’s reflections turned into rough seas. A terrible electrical storm sparked out of each one, which made Sabrina take a step back—but the mirrors surrounded her.

  “What’
s happening?” Daphne cried.

  “Run!” Harry cried.

  “He’s coming, Sabrina!” Fanny warned.

  And then, every face vanished, replaced by the mocking horror of Granny Relda and the monster that controlled her. Her wild face and eyes stared at the girls with a smile both dark and diabolical.

  “Hello, Daphne, Sabrina,” Mirror said.

  “What are you doing here?” Daphne said.

  “Funny little side effect of once being a mirror is that if I exert enough energy, I can overhear everything you say.”

  “You’ve heard what we’ve been planning all along,” Sabrina said.

  “Since the start.”

  Daphne gasped, and Sabrina’s hands shook with anger. “Then why did you let your thugs get trapped? Why didn’t you warn them about the traps out here in the woods?”

  Mirror chuckled. “Well, one, they were starting to get in the way. Two, more than a few of them are pretty smelly. I could get them to burn the town to the ground, but a little body wash was out of the question. And three, I don’t need them any longer to get what I want. It’s just me versus two little girls.”

  Sabrina was shocked.

  “Yeah, I heard the prophecy too,” he continued. “Wish it didn’t have to be like that, Starfish. I . . . well, I have a soft spot for you girls.”

  “If you care so much, why don’t you leave our grandmother’s body,” Daphne said.

  “Trust me,” Mirror said. “I wish I could. She’s old and tired. It’s exhausting being in such a feeble person. But all this trouble can go away in an instant. Just give me the spell that lowers the barrier. I know you have it. If you do, I promise I’ll surrender this body and then you can have your dear granny back—sound fair?”

  “I can’t let you out, Mirror,” Sabrina said, mustering every bit of bravado she could.

  “That’s how it’s going to be? That makes me sad.” Mirror frowned. “Well, Starfish, you’ve forced my hand. If you won’t give me the spell, I’m going to have to make you give it to me.”

  Then the surface of each mirror began to bubble and churn. Lightning exploded out of the silver surfaces like before, but this time much more violently. Sabrina grabbed Daphne’s hand and backed away, but a bolt of energy blasted near her feet, knocking both girls to the floor. As Sabrina tried to stand she saw long, jagged cracks splintering through the reflections. Soon they multiplied, intertwining like the crayon drawings of a toddler. And then all twenty-four of the guardians reappeared, their faces caught in frozen fear as they joined together in a chorus of pain.