On the other hand, “simple” awareness, along with a fortified tolerance for bewildering and frightening physical body sensations, can seemingly, as if by magic, prevent or dissolve entrenched emotional and physical symptoms. A deeply focused awareness is what allowed me to survive my accident without being emotionally scarred. It is also what allowed the young samurai to find peace in the midst of his emotional hell. However, let it be said that in actuality, it may not be so easy to experience the potent simplicity of awareness—especially in the beginning.
This trial is described by one young man learning to contact the essence of awareness:
Deepening awareness is a challenge. It isn’t a challenge because my parents didn’t love me enough. It’s a challenge because it’s a challenge. I don’t need to take it personally. I’ve spent years excavating my past, sorting and cataloguing the wreckage. But who I really am, the essential truth of my being, can’t be grasped by the mind, no matter how acute my insights. I’ve confused introspection with awareness, but they’re not the same. Becoming the world’s leading expert on myself has nothing to do with being fully present.137
Beginning meditators are often painfully surprised at the tumultuous activity of their minds. Thoughts, sensations, feelings, fears and desires chaotically pursue each other like dogs obsessively chasing their tails. However, as they gain some steadiness in awareness, practiced meditators start taming their restless minds. They begin having extended periods when they are not sucked into the endless swirling vortex of their frenzied thoughts and emotions. In place of this turbulent state a sublime inquisitiveness about moment-to-moment experience begins to develop. They start to investigate the “how” of each arising moment, as well as their reactivity to various thoughts, sensations, feelings and situations. They settle into the mysterium tremendum of “no-self.” In the words of the meditator, “One must be present, and it is not always useful to begin the past all over in order to live in the present.”
One of the greatest barriers to being fully present is the habit of accepting what one does deliberately (i.e., “on purpose”) “as the last word” instead of only one mode, rather than including what occurs spontaneously. For growth and development, any live organism and its supporting environment must be in intimate contact. However, because of our cultural conditioning, as well as frightening and aversive events from the past, we have learned to block this organic flow.
Perhaps the most concrete reason to pay attention to your body is that it is a ready tool to resolve various physical, emotional and psychological symptoms. However, such a “cure” is not a treatment in the traditional sense. It is not a mere alleviation of symptoms. Rather, it is a descent into the parts of our being that are alien, that we might prefer not to deal with—the parts of ourselves that we have split off from and, at one point, “chosen” to deposit out of sight and touch. They are concealed in the world of “non-experience.”
Absent Body, Present Body
You walk into the kitchen. There, sitting in a bowl on the kitchen table, is the “perfect” apple. Its color, shape and size make you want to reach out and hold it in your hands. You do just that, and then notice its solid weight, fragrant smell and smooth texture. Already saliva begins to form in your mouth, and your viscera gently gurgle. You bring the apple to your mouth, open your jaws and take a powerful bite. As you start to chew, saliva flows copiously from your glands. The sweet and tangy taste is almost orgasmic. You continue to chew. The apple liquefies, and you acquiesce to the reflex to swallow. When the fruit moves through the throat, and begins its slide down the esophagus, perhaps you have the physical sensations of food in free fall, followed by a gentle dropping sensation in your stomach. Then nothing—that is, nothing until much later when you feel the urge in your bowels for evacuation.
Let’s go back to the beginning of this mini exercise and follow the train of body sensibility as it leads from eyes to mouth to rectum. The visual impression of the apple, before registering in the conscious regions of the brain, already stimulates subconscious portions of the brain and generates small gentle movements in your viscera. The arm begins to move at the bidding of those physical sensations in your guts and salivary glands—sensations that probably have eluded our awareness. As you are making the motion of reaching out with your hands, your eyes direct the action. The motion is executed and orchestrated by our motor (muscular) system. The impulse to reach is guided by feedback to our brains from tension receptors in the muscles and positional receptors in the joints (the kinesthetic and proprioceptive senses, respectively). Theses senses guide our hand as it grabs the apple and moves it toward the mouth. The eyes could just as easily be closed, and the proprioceptive and kinesthetic senses would have accurately guided the arm and hand touching a finger, precisely, on our nose. We are generally not aware of this guidance—and we do not specifically notice the muscle tension or joint position. Nonetheless, they guide the sumptuous morsel precisely to its intended target.
If, as the morsel is chewed, savored and swallowed, we happen to pick up and read the Sunday paper, we might easily lose conscious awareness of the sequence of sensations. And later in the day, as our large intestine fills and calls for evacuation, we might still choose to ignore it, being preoccupied with completing a task at hand. However, by busying ourselves, by withdrawing awareness, our inner sensations recede into the shadow of absence. There will come a time, however, when we can no longer suppress the urgency and must let nature take its course.
Back to the apple: We can be more or less oblivious to the whole sequence: apple to eyes, eyes to brain, brain to viscera, viscera to arm and hand to mouth, mouth to stomach, stomach to small intestines, small intestines to colon and colon to anus. Functionally, we are able to carry out such operations with little conscious awareness. In that sense, we are akin to a machine, a complex servo system with multiple feedback loops. However, when we take the time to invite awareness, a whole new world of experience begins to open up … one that we might never have even imagined existed!
Similarly, in deep sleep, we surrender ourselves profoundly to the interoceptive world. Automatic visceral activities regulate and sustain life far outside our realm of awareness. Respiration, heartbeat, temperature and blood chemistry are all maintained within the narrow range that supports life. This internal world usually resides at or beyond the outer reaches of conscious awareness. While awake we may not be aware of this inner world, but it is possible to entice it from far background to near background and then gently seduce it, if only fleetingly, into the foreground of our awareness. Let us proceed.
Going Inside: Adventures in Interoception
Preface
It takes one to stand in the dark alone.
It takes two to let the light shine through.
—Motown song
The following few exercises can be done alone, but as mammals the very stability of our nervous systems depends on the support from a safe other. This was the case of the pediatrician attending to my desperate need right after my grave misfortune described in Chapter 1. By myself, I could have possibly done some of what I did to recover my equilibrium after the accident, but it made an enormous difference to have her sitting quietly by my side. Her stable presence made it more possible for me to stay focused and not swallowed in fear, bereft in sorrow and utterly alone. The following exercises can be practiced alone but are more fruitfully practiced in the presence of another person.
Exercise 1: Wandering Inward
Awareness on the body as a whole is the object of this initial exercise. Let your attention leisurely wander through every part of your body. Without judgment of good/bad or right/wrong, simply note what parts you are able to feel. To what degree does your body exist for you? Initially, you may be surprised that you do not actually feel a part of your body, even an area as large as your pelvis or legs. Of the parts of the body that you do feel, you will, at first, probably be mostly aware of uncomfortable, tight and painful areas. You may also feel
twinges and twitches; these uncomfortable feelings may turn out to be an entry to the deeper sensing of your body.
Next bring your attention to muscular tensions. Attend to them without trying to do something with them. You may want to try and relax them prematurely. It is important, rather, to just let the tensions remain and follow them as they change spontaneously. Notice, now, your skin sensations: can you feel your body as a whole? Can you feel where your head is in relation to your neck and shoulders? Can you feel your chest—from front to back, how does your breathing feel? Can you sense whether it feels full and easy or whether it may get “stuck” in your chest, throat or belly? Do you sense your ribs expanding and contracting with your breath? Can you feel your legs—or at least part of them? Next try to locate your genitals. Note what happens as you focus upon them.
Discussion
If you have the notion that this exercise was a piece of cake or you believe that you have observed everything that lies within the boundary of your body in this first experiment, then you are almost certainly mistaken. You probably have begun to notice just how difficult it is to “simply” observe experience without judgment and evaluation. Body awareness is a skill that needs to build gradually over time. If we experience things too quickly and deeply, we might be overwhelmed, leading us to further suppress or dissociate. Most of the time, we substitute an idea or picture for actual direct experience. Until we become aware of these counterfeits for actual sensate feelings, it is hard to tune in to the wonderland below our skin. How can we know what we are missing if we never knew it existed in the first place? That is why we only gradually begin to experience the body directly. Although we may “know” where the parts of our bodies are, it may take some time to actually feel them. Even many dancers and athletes have trouble with this. For free, unforced, spontaneous functioning of your legs—and other parts of your body—you must have a direct felt experience of their tensions and position in relation to the rest of the body. I have worked with a number of professional dancers who, at first, find this extremely difficult; so please don’t be discouraged. If you practice this exercise daily in moderate amounts, skillfulness in sensory awareness will eventually come.
It may be beneficial to understand that there is a fundamental difference between your mental image of yourself and your actual physical/bodily sense of yourself. Of course, some discrepancy is true for all of us. But, the “neurotic” personality creates and perpetuates its symptoms through an unconscious constricting (hypertonicity) or collapsing (hypotonicity) of the musculature.‖ It is only through building a refined awareness and allowing the muscles and viscera spontaneous expression that we can begin to dissolve the “neurotic” and traumatic (split off) parts of ourselves and lay claim to a deeper, more authentic self.
Because developing the capacity for awareness is tricky at first, it would be good for you to appreciate how universally difficult body sensing is and be both determined and patient. These exercises are worth spending hours on. But please don’t overdue it; fifteen or twenty minutes at a time is more than sufficient when you are beginning. Also, mini awareness excursions as you go about your day can be particularly revealing. You may find how everyday activities and routines affect your muscles, posture and breathing. You may begin to discover how differently your whole body acts and reacts, for example, while walking, talking, driving, working on the computer and standing in line at the grocery store. There is no winning or losing, success or failure, with these brief daytime trips into the body consciousness. The only objective is to continue the journey, exploring a little further each time with a sense of wonder.
Try to keep yourself in the frame of mind that it is you that is living the experiences no matter how it feels. Try to accept blockages and resistances as part of the experience without holding on, censoring, forcing or pushing them away. With each and every experience, preface your observation with the words, “Now I am aware of …” or “Now I am experiencing …” This may seem silly and repetitious, but it is useful in establishing an attitude of exploration and self-acceptance. There is no need for struggle or change. Observation of what you are sensing is the ticket.
Exercise 2: Differentiating Sensations, Images and Thoughts
Find a comfortable place to sit or lie down, but not on a surface that is too soft or where your head is too elevated if you decide to recline. First attend to what you see, hear and smell in the external environment. Use the words, “Now I am aware of this or that …” Then softly invite your focus inward to the surface and interiors of your experiencing. Note any images (pictures), muscular tensions, visceral sensations or emotional feelings. Allow yourself to become aware of when you switch from feeling or sensing to thinking, and then gently draw yourself back to inner sensing. You might say to yourself something like, “And when I have the thought that … what I notice in my body is …” At first you may find it difficult to differentiate between sensations, emotions and thoughts. Give yourself time as you accept the perplexity of this challenge. With practice you will become much more clear and adept at untangling the various aspects of body/mind. Trust that over time your steadfastness will bring with it, potentially, rich opportunities for extending your experiential edge.
Exercise 3: Focusing on One Element of Experience
This time as you explore your experience, notice and label your sensations, images and thoughts as they come into your awareness. When you peek inside, notice which of these three elements appears to be most salient. Then, one by one, shift your attention by focusing exclusively on images, then on physical sensations, next on feelings, and finally on thoughts. It is possible that certain experiences will just pop up into awareness from seemingly out of nowhere. This may surprise or even startle you and cause your “thinking mind” to jump in and try to understand what is going on. Resist this habit. It will take you away from the developing focal experience. Such seduction by the mind is to be expected. Each time this happens, simply and gently remind yourself, “This is what I am experiencing now,” and then bring yourself back to the picture, sensation or feeling that you were experiencing before you were lured into thought. As you continue focusing, your images, sensations or feelings may expand, deepen or change. Softly say to yourself, “Now I am aware that …”
You are likely to try to figure out what is going on or try to remember what you think may be a memory from the past. The idea is not to try to “remember” anything (repressed or otherwise); though it is entirely possible that some sort of “revivification” may occur spontaneously. The key is to bring yourself back to the present with the gentle words, “Now I am aware that …” as you continue to follow your internal experience in the here and now. The tendency is to be drawn to the revivification, especially when traumatic material is involved. It turns out, however, that a key to processing traumatic material successfully (as well as avoiding the pitfalls of so-called false memories) is in cultivating the ability to hold a dual consciousness with an emphasis on the sensations, feelings, images and thoughts that are unfolding in the here and now. When this is done, fragmented sensory elements, which make up the core of trauma, become gradually integrated into a coherent experience. It is this transformation that healing trauma is all about; it is not about “remembering” per se, but gradually moving out of fixity and fragmentation into flow and wholeness.
Discussion
You may (unless you are extremely obsessive) have found it maddeningly difficult to stay focused on a sensation (or image) without drifting off into thought. For these exercises to take hold, you will need to regularly set some time to practice (generally from five or ten minutes to an hour). You will encounter a myriad of possible resistances ranging from drifting into thought to “spacing out” entirely or having the urge to go to the refrigerator to eat. Another kind of avoidance occurs when a sensation or image somehow reminds you of a past event, as in the experience of déjà vu. In “grabbing” prematurely for a meaning or understanding, you will almost certainly a
bort the developing internal process. Recall Miriam’s session (in Chapter 8), where she learned to trust the spontaneous happenings in her body by suspending her inclination to interpret, judge or understand. With practice she came to deepen her experience, notice her boundaries, heal her unresolved grief from her first marriage and physically open to her suppressed sexuality.
The capacity to stay focused and deepen, focally, is a magnificent skill with great rewards, but it is stepwise and frustrating. Generally, when people are able to get in touch with their bodies, they are drawn first to a painful area. This is OK; in fact, pain (not due to a medical reason) is generally blocked sensation, indicating an area of conflict.a You will gradually learn to tease out these places of discord and progressively resolve them. But first and foremost you must learn to maintain focus and differentiate various spontaneous bodily (muscular and visceral) sensations.
The term spontaneous is central here. Our limited acquaintance with our body is primarily with doing—namely, how we use our bodies to do what we want. If you observe the goings-on in any gym or health club, you will note that most people are not having an intimate relationship with their bodies. Rather, they are burning calories or building what they perceive to be an attractive shape. Even athletes (with the exception of some gymnasts, dancers and graceful individuals), more often than not, have very limited body awareness. To burrow into the world of spontaneous sensations and feelings takes a radically different approach than merely feeling the form and function of our bodies.
Review: Interoception, Contacting the Internal Self
In an Unspoken Voice Page 32