What’s in a Username?
How about love at first “site?”
Most people don’t give their dating username much thought. “It’s just some silly little tag so people will recognize me and I’ll get e-mails.” Wrong! Your username is the real first impression you make with people.
Think of your username as you would a pair of shoes. Go on a date with cheap, dirty, worn-out shoes and they speak volumes about you before you even open your mouth. Wear clean, well-kept, fashionable shoes and they tell a different story. Same goes for your username, and it can say it fast, as Kimi and “toothsleuth” found out.
Kimi, a divorced mother of three, was lonely. “I just wanted some intelligent conversation,” she confided to me. “I knew nothing about Internet dating.”
At her 17-year-old daughter’s urging, Kimi signed up for a one-week trial on a dating site she found on Google. Cupid must have been stalking her that night, because within five minutes of exploring the site, Kimi came across a username that caught her eye. She took the plunge—her first click.
“I’m a nurse,” she told me, “and I was looking for someone intelligent, just to chat with. I noticed this username and it made me think this guy might be in healthcare. Anyway, I clicked and said ‘Hi.’ Thirty seconds later I got a reply. ‘How are you?’
“For the next six days I was never so tired in my life. For three days we chatted online from eleven o’clock in the evening until three o’clock in the morning, then we switched to the telephone and talked long into the wee small hours. I saw the sun come up three days in a row. He was so interesting and articulate, and the time flew by for both of us as we shared our stories, our thoughts, and our dreams. Then we met in person. That was a year ago. We both have kids and they have since become firm friends. And me and my dentist, ‘toothsleuth’? We’re inseparable. We have lots in common, although our personalities are very different. I’m outgoing and he’s very reserved. I don’t believe in soul mates, at least I didn’t, but it’s like he’s the other side of me. Thank heaven for his username.”
The moral of this story is that every little piece of your online presence counts. Give your username some serious thought and, if you’re looking for someone who shares your values and motivations, consider choosing a username that reflects them and sends a subtle message. Names like “greatatfrenchin3224” and “heysweet-pants786” strongly suggest you’re not looking for a long-term meaningful relationship. On the other hand, if you’re into horses, you might use something like “bridle-power.” If the law is your thing, maybe “legaleagle.” And if photography is your passion, “softfocus” is going to get you responses from people who know what you’re talking about. Replace “softfocus” with “gaussianblur” (if you have to look this up, you get the point) and you’re narrowing the field even more.
Your Headline, or Hook
Newspaper and magazine editors use headlines to hook their readers. “Matt Damon One-on-One.” “The Dirt on Cleaning Wineglasses.” “Help! My Teen Is Driving Me Crazy!” These are all headlines I found in my local newspaper, each carefully aimed at a different type of “hot button” for different types of people. Hot buttons are emotional triggers like health, curiosity, money, greed, fear, safety, status, and love. A hot-button hook is a word or phrase that ignites excitement, curiosity, fear, or any other passionate response.
Advertisers use different types of hooks to hit different hot buttons. There’s the Question Hook for curiosity. “When was the last time you pampered your feet?” The Action Hook for excitement. “How to be the life of any party!” The Intrigue Hook for curiosity. “Zorro was really an Irishman.” The Character Hook for romance. “I didn’t think this day would ever come.” The Mood Hook goes straight for the senses: “Laughter was coming from rooms all around us.” There are other kinds of hooks, but I think you get the idea. Hooks are provocative, lighthearted, eye-catching words or statements.
The intrigue hook is generally a statement, and is designed to arouse curiosity.
Take a look at the headlines people use on dating sites. Over and over again you see hooks like “Giving it one last chance,” “Nevergrowdup,” “Tired of looking,” or “Waiting to be swept off my feet!!!” These shout desperation and make you want to say, “Next.”
Try writing a bunch of different hooks, trying different approaches. See what works best for you, but if you’re feeling stymied, go for an Intrigue Hook. The Intrigue Hook is generally a statement, not a question, and is designed to arouse curiosity. It should be positive, captivating, and upbeat. Just like photographers read photography magazines and golfers read golf magazines, you can make the most out of your hook by tailoring it to specific websites. DateMyPet.com, HorseandCountrySingles.com, and NerdsatHeart.com would all call for different approaches: different sites—different hot buttons—different hooks.
If you want to find a vegetarian soul mate go to Veggielove.com and try “Crudité for the faint of heart.” Want to find yourself a down-home country girl? Go to FarmersOnly.com and try the title of my friend Laura Schaefer’s wonderful book about the best and the worst personal ads, Man with Farm Seeks Woman with Tractor. If you’re looking for sailing fanatics, find a dating site that caters to sailors and use a nautical hook, like “Celestial navigation makes my day.” A glider pilot might use “Love under the radar.” How about someone who loves cooking? “Scrambled eggs at midnight.” A musician might opt for something like “Don’t buy music from strangers!” Stay away from pedestrian, negative, or clichéd headlines like “Ordinary gal, ordinary life,” “Heartbroken widower,” “Hey there, ladies,” or “Nothing better to do.” They’re about as exciting as instructions for boiling water. Other groaners like “black tie to blue jeans,” “work hard/play hard,” “partners in crime,” “love to laugh,” “live life to the fullest,” and “easygoing and down to earth,” say more about your imagination (or lack thereof) than your desirability. Be honest, but avoid anything that smacks of the pathetic, needy, or arrogant.
Your Photo
I spent the first half of my adult life shooting fashion and lifestyle pictures for international clients like Revlon and Coca-Cola, as well as dozens of covers for fashion magazines, so I know a little about what it takes to create a compelling still image. Some things are obvious: Eye contact with the camera signals trust and openness; a genuine smile signals approachability, confidence, and happiness; and open body language (no hugging your arms or knees tightly to your body, no hunching your shoulders up around your ears) signals you’re open as a person.
The photo you put up with your profile should make you look desirable and special, and inspire the imagination. There’s no excuse for the wrong exposure, bad lighting, unpleasant skin tones, red eye, bad angles, or crummy surroundings. Bad hair and sallow skin tones make you look unhealthy. Get some good photos taken, both head shots and full body shots. Don’t be tempted to use your corporate head shot or driver’s license snap.
If possible, have a professional take a good lifestyle shot. If not, ask a friend to take some pictures. Be patient in your search for good results. A lifestyle portrait generally looks more intimate when the subject is leaning (slightly) forward or sideways with one elbow on something, and when his or her shoulders are not as symmetrical as they would be in a passport photo. Look at a few fashion magazine covers and you’ll see what I mean.
Your clothes and surroundings speak volumes about your personality. Overflowing cleavage, tattered T-shirts, and ratty hair send the wrong signal. Crouching on top of a hotel entertainment unit and winking at the camera, sitting on a worn-out sofa with a poodle under one arm and a teddy bear under the other when you’re plainly in your mid-fifties, or standing with a group of people in parkas by the side of a bus with a caption reading “That’s me on the left” (yes, these are really out there) is more likely to strike a panic button than a hot one.
Shoot with good lighting! It’s amazing how many photos on dating sites look as if they were ta
ken on the dullest, gloomiest, most miserable day of the year. And please, no sunglasses. People want to see your eyes. Think quality, simplicity, and freshness—and let the light in your eyes shine through!
Cultivate a hint of mystery. In almost every photo you see of the late Princess Diana, she appears to have an open and direct gaze, yet there’s also a sense of something else going on, some enigmatic element that leaves the viewer wanting to know more about her. It’s like she’s thinking, “I know something you don’t know.”
One last tip: Make sure your photo matches, or at least doesn’t contradict, your hook and your profile. I saw one ad with the headline “Dynamic Man, Dynamic Life.” Yet the guy in the photo looked as if he was about to fall asleep, with his eyes half closed, his posture slumped, his jaw slack. Who knows, maybe his dynamic life had exhausted him, but the wiped-out guy in the picture simply wiped out the impact of his words.
Your Profile Copy
The substance of your message is what you write in your profile. In advertising it’s called the body copy. On some sites this takes the form of a general paragraph, but on many you’ll be required to answer a few questions in such categories as “About Me,” “About You,” “My Interests,” etc. Whatever form it takes, in just a hundred or so words, the copy should do two things: First, let the reader imagine how being with you will satisfy some of their needs, wants, fears, or desires without coming out and saying it directly. Second, interest them enough so they’ll want to meet you in person.
How do you do this? Create stories from the workbook exercises on pages 323–327. Harvest words and sentences with emotional associations that grow out of your thoughts. Give your first paragraph impact. The first sentences should promise excitement, adventure, humor, interest, or even romance. As an example, here’s a lively profile from a woman named Olivia.
“On a good day, I’ve been told that I resemble Uma Thurman …”
About me:
“… on one really bad day, Willem Dafoe. In my wayward youth (before getting an Ivy grad degree) I saw more Dead shows than you. I love architecture, The New Yorker, dogs, children, NPR, Babbo, depressed Jewish songwriters, Moby, steak for two, and the Sunday puzzle. I knit and drive stick (but not at the same time), and on any given night I might be eating at a new restaurant, volunteering at a homeless shelter, or mucking about in the garden of my country house. I modeled a little but it was hardly glamorous (although I was in one magazine you’d tell your friends about). I am, in general, happy and kind (albeit a bit snarky).”
This profile paints word pictures and reveals character, values, and motivations, as well as showing (rather than telling) that she has a sense of humor. Right off the top you know she’s not looking for just anyone.
Olivia continues:
I am looking for:
“A smart, funny, kind man who owns a suit (but isn’t one), has a favorite book (just not The Fountainhead), and loves red wine and a big steak. Ideally plays the ukulele. The Swiss Army knife of boyfriends (i.e., handy, attractive, and able to open wine bottles and scale fish). I make fun of Skippy McButters (thumping bores found at benefits) and yet have served on a benefit committee myself. No ‘teases’ please! They are annoying.”
My perfect first date:
“I glance away from the bore at the crowded bar who’s trying to pick me up with an unbelievably lame line* and see you. You look, shockingly, exactly like your photo. You are disgustingly charming and make me blush.”
Just like in a movie, with each paragraph Olivia reveals more of her character.
It got the results she wanted. Olivia found her matched opposite and they’ve been happily married for four years.
If you want to motivate someone in print, show them, don’t tell. It’s amazing, though, how many people write, “I’m funny”—but don’t say anything remotely funny in their profiles!
Don’t tell someone you’re caring—show them. “I teach archery to children on Saturday mornings. I spend more time cleaning mud off …”
Instead of telling people you’re intelligent and smart, show them. “Lucky or smart? I guess I’ll soon find out. I’m done with the MBA program that has consumed me for the past year and a half.”
* Lame line: “You know you need a number in order to get a drink here. What, you don’t have one? Here, take mine!”
Keep it interesting. People like to be entertained and inspired. You can’t bore people into dating you. You can only interest them in doing it. Ninety percent of profiles begin with “I.” Fifty percent confess they are honest, friendly, and lost. People want you to be interesting more than they want to be told you’re decent, hard-working, caring, sharing, confident, realistic, and nice! Let them figure that out for themselves.
Be specific. Instead of saying, “I like sports and eating out” say, “I love the Mets and a great steak at Peter Luger.” Look at the examples I’ve provided earlier and you’ll see the Sunday puzzle, Uma Thurman, a tractor, archery, a great steak, and many more word pictures.
Under-promise and over-deliver. Successful businesses know this is the best way to build trust, satisfaction, and loyalty. Under-promise by about 5 percent and the people you meet will be pleasantly surprised every time. And be truthful: One woman I spoke with spent several weeks e-mailing a man who claimed to be 40, but when they finally met he was closer to 60. His explanation? “Younger women didn’t write to me when I put my real age.” Needless to say, the relationship went nowhere.
Finally, one of the simplest, and yet most persuasive tools of advertising: It’s called a springboard. A springboard is a simple psychological technique used to make a strength stand out by bouncing it off a weakness. Here’s an example: “We may not be the cheapest airline in the marketplace, but we have the best safety record.” The weakness is a true statement that shows, rather than tells, that you are honest and human. The strength now shines even more brightly in contrast. In advertising, springboards are used to build loyalty and trust. They do the same thing in online dating. In your profile, you might springboard by saying, “I might not be the best looking guy on the block, but I look great in a tux.” Olivia used a reverse springboard at the top of her profile (starting with a strength, following with a weakness).
Quick Profile-Writing Tips
• Write short paragraphs, and avoid ten-dollar words. You don’t want people to get bogged down.
• Keep it classy: Lines like “Wanna take me for a roll in the hay?” or “A six-pack of beer and a broad are all I really need” are not going to land you a soul mate. Don’t brag and boast, and stay away from superlatives like “the best, the greatest, the coolest.”
• Ask a friend to check to make sure your personality comes through in what you say and how you say it.
• Even if it’s true, never come out and say you’re looking for a soul mate—it’s scary to some people.
• Keep it fresh by periodically changing your headline and copy, and update your photos at least once a year.
• Use Spell Check and Grammar Check.
• Don’t create multiple user profiles for yourself; you’ll just get mixed up and come across as a phony.
A Word to the Wise
Get a separate e-mail address for dating. It’ll keep that part of your life a little separate from your work and social lives. Also, in the event that you meet someone and things don’t work out but the person continues to write you, you can at least sequester their messages in that account.
Getting the Ball Rolling
So you’ve posted your profile on the sites, you feel good about everything, and now you’re anxiously checking your e-mail for results. It’s exciting, but it’s easy to become impatient, tense, and judgmental and then start making excuses and beating yourself up. It’s hard to resist these feelings, but they won’t help you now: In fact they’ll do the exact opposite. We make bad decisions when we are in a negative space, whether we’re playing tennis or Internet dating. Feeling down, insecure, or negative ab
out dating, or yourself, clouds your thinking. Finding a way to release your judgmental feelings is crucial at this stage. You have done the work. Now, just let go.
Figure Out What Works for You
It’s probably going to take some time and a little trial and error before you feel like you really know the ropes and have determined how to make online dating work for you. You might make some mistakes, correspond with a few duds, and go on some bad dates before fully figuring out how you want to handle things. But once you do, stick with what works for you. Maya, for example, preferred not to speak on the phone before meeting. “I found it awkward,” she said. “Plus, I didn’t want to be caught off-guard at odd hours, I didn’t want guys I disliked having my number, and I didn’t want to rack my brains to figure out which one it was.”
This doesn’t mean you should passively sit back and wait for Prince or Princess Charming to find you. Check out the profiles on the sites you’ve joined. To avoid looking through 20,000 profiles on five sites, you can search for key words that will generate likely matches: for example, a favorite musician, author, or pastime; where you went to college; or whatever you want. If you encounter someone whom you think you’d like to meet, write to him or her immediately. All it takes is a few sentences, since he or she will be able to read your online profile to get the bigger picture.
Don’t be shy about writing. A short sweet note, saying something specific you liked about a profile, is perfect. Look for common ground (shared interests or tastes) and “Me too” moments (more on this on page 215).
How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less Page 8