She says she’s not sure about her schedule but asks for his phone number. This is obviously not the first time Genna has lost an earring when she’s sitting close to an attractive guy! By involving him in an amusing predicament, she’s lured him into conversation, learned enough to know that she’s really attracted to him, engineered a subtly sexual moment (getting close enough to show him the other earring), and maneuvered him into asking her out. Had she decided she wasn’t interested after all, she could have been less forthcoming or, if it went that far, turned down his offer to meet. They would have continued to talk graciously for a minute or two, then wished each other a pleasant flight and gone their separate ways.
Private Flirting
Now that we’ve looked at the principles behind the ancient and respected art of flirting, it’s time to put those principles to work for you through private flirting. Unlike public and social flirting, private flirting is strictly about sex appeal—not the sort that’s for public consumption, but the one-on-one sort. It’s about two people detecting and responding to each other’s energy.
When you’re with someone who may be your matched opposite and the clock is ticking, you’d better know how to flirt one-on-one and show off your sex appeal; if not, your burgeoning relationship can very easily slip into just-friends mode. Consider this next section the Kama Sutra of flirting.
Flirting Is for Everyone
If you feel flirting-challenged, or if you feel that you’re not attractive or clever or interesting enough to get away with it, don’t worry. Flirting, in general, has more to do with playfulness and vitality than with broad shoulders or a pretty face. Dr. Monica Moore, a psychologist at Webster University in St. Louis, has conducted research on the flirting techniques used in singles bars, shopping malls, and places young people go to meet each other. She concluded that it’s not the most physically appealing people who get approached, but the ones who signal their availability and confidence through basic flirting techniques like eye contact and smiles. Just signaling your interest in someone gets you halfway there, whether you’re a man or a woman.
Toning Up Your Sexual Vibes
To get to love, you have to learn how to muster and harness your sexual energy and then deliver it as part of your overall personality package. Sound daunting? Actually it’s a piece of cake—or rather, four pieces, which I call getting physical, getting grounded, making eyes, and practice dating.
Getting Physical
Getting physical is about getting in touch with your body through exercise—a necessity, since sexuality is deeply bound up in your physical, animal self. To be a really effective private flirt, you have to be deeply, viscerally attuned to that part of you.
You might have already gotten involved in a new physical activity as part of your socializing action plan, but if not, sign up for some classes. Even a one- or two-week program will do the trick. Skydiving, kickboxing, belly dancing, yoga, tennis, weight lifting, tae kwon do, rumba lessons—anything in which your body is 100 percent involved. Find the best instructor or association around. He or she will be your first flirt ally, helping you tune in to your own physical awareness.
If you’re exercising individually, avoid distractions like watching TV on the treadmill or listening to a Walkman while you jog. Instead, listen to your body by cycling your awareness over and over from your pelvis to the pit of your stomach to your chest to your throat, and back to your pelvis. This sets your sexual energy in motion.
Getting Grounded
In the story at the beginning of this chapter, you noticed that Kira moved at half the speed of Charlene. Kira was grounded; she knew how to breathe. When you control your breath you automatically calm your nerves and relax, which in turn allows you to control your mind and your body and expand your power and energy.
There may be times when you’re dating or approaching people and you suddenly feel nervous or anxious or inadequate. You want to make a run for it. This is because you’ve entered panic mode or, at the very least, your fight or flight mechanism has kicked in and involuntarily put you into flight mode. When this mechanism picks up signals that you are nervous or uncomfortable with a situation, it starts to pump adrenaline and shifts your breathing into your chest—so you are literally ready for a quick sprint for the hills. Unfortunately, your partner may pick up on this and also experience discomfort, and the whole thing can start to come undone. But stay calm. This is where belly breathing (or diaphragmatic inhalation, to give it its proper name) comes in, helping to ground you. I won’t go into the vast science behind belly breathing; suffice it to say that when you breathe by pushing out your belly, your diaphragm is pulled down, which in turn allows your lungs to fill to capacity, give or take a few nooks and crannies at the top. This puts more oxygen into your blood with less effort from your heart. As a result, you literally slow down, that panicky feeling subsides, and you can resume encouraging your chosen one to fall in love with you, sans sweaty palms and shallow breath.
To be an effective private flirt, you have to be deeply attuned to your physical self.
As well as being the most efficient way to breathe, diaphragmatic inhalation also massages your abdominal organs with every breath and improves your circulation, so get into the habit to enhance both your emotional and physical well-being. Over the next few days, whenever you can, place one hand on your chest and the other on your abdomen, and practice breathing in and out until the hand on your navel is the only one that moves.
EXERCISE: Men Swagger, Women Saunter
Guys, if you never saw Saturday Night Fever, you missed the best swagger routine ever filmed: John Travolta’s famous walk down the street to the Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive.” Rent the movie and buy two pairs of the most expensive, sexiest underwear you can find. (I’ll explain why in a minute.) Watch the film, then put on a pair of your fancy new briefs (and the rest of your clothes!) and go for a swagger. Walk down the street, along the boardwalk, or through the mall with a smile on your face and “Stayin’ Alive” playing in your head, and try to make eye contact with every attractive woman you see. Don’t stop until you feel you’re the sexiest guy in town. Just remember to keep it subtle.
Ladies, buy a copy of Stan Getz and Astrud Gilberto performing the song “The Girl from Ipanema” and two pairs of the sexiest, most expensive panties you can find. Learn at least the first verse by heart, up to and including, “and when she passes, each one she passes goes, ‘ahhh.’” Then put on a pair of those panties and your other clothes, and go for a saunter. Take the dog for a walk, or stroll to the office or to class. As you hear the music in your mind, lower your head ever so slightly, make eye contact, and smile at those lucky enough to be blessed by your attention.
This exercise is a must. You have to bring your sexiness to the surface if you’re going to make a deep connection with another person. If you can’t feel your sexiness, no one else will.
Oh, here’s why the sexy, expensive underwear: because you’re going to have The Look written all over your face, the one that says, “I have a secret!” And I told you to buy two pairs because you’re going to wear the other, brand-new pair when you go out with your matched opposite. That should keep a smile on your face!
Making Eyes
The word flirt in its current meaning dates back to mid-eighteenth-century England, where Lady Frances Shirley is credited with coining the term fan flirts to describe women who used the flitting rhythm of their fans (in combination with their eyes and mouths) to tease and send sexual signals. Public use of the fan may be gone, but flirting is still first and foremost about “making eyes.”
Flirting begins with the eyes because, as in most face-to-face communication, your signals go where your eyes go. After that you can flirt with your mouth (a smile, a pout), with your personality, with your shyness or your coyness, or with your sense of humor. You can flirt with words or with food and drinks. You can flirt for business or for pleasure, with goals or without. The possibilities are endless, but fir
st you must make eyes.
Flirting begins with the eyes because, as in most face-to-face communication, your signals go where your eyes go.
Most of you know what it’s like when you drive at night and shift your car headlights from high beam to low beam. They go from shining straight out in front to slightly lower down and a little more spread out, from illuminating the distance to illuminating the space immediately ahead, from dazzling drivers coming toward you to letting them know you’ve seen them and that it’s safe to keep coming.
You can and must do the same thing when you are with your date. The most irresistible and sensual technique in flirting one-on-one is to make eye contact with your man or woman, then shift your gaze every five or ten seconds from their eyes to their mouth, then back again. This was how a fan flirt would beguile her suitors, first using the fan to hide her mouth and reveal only her eyes (as she gazed from her partner’s eyes to his mouth and back again), then, while she looked him in the eye, lowering the fan to reveal her own mouth while lowering her eyes to gaze at his mouth. All the while she would use the gentle rhythm of the fan strokes to intensify the sexual innuendo. After a heart-stopping moment, she would cover her mouth again with the fan and bring her eyes back to his. Yow! Throw in a gentle tilt of the head at the right moment and the slightest lowering of the head and you have a loving symphony of inviting body language—all from the neck up.
Don’t bother with the fan, but do alternate your gaze from the eyes to the mouth when talking with your date. It’s a very, very subtle move but make no mistake: It signals sex.
You will have to practice your eye work, so choose a few people from your daily life on whom to try out these techniques. Be aware of your own body, belly breathe low and slow, synchronize your body language, and make eyes as you talk.
Looking and Loving
“Love was just a glance away,” Frank Sinatra sang in the song “Strangers in the Night,” and boy, was he right. A slow, deliberate gaze across a crowded room, or better still, while walking slowly toward the person, will let him or her know you’re interested. Just remember we’re talking gaze here, not a steely stare or a loony gawk.
In a study to determine the effects of the mutual gaze on feelings of romantic love, researchers at Clark University in Massachusetts had 48 pairs of male and female strangers gaze deeply into each others’ eyes without looking away for various lengths of time. The subjects reported significant feelings of affection and even passionate love for each other.
Practice Dating
You wouldn’t go for your driving test without practicing first and you wouldn’t bake an apple pie for your favorite uncle without testing the recipe, so why on earth would you go on an important date without practicing first? Here’s where your next group of flirting allies steps up to the plate.
Arrange two or three “safe dates” with people you feel good with: a friend, someone you haven’t seen in a while, someone’s brother. Just don’t pick someone with whom you already have a well-established pattern of behavior, which you might slip back into without thinking. These low-stakes dates are to help you practice your new skills and evaluate what you feel good about and what needs work, but without the attendant anxiety of a real date and real expectations. The more you practice dating, the better you’ll get, but two practice dates is the absolute minimum you’ll need before you go on a real date with someone who could be your matched opposite. Some good places for a practice date would be a miniature golf course, a bowling alley, the zoo, a trade show, an exhibition, a pottery class, maybe even an art gallery. This type of place provides you with an activity that will help to break the ice and gives you something to talk about. You’re not going to seduce the person or make them want to give up the world for you, but you are going to make them feel warm and tender towards you. Remember, ask lots of questions and share information about yourself. Look for “Me too” moments and try an incidental touch or two. Act like an adult, be aware of your body and your sexuality, practice your eye work, belly breathe, synchronize, have fun, and above all keep the conversation and the mood upbeat and positive.
Now He’s Talking Her Language
One of the most profound ways you can be matched with someone else is through the way you both “make sense” of the world around you. We do this by taking information from the outside world in through our senses and then putting these sensory experiences into words.
In our day-to-day lives we rely mainly on three senses: sight, sound, and touch (or, more broadly, physical sensation). As we move through childhood, each of us starts without consciously realizing it to develop a favorite among our senses to help us understand the world: Some rely more on the way things look, some on the way things sound, and others on how things feel. Although matched opposites tend not to be matched in their primary sense preferences, here’s an example of why this is important when you’re making someone fall in love with you.
Ben has decided he can just as easily read through his notes for tomorrow’s presentation at a beachfront café as he can in the office. Now he’s sitting on the patio, trying not to get too distracted by the colorful parade of people strolling, rollerblading, or walking their dogs along the boardwalk. Jackie, a graduate student who comes here all the time in the spring, is at the next table cramming for an upcoming midterm exam.
When the waiter comes over, Jackie orders a double espresso and a slice of almond cake. Without realizing it (maybe), Ben orders the same thing. The waiter notices and gives a little mental shrug. When he comes back, he puts Jackie’s order in front of her and says, “One double espresso, one almond cake,” then moves over to Ben’s table and says the same thing exactly the same way. Ben and Jackie look at each other and laugh.
Twenty minutes later the waiter returns. Ben orders another coffee and takes the opportunity to lean over and ask Jackie, “Same again?”
“Thanks. Maybe later.” She smiles.
After an hour or so and a little playful flirting through eye contact and smiles, Ben and Jackie get to talking. Now it’s near the end of the day. Ben plucks up his courage and decides to take things a step further.
Although he’s not aware of it, Ben is a visual person, one who’s learned to respond to the world through the way things look. “Do you want to take a walk down the beach to see the sunset?” he suggests. “I love the way the sky changes color so fast, and seeing the lights come on in the cafés as it gets dark. It’s such a great sight.” Did you notice? Ben talks about the way things look.
As we move through childhood, each of us starts without consciously realizing it to develop a favorite among our senses to help us understand the world.
“I don’t know,” Jackie replies. “I don’t think I feel like it. I’m comfortable here for a little while longer and then I’ve got to go. But thanks.” Did she say feel and comfortable? Maybe Jackie can’t easily relate to Ben’s little sketch of the sunset. Why? Because Jackie is a touchy-feely kind of person who has learned to rely more on the way things feel, and make her decisions accordingly. Jackie is kinesthetic.
Fortunately, Ben has read about the different ways people process experiences, so he recognizes Jackie’s choice of words and also notices her comfortable, baggy clothes. He also notes that she speaks rather slowly and often looks down when she’s thinking. The way to her heart, then, is to tell her how it’ll feel, not look, to go for a walk along the beach at sunset. Ben tries again.
“You know what I like most though about walking on the beach?” he asks.
“No,” she says. “What?”
“It’s the softness of the sand, and the way the water swirls up around your ankles, and that sort of salty warm mist that hangs in the air around you. You know what I mean?”
Jackie tilts her head and grins. “Hmm. Now you’re making me feel like I’ve earned a break. Why not?” She shuts her books, stuffs them into her backpack, and gives it a playful slap. “Hold on for a minute—I’ll just go freshen up.”
If
Jackie had been an auditory person instead of a kinesthetic person, he would have noticed that her gaze tended to drift sideways either to the left or right (toward her ears) when she’s thinking, or if she talks about the way things sound. In that situation, he would have done well to invite her for a walk along the beach by saying something like, “You know what I like most about walking on the beach? The sound of the waves as they break, and that gentle hiss as the surf glides up the sand, and the gulls calling overhead, and the sounds of the music as it drifts out from the cafés, and. …”
When you match yourself up with another person’s favorite sense, you are not only talking the same language, but also seeing through the same eyes, hearing through the same ears, and feeling through the same feelings—and that can be a powerfully seductive thing.
Which description of the walk along the beach did you most easily relate to?
Where to Go on a Date?
More than anything, a date requires talking. That rules out movies, sports events, and other super noisy (or super silent) locations. When planning any real date, ask yourself these four questions:
• Is it somewhere he or she will feel safe?
• Is it something he or she will enjoy?
• Is it somewhere we can talk?
• Is it different? This is not going to be a normal event; it’s supposed to be special, for both of you. Normal is easy; it’s everywhere. This event needs an original context.
Keep in mind, if you’ve met your matched opposite, you may be remembering and talking about this date for the rest of your life. Make it special.
How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less Page 17