Desegregation intensifies the sexual component of heterosexual interactions, but society fails to provide any acceptable models for sexual interactions. The consequent doubts and anxieties are evident in the following letters.
TAZA, 13 MARCH 1971
LETTER 46
To the religious scholar Moulay Mustapha
Sir,
I was in love with a young man. He asked me to let him kiss and caress me. I gave in to his demands. I was encouraged in doing so by a girlfriend, but we did not go as far as having intercourse. After a while I discovered that he was not serious about our relation and I kept away from him. And I promised myself that I would never commit such sinful practices again. Is what I have done permissible or forbidden by Islam? What can I do to erase such sin? Thank you! Thank you!
Rabat, 14 June 1971
LETTER 100
From Miss K ..... to his highness Pr. M.M.
I send you a perfumed salutation,
Is it permissible for a young unmarried girl who is not engaged to be kissed by a man who is not engaged to her and does not intend to marry her? I will be very thankful if You can answer my question with as many details as you can. Many thanks, sir.
A content analysis of the 402 letters reveals that sexuality (presented in terms of questions about love, marriage, deviant practices, and so on) seems to be one of the preoccupations of the letter-writers. The majority of the letters ask about the permissibility or non-permissibility of sexual actions from the religious point of view. Most of the questions are about acts – like swimming ‘nude’ (a woman is ‘nude’ if she is not veiled) on a mixed-sex beach or being kissed by someone other than the legal husband – that are illicit and sinful according to tradition. Interaction between the sexes, though increasing, is still an unusual phenomenon in Moroccan society. Traditional, absolute segregation between the sexes continues to pervade many par is of the country.
Sexual Problems in Rural Areas
A survey of some rural areas1 revealed that each village controls its youth so closely that young men have no access to women and engage in sexual practices considered deviant by their society’s standards. For example, of those who answered a questionnaire:
14% confessed practising masturbation or sodomy;
20% practise homosexuality;
34% go to a brothel in the nearest town as often as they can afford it.2
In the absence of thorough studies of the sexual practices of Moroccan youth as a whole, we can draw no firm conclusions about sexual problems in general. But it is clear that sexual segregation is still a reality for rural youth.
Almost two-thirds of Morocco’s fifteen million people live in rural areas,3 and 56 percent of the total population are under twenty.4 In the rural areas surveyed, 87 percent of the people were under twenty-one, and 78 percent of these youths dreamed of going to live in town. One of the reasons they gave for that preference was that women are available in towns.
In town there are as many girls as you want.
You can find brothels only in towns.
In town women walk with heads uncovered, wearing short dresses; you can always take a chance with them.5
Sexual segregation is enforced in one village with a characteristically violent censure.
If you try to leave the village with a girl who is more than twelve years old, more than thirty people will follow you. They start throwing stones and shouting at you. It is not like in town; you need to take so many precautions.6
Because of the restrictions on heterosexual encounters, the rural Moroccan male is brought to perceive women solely in terms of sexual need; both in and outside marriage women are merely a more suitable way of satisfying sexual needs than animals or other males.
At the age of seventeen I became aware of what was going on. I left animals and friends [with whom he practised homosexuality] because I realized it was detrimental to my energy. I learned that one can find whores in the centre of B _______. When I don’t have money I don’t hesitate to steal something so that I can go about my business.7
Most young men are resentful of being forced into sexual practices they abhor. They dream of getting married, and do so as soon as they can find a job, which is rather difficult. Unemployment, which takes the form of under-employment in the countryside, often reaches dizzying proportions.8 According to the 1971 census,9 those suffering most from unemployment are from fifteen to twenty-four years old. When looking for a job for the first time, 83 percent of this group cannot find one.10 The young men resent the fact that older men who have more money monopolize and marry most of the young girls.
I fell in love with a girl in the village and she was aware of it. I didn’t have any money. . . . A civil servant [a man who has a job and comes from a more important urban centre] came along and took away the girl I loved. So, I will not hide this from you, I went back to animals again.11
In the most traditional rural society, there are no unmarried adolescent girls. A survey done by Malika Belghiti among the female rural population reveals that 50 percent of the girls are married before they reach puberty, and another 37 percent marry during the first two years following puberty.12 One way rural society avoids the problem of sexual love between young people seems to be to have girls marry young.
According to my interviews, the ideal age for marriage in the traditional structure is thirteen. Early marriage is seen as a prestigious event in a woman’s life. It implies that she was beautiful enough to be asked for early. Only ugly, unattractive girls marry late. Without exception, all the women interviewed said they married before having their first period and when asked to give a specific age they said thirteen. I had the chance to check on one of them. I asked a childhood friend of hers if she remembered when Mrs. F ________ got married.
She lied to you! She was a very old girl when she got married. She was a problem for her family. Haven’t you noticed that she is rather homely?
(How old do you think she was when she got married?) I swear she must have been at least twenty! I wish I was there when you were interviewing her. She wouldn’t have dared to indulge herself. And how could you believe it? No one will call her a beauty, and don’t tell me it is old age! She was always as ugly as famine days.
In urban Morocco girls seem to marry much later. A family-planning survey conducted by the government in 196613 revealed that the ideal age of marriage for girls in towns is much later than puberty.
Ideal Age at Marriage
For Men
For Women
According to Men
23
17
According to Women
25
19
Young men in towns have a chance to seek adolescent women of their own age and think about marrying them, while in rural settings all the young girls belong to husbands already.
Sexual Problems in Urban Areas
Our data deals mainly with urban problems; 70 percent of the letters come from urban centres. They convey the idea that sexual segregation in the city is not as absolute as it is in rural areas: young men actually do have access to women, often older and/or married women.
CASABLANCA, 1971
LETTER 89
I am a fifteen-year-old high-school student. Please guide me. Here is my problem: there is a married maid in our house. She cannot bear children; she is sterile. I used to be with her often and I used to visit her in her house and then I started sleeping with her. I mean, commiting zina with her. I did this many times. Please guide me. What can I do to redeem myself?
CASABLANCA, 16 JANUARY 1971
LETTER 169
I am a twenty-year-old man. I am trapped by a problem that I cannot solve. In our neighbourhood lives a 35-yearold woman who has children but no husband. I made advances to her once and what was bound to happen happened. I am asking God for forgiveness. After that I kept away from her. Two years have passed since then and now I look at her differently, as if she was my mother or my sister. In fact, our rela
tion has evolved into a respectful, brotherly relation.
Now I am coming to the subject. This woman has a seventeen-year-old daughter who used to live with her grandmother and who has just come to stay with her mother. At the beginning I never paid much attention to her, but I noticed her kind manner towards me. I also noticed that she was very affectionate towards me. One day she confessed to me that she was in love with me and I responded to her affections...
But I can’t forget what happened between her mother and me and often I am torn between my love for her and the desire to flee from her. She is an ideal girl for me and I feel a lot of affection for her. Once she extracted from me the promise to marry her. 14 Moreover, my mother suggested her as a possible bride for me. I am trapped. There is no reason I should refuse. Is this marriage possible, is it licit according to religious law?15
But most of the letters reveal that young men in towns seek contact with girls of the same age, want to marry them, and when they succeed in getting engaged, go further than a kiss.
CASABLANCA, 17 MAY 1971
LETTER 180
Sir,
I am twenty-three years old. I met a girl who is nineteen. I fell in love with her and went to her parents and asked her hand in marriage. We have had to wait for a while before getting married because I don’t have enough money for that yet.
But one day our sexual desire overwhelmed us and, therefore, I deprived her of her treasure, of her ‘honour’. This happened after we had written the marriage contract though. We don’t want to tell her parents because we have not had the marriage ceremony yet. Does religious law forbid what we did? My bride is as anxious as I because she has to live with her parents until the ceremony can take place.
But not all young men are as lucky as he was. Their desire to marry girls of their own choosing brings strong opposition from their parents. Consequently, sexuality in urban centres often assumes the aspect of a generational conflict between parents and children. Twenty percent of the 402 letters centre on this conflict. They reveal the young people’s inclinations, their parents’ attitudes, and often how the conflict is resolved. An examination of these themes and other variables such as age, sex, and size of the town, gives interesting insight into the shape of the conflict.
Parental Opposition to Love Marriage
The conflict centres on the parents’ customary right to arrange marriage, and the young people’s rejection of this right and insistence upon their right to marry for love. The parents believe the choice of a sexual partner for their daughter or son is their decision. (Incidentally, this gives them tremendous power over their children’s lives.) Young Moroccans claim that they should choose their own sexual partners. The younger the individual, the more likely he is to insist on his right to love as he chooses. Of the letters concerning this conflict, 70 percent are written by teenagers and 30 percent by individuals between twenty and twenty-five.
AGADIR, JUNE 1971
LETTER 5
From Mr._______
I am a 22-year-old man. I have a father; I lost my mother when I was a child. My father got married after my mother’s death. I asked my maternal aunt’s daughter to marry me in 1961. [Child engagements have disappeared in general but if there is a strong attraction between young people it is common for the young man to make it known so that no one can take his beloved cousin from him.] My father opposed this marriage, knowing how much I loved this girl. This year I decided to marry her during the summer holidays. My father has announced that he will not be present at my marriage and that he will do whatever he can to prevent it from taking place. He wants to force me to leave the girl I have loved for so many years in order to marry a girl of his choice whom I have never met but who happens to belong to my father’s wife’s family.
How can I solve such a problem? Can I marry the girl I love? What does the religious law say about a person of my age who marries without the father’s approval? What does God say about this? My stepmother is the one who encourages my father to refuse my marriage.
FEZ, 8 JUNE 1971
LETTER 6
I am employed as a clerk in a company. I have a father who lives in the country far from me. I met a girl I want to marry and I promised to marry her and she promised to marry me. I wrote to my father announcing the news, hoping that he would rejoice with me but he did not. He opposes the marriage. He wants me to marry a woman from the country. I cannot do that because I cannot conceive of my life without this girl anymore and if I try to part from her I might find myself in a situation which is dangerous not only for me but for the Muslim umma as well, and for the Muslim religion too.
Please advise me about what is best for us and our religion.
The love protest voiced by young men is echoed by young women. The most fanatical advocates of the couple’s rights, they write 70 percent of the letters about love.
LETTER 7
From Miss_______
I am fifteen years old. A man came and asked for my hand from my parents. He has a bad temper and bad manners. He likes forbidden things like smoking, but kif. [Smoking kif, or hashish, despite what Western tourists think, is considered a shameful addiction.] And of course my parents gave me to him. I have not accepted the marriage and I am not going to. But the problem is that when the contract is about to be written by the justice officer [remember, it is a guardian who gives the girl in marriage], they do not intend to let me know. They intend to take another girl and write a fake contract. Then I will be sacrificed. My last decision if they write the contract is definite: I will commit suicide to free myself from these oppressive people. What does the religious law say concerning parents who fake their daughter’s marriage? I prefer to kill myself whatever the law says.
Nonetheless, while 80 percent of the boys express their intention to marry their beloved, only 20 percent of the girls dare to go as far as that. This is probably because Moroccan girls, however ‘modern’ they may be, agree with their grandmothers, that it is the man who should ask for the girl’s hand and not the other way around. This attitude seems wise and realistic given the fact that according to Moroccan law a woman cannot give herself in marriage: a male guardian has to do that.
The fact that girls do not initiate marriage is probably also the reason why there is a very low percentage of conflicts between parents and daughters as compared with conflicts between parents and sons. Of fourteen cases in which the conflict between parents and offspring had reached a crisis, ten involved the parents’ opposition to the son’s projected marriage.
The main weapon parents use against children seems to be the curse, parents being invested with Allah’s power to curse or bless their children.16 The potential destructiveness of the parents’ curse is dramatized by the traditional fear expressed in sayings and proverbs. One of the most common is:
Who is cursed by parents cannot be saved by saints,
Who is cursed by saints can be saved by parents.
Persons cursed by their parents are likely to fail in whatever they attempt: their marriage will break up; their house will burn; their business enterprise will go bankrupt. In sum, a dreadful fate is to be expected on earth while waiting for hell in the next world. Consequently, parental opposition to children’s marital projects is generally quite effective. Some young people say they feel resentment towards having to choose between their parents’ blessings and their lover; some say they feel rebellious towards their parents but are afraid to act and feel paralysed; some plan to go ahead and act against their parents’ will; finally, some threaten such drastic actions as breaking off relations with their parents or even committing suicide.
Why is Moroccan society, in the form of parental authority, reacting so negatively to the young people’s desire for marriages based on love? Does conjugal love constitute an attack on Islam’s attempt to integrate sexuality into society by subordinating the woman to the authority of her husband and outlawing love between them?
One feature of the sexual patterns that emerged fr
om both the findings on the rural population and my own data on the urban population is that the heterosexual relationship is certainly the locus of change and conflict. Society seems to have a systematically negative attitude towards heterosexual love. In rural areas young people are prevented from forming any heterosexual relationships at all. In urban areas they are prevented from forming any permanent heterosexual relationships based on love.
In rural Morocco young men’s access to young women is subject to strict and apparently effective control.17 In urban centres access seems to be much less restricted. Young people meet frequently enough to fall in love and want to get married. Does this mean that sexual segregation is breaking down in urban areas?
I believe that sexual segregation, one of the main pillars of Islam’s social control over sexuality, is breaking down. And it appears to me that the breakdown of sexual segregation permits the emergence of what the Muslim order condemns as a deadly enemy of civilization: love between men and women in general, and between husband and wife in particular.
Beyond the Veil Page 11