by J. D. Walker
Meg said no more and went back to the stove, checking on the biscuits, stirring gravy, and fixing up a delicious-looking egg scramble—sausage, mushrooms, tomatoes, bell peppers—that made my mouth water. My stomach growled as I drank my coffee while I remained by the icebox.
“You look like you could use some pounds on you, sweetie.”
“It’s likely, ma’am.”
“Call me Meg, dear.”
I smiled. “I’ll try to remember that.” Just as I took another sip, Bear walked into the kitchen, and I almost dropped my cup. Jesus, he was hot. My reaction to this man was getting out of hand. I’d never felt such a powerful pull to anyone else in my life. And it wasn’t just because I hadn’t had sex in years, though that was a part of it. A small part, I kept telling myself.
Weekday Bear was all about work—stiff, polite, stern. But weekend Bear? The man could out-flame fire. He wore a T-shirt that on a smaller man would have been ordinary, but on Bear, not even close. It was well worn, with holes here and there that gave me a peek of hot skin I wanted to taste. It molded to his massive chest like it was a part of him. He wore old gym shorts that showcased legs like tree trunks. I wanted to wrap myself around them and hump. Shit, I needed to get myself under control.
I focused on my coffee, happy that my short-sleeved shirt was long enough to cover my groin and save me from embarrassment. This had never happened to me before. Bear went straight for the carafe and poured himself a cup before kissing Meg on the cheek. He seemed more approachable today, as if the cares of the world could be set aside for a while, and he could be himself and relax a little.
“Morning, Mr. Choi,” he greeted me before helping his sister place the food on the table.
“Morning, sir.”
“His name is Joey, Bear. Why don’t you call him that? You know you want to.” She winked at him and he ignored her. What was she implying?
“Have a seat, Mr. Choi. We don’t stand on ceremony here.”
“Thank you, sir.”
Meg snickered. “You’re both so formal with each other. I think it’s cute.”
“Enough, Meg,” Bear growled, just like his nickname implied, before pulling out a chair for his sister at the table.
As we filled our plates, Meg asked, “You have someone picking you up this morning, Joey?”
“My brother Derrick, ma…Meg. He’ll be here in an hour or so.” I slathered a biscuit with gravy and stuffed it into my mouth so I wouldn’t blurt out anything stupid. Like how hot Bear was, his lips moist from licking them.
“Older or younger?” she continued.
I swallowed what I’d chewed. “Older.” I stole a glance at Bear. He was busy scarfing down his food, but I could tell he was paying attention to what was said.
“Married?” Man, she was relentless, but her smile was all innocence.
I chuckled. “He might as well be. He and Paul are practically attached at the hip.”
“And you?”
“Stop, Meg,” Bear intervened. “He needs to eat sometime.”
Her grin was sheepish. “Forgive me. I tend to run off at the mouth.”
I wiped my lips with a napkin. “It’s not a problem.”
The three of us finished our meal with Bear and Meg conversing and me just listening in. Bear even laughed, once. Man, those dimples were delicious. I tried not to be too obvious and had second-helpings of everything before I was full.
“That was wonderful, Meg. Thank you so much, and you Mr. Lancett, for the invitation.”
“Anytime, sweetie,” she replied. “You’re always welcome in my kitchen.” Bear made no comment.
I stood. “Can I help you with the dishes?”
She grinned and tapped Bear lightly on the wrist. “Doesn’t he have nice manners?” He grunted, nothing more. “I’ll be fine. You go on out front and wait for your brother. Have a nice weekend, okay? And we’ll see you Monday.”
“Ma’am. Sir,” I said before heading out the side door.
Before I closed it, I heard Meg say to Bear, “You like him, don’t you?” I shut the door before he replied.
* * * *
I sat on the porch steps in front of the house for about ten minutes before the screen door behind me creaked open. I knew it was Bear from the heavy tread. He took a spot next to me and I did my best to ignore his hairy legs and healthy male scent.
“Your brother is gay, Mr. Choi?”
“Perhaps it would be closer to the truth to say he’s bisexual, though he’d probably say ‘I don’t give a fuck about labels.’ He and Paul met last year and it’s a sure thing. It makes me happy to see them together. They suit one another.”
“Never had that,” Bear murmured.
“Me neither.”
He scratched a hirsute thigh. “And you? You gay, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“I don’t mind. I prefer men.” The whole time we spoke, we stared straight ahead, not once looking at each other. Where was this conversation going?
“I apologize for Meg. She’s always trying to set me up with someone, though it hasn’t really worked out well in the past. She means well, but her taste is usually shit.”
I chuckled and glanced over at him. “Should I infer that she was trying to set you and me up just now, and I’m shit, too?”
His eyes widened comically. “No! That’s not…that came out wrong.”
“I hope so, because I don’t take kindly to being compared to fecal matter.” I was mock-serious, testing Bear’s limits.
“Really, Joey, I didn’t mean anything by it. You’re perfect.” Bear blushed a unique shade of rose when he said that and then I realized he’d used my first name. Didn’t it sound wonderful? Damn it!
Before I could respond, my ride pulled up. Derrick waved at me from the open window. I stood and walked down the steps before turning to face my boss. “I know you didn’t mean it, Bear, but I couldn’t resist. You’re always so serious. It’s nice to see you a little flustered.”
He squirmed a little where he sat. “I didn’t say you could call me Bear,” he grumbled, cheeks still slightly pink. Cute.
“Since you called me Joey, I figured I could return the favor. Have a nice weekend, Mr. Lancett.” I went around to the passenger side of Derrick’s vehicle and got in.
I waved at Bear as we drove off, and in the rearview mirror, I saw him still sitting where I’d left him, watching us as we drove away.
“Who was that piece of hotness?” Derrick asked.
“The man in charge.”
“If I were a free man, I’d tap that mountain man, quick,” he replied as we headed for the freeway.
I smirked. “No, you wouldn’t. Paul has you by the balls. Admit it.”
He sighed. “You’re right, but I can live vicariously through you.”
“Doubt it’ll happen. Man’s as closed-off as Fort Knox, though he did seem a bit more approachable today. Maybe it’s because it’s the weekend or something.”
“I dunno. The little I saw of you together told me he’d be amenable to being opened up by you. The two of you looked real cozy on those steps.”
“Sleeping with the boss could be trouble.” I stared out the window as we whizzed by cars in the fast lane. “And I’m not that much of a prize, anyway. I’m not cut out for relationships. Too much shit in my head. I’m just happy to have work I enjoy doing.”
“Suit yourself and cut out the ‘I’m not a prize’ bullshit. If you weren’t my brother, I’d totally do you.”
I gagged. “Okay, that’s just disgusting.”
“I know. Make sure you tell Paul so he can spank me later.”
“God, you’re incorrigible.”
He just grinned at me and I flipped him off.
* * * *
Before Paul took me back to the farm on Sunday afternoon, I enjoyed some of Adrian’s boyfriend’s famous brown sugar ribs. God, Brandon could cook. Bud and Sara were there, too. They were the oldest residents at the trailer park. The couple enjoyed livi
ng together and screwing around whenever Bud refilled his Viagra prescription. Trev and Grant, friends of Adrian and Brandon, were also present.
“You liking that job, son?” Bud asked as he licked sauce off his thumb.
“Yes, sir. It’s good hard labor that keeps the demons at bay. Couldn’t ask for more.”
“What’s this I hear about your boss being sexier than sin?” Paul jumped in with a wink for Derrick, who blushed as he ate his mashed potatoes.
I rolled my eyes. “You fucked it out of him, didn’t you?”
“That’s what my dick’s for,” Paul replied, and we all laughed. The conversations we tended to have while enjoying barbecue on a Sunday afternoon were raunchy, at best.
I shook my head. “Yeah, Mr. Lancett is something special. Ass you could bounce a brick off, thighs like barrels, and let’s not forget the dimples.” I shut my eyes and sighed.
“Sounds like someone’s getting his libido back,” Sara commented. She was a retired nurse.
“Seeing combat can take a toll, you know,” Bud added, a veteran himself.
“Yeah. It shocked the hell out of me that I’m actually attracted to someone. It’s been a long time since I felt anything like that,” I said, before biting into a corn cob.
“Just means you’re back among the living,” Sara said. “And don’t think too hard about it, either. Getting back out there is the first step.”
“Don’t know if I can even take the first step,” I replied. “Or if I should. It could be asking for trouble.”
“You won’t know until you try,” Sara replied.
* * * *
With Sara’s words ringing in my ears, I waved at Paul as he drove off in a cloud of dust after he’d dropped me in front of the big house. I grabbed my backpack and duffel bag and made my way to the bunkhouse. I was the first to arrive, so I put away my stuff and decided to take an afternoon stroll to work off the huge meal I’d eaten.
In deference to the heat, I wore cutoff jeans and a sleeveless T-shirt bleached almost white. As I rounded the corner of the horse barn, I stopped, cold. There before me was Bear, shirtless and sweaty, pounding a nail with a hammer as he repaired a portion of the fence that housed the pigs. I had to take a deep breath and close my eyes for a minute so I wouldn’t jump the man.
Fuck, he glistened in the afternoon sun, rock hard muscles and tanned skin bare and just…scrumptious. When Bear worked with us during the week, he always wore a shirt. This was frickin’ spectacular. When I felt I had myself mostly under control, I walked toward him and cleared my throat, not wanting to startle him.
“Afternoon, Mr. Lancett,” I said, and he looked up, surprised.
“Joey…I mean, Mr. Choi. You’re back early.” He put down the hammer and quickly donned the shirt that I now saw had been thrown over an open red toolbox. Shame.
“Yes, sir. Is that a problem?”
“Not at all.” He went back to working on the fence and I observed him for a while. The silence between us wasn’t strained. It was nice, actually.
After about fifteen minutes of this, though, I decided I should continue on my stroll before heading to bed. Morning came too damn early at this place. “Well, I’ll see you in the morning, sir.”
Before I could walk away, an hand shot out and grabbed my wrist. “Wait a minute,” Bear said, and then he dropped my hand like it’d burned him. I watched him blush as he tucked his hands into his pant pockets. “You hungry?”
For you? Absolutely! “Nah. Had dinner before I got here.”
He seemed hugely disappointed, so I quickly added, “But I could use some coffee, maybe dessert? Did Meg make apple pie today?” She always had pies available as snacks for the hands throughout the week.
Bear brightened. “She did. You…want some?” A cuter man than this had never existed. And thinking that way was dangerous. Still, I couldn’t resist him.
“Sure.” I smiled. “Lead the way, Mr. Lancett.”
He packed up his toolbox and we went up to the house. As we entered the kitchen, he said, “You can call me Bear, if you want to.” Then he rushed past Meg down the hallway beyond.
I raised an eyebrow and regarded his sister. All she did was grin. “Have a seat, sweetie.”
I sat and waited as she placed three large slices of pie on the table and poured coffee for all of us. “Thanks,” I said as she took a seat.
Bear returned a few minutes later, sweat wiped away and wearing a different shirt. It was brand new, which I could tell from the “XL” sticker that he’d neglected to remove, as well as the fold creases that were still visible in the cotton.
I smiled to myself and took a bite, moaning at the flavor. “Meg, you’ve outdone yourself.”
She laughed. “I’m happy you think so. I hope you had a nice weekend with your brother and friends?”
“I did. The whole gang was there and the landlord’s boyfriend made brown sugar ribs that would give even your cooking a run for the money.”
“That right? Maybe I should hire him to help me with the fall harvest festival here in October.” She sipped her coffee. “What do you think, Bear?” She glanced at her brother and so did I.
“We can afford it, if that’s what you want to do. It’ll give you a break to join the festivities for a change. I usually have to drag you away from the stove.”
“I’m always glad to lend a hand, Meg, if you need it.” Then I addressed the foreman. “It was something you mentioned as a possibility when you hired me, Mr. Lancett.”
Bear frowned at me and I realized what I’d said. “Sorry. Bear.” I smiled at him and he gave me a tiny one in return. I really shouldn’t encourage the man.
“It’s fine with me. I’d help, but anything I cook becomes a different life form, so…”
I laughed. “Good to know.”
We talked a little bit while finishing our pie and coffee, then Meg shooed Bear and me out the door. “Go take a walk or something. Folks will be turning up soon and you won’t have a moment’s peace.”
Bear blushed as he led the way outside. As we walked by the horse barn and headed out toward a far paddock, I couldn’t resist asking, “So why am I calling you Bear, now?”
He didn’t say anything for a time. We leaned against the fence and watched the setting sun while he gathered his thoughts. And then…“You’ve probably noticed that I’m a private person and keep to myself a lot.”
Duh. “I have.”
“It’s not that I don’t like people, but too many of them either have a one-track mind or ulterior motives which never leads to anything good, I’ve found. It’s happened to me over and over, and it’s hard to make a connection with someone when all they see is the outside, not giving a shit about the inside, you know?”
I felt a little ashamed of my strong interest in his outsides, but really, how could anyone help it? “You’re pretty hard to ignore, you know. It’s your cross to bear, I suppose. Get it? Bear?” I nudged him with my elbow and he rolled his eyes.
“Like I haven’t heard that one before.” He cleared his throat. “Seriously, though, there’s something about you that intrigues me. I’ve watched how you interact with the other hands and, though you’re pleasant and engage with them, you tend to keep to yourself. You seem to have this inner peace, and I envy that. It draws me to you, and I want to know how you do it.”
I was shocked. “Inner peace? Me? Hardly. I was a wreck when I came back from Afghanistan. My brother was my lifeline and without him, I don’t know where I’d be. He sacrificed everything for me, and I knew I had to find a way back to living, even if it’s just to shovel shit all day. But I still struggle, and I have to use medication daily.”
“That just means you know your limits. I can respect that.” Bear stared out into the fields. “I always felt like I needed to prove something to my dad while he was alive, and I still feel that way now, even though he’s been dead six years. He wasn’t very affectionate, but he ran a tight ship and I feel I owe it to his memory to do t
he same. It’s hard, though.”
This conversation was as unexpected as it was a revelation of Bear’s inner workings. I could see the depths to which he was driven, and why he was so reticent with others. That both attracted and scared me at the same time.
I shrugged, playing it cool to hide my inner turmoil. “You’re not him. How can you be? You have to find that balance between doing what’s needed and doing what makes you happy. Do you know what that is?”
Bear slowly turned to stare at me, and then I saw the beginnings of those killer dimples as he grinned. “I think it could be you.”
“I…” How could I possibly respond to that statement?
Bear’s smile broadened as he watched me floundering. Those cut dimples in his cheeks dazzled me beyond all reason. “I made you speechless? Wow.”
It took some effort, but I finally recovered enough to scowl at him. “Warn a guy next time, would you?”
Laughing like a loon, Bear said, “Why should I? You get honest responses when you take people by surprise.”
I shook my head. “You’re crazy.”
“That’s all you have to say?”
I gazed into the distance, and a wave of longing and futility came over me. I couldn’t be what Bear wanted, no matter how much I yearned to be. I wasn’t that guy anymore, not after what I’d gone through.
“I may appear real Zen to you, Bear, but I have to keep things simple and calm to retain my sanity. I don’t know that I’m relationship material, or if I’ll ever be. And you? You’re so far out of my league it’s not even funny. You deserve someone who can be with you one hundred percent. An equal partner. I don’t know that I can be, no matter how attracted I am to you.” I looked at him. “There, I said it. I find you sexy as hell, but all I can offer is a quick fuck. And that’s not fair to you, is it?”
He frowned. “What are you talking about? We have to start somewhere, right?”
I gave him a sad smile and stepped back from the fence and the temptation of his presence. No matter what my brother or Sara said, there was no way I could saddle another person with my problems. “What’s the point in starting when there’s no happy ending in sight?” I shook my head and walked away, heading to the bunkhouse.