“I made a stupid decision,” I said.
His anger was doing something terrible to my composure. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to show him how weak I was, but I couldn’t help it. Even though I expected this…even though I deserve it, I couldn’t stop the massive amount of tears from falling down my face.
“It was easier to let you assume Xavier was her father than it was for me to tell you the truth. I knew that you’d always love her and be a part of her life because we’re friends. After a while, telling you didn’t seem so important.”
“Didn’t seem that important,” he repeated. “Un-fucking-believeable.” He leaned up again the porch railing and ran his fingers through his blonde locks. He wouldn’t look at me.
At least the cat’s out the bag. At least he knows. He has every right to be mad. I just told him that he has a two-year-old child. I basically threw a wrench into his rock star world. He’s a father and now he knows it. How he deals with that information is more important than his anger.
We both know that being a father means that he’s going to have to grow the hell up. I don’t know if he’s ready for it. Still, his angered and stunned silence was unnerving.
“Will you please say something?” I pleaded.
His eyes washed over me with a sparkle of unshed tears and something scarier…
Oh God! Not this again!
“There’s something else, isn’t there?” he asked. “There’s something else you’re not telling me. What is it?”
“Huh?”
He waited for a real answer. He’ll be waiting forever because I’m not going to tell him what he wants to hear. I do not have feelings for him like that. We are never going to be together. It’s bad enough that we have a child together.
“Sunny?”
“Don’t Aiden,” I answered wearily. “This is hard enough to deal with.”
“You’re not telling me everything,” he pushed. “Isn’t keeping whatever else you want to say harder than just saying it?”
Hell no!
“Why’d you come here?” he asked for the millionth time.
My tears made loud smacking noises as they hit the porch. He knows me so well it hurts. He knows how I feel about him. He knows that I’m never going to give myself to him like that.
He inched closer to me and leaned over. “Tell me,” he said softly.
I looked up at him as he brushed my tears from my eyes. His touch was soft, yet burning hot against my skin. His anger had softened. His eyes were intense but not as angry. Disappointment had momentarily replaced his anger. Hurt and disappointment.
Why can’t he understand that I don’t want to love him?
“I came,” I took a deep breath, “because you were sad and you were avoiding me. It was like you didn’t need me anymore. But I knew you did because,” my voice caught in my throat.
“Because what?”
“Because I needed you,” I admitted. “I needed you more than I ever needed anyone else in my life. I’m so torn, Aiden. This thing between us is not normal. I thought that being away from you would make our situation easier to deal with and I could sort out my issues, but it didn’t. Instead, I felt like I was suffocating. I came here so that I could breathe again.”
“So, this was all about you?” he shook his head. “You came here for your own selfish reasons. You came here so you could feel better about yourself and all the fucked up shit you’ve done to me? You didn’t come here for me, did you?”
Instantly, my tears dried up. Was he serious? I was pissed now. How dare he think that I did this for myself? I was perfectly fine until Gilligan here decided to come to this place!
“I admit, I fucked up by not telling you about Summer,” I snapped. “But don’t act like you didn’t need me here. You’re a different person when I’m around,” I pointed out. “You’re happier when we’re together. You came here to hide out but what are you hiding from? A past that isn’t as fucking bad as you think? You spent weeks on this island berating yourself over some shit that you can’t change. I thought that knowing about your daughter would help you see the light!”
“Forgive me,” I continued, “for thinking about your well being. Forgive me for thinking that maybe seeing how great your child is and knowing that she’s great because she’s a part of you would do something for your psyche. Forgive me for underestimating how much of an ass you can be sometimes!”
“Whatever, Sunny,” he mumbled and turned away.
I grabbed his arm. Aiden twitched like my touch burned or disgusted him.
“How can you not understand what I’m saying? How can you keep beating yourself down when you have such a beautiful child? Honestly, Aiden, I came here so you could look at Summer and say ‘I can’t be that big of a jerk because look at what I made.”
He glared at me for a minute. My stomach twisted in knots. I’m not one for begging but this situation is rough.
“Please, Aiden, don’t hate me. I’m sorry.”
I stepped closer, to touch him, to hug him…something. He put his hands up and stepped back away from me.
“Aiden,” I whispered.
He said nothing. He simply walked away.
Chapter 17: Understanding
I expected him to yell. I expected him to cuss me out. I did not expect him to walk away from me. I probably should have expected worse. He’s pissed and completely overwhelmed right now. I cried when I found out that I was pregnant and they were not tears of joy. I was scared as hell. I mean, drop dead, holy-shit-what-am-I-going-to-do, afraid. I had so much anxiety about being a mother that Aiden had to talk me out of doing something stupid, like giving my child up for adoption.
I hope he doesn’t expect me to do the same. I don’t know what to say to him. Even though I know what he’s feeling, what the hell am I going to say? Half of the time, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing with my own daughter. I can’t expect him to know.
I watched him jog down the path to the beach until he disappeared into the trees. I don’t know what I can say to make this better. There’s nothing to say to make it better.
I sat on the porch steps with my hands in my head, praying that one day he’ll be able to forgive me for lying. We have a child to raise, and I’m sick of doing this alone. My daughter deserves to have her father, to know that her father loves her. I made a mistake by not telling him in the beginning. I let my own bullshit get in the way of what’s best for her. Never again.
I can’t go back to Atlanta now. Even if Aiden is trippin’, he won’t be for long. I can’t take Summer away from him. If he does forgive me for lying, he’ll never forgive me for separating them now that he knows the truth. Forget my family, my career, none of that matters now. I have to be in Los Angeles for my child.
Thirty minutes flew by and Aiden still hadn’t come back. I stepped off the porch and walked down the stone path towards the beach. The island was silent except for the ocean and Aiden’s mumbling. I stepped closer just hear what he was saying. I couldn’t make out much but the light breeze carried some of his spoken thoughts my way.
“How in the hell am I going to raise a child with Sunny?”
“How are we ever going to agree on what’s best for our daughter?”
“Fuck! I have a daughter!”
He kept firing unanswered questions at himself as he paced the beach. His too long blonde hair blew in the wind, emphasizing the frazzled expression on his face. Not frazzled…terrified. I saw the same expression on every first time father in the hospital the days after Summer was born.
I had the same questions, which is why I didn’t tell him in the first place. Aiden and I might not agree on much of anything but we’re going to have to. We have to raise this child…together.
I stepped out of my hiding place at the edge of the trees. The night air had cooled the sand and my bare feet felt great in the coolness. I crossed the beach soundlessly and wrapped my arms around Aiden’s slim waist.
“Can you be mad at me
later and just take a moment to listen?” I said from behind him.
“What else do you have to say?”
“We can do this, Aiden,”
“How do you know that?”
I stepped around him and held him tighter. This time he hugged me back.
Progress!
“We can do this because we love each other and we love our daughter too much to fail.”
“We do, don’t we?” he said. “I’m glad you’re finally admitting that.”
“Aiden, that’s not what I mean.”
He squeezed me a little tighter against him. I didn’t miss the mumbled “yeah right” he uttered. I changed the subject.
“Guess what.”
“No more surprises, Sunny,” he groaned. “Are you trying to kill me?”
“No,” I laughed. “But you know how Jade’s been begging me to get out of Atlanta?”
“You’re moving to LA?” he guessed.
I nodded. “So, can Summer and I stay with you until I find a house?”
“Are you really asking me or is half of your shit already in my guest room and this is your way of telling me?”
I laughed. “Technically no. Some of my stuff is on the way but definitely not half.”
“How long has it been since we lived together?”
I paused. It’s been so many years since we shared space, I don’t know how this is even going to work. We better make it work though.
Aiden sat down on the sand. His shirtless chest heaved with each deep inhale and exhale. Fear seeped out of every pore on his skin. I’ve never seen someone so terrified of anything in my life. His hands were actually shaking. I scooted closer and placed my arm around his shoulder.
“What?” I asked.
He stared at the now black ocean.
“Why do you do this to me? You keep secrets and then drop these bombshells on me, like it’s okay and it’s not! You don’t want to be with me, but you want to live with me. You say you don’t love me, but you had my child. You say you just want to be friends, but you’ve spent the last five days on an island with me sleeping in my bed. What do you really want from me, Sunny?”
“I don’t want anything other than what I’ve always wanted,” I told him. “I want you to be happy, that’s all, Aiden.”
“I can’t handle your mixed signals, Sunny.”
What mixed signals? I can’t count the number of times that I’ve told Aiden that we are not going to be together.
“I’m not giving you mixed signals, Aiden,” I answered condescendingly. “You turn everything I do into something it isn’t.”
“What do you call this?” he motioned into the air indicating everything that surrounded us; the trees, the ocean, the dim light of the cottage house peeking through the massive tropical greenery.
“You’re here,” he continued, “with me because I needed you. You’re always where I need you, when I need you. You pretend that New Orleans was just…what did you call it? A right time, right place thing? I know you didn’t mean that, Sunny. You lied about it then and you’re lying to yourself now.”
He pulled me close to him and stared into my eyes. “Stop lying, Sunny. Please.”
Lord, his eyes are hypnotizing. I almost said it…almost. Instead, I broke free of his hold on my and stared at the ocean as the dark waves kissed the white sand. I don’t like the control Aiden has over my heart. I’ve seen what love does to women.
My mother has given her entire life to my father. She’s done absolutely nothing that she wanted to do. She wanted to be a nurse but followed my dad and my uncles around while they toured the “Chitlin Circuit”. She wanted to start a catering business. Instead, she helped my dad run both of his businesses. She put all of her dreams aside because of love.
I’ve seen firsthand what love does to women. I know what it did to me.
Xavier was not the first man that I loved, that I gave my heart to. Between him and Tony, I don’t know which was worst.
Tony was the love of my life. We met at a MARTA station after school when I was sixteen. He was seventeen. He was F-I-N-E. I’m talking Morris Chestnut F-I-N-E! Tony was everything that I wasn’t. He was from the streets. I was a kid from the suburbs. Tony was dangerous. Tony was trouble and I loved him more than anything else.
We dated for two years. I was head over heels in love with him. There wasn’t a thing I wouldn’t do for him. I lied to my parents and snuck out of the house to be with him. I hid his money, drugs, and guns in my car. And when he shot a teenage drug dealer and went on the run, I lied to the police.
I sat in an interrogation room for hours, was asked the same questions over and over, threatened with jail time, and I never wavered. I would not give him up.
My parents threatened to disown me if I didn’t tell the truth. I stuck by my guns for over a month. Then I found out that Tony was hiding out at his ex-girlfriend’s house and was more than willing to let me take the fall for his drugs and guns.
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
I didn’t care what people said or thought about me. They called me a snitch. Girls from his neighborhood tried to beat me up. None of that was more hurtful than Tony’s betrayal. His neighborhood wasn’t my neighborhood. His friends weren’t my friends. I didn’t care what any of those people thought about me. I was leaving Atlanta anyway. Parson’s New School for Design was my destination. I didn’t care if they locked his lying cheating ass under the jail.
There was a sting of temporary boyfriends while I lived in New York and when I moved back home. None of them lasted, simply because I didn’t want them to. Until Xavier.
I wanted Xavier to last. I honestly loved being with him until things went left and I snatched my heart back.
Yeah, men…I don’t trust them.
Aiden’s a great guy. Any other woman will be lucky when he gets over his crush on me. I love him, but I can’t be in love with him. I refuse to go there with him. We can be friends and that’s it. We can co-parent this child of ours, but I’m not willing to give my heart away again.
“Sunny,” Aiden interrupted my train of thought. “I don’t know what to do.”
Even though his voice was low, the fear he felt resonated in the air like a sonic boom.
“About what?”
“I don’t know how to be a father,” he clarified. “How do I do this?”
“You’ve been more of a father to Summer than you know,” I told him. “Half the time, I don’t know what to do. Parents wing it. At least that’s what my mom says. You’re scared like I was,” I assured him. “It will pass.”
I looked back towards the house where my child was sleeping. “She’ll make it easy.”
“What do I say to her? Do I just tell her I’m her dad and expect her to just deal with it?”
I sighed. “She’s two, Aiden. She may be smart but she’s still two. She’s just going to be happy that we’re living with you. Do you want me to tell her?”
One sharp glare and an emphatic “hell no” made it clear that he didn’t trust me enough to tell her.
“I take it you’re going back to Atlanta soon?”
I didn’t like the look he gave me and the hopeful tone in his voice. Geez, I know dropping this bomb on him was wrong but he should at least try to understand why I did what I did, not be wishing me away.
“I do have to go back there and handle some business, but I should get settled in LA before I start flying back and forth.”
“Sunny, can I tell you something?” he asked.
NO! I wanted to scream but I didn’t. Even though I knew exactly what was coming, I still had to let him say it.
“Sure.”
Aiden’s gaze focused straight ahead while he spoke. His normally confident voice quivered as he spoke the words I didn’t really want to hear.
“You know how I feel about you,” he muttered. “I know that I love you even though you don’t believe me. You and Summer are everything to me. I will be a good father to her but I�
��m not going to hide how I feel about you. I love you, Sunny. One day you’re going to believe me.”
Aiden leaned over and kissed my forehead, so softly that I wanted him to move his lips lower until we were making out on the sand. He didn’t.
He rose from the blanket and left me sitting on the beach, staring at the moon and wrestling with my own crazy thoughts.
Aiden Tyler has the most potential of any man on this planet of breaking my heart. He’s done it too many times before. When he ignored my feelings for him, when he slept with Erica…when he married Ramey. Under no circumstances will I ever allow him to do it again.
Never.
That’s a promise and I keep the promises I make to myself.
###
CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF AIDEN AND SUNNY?
THEIR STORY CONTINUES IN THE
FRIENDS, LOVERS, OR NOTHING COLLECTION
PRE-ORDER UNBROKEN NOW
COMING FALL 2016
Acknowledgements
I’ve never been good with writing acknowledgements because I have a bad memory and I’d feel bad if I left someone out.
First and foremost, I have to thank my creator. It’s not arrogance that allows me to believe that I am a great author. It is my belief that my talent is God-given and because of that, I will not fail. He is my strength, my courage, and my comforter.
As always, my family... My mother, who is my biggest fan. My sisters who support me like no other. My nieces and nephew. My world would be so much darker without them.
To my readers who I will never call fans, I appreciate you all so much that I can’t even put it into words. Anyone who has ever read a Jackie Chanel book has a special place in my heart FOR-EV-VER. Thank you so much!
Every book I write is dedicated to my grandmother and my cousin. My grandmother supported everything I ever dreamed of doing. She was so special to me and saying goodbye was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
My cousin, DJ, was the first person I ever told that there was slim possibility that I was not going to be a doctor and he was the first person who encouraged me to pursue a career as an author. Up until the moment he took his last breath, he believed in me. Losing my best friend at seventeen is a pain that has never dulled with time. I write because I know he would be so disappointed if I didn’t.
Sunny's Song (Friends Lovers or Nothing Book 2) Page 15