She looked at me with surprise, not expecting anything nice or kind from anyone, I think, especially one of us.
“Right,” she said. “Thanks.” She began to gather the dirty plates and bowls. I thought about helping her, but something told me Dr. Foreman watched us in this room. Maybe there really were microphones or secret cameras all over this place.
“See you later,” I said, and went out and down to Dr. Foreman's office.
To my surprise she wasn't sitting behind her desk, but on the sofa instead. She was reading a magazine and looked up and smiled.
“Hi. Come on in.”
I did and she indicated I should sit on the sofa.
“I can't believe some of the fashions young people your age are wearing these days. Look at this, for example.” She turned the magazine to show me an actress wearing what looked like nothing more than two large Band-Aids over her breasts and a flimsy skirt. She had what resembled a dog collar around her neck. “And she's about to enter some award show. Would you wear that?”
I shook my head.
“I didn't think so. Mindy might. She probably wore things like this. She was a classic nymphomaniac, you know. You know what that is, of course.”
“A nympho? Someone who has a lot of sex.”
“Yes. Only she had those tendencies ever since junior high school, even sixth grade. To me a girl who is so wild and loose with her body has no respect for herself. I know your mother was very loose, right?”
I nodded. What could I do, deny it? She obviously knew a lot about all of us, and I did write about some of Mama's sexual escapades when I wrote my autobiography for Dr. Foreman.
“I'm impressed that you don't have those tendencies, Phoebe, but you did get yourself into trouble because of sex in your new school, didn't you?”
“I guess so.” I had met a boy in the nurse's office as he had preplanned and the nurse caught us. It wasn't something I had done often before. In fact, I had never done anything that serious in school. I wanted to explain it, of course, describe how I had been desperate and angry and didn't care. However, she didn't need my explanation.
“You were most likely getting at your aunt. You wanted to embarrass her and your uncle, didn't you? You didn't want to be there and you were hoping you would be sent home, back to Atlanta, where you could be with your father, right?”
“Yes.”
"Only he wasn't home very much. You would have ended up even worse than you did, Phoebe. In a way you were lucky to get into so much trouble so quickly and be sent here. I can't imagine what would have become of you had you not been picked up at the clinic. Strike that. I can imagine. I've seen girls who had to live in the streets. It's not a pretty sight, and their life expectancy isn't any better than the life expectancy of young women in some third world countries.
“Sometimes”—she sighed and looked toward the window, which had the curtains drawn open for a change—"I feel as if I have been chosen for my work,
given all this responsibility by a higher power.“ She looked pensive for a moment, then shook her head and smiled. ”Here.“ She handed me the magazine. ”I'm sure you're interested in all this nonsense anyway."
I looked at the magazine. I did want it, but if I took that and brought it back to the barracks, I would have some explaining to do.
On the other hand, I saw that if I didn't take it, she would be angry, suspicious, and I was more afraid of that than anything.
“Thank you,” I said.
“You're welcome, Phoebe. So, tell me, how did Gia treat you today?” she asked, holding her soft, friendly smile.
There was little question in my mind that she already knew.
“She was angry because I told you what she had said about Posy.”
“Her Posy,” Dr. Foreman muttered. “Yes. You told her you had no choice, of course.”
I nodded.
“You're free to tell the other girls about it. If Gia sees no one believes her, it will help. Should Gia get violent or physical, I want to know immediately, understand?”
“Yes, Dr. Foreman.”
“Good. How did she defend herself? Did she tell you anything else about her Posy? Claim she did anything?”
“She said she worked on the horses like I am.” The more I told her that was true, the less I might have to tell her what I feared to tell her, I hoped.
“Yes, well, of course it was Gia who worked on the horses. You believe that, don't you?” she said quickly.
“Yes, I do.”
“Good. As I mentioned before, Mindy troubles me more and more these days,” she suddenly said, changing the subject. “She's really regressing.”
“Regressing?”
“She's becoming more and more like she was when she first arrived here. She's too aloof, too distant most of the time. I think she's actually getting worse in some ways. I'm getting bad vibes these last few days. I want you to keep an eye on her, too, for me. Keep track of what she says, does, whenever you're around her.”
“Everything she says?”
“You'll know what I want. Enjoy the magazine, but be sure to get your homework done first, understand?”
“Yes, Dr. Foreman.”
“And no one else is permitted to read it, not even over your shoulder.”
“But. ..”
“I don't want to hear that they have,” she added, her eyes full of threat.
I nodded.
“You're excused.”
I rose and started for the door.
“Phoebe.”
“Yes, Dr. Foreman?”
“I think you could look a lot prettier than that so-called actress, even in those ridiculous clothes. I can see you in a modeling career someday. Would you like that?”
I nodded.
“Good. I'll see what I can do about finding you a good modeling school when the time comes.”
Every time she offered to do something good for me or said something nice to me, I felt worse.
Why was that?
Why should I care about anyone else anymore? She was right after all. They would all forget me and have nothing to do with me once we all left this place, especially if I returned to my neighborhood in Atlanta or someplace like it. I was tempted to reveal the rest of it, describe exactly what Gia was planning to do tonight.
“Was there something else you wanted to tell me, Phoebe?”
Did she know already? Was she expecting me to tell? Was this another test and was I failing it?
What kept me from telling her, I do not know, but I couldn't do it.
“Yes,” I said. “Thank you.”
She smiled. “You're welcome, Phoebe. Most welcome,” she said, nodding slowly.
I turned and left the house.
On the way back to the barracks, I was tempted to throw away the magazine, but I worried that she might ask me to return it. I know I was becoming what Gia called paranoid, too. I couldn't help looking around, searching for hidden cameras, microphones, or perhaps one of the buddies watching me from a hidden place.
Robin, Teal, and Gia looked up when I entered. They were already working on math problems. I noticed Mindy was still not back.
“Where did you get that?” Teal asked quickly, eyeing the magazine.
There was no point in lying about it. “Dr. Foreman gave it to me, but she warned me not to let anyone else look at it.”
Teal immediately recoiled, pulling her head down and her arms back. “Oh, we can't look at it. Only the special Phoebe can look at it. Big deal. Who cares about some stupid magazine anyway?” She returned to her homework.
Robin stared at me with an expression of disappointment.
“I didn't ask for it. She gave it to me.”
“Of course she did,” Gia said. “She did the same thing with Mindy soon after I arrived. It's another one of her little ways to set us against each other and depend on her.”
I wanted to warn her not to say so many terrible things about Dr. Foreman aloud. Surely a hidden mic
rophone or two were in the barracks, but if I warned her, Dr. Foreman could hear the warning as well.
I said nothing and they returned to the homework. Gia asked me to join them and helped me with my assignments. I put the magazine under my cot and got my books and notebook. After a while, we all wondered what was keeping Mindy. Even alone, she should have finished by now, we thought. Of course we had no way to tell how much time actually went by since none of us had a watch and there were no clocks, but Robin estimated it was nearly a good two hours.
M'Lady Two appeared in the doorway and told us to prepare for bed.
“Where's Mindy?” Teal asked.
“It's none of your business where Mindy is. Your business is where you are.”
I thought Teal was going to say something else, but she looked at me and then turned to her cot. Before we were all actually ready to go to bed, M'Lady Two shut off the lights.
“My business,” Teal muttered. “My business is getting out of here.”
No one said anything more. The air felt so heavy, even the starlight streaming through the windows looked droopy. I closed my eyes and hoped I would fall asleep quickly, but I didn't. I saw from the way Teal was lying that she had, and Robin had turned her back to me and looked very still as well.
When Gia poked me, I nearly jumped and screamed. She had moved so quietly to my bedside.
“I don't like it,” she whispered. “If Mindy's not back by now, Dr. Foreman has her, and there's no telling what will happen to her. Did she indicate she was unhappy with her in any way?”
I hesitated. Should I report what Dr. Foreman had said to me?
“Yes,” I whispered. “You should be careful about what you say, Gia. I really do believe there are microphones hidden around us.”
“It doesn't matter. She knows what we think. Okay, let's go.”
“Go?”
“To the basement, like I said we would.”
“But, with Mindy gone and all, don't you think it would be more dangerous?”
“That makes no difference. Don't worry. The buddies are already into their own thing by now. They're not going to stand guard over this place. Get up, put on your clothes quietly.”
“But. . .”
“Either you want to know the truth or you don't, Phoebe, but you better not call me a liar and let the others believe it. Make up your mind.” Gia's face was so close to mine, I could feel her breath. “Okay. I'll go with you.”
In the back of my mind I thought that if we were caught, I would tell Dr. Foreman I was going to tell her what Gia wanted to do and went along because she was going to do it with or without me. It was a weak excuse that she would probably see right through, but it was all I could come up with quickly.
Hopefully, we would find an empty basement and that would end it.
Maybe Dr. Foreman would even congratulate me. Was I terrible in hoping for that, hoping for another reward, perhaps less work, sleeping in that comfortable bed in her house, and going to a school for modeling? Was it terrible to want things for yourself, even at the expense of the others?
Natani knew how to survive out there in the raw desert world, but I had to learn how to survive here and in the world I would eventually return to, for as Dr. Foreman had made clear, I had no one but myself now. I almost never did. That was true, but at least I had had a place to call home.
That was gone forever. I guess I really did have nowhere to run to.
Did any of us? Really?
I saw Gia was already dressed and waiting.
Everyone has her own way to survive, I thought.
Maybe this was just hers and maybe I had no right to ruin that for her.
But one thing I had learned and learned painfully, choice was a privilege. Here we did what we were told or what was expected of us.
Now I was Dr. Foreman's little spy.
And I had almost nothing to do with the decision to be so.
Broken Wings 2 - Midnight Flight
Good-bye, Posy
W hen you grow up in a city where there are always some lights on and almost always noise and traffic, your nervous system has a hard time adjusting to a world of pitch darkness and silence. For one thing, you suddenly realize the majestic starlight. Almost always, even during the short time I lived with Uncle Buster and Aunt Mae Louise in the suburban community of Stone Mountain, there were streetlights or other lights that washed out the stars and there was some traffic, people walking, music from cars.
Out here in the desert, especially late at night, the uninterrupted sky was peppered with pinholes of light, some of them so big and bright, I waited to see if they were planes. They weren't. They were simply unblocked, crystal-clear, dazzling beads of illumination. I thought to myself that if I ever wondered how God could see so much, this could be the answer. The stars are His eyes and He has so many of them.
Here on the ranch, the darkness was so different from the darkness I had known in Atlanta. This darkness was like the darkness in a dream. All of the structures, even the hacienda, were now inky silhouettes. The stillness made me conscious of my heavier, anxious breathing and the crunch of our footsteps over the gravel as we walked toward the back of the big house. There wasn't a light on anywhere inside, which meant the buddies were asleep, too.
I looked toward Natani's hogan. He wasn't anywhere in sight. He could be outside, cloaked in a shadow. Most of the time, he was just there, appearing as if he formed out of thin air, walking so softly on those moccasins that even birds didn't realize he was atop them. However, this late I imagined he was within his little house, asleep on his blanket. Even the farm animals were deathly quiet. If they weren't asleep, they were like me, listening. I did think I heard a horse snort. It was probably Wind Song, I thought. He could sense that I was out here and he wanted to know why.
“Move it,” Gia whispered, and beckoned for me to catch up with her.
Suddenly she turned and headed quickly toward the tool shack.
“Where are we going?”
“I need something,” she said. “You'll see.”
When we reached the shack, she opened the door an inch at a time, moving the hinges as softly and as quietly as she could. Apparently, she knew exactly where what she wanted was located, because it was so dark inside, I couldn't tell a rake from a hoe. I was always thinking about snakes, although Natani had told me that snakes would look for a rock warmed by the day's sunshine and curl up on it at night. Gia didn't seem to have an ounce of fear about them. She was in and out quickly, a screwdriver in her hand.
She nodded toward the house again and we walked around the corner to the metal doors that opened on steps leading down to the door of the basement. When we were there, she indicated we should be as quiet as could be. My eyes were used to the darkness now, as were hers. Nevertheless, she surprised me by digging into her coverall pocket to produce a cigarette lighter.
“Where did you get that?” I whispered.
I could see her smiling. "I stole it from the buddies. When I was in there with Dr. Foreman one day, she left me alone and I wandered through, popped into the buddies' quarters, and found it on a desk. I got back to her office before she knew I had been about the house. I thought it would come in handy one of these days. It has.
“Here.” She handed me the lighter. “Flick it on when I say. I just need to see where the hinges are screwed in. Go on, flick.”
I did so and the small flame threw a lot more light on the doors than I thought it might. She started the screwdriver and had me turn off the light. I crouched and watched as she worked, moving with such care, I barely heard anything. She put each screw she took out into her pocket.
“We'll fix it when we leave,” she whispered. “That way no one but you and me will know we were down there.”
I nodded.
When all the screws were out, she lifted the hinge carefully and folded it over with great care, barely making a sound.
Then she stepped back. “Ready?”
I
wasn't, of course. I could never be ready for this, but then, I thought, we'll go down there and look around. There'll be nothing there and she'll change on the spot, maybe even admit she had made up Posy. The whole thing would finally be over and done. It will be better for both of us. Dr. Foreman will stop questioning me about it and surely congratulate me on helping her cure Gia.
She lifted the door ever so gently and held it open just enough for me to slip in and under.
“Go ahead,” she said. “Flick the lighter so you can watch your step. When you're down far enough to make room for me, I'll come in and close the door softly after us.”
I hesitated and looked up at the dark windows. They were more like mirrors now, reflecting starlight. On the stucco walls, shadows danced almost like savages gleefully watching me do something stupid.
“Go on before someone hears us,” Gia urged. “Go.”
I took a deep breath and snapped the lighter on again. In the glow I could see that the stone steps were chipped and cracked. I saw spiderwebs in every corner, but fortunately, no sign of any snakes. Gia put her hand on my shoulder, pressing me downward. I lowered my head and stepped onto the first step, then turned and slipped under the opened metal door, backing down carefully. I held the lighter up in front of me. My arm was trembling so much that the little flame wavered, but stayed lit.
“Okay,” I said.
“Wait.”
“What?” My heart seemed to thump and come to a stop in anticipation. “Gia? What is it?”
“I think I hear something. Just keep still.”
To my surprise and shock, she lowered the metal door. I didn't move a muscle. The light went out so I had to flick it on again. Then I heard a strange new sound, like a tiny grinding. What was that?
“Gia?”
I stepped up until my head was an inch or so from the metal door.
“Gia, what's happening?”
The grinding continued and then stopped.
“Gia?”
I heard nothing. I waited and listened.
“Gia?” I called more frantically. I pressed on the metal door, but it didn't lift. “What's happening?”
Broken Wings 2 - Midnight Flight Page 19