As I started across, I heard a coyote howl, then a bird that seemed to be on fire flew from the roof of the horse barn into some high brush. I tried to keep within the shadows until I turned the corner and headed directly for Natani's hogan. There was no way to tell if he was awake. There was no light. I knocked softly on the frame of the doorway, and when I heard his voice, I slipped into his home. He was sitting in a lotus position and in front of him was what looked like a pile of ordinary rocks.
“Sit, daughter of the sun,” he said, indicating I should take the place before him.
I hesitated for a moment, then did it, folding my legs like his. He reached back and cupped a jug.
“Drink this first,” he said, offering it to me.
I wasn't particularly crazy about the smell, and again I thought, what if this was all arranged by the good Dr. Foreman?
“What is it?” I asked.
“It is something that will start you on the path, help you find your way. Just this once. You won't need it after this. I promise.”
“How can this drink do that?” I looked at the tea.
“You will see things as they really are, and when you do, you will be in your shell.”
Skeptical and still afraid, I nevertheless began to drink the tea. While I did, Natani began a soft, low chant and tapped on a small drum. As I continued to drink the tea, I couldn't help but think about some of my friends back in Atlanta and how they would laugh and ridicule me for being with this old Indian man. But of course, they were there and I was here.
I wasn't put off by the taste, and I think that even if I were, I would have forced myself to drink it all. I was that desperate. I waited for more instructions, but Natani just continued to chant and play his drum. I was beginning to feel more disappointment than anything else. Here I was sitting in an old Indian man's shack, listening to him play a drum and sing some song I couldn't understand. I couldn't help feeling ridiculous. Maybe that was Dr. Foreman's intention. I was a fool after all.
Natani knew some things, but he was still an old, nutty man. Everything in Posy's letter was part of an imagination gone wild. It all started to make more sense to me. Dr. Foreman didn't care if we talked to Natani or asked him for his mystical help. He was a big joke, a dead-end road that didn't lead out of here after all.
Suddenly though, I became aware of a slow dance of golden lights rising out of the pile of stones between us.
They turned red and moved in rhythm to Natani's drum. I rubbed my eyes, but they were still there so I closed my eyes, but the shapes continued. They went from yellow to red to gray and then blue. They looked like jellyfish, but became small balls that elongated and turned to ribbons of light. Finally, they all became bubbles and rose quickly, popping and disappearing.
Natani's drum seemed to be beating inside me now. When I looked at him, I focused on a crease in his shirt, and for some reason it looked beautiful. The shape of it, the way it flowed along and softened, was all fantastic to me. It made me feel good to make such a discovery.
I gazed around the hogan and stared for a while at a feather he had on the wall. My eyes were like magnifying glasses because every part of the feather stood out, its shape, its color, its texture. Again I thought, how beautiful it is and how wonderful that I have made the discovery.
I felt myself smiling, and although I couldn't explain why it should be, I was content, happy. For a moment I thought of Natani's story and the rat's question to the tortoise: Why are you so content?
The drum stopped and Natani reached for my hand and guided me to my feet. “Go look at the world you have come to hate.”
I turned and stepped out of the hogan.
The darkness was lifting like a curtain. I looked at the hacienda, the horse barn, the pigpen, the barn in which we slept, and it all just seemed to come together, but in a lovely way. Each shape was unique and yet I could feel the way everything flowed into everything else and flowed into me.
Suddenly, I wanted to embrace all of it, the weeds that grew at the sides of the buildings, the railings on the hacienda, which were so amazing in the way they were the same and yet different, each with something unique about it that I had not seen before, the garden with plants that were like ocean waves in the breeze. I loved everything.
“What do you see?” Natani asked me.
“Everything.” I held out my arm and I felt myself touch the railing, touch the weeds, touch the plants. I could reach the very stars that pulsated, each resembling a tiny heart beating. It made me spin around and laugh. “It's all beautiful!” I cried. Even the ground looked beautiful, spreading before me like a soft carpet, the grains of sand dazzling.
“If you see the world as it is, you will see you are a part of it and none of it will make you unhappy,” he said. "The world itself is a great shell. There is no other to seek.
“First, be at peace with your surroundings. See how you are a part of all that there is and how all that there is becomes you. All else will follow, daughter of the sun. I have given you only a small window. You must understand how you should not hate the wind for being the wind or the sun for being the sun. Soon, you will not hate yourself for being who you are either. If you do this, you will need nothing more. You will find your way in and out of your shell and nothing will harm you.”
A moment later he was gone. He had stepped back into his hogan.
I don't know how long I remained there looking at everything as if for the first time. I don't remember returning to the barn and getting back to my cot, but then I was there, and for a long moment I wondered if I had ever left the barn. Had it all been a dream?
I fell asleep and did dream. I saw my daddy beckoning to me. He wanted me to come with him, to go somewhere with him. I was very little. My hand was lost in his. He lifted me into his arms. I could feel him carrying me along. Where was he taking me? What did he want to show me?
Outside our window on a ledge, a sparrow had built a nest and the eggs had cracked open. Tiny baby birds were crying and their mother was rushing to and fro with insects for them to eat.
“They're like you,” Daddy said. “This is your nest.”
I was fascinated.
I had forgotten that time, those birds. The way Daddy had held my hand and watched them with me. How could I have forgotten all that?
My daddy closed the window softly and carried me back to bed, where I fell asleep with a smile of contentment on my face that would make the desert rat and even the tortoise envious.
In the days following my visit to Natani's hogan, I wasn't able to tell anyone what he had taught me. I wasn't sure what it was myself exactly. All I knew was, whenever I felt overwhelmed, annoyed, or angry, I would stop, take a deep breath, and concentrate on something beautiful around me. The bad feeling would lose its grip on me, and after a while whatever it was that had caused it no longer seemed important.
The buddies, especially M'Lady One, took my behavior to mean I had lost all resistance and defiance. They had me where they wanted me. At least, that was what they believed. I could see it in their satisfied faces and even heard them say things like “I knew it was just a matter of time with her. They think they're all so tough until they get here.”
Even hearing that sort of thing didn't bother me. If it was so important to them to win, let them win, I thought. What was it they actually won anyway? I guess it was the satisfaction in knowing no one was better than they were, no one could resist and fight what they couldn't resist and fight. That made them comfortable with who and what they were now. Whether they were uncomfortable wasn't important. It was a waste of energy to hate them. Someday, they would be gone forever from my life.
None of the other girls seemed to have what I now had, especially Teal. Of all of us, even after what we had each experienced in one way or another, Teal was still the most impatient, upset, and annoyed. Being terrified of any new punishment kept her from being too loud or ever openly refusing to do anything. She never muttered anything within the hea
ring of any of the buddies and was always subdued and as submissive as a puppy in Dr. Foreman's presence, but when she could, when it was safe, she moaned and groaned.
She hated the wind for what it was doing to her skin and she hated the sun for the same reasons. This was a filthy, dirty place. We were all going to die of some disease. We might as well just run off and die in the desert as she had almost died. What was the point of waiting for a release that would never come?
I was tempted to send her to Natani. I even started to talk to her about it, but she shook her head and said, “He's as crazy as the rest of them here. Why would he stay here? Why would anyone choose this place?”
It did no good to tell her that this was his world and he was happy in it. She could never understand how anyone would be happy in a world without television, movies, cars, parties, clothes, and jewelry.
Perhaps it was the rhythm of our lives here, the sameness of our chores, our schedule, the ordinary meals, the continuous schoolwork, and the dreaded therapy sessions with Dr. Foreman that tore at Teal more, but I could see she was growing worse with every passing day. Like Gia, she ate less and less. She was soon almost as thin as Mindy.
And she returned to her chant: “I'm going crazy here. I can't stand it much longer. I've got to get out of here. I've got to try to escape again. Why would those damn buddies enjoy this? Why did they come back? If I ever got the opportunity to get away, you wouldn't see me within a hundred miles of this place.”
She recited it all one morning when it was just she, Robin, and me out there working in the garden. Mindy and Gia had been given orders to straighten up and clean out the shed.
“It could be they're having more fun than we think,” Robin offered. “And I don't mean just tormenting and lording it over us. Remember what Gia and Mindy told us about spying on their partying.”
Teal nodded. “Yes, at least they have that, don't they? Why don't we spy on them one night, too, and see just what it is they do have?”
Neither Robin nor I replied. Stepping out of the prescribed order of things had become frightening.
“Well, what's wrong with that idea? At least it will be something fun to do. Robin?” Teal continued, her voice building with enthusiasm.
“I'd be afraid of getting caught,” Robin simply admitted.
“We won't get caught. Phoebe?”
“I'm not interested in them.”
“Me neither. There couldn't be more uninteresting people on the face of the earth. It's just something to do, something that we weren't told we have to do,“ Teal moaned. When neither Robin nor I replied, she said, ”Oh, forget it. I'll do it myself. I don't need you.”
Robin and I still said nothing. Sometimes, I thought, it was better not to talk, to be like the animals, to listen and see and react only to actions.
Teal realized her threat wasn't getting her anywhere with us and she returned to whining. “Come on, Robin, don't be such a wimp. It's something to do and who knows what we'll see. Maybe we'll learn something. Come on. Do it with me. Please. What's the big deal? We'll peep in a window, that's all, but I'd like to see them with their panties down. I'd like to have something on them. It will make us feel better. You'll see. Please.”
Robin looked at me and shrugged. “I guess it might be worth a smile, and if we were very careful about it . . .”
I shook my head. “It's not worth anything to me.”
“We'll sneak out tonight,” Teal said excitedly, building on Robin's weak moment. “Okay?”
“Yeah, maybe,” Robin told her.
“Good. Come on, Phoebe. One for all and all for one. We came here together,” Teal reminded me as if that solidified us for life and we owed each other.
I had to laugh. It seemed years ago when we'd first met in that concrete room. “Yeah, we're about as loyal to each other as people in the same chain gang.” I laughed again. They laughed, too.
The sound was so rare, it was alien to me for a few moments. Laughter, fun, excitement. How far back had I left them? Was it possible to regain any part of myself or was it all being buried for good out here?
How long had it been since I had done anything that was in the slightest way fun? Parties, boys, pizza, my desire for it all seemed to have gone into hibernation, and that really bothered me. The only thing that made my heart pound now was fear.
“All right,” I said. “Maybe.”
“Should we tell Mindy and Gia?” Teal asked.
“I don't think so,” I said.
Subtly, I had begun to feel the division that had existed when we had first arrived. It had all returned.
“Phoebe's right. They've already done it anyway,” Robin reminded us. “It won't be as interesting to them. We'll just have to be very quiet about sneaking out.”
“Okay,” Teal said. Nothing could discourage her now. She was on a roll.
In fact, she was so cheered by the idea of such an adventure she worked harder, and that night she ate better than she had all week. I thought one of the buddies or Gia would be suspicious and realize something was up, but no one seemed to notice, especially not Mindy, who was spinning someplace deep in her own thoughts. She was doing it more and more now, sometimes actually talking aloud to herself.
What was happening to her? Was it something Dr. Foreman actually saw or actually caused?
Against this cloud that both Gia and Mindy kept around them was the light of Teal's brightened eyes. It was infectious. Robin looked excited and happier, too.
Perhaps something good had already come of the idea, I thought.
I just hoped nothing bad would.
Broken Wings 2 - Midnight Flight
Pajama Party
dust above the metal doors that opened on the stairway down to the basement, there was a slanted roof that looked like it was part of a recent addition to the main section of the hacienda. The roof was different, even though the walls were the same shade of stucco. We didn't go back there much, but I had seen it when I was with Gia and could see it from the cornfield when we worked there. Above the roof was the line of windows that we assumed, from what Gia and Mindy had described, were in the rooms occupied by the buddies, rooms we had once hoped would be ours.
Teal, now emboldened by her excitement, went behind the hacienda right before showering for the night and returned to report what she had seen. We had decided not to ask Gia or Mindy about how they had spied on the buddies. That would tip them off that we were going to do it now, too.
Teal said a metal drum was rolled over in the yard right behind the hacienda. She said we could stand the drum up, then stand on it to boost ourselves onto the short roof.
“It was probably the way Gia and Mindy did it,” Teal said. “It's easy.”
Pretending to go sleep was hard. Now that I had committed to the spying, I was filled with anxiety that made me feel as if I had swallowed a dozen live butterflies. They were flapping their silky wings against the inside of my stomach. I couldn't stay in the same position on my cot for more than a minute or so, and I was afraid my tossing and turning would stir Mindy's or Gia's curiosity.
Neither she nor Mindy said anything to indicate they heard or were still awake, but I still thought Teal was getting up too early. She squatted and tapped Robin on her shoulder. I watched them, and for a moment I seriously considered not going along. They hesitated and beckoned. I took a deep breath, glanced at Mindy and Gia, who looked dead to the world, and then I rose, picked up my shoes, and carried them as I walked as softly as I could over the straw. We said nothing to each other. At the door, Teal smiled. She looked as excited as a young girl on her birthday.
Maybe she had gone nuts, I thought. Maybe I was letting a crazy person lead me into disaster. If I had any real weakness, it was not thinking things out carefully and long enough before doing them. Look how easily I had been led to the slaughter back at Stone Mountain when I lived with my uncle and aunt. If I had been more cautious and skeptical, I wouldn't be here now.
Or would I?<
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Was this my inevitable fate, a destiny I could prevent as much as I could prevent the sun from coming up every morning?
Teal opened the door softly and slipped out. Robin and I looked at each other to see who would go out next. It was on the tip of my tongue to say, “Let's just go back to bed, Robin,” but I didn't and I feared that I would later regret it.
She went out and I followed.
For a long moment, the three of us just stood there in the darkness listening and waiting to see if anyone was outside watching us. It was quiet. Not even a coyote was howling tonight. Teal nodded at the house and we made our way through a tunnel of shadows, winding from the barn toward the rear of the hacienda. Once there, we looked up and saw the lights were on in one of the buddies' rooms. We could hear music leaking out from under an opened window. Silhouetted behind a sheer curtain, figures moved like in a puppet show and there were short rolls of laughter, happy thunder.
For a while we stood looking up at the window, none of us speaking. Maybe they, like me, were trying to remember when they had had as good a time.
“What could they possibly be doing that's so much fun here in this disgusting place?” Teal asked, now gazing up with both jealousy and anger.
“Pajama party?” Robin offered, her voice dripping with sarcasm.
“I'm sure whatever it is, it's not going to be worth our coming out here and risking getting in trouble for,” I said, hoping Robin would agree at last.
“Let's find out,” Teal insisted, and led us to the overturned barrel.
We rolled it close to the house, then stood it up.
Because of the slant of the roof, only another three feet or so remained to the edge of it.
“See? This will work,” Teal said, and climbed up on it.
She began by getting most of her arms over the roof and then jumping up and pushing. I was surprised she had the strength to lift herself and swing her leg over the edge of the roof so easily. She looked so thin and fragile to me these days, but she was determined and hoisted herself completely onto the roof. She sat in a pool of self-satisfaction and smiled down at us.
Broken Wings 2 - Midnight Flight Page 22