by Sarwah Creed
I needed to shave and get rid of the rough stubble that was growing on my face and I had to have a cold shower. Just to get rid of the ache that was starting in my cock. I didn’t know if it began the moment that I thought of Vicki’s body in my bed or just the idea of her lying next to me.
I sat up and stripped off my uniform, something that I usually discarded the moment I walked in through the door, but today I was too tired. I walked in and climbed on top of my bed as if I was intoxicated. I stared at the walls blankly, my brain frozen in time while I waited for the next phase of my life to begin. I knew that as soon as James got home things would change and it made me feel numb. I was too restless and anxious to stay down.
I closed my eyes as I stood up naked and then headed into the shower. I turned on only the cold tap and screamed out loudly as the jet hit my body. It felt like ice pellets mixed with icicles darted at my skin. I could have chickened out and put a little hot water to it, but I didn’t want to. It was as if I wanted to punish myself for everything in my life, my past, my present and even my future.
As soon as I’d reached my limits and couldn’t take the cold any longer, I turned the tap off. Usually my body would get used to it, but today wasn’t the day. It just wasn’t hot enough outside. On a hot summer’s day, there was nothing more satisfying than a cold shower, but it was winter, so it wasn’t that hot. Besides, sometimes I had a cold shower to keep my aching cock getting even harder. Sometimes jerking off wasn’t enough, tonight nothing was fucking satisfying.
Nothing.
I climbed out after trying to figure out what to do next. I didn’t have to think that long as I dried my hair, then my back. I heard the front door open and then I heard his voice.
“T?” He called out from beyond the other side of the door and I was fucking relieved. I wouldn’t have to get out and stress about what to do next, somehow, I’d managed to burn enough time to make sure that I was ready to talk.
***
He poured me a drink, and we toasted to whatever was on our minds.
“You look good,” I said, and it felt weird saying that to my brother, his hair had grown a little longer, and it was no longer a dirty blond, after he cut it and he reminded me a little of Chris Hemsworth. Someone had said that we resembled him, and with this new style I could see the resemblance.
He didn’t seem frustrated, instead, there was a kind of peace in him. One that I’d never seen before, but I sensed it.
“I feel it. Not good, but better than before. It’s been a good few days. I just wish…”
“That I was there with you?”
I said, trying to fill in the words that he was struggling to say as he took a gulp of his whiskey.
“No. That I left with us on better terms. Usually, we tell each other everything, and I left searching for something, trying to hurt you, but in the end, I realized what I was looking for.”
He took another swing of his drink, keeping me in suspense.
“Peace. And that meant starting with him. Not ending, but starting with him,” James explained.
“I see. So, you tracked him down?”
He nodded and laughed, “It wasn’t hard after all he’s in there for life.”
Then he opened his mouth about to say something else, but then something stopped him, and I wanted to fill in the gap, but I found myself lost for words.
“We walk around the academy, these halls, as if we own the place, but we’ re so fucking broken. It kind of scares me, to be honest, the idea of us being so untrue to ourselves. Also, it kind of hit me. One day we’ll be apart. I didn’t think about it until we were arguing that day. But we could end up at different universities, towns or even countries. Who fucking knows? As we get older, there are things that we are both finding that we don’t like not just about each other, but about how we are when we are together. We’re no longer the same people that we were when we were kids.”
I agreed, “Yeah. Like the day you saw Vicki and thought that she was the one that we should have. You thought it would be some kind of victory if we had her before the end of the year.”
He smiled, “Not everything starts and ends with sex, you know. Besides, what I was talking about was him. Our dad. Our real dad. We’ve been blaming Hawk for so many years for Mom. The way that she is and was, but the truth is that he’s not the one who broke her. Dad did….”
I agreed, “So, why the fuck did you look for him? Sure, Rick did break her, but Hawk’s not exactly innocent.”
He interrupted me while I was speaking as he stood up and started pacing the kitchen.
“Dad’s nothing compared to him. He tried to burn the fucking house down with all of us in it, so he could claim the life insurance. We know that. We’ve never really talked about it properly, how we feel about it, but it’s about damn time we did.”
I disagreed with him, “It was something that we never needed to talk about before. He’s the devil in disguise. The monster whose blood runs through us. We don’t fucking need to talk about him. But Hawk had a baby he didn’t tell anyone about. He lied to Mom, never told her that there was someone else. He never told her that his heart belonged to someone else, and maybe that’s why he distanced himself from her. He broke her heart.”
James choked, “So having your ex-husband wanting to kill you and your own kids didn’t break her? Didn’t turn her into the drunk and addict that she has become now? We don’t even know when she’s in or out of rehab unless we see her on her social media. We never know…”
“Fuck James, if I didn’t know any better, I would think that you were blaming Mom. How could you blame our mother for this fucked up situation? She’s been a victim of falling in love with the wrong men. Remember the time that Hawk disappeared all summer, and then when he did turn up, she fell off the wagon again?”
He sighed, “I remember that he left because Mom decided to sleep with her dealer and then…”
“Fuck, James. Whose side are you on?”
I faced him, and I could feel the rage screaming through every inch of me.
“Calm down. I’m not here to argue or even blame anyone. I am saying that Mom is a grown woman. We run around acting like we’re some kind of fucking bad asses, and we are better than the men that we call our stepfamily, but we’re not. We fucking hunt virgins just to bring them down. We know what can happen as a result of it. Yet, we fucking do it, and it needs to stop.”
Shit, I hated to admit that he was right, but his words seemed to inhale all the frustration and anger that I had inside of me and then the only thing that came out was a relief. James was saying exactly what had been on my mind. James was the bigger brother even if it was only by a few minutes. I felt like a coward compared to him, and for the first time in forever, I really hated myself for it.
I slumped down to the stool beside me, thinking about the girl’s that we had fucked, used, and then tossed away. Realizing as James had just said that men had done that to our mom. The one in our memories that we held on to so dearly.
“Maybe if we were closer to her then we wouldn’t be the way that we are,” I confessed not even recognizing the sound of my own voice.
“I thought the same. But let’s face it. That’s an excuse.”
I nodded in agreement.
“I don’t know if I can look Rick in the eye and forgive him. Fuck! What he did, I mean, if I didn’t leave my room that night, then we would have joined our ancestors in the graveyard. I mean, I just can’t do it, no, that shit takes time.”
“Trent,” he said as he put his hand on my shoulder. “Times on our side. One step at a time.”
I wrapped my arm around him and said, “We’re brothers. Twins. Don’t you fucking forget it.”
He smiled as he broke away from my embrace, “I won’t.”
I sat down again and listened while he told me about all the things that he’d been through since he left. The way he talked, the haunted note in his voice, made it sound as if he was gone for a year, but it was o
nly a few weeks. He had a lot to talk about, and so did I, because I realized that Vicki wasn’t one of those girls. No way, she was someone that made me feel whole again, something that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I wish that I could give her up easily. That was a discussion that I needed to have with James, but tonight it was all about him. Tomorrow, sometime soon, the discussion would turn to Vicki. But not tonight.
Chapter Seventeen
The next day felt as if it lasted a lifetime. I didn’t see Vicki in any of the classes, and part of me was glad about that. I’d agreed with James to take it one step at a time, and this began with me staying clear of Vicki and spending time with him.
I needed my brother with me on this one. I had to make him see that to have Vicki in both our lives would be good for us, it was just a question of how I was going to convince him. I had the answer, even if I didn’t like it.
“Strange that Vicki didn’t show up today.” James said as he stood next to me in the lunch line. That was something that we never did, the new girl usually did that for us as part of her daily devotionals to us, but we were on a new path. Well, I was if I wanted my brother to stay and I did want that. I needed him too, the days apart from him had been torture. I just also needed Vicki, and somehow, he had to see that she was special.
“Yeah.”
I didn’t know what he wanted me to say, but I wanted him to get to the point.
“Do you think that she’s okay?”
Ah, he’s concerned and wants confirmation from me.
“I don’t know James, but I’m kind of wondering the same thing. I did try calling her between class, but her phone was off. Hawk came back yesterday,” I said, thinking that the two could be connected.
“That’s no reason for her not to show up today.”
I shrugged, trying to keep it casual, but who was I kidding? I was talking to the one guy who knew me better than I knew myself. He knew that I was bullshitting by pretending that I wasn’t interested when he knew that deep down, I was interested in finding out what had happened to her today just as much as he was.
“After class, we’ll go to the right wing of the house.”
I nodded; I avoided going to that part, mainly because it was near Hawk’s bedroom and far away from our wing as possible. Just the way that I liked things to be between us.
He was right; we had to find out where she was and why she didn’t come to class today.
“After all, she’s like our sister.”
I nearly choked on my spit, as the words left his mouth.
“No. Stepsister and besides we only just found that out.”
He agreed, “Yes. But now we know. Things have to change.”
I whispered under my breath as we started to collect our food like prisoners in the ward.
“Says, who?”
We headed towards our seats, waiting for us at the edge of the busy cafeteria. We sat in silence until he broke it, clearly showing that he heard me earlier.
“We do. Change has to come from us. We need to set an example to show that we’ve changed. After all, you’re the one that said we wouldn’t be in the academy forever and that we had to grow up the moment we get to university.”
I hated it when my own words were quoted back to me. It felt like a kick in the teeth; my eyes darted to the lasagna in front of me. My favorite dish, which generally would be so good that I would eat it without a second thought, but all of a sudden, I’d lost my appetite. I felt nervous as my mind darted towards Vicki.
I watched everyone in the cafeteria eat as if I was having an out of body experience. There was nothing special about today; I watched as they sat down and glanced at our table as if they needed permission to eat. I always had a healthy appetite, and now I couldn’t stomach it. The quicker the day came to a close, the better.
“Hey guys,” Claire smiled as she came closer to James.
I felt as if she could sense that I wanted her to get as far away from me as possible.
“Hey, Claire. How’s it hanging?”
James looked up at her, which kind of pissed me off, it was as if he was encouraging her to stay.
“Good. You know, been a long day, and we’re only mid-way through.”
She purred as she traced her finger up James’s chin.
I didn’t care what she had to say as James looked into her eyes, and it was as if she’d put him into a trance.
What did he see in her?
“Scram Claire, you’re putting me off my food.”
She opened her mouth to say something, but before she did, James shook his head as if to tell her to go. I was pleased with myself for the first time today. Claire didn’t see Vicki around, so she decided to come in for the kill.
I wasn’t that desperate, and neither was James. I would make him see sense that Vicki could keep both of us satisfied. Even if it would take some convincing, she was worth it and Claire wasn’t shit which reminded me, I needed to tell him about Claire slapping Vicki and it being completely out of order.
***
After classes had finished and the day had come to an end, it was time for us to look for Vicki. I couldn’t fucking wait. We put our books in our lockers and then headed to the one place that I usually avoided, the right wing of the house. I was slouched behind James as he walked in front of me with all the confidence in the world.
There was no denying that the relationship between Hawk and I was strained, and for some reason, it made perfect sense to me. But, whenever I saw him with James, I always ended up questioning it. If we weren’t twins, I would wonder if he was Hawk’s real son. They had a bond, one that I never had with the guy, and part of me felt jealous whenever they were together. It was if I was the thorn that stopped them having the friendship that I craved from him in one sense. But I also wanted him out of our lives. He was no better than his father, nor mine, for that matter, as far as I was concerned.
Sometimes I wondered if James was right, we were so fucked up that maybe when a good thing was in our lives, we craved the darkness too much.
Fuck knows!
Either way, the closer we got to Vicki’s room, the more I felt the need to leave.
“You okay?” James asked as he opened the door, the one that separated the left from the right wing. I nodded my head, and then he used his key and opened the door as if it was Aladdin’s cave.
The real reason I avoided coming here was that the last time I did, it didn’t go the way that I expected. This section of the house is older; it holds the pictures of all the Hawk’s, so many it made me cringe as I slowly walked through the halls. It felt as if they were all watching me. Making me feel, in their life-size paintings, as if I didn’t have the right to carry their precious name.
The same way that Carlton made me feel whenever he saw me as a kid. He would scold me for doing whatever I was doing and then remind his son that I wasn’t a true Hawk. Whatever that meant, at the time as a kid I didn’t know what it meant really, but I knew it hurt so bad, and the crazy part of it was that as we got older, it just hurt even more. I should have grown used to hearing it, but I never did.
I blinked, erasing the past from my mind, glad that the old man was dead so that the constant reminder was never heard again, but never forgotten.
“Damn, it’s so quiet here,” I said to James, who was walking and not even talking.
“Yeah, it’s a bit too quiet here.”
I nodded, and then I thought about the times we had here without Carlton, when Stephanie used to live in this wing with all of us. Now, the only one of us that lived here was Hawk. I wondered if that was the reason, he wanted Vicki living with him here; he was lonely. I shook my head at the idea of someone like him being lonely. I often wondered if he had a heart. Or if he was just a shadow of Carlton, still alive to taunt me.
“She’s in this room, right?”
Again, I nodded as he started to knock lightly on the door. I paced the hallway as he patiently waited between each knock, but then I saw Vic
ki approaching from the opposite direction with a pillow and blanket in her hand.
I whispered while pointing at her, walking towards us, “Vicki?”
She stopped, almost like she was in a trance, as if she was sleepwalking and I had woken her up. Then she gave us a weak smile as if she was happy to see us, but she looked exhausted, and I wondered why she was coming from the kitchen carrying a blanket and a pillow.
I walked up to her, “You alright?”
She shook her head, and as I walked closer towards her, I noticed that she was trembling.
“I couldn’t sleep last night. There was a man. A man…”
“In your room?” James guessed as she dropped her pillow and pointed towards her room.
I could tell by the way that her eyes fixated on her door, that she was in shock.
James walked to her door, “I’ll see if someone’s in there.”
I waited until James was out of the way. She dropped her blanket on the floor as she wrapped her arms around me.
“Was it him?” I asked not having to say his name or ask if it was the man that she claimed that she wanted to bring down.
She nodded, then shook her head. I wanted to know before James came out and I had to explain it all to him.
“I don’t know,” she whispered as she sobbed into my arms. “I was feeling so alone. You know, I had hoped that when I told you about Hawk, that you would want me to come back to stay with you last night. But you didn’t say anything. I felt so bad. Sad too. I came back here, then Hawk texted me and told me that he wouldn’t be back until today. So, I went to the kitchen and then I was heating some food and decided that I would go to my room and get a book. Or maybe my laptop. I don’t remember… and then I saw someone open my door. Maybe he heard me walking down the hall and it startled him, so he left. I didn’t care if he was leaving my room or not, I ran to the other wing of the house, got a pillow and blanket, and decided to sleep in the kitchen. I was terrified you know. But I didn’t know who it was, and whether I should call the police, or you, but you were busy with James…,” The words poured out of her in a rush and I knew I had to calm her down before she went into full-on panic mode.