by Rachel Dove
‘I would have liked to have been given the choice. You took that decision out of my hands. You made me feel like dirt, embarrassed me in front of everyone. I would have helped you, been there. What if you had died, Harry? How do you think that would have gone? How everyone back here would have taken that news?’
Harry came to her, and his hands were cupping her face. He touched his forehead to hers. ‘I know. I was stupid,’ he whispered. ‘I’ve regretted it every day since I left, but at the time I was so sick and scared, I just thought it was the right thing. Then, after, I...’
‘All that time though.’ She shook her head, pulling away a little to look into his eyes. ‘You pushed everyone away. How did you even cope, out there on your own? Why didn’t you answer us when we called?’ Her voice tapered off into a choked sob. ‘You must have been so scared, so lonely. I can’t bear it, Harry. What on earth were you thinking?’ Once again, she was flip-flopping from feeling awful for him and wanting to slap him for being such a stubborn fool. He could have had everyone around him, and he could have had his son. She would have looked after them both; she knew she would. Just thinking about it made her upset all over again. She didn’t like feeling out of control, and he hadn’t even trusted her when she’d needed him most.
‘I can’t believe you didn’t even tell anyone. You went through that all on your own, but you had me, Harry. You had me! You had all of us! I can’t understand the lie you told us all.’
‘I wasn’t thinking straight. I was fresh out of training, young and terrified. I wasn’t going to see the next year out. What about your lie?’ he countered, sitting back on his haunches, away from her. ‘You never told anyone about Aidan, not the truth. I’m his father. What about what you took from me? Don’t you think I deserved to know? You stopped calling a couple of months after I left. No one told me about him, Annie, not even my own father. I missed out on my son’s whole life because of you, and I didn’t deserve that.’
Annabel reeled back. She’d been expecting this in the back of her mind, but it still felt like a slap in the face.
‘You left me—what was I supposed to do? I didn’t know you were sick, did I?’
‘Oh, I don’t know. Write me a letter, pick up the phone. Send me a sonogram, maybe! Anything would have been better. What if I’d never come back? You called me months ago to tell me to come home, and you knew what I’d be walking into.’
‘Oh, yeah, that would have been a great phone call: Harry, I hate you, but you left me a baby when you went. How would you have taken that, mid treatment?’
‘Forget about the treatment! Did you not think I had a right to know? I’m not the only one who lied here.’ His eyes were shining with anger, and Annabel didn’t have a retort.
He lied, I lied. So much wasted time. We can never come back from this. Anything I’ve been fantasising about just seems too hard now.
‘I know. I have no room to talk. I have my own regrets, even more now I know the truth, but it’s too late now. I wanted to protect myself, and Aidan. I nearly called, so many times.’
‘Yeah? Well, I wish you had,’ he spat back, his anger still evidently controlling him. ‘I never got a choice in that decision either.’
He was so cold. It sent her barriers clanging right back up around her.
‘Yeah, well, we can hash this out all day, can’t we, but it just proves my point. We shouldn’t be together, Harry. There’s enough water under our bridge to sink the whole thing.’
Harry’s jaw flexed, and she looked away. She realised she’d been hoping for him to fight, deep down, but there were two deeply hurt people in the room now. He’d lied to her; she’d lied right back. Not exactly the basis for a loving relationship.
‘We have Aidan to think about. Whatever this is, he has to be the priority.’
‘I agree,’ Harry said, his voice thick with sadness. ‘That’s it then. So no more kissing, right?’
‘Right,’ she agreed. ‘I’m sorry, Harry. I really am. Are you well now? I know it’s a bit late to ask now, but what happened? What was the prognosis?’
It took him a minute, and then he was opening his sandwich.
‘I don’t really want to talk about it right now. I’m fine, healthy as a horse. You know now; that’s the main thing. We’d better get back to work. I don’t want to fight any more.’ He was looking straight at her, but all she could see on his face was disappointment. She could identify the emotion because she was pretty sure it was etched across her features. Tom and Lloyd were going to kill her. ‘Let’s get these eaten; we have a lot to do before school’s out.’
She sneaked a few glances at him as they ate in the quiet of the house, but he didn’t look her way again, and then they were back to work.
* * *
Harry was in the kitchen washing his hands free of grey paint when he heard hurried little footsteps heading towards the house. He looked across at Annabel, who was busy tidying away.
‘Should I go?’ he checked. They’d worked quietly for the rest of the day, apart from a few awkward ‘Pass me the roller, please’ or ‘Another tea?’. He’d finally been able to tell her everything, but it had gone far from the way he’d wanted it to. They still weren’t together, and the recriminations were thicker than the paint fumes in the room. It was a start, at least, but the afternoon had gone a little differently to the morning. The dancing, the kiss, the heat between them. The radio had been on low, but this time no one danced.
‘No, it’s fine,’ she managed to reply before their son barrelled through the door. She gave him a little smile, and he flashed her one back. He was mad at her but he still loved her, more than ever. He wished he could go back and shake their younger selves, make them talk to each other.
‘Mum, Mum! Guess what!’
She smiled at Harry, her face lighting up properly for the first time since lunch. ‘I hope you’re ready for this; he’s a chatterbox after school.’ She headed out to meet Aidan, and he met her in the kitchen doorway.
‘We get to take someone to school for career day! I can’t wait! Toby’s dad is a pig farmer, and he’s going to bring in a piglet!’
‘Oh, really? That’s so cool!’ Harry said to him, and Aidan turned and noticed him for the first time. ‘Your mother used to love piglets back when we were kids.’
He saw Annabel go rigid, and he replayed the words in his head.
‘You knew my mum when she was little. I forgot!’ Aidan exclaimed, all thoughts of the piglet forgotten as he looked from one adult to the other. ‘What was she like? Granddad always says she was born with ants in her pants.’
Annabel laughed, leaning across to ruffle his hair.
He brushed her hand off, smoothing it back down with a mini scowl on his mini-me face. ‘Mum! Don’t mess up my hair!’
This had Harry and Annabel both laughing. Harry knelt down, closer to Aidan’s eye level. ‘Mums do that, kiddo, and your mum was a little tornado when she was younger.’ His gaze flicked to hers. ‘She still is. Who are you taking to career day?’
Aidan gave his mum a sidelong look and moved a bit closer. ‘Well, I was going to take Mum, but I don’t know after today. Jade said her mum’s an air stewardess, and she gets to go on aeroplanes for free. I was going to ask Granddad, but he’s pretty old now.’
‘Aidan!’ Annabel chided softly. ‘Abe isn’t that old.’
Aidan rolled his eyes theatrically. ‘He likes old things though, and Jamal’s mum is a doctor too, so that would be super boring.’
‘GPs are super boring,’ Harry agreed, laughing. His heart was racing just being near his son. He wanted to scoop him up, give him a hug, but he was all too aware that Annabel was watching the pair of them as if she was waiting for a bomb to go off. He had a thought then. It was a risk, but one he was willing to take. A shot at one of the final lies that stood between them all, the elephant in the room. ‘You know, I’ve b
een on a few aeroplanes myself, for work. How about me and your mum come together? Would that be better?’
Annabel’s sharp gasp went unnoticed by Aidan, but Harry heard it loud and clear.
‘If the station would let us have the time off, of course.’ He glanced at her now, trying his best to gauge her mood. She looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights. Aidan was bouncing on the spot between them.
‘Really? Oh, Mum, that would be so cool. Can you both come?’ He made a batting motion with his hands. ‘That would knock the other kids out of the park!’ He bounced over to his mother and pulled at her hands excitedly. ‘Mum, come on, please!’
‘Well, I’m sure that Harry has other things to do than come to your school, honey.’
‘I really haven’t,’ Harry countered, pushing his luck now but still desperate to prove himself to them both. The thought of having an insight into Aidan’s school life, his friends, and the world he inhabited was so appealing it was worth risking Annabel’s wrath. He didn’t enjoy her discomfort, but she had called him. She’d told him about Aidan and, despite their failed kiss and their fight, he still felt that the embers of hope had been stoked. He couldn’t just shut his feelings off, even if he wanted to. He wanted to drain the water from under their bridge.
‘If it’s okay with the boss, I would love to come.’
Aidan’s face lit up. ‘Yes! Mum, can I go online now? I want to tell Finn and Josh!’ He was already heading up the stairs at this point, and Annabel let him go.
‘Just until your tea’s ready, okay?’
‘Yeah! Okay!’ he shouted down the stairs, before his door slammed shut. Not long after, they could hear the pew-pew of the game and Aidan laughing and chatting excitedly with his friends.
‘He loves that game,’ Annabel said, walking past Harry to start tea. ‘I’ve tried to play it loads of times, but I always die before I manage to land.’
* * *
Opening the freezer door, she took a second to gather her thoughts without Harry’s gaze on her. The cold air helped to cool her face, which felt as if it was on fire. First today, and now this. She would be going into school with him, while every kid in the class hung on his word and stories of faraway adventures. She wanted to know about his life, so it would be good to hear, but all she could think about was the fact that she’d been left behind, and why. When she’d thought he was jet-setting and making his mark, she was raising a child, keeping his secret, and he was facing his own battle on his own.
She couldn’t bear it. She hated the bitterness and bubbling fear that rose within her at inconvenient times; it kept her away from Harry as much as she wanted to let him in. The barb he had thrown at her regarding Aidan still smarted. He was right, but it was one more thing that they had between them. They could have the chance of being the family she’d always secretly wanted, and now she felt wretched at the thought of it never happening. She hated herself for being so weak, so wishy-washy in her decision-making, and her mother would have gone mad. She was almost glad that she wasn’t here to see any of it. She’d died confident in the knowledge that her only child had Harry by her side.
* * *
‘Listen, it’s been a long day,’ Harry said from behind her, and she knew he was close. ‘Don’t bother cooking for you and Aidan; I could get us a pizza or something, or we could go out to eat? I was hoping we could talk more. I need to clear the air.’
Grabbing a couple of steamed vegetable bags from the icy depths, she turned to him.
‘We have a rule, no junk food in the week. I’m grateful for your help today, but I do need to crack on with getting things sorted. Once Aidan’s in bed, I’m planning to crash myself. We have homework, the usual stuff to get through. I’ll see you at work tomorrow.’ She tried to be as sweet as possible, but she could tell by his face that he was disappointed. ‘I have to keep things normal around here. Aidan’s had a lot to deal with lately. I’ll see you at the station, okay? It’s been a bit of a revelation day; I’m having trouble processing things.’
Harry looked at her for a long moment, and slowly nodded. ‘I overstepped.’
‘You overstepped,’ she echoed. ‘Honestly, Harry, it’s just a lot. I am trying. I’m sorry I never told you about him. I really am. I’m sorry for a lot of things.’
‘I get it, Annie. I don’t really have room to talk, do I?’
‘I guess not, but I get it now. See you at work? I promise a ceasefire.’
He held his hands up in surrender, before tiptoeing forward on the lightest of feet and bending his head to hers. ‘Me too,’ he said softly, dropping the tiniest brush of his lips against her cheek and, before she could blink, he was heading to the hallway and out of the door.
She looked at the thawing bags of vegetables on the countertop and touched her hand to the spot where Harry’s lips had touched her skin. Turning on the radio, she poured herself a glass of wine before attempting to turn her attention back to the daily chores. The lines between her real life and the life she’d always pictured were blurring, and it was getting harder and harder to see which one was the real one. Or which one she really wanted.
CHAPTER FIVE
HARRY WALKED INTO the station bright and early, eager to get the day going now he was finally getting settled back into work. Over the last few weeks he’d been spending time with Aidan and his dad, reconnecting with his father slowly and getting to know the amazing little boy who still didn’t know he was his father.
Annabel had kept him at arm’s length since the day at the house, and although she didn’t flinch as much when he was around her any more, she wasn’t letting her guard down either. There were no more barbed comments, but the atmosphere between them was still charged. They’d not spoken about their fight, neither seeming to want to rock the boat.
He caught her watching him sometimes, at work, when he was playing with Aidan or talking shop with his dad. They were together a lot, and she never stopped watching him. Sometimes, he wanted to ask her what she was thinking, what the frowns and worried expressions meant, but he was still scared of spooking her again. When he did finally ask her the question that burned deep in his heart, he wanted to be sure of the answer. Anything less would kill him.
He’d waited a long time to be back in her life, and now that he was back, and had a real chance, he didn’t want to risk blowing it again. Too much was at stake for all of them. They’d both kept secrets from each other, but now they were out there he saw a real chance for them, the three of them, if they could get over their past.
The school career day was coming up at the end of the month, and Aidan was still so excited about them both coming to present to his class; he’d spoken of nothing else. She hadn’t stopped that, so he found himself wondering what his next move should be as he wandered into the staffroom to get a much-needed cup of coffee. The stuff Abe bought tasted like the bottom of a birdcage.
The moment he walked in he immediately regretted his caffeine addiction. It was full of people, and he was still tiptoeing around some of them. He decided to get what he needed and get out of there. Saying ‘Hello’ as he walked in, the room growing quieter in his presence, he filled his cup from the coffeemaker, taking a deep gulp of the hot black liquid before turning back to the door.
He bumped into Annabel, who was just coming into the room. ‘Turn back around,’ he said, taking her under the elbow and steering her away.
‘What?’ Annabel craned her neck over his shoulder. ‘But I need coffee!’
He handed her his cup, walking them both to the room where they carried out the handovers.
‘There you go. It’s a full house in there.’
‘Ugh.’ She pulled a face and Harry sniggered. ‘I wanted breakfast though!’
‘I’ll buy you a bacon roll when we hit the road. Why didn’t you eat before you left?’
She rolled her eyes at him. ‘That would be something.
I’m all about getting Aidan up and out on a morning. I swear he’s hitting his teens early.’ She took the cup in both hands and took a drink as though she’d just emerged from the desert. ‘Ahh, hello, my delicious dark lord.’
Harry laughed, and she elbowed him playfully.
‘Knock it off, I’m having a moment here.’
‘Oh, I know not to bother you before coffee.’ They nodded to a couple of passing nurses as they neared their destination.
‘You remember that, eh?’ she teased, taking another sip.
‘I remember everything. Every little detail,’ he said, waggling his eyebrows. She blushed, and his heart skipped a beat. ‘Come on and bring the dark lord. Let’s get this show on the road. I can already smell the bacon.’
* * *
In the last few weeks they’d fallen into a sort of uneasy groove with each other. The tension at work had lessened, although she’d never quite managed to quell the butterflies that still fluttered in the pit of her stomach when Harry leaned in close in the ambulance, or when they witnessed a tender moment with one of their patients. She’d even cried on him when one of the calls had been a bad one, and he’d held her and let her sob her heart out on him without even a second’s hesitation. Feeling his arms around her had made her feel so supported, and she knew he a hundred per cent had her back. Just as he had before. He was every bit the paramedic she was, and they had soon dropped back into their old shorthand way of communicating and working on the job. As she went to reach for something, he was already in the process of passing it to her, and vice versa. It made them the ultimate team, and the station had started to hum with the buzz of them being back together.
With the career day coming up, she no longer dreaded it as she had. In fact, she was rather looking forward to it. Not that she’d tell him that. She’d found herself watching him with their son, and when they were on the job together. She was imagining what he’d gone through with his cancer, worrying about how he had come through it. How he felt now. He and Abe were even different together. They laughed now, the recriminations of the past seemingly starting to resolve. She was so glad; she knew that Abe had been so upset about his son’s disappearance. Having Aidan around him had helped, but it would never replace his son. She understood that because no one would ever take the place of Aidan in her own heart.