by Alexa Land
I hesitated and told him, “I shouldn’t get in bed. The ink could seep through and ruin your sheets.”
But he said, “Your comfort is far more important that the bedding. That’s just stuff, and it can be replaced if need be.”
We both stripped down to just our briefs and crawled under the puffy comforter. He held me close, and after a while, I started talking, despite myself. I’d had no intention of telling him about the memories the tattoo stirred up, but the words just tumbled out of me. Once I started, I couldn’t have stopped them even if I wanted to.
We ended up talking well into the night. I told him things I’d never told anyone, not only about Tracy, but about how lost and alone I’d felt in Afghanistan. “All I wanted was just to come home,” I said at one point. “I didn’t know what I was doing there in the first place. I was just a kid, eighteen when I enlisted. I joined to try to please my father, but I should have known that would always be a losing proposition.
“When I finally got my wish, when my commitment was up and I got to come home to San Francisco, I crawled into the same bed I’d slept in as a kid, under my father’s roof, and then I realized that place wasn’t home either. There was no love there, no comfort. There were no happy memories or cherished belongings, or people who were glad to see me and who welcomed me home with open arms.
“There were just four dingy walls, and my dad, who was pissed off at me for failing to re-enlist, and…hell, I actually found myself missing Afghanistan. At least there, I knew what to do. As I soldier, I followed orders. There was no guesswork involved. As Tracy’s lover, I got on my knees and took his cock. I understood what was expected of me.
“Here, nothing I do is good enough, and it never will be. I don’t even know why I care. So what if I’m a disappointment to the people around me?”
“I need you to do something for me.” Alastair’s voice was gentle.
I pulled back a couple inches and met his gaze. “Anything.”
“Move into my condo in San Francisco, as my roommate.”
“Are you serious?”
He nodded. “You need to get away from your father and that toxic relationship and start fresh. It also gives us a chance to spend time together before I have to leave. And after I go, I hope you’ll stay on for as long as you’d like.”
“You’re not going to sell it when you return to the UK?”
“Never. It means too much to me, and I’ll still get to use it once or twice a year on holiday. That seems like a waste though, letting it sit empty most of the time. But if you continue to live there, I’ll be happy knowing it’s being put to good use.”
“I…don’t know what to say.”
“Say you’ll move in tomorrow. Gabriel seems a little lonely, and I’m sure he’ll love the company. I stopped by to check on him today, before I drove down here.”
I kissed him and said, “I need to think about it, okay?”
“Take all the time you need.” He sat up and smiled at me. “You know what we need to do now, though?”
“Midnight cereal party?”
“Exactly.” I slid out of bed and followed Alastair to the kitchen.
*****
The next day, I got to live out a fantasy by getting to pretend I was a student at one of the top universities in the country. I accompanied Alastair to Saithmore, and while he was off at his teaching assistant job, I sat in on a class in a huge lecture hall. Since it was the end of the semester, the other students had to know I was a party crasher, but they didn’t seem to care. And with over two hundred people in the class, the professor either had no idea or didn’t give a shit that there was one extra student seated in the back row that day.
I listened intently as the teacher reviewed the material covered that quarter, in preparation for final exams. The subject was Psychology 101, and it was fascinating. When the two-hour lecture ended, I wandered into the main quad and grinned as I texted Alastair: One psychology class, and suddenly I know what’s wrong with, like, half a dozen of my friends and family.
After a minute, he messaged back with: Well done, Dr. Freud. So tell me, what’s my diagnosis?
Extreme hotness, coupled with an animal magnetism totally irresistible to people named Sawyer MacNeil. I sent the text, then headed toward a brick building that appeared to be a café.
He wrote: Ha, thank you for that. What are you up to now?
I replied: I’ve found a place that looks like it might sell coffee. This is the ultimate test. If they can’t get the java right, then I can no longer be impressed with your fancy university.
Well, fingers crossed, since clearly my school’s honor is at stake! Are you at the Book and Bean? I glanced up at the name above the elaborately lettered chalkboard behind the counter as I got in line and told him I was, and then he wrote: Do you know Elijah Everett? Chance and Finn are his guardians, and they’re good friends of Zachary’s so maybe you’ve met them.
I replied: Yeah, we’ve met briefly.
Terrific. I’m going to send Elijah your way. Could you make sure he gets some lunch? He’s stressed out about finals, and I’m pretty sure he hasn’t eaten today. I’m stuck in the office for another couple hours, otherwise I’d do it myself.
I told him I was happy to help. When I reached the counter, I ordered a ton of food, including three sandwiches, a latte and an Americano, some baked goods, a smoothie and a salad. All of that was my awkward attempt at taking care of Elijah as best I could.
My order came up a few minutes later, and I picked up the tray just as a tiny blond appeared in the doorway, clutching the strap of a huge backpack. I went up to him and said, “Hey, Elijah, I’m Sawyer. I don’t know if you remember me. I’ve seen you at a couple weddings, and we were both a part of a group camping trip a few months back. I guess we have a lot of friends in common.”
“I remember you,” he said softly.
I gestured at the tray with my chin and told him, “I’m under orders to feed you. Want to sit outside? It’s nice out.” He held the door for me, so apparently that was a yes. Then he followed me to a table under a big oak at the edge of the brick patio.
I glanced at him as we sat down. Elijah was eighteen, but he looked a lot younger. In part, that was because he was short and very thin, but there was something else too, a vulnerability about him that made him seem almost childlike. The fact that he was almost disappearing in a gray hoodie three sizes too big for him just added to it. I could see why Alastair had taken him under his wing. Elijah’s big blue eyes flickered to me before returning to the tabletop. They were partially hidden behind blond hair that curled a little, almost reached his shoulders, and looked like it hadn’t seen a brush in a day or so.
“I didn’t know how long you’d be, so I just ordered a bunch of stuff to save time,” I told him. “Help yourself to whatever you want, my treat.” He hesitated for a moment, then picked up the smoothie and put it in front of him. When he made no move to take anything else, I said, “Dude, you can’t leave me with three sandwiches. I know I’m a big guy, but come on. Do you want tuna, a Mediterranean sub, whatever that means, or this healthy thing with hummus and stuff they dug out of the landscaping?”
He grinned, just a little, and put the tuna sandwich next to the smoothie. He had a pronounced southern accent, evident even when all he said was, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Do you think Alastair is hungry? I can save the lawn clipping sandwich for him. I’m not being mean, I actually think it’s less weird than the Mediterranean sub. That one features something called an olive mélange. I don’t even know what that word means, but it kind of sounds dirty.”
His grin got a little wider and he said, “Maybe you’re thinkin’ of ménage, like in ménage a trois.”
“You know what? I am. Now when you report back to Alastair, you’re going to have to tell him how creepy I was, because I kept making inappropriate comments about sandwich fixings.”
I was being goofy on purpose, and Elijah totally pi
cked up on it. “Thanks for tryin’ to put me at ease,” he said, studying the wrought iron tabletop. His voice was always so soft, and I had to lean in a little to hear him. “I know my conversational skills are kinda…nonexistent. But please don’t feel you have to entertain me over lunch. That’s just too much work.”
“Sorry if I was trying too hard,” I said as I pried the plastic lid off my latte. After I took a cautious sip, I murmured, “Damn it.”
He glanced up at me. “Somethin’ wrong?”
“This is one of the best lattes I’ve ever had. I was kind of hoping it would suck.”
“Why?”
“Because Saithmore is already way too perfect. Just look at this place!” I swung my arm to indicate the rolling lawn, heritage oaks, and neoclassical red brick buildings with white columns. “It’s straight out of the pages of the totally unrealistic dream college brochures I collected when I was in high school.”
He studied me for a moment, then said, “If you wanted to enroll here, maybe you could look into some scholarships. That’s the only way I afford it.”
“But I’ve heard about you, Elijah. You’re a math genius, so it’s no wonder they’re willing to give you scholarships. Me, I’m just an average guy with an A.A. from a junior college. I do have access to a little money through the G.I. bill, but that wouldn’t even cover a semester here.”
“Does the place matter all that much, though? Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that I get to go to Saithmore. But ultimately, learning can happen anywhere. It’s about makin’ the most of wherever you end up.”
“You’re right. This place just looks so much like the picture in my mind’s eye, you know? The quintessential college experience.”
He took a sip of the smoothie, then asked, “What did you want to study at that dream school?”
“I don’t know. Everything? I know that’s not an answer, but I loved studying a broad range of subjects when I was getting my associate’s degree. Every class was eye-opening.” I took a sip of coffee, then asked, “How’d you pick math as your major?”
His voice was softer than ever when he said, “I didn’t. It picked me. Ever since I was little, it just made sense to me. I didn’t know that was unusual at first, but soon enough, I realized none of my classmates were like me, and I tried to hide it. I didn’t want to be different. When we had math tests, I’d miss one on purpose, just so I didn’t stand out. When I was eight, a teacher finally figured out I had this ‘gift’. That was the end of havin’ any chance to fit in. I mean, not that I would’ve anyway. It seemed like everyone in that small town in Mississippi figured out I was gay before I even knew what that word meant. And then that math thing on top of it…sometimes, it felt like a curse.”
“I’m sorry you had to grow up feeling like an outsider.”
He shrugged beneath that giant hoodie. “That’s what I am, though, and what I’ll always be. Not just ‘cause I’m gay, or this total freak when it comes to math, but because that’s who I am. And maybe it’s not such a bad thing, know what I mean? Mainstream society is, well, pardon my language, but it’s pretty fucked up in a lot of ways. There’s so much pressure to fit in, to be like everyone else. The older I get, the more I think existin’ on the fringes is the way to go.”
“You’ve figured out more at eighteen than most people do at eighty.” He looked a little embarrassed, and after a moment I said, “I know Alastair probably twisted your arm to have lunch with me, but I want to say thank you for the company. It’s good to talk to you, Elijah.”
He grinned a little. “Alastair was hopin’ you and I would hit it off.” When I looked confused, he added, “Not in, like, a romantic sense, of course. He worries about me, so he keeps tryin’ to build up my social circle. Jessie’s brother Jed goes here, and we joke that Alastair keeps arrangin’ playdates for us. That’s what it feels like, a concerned parent tryin’ to help his awkward kid make friends. I get it, though. He wants to make sure I have a safety net in place before he goes back to the UK.”
“He’s such a great guy,” I said softly, “and a total caretaker, in the best sense of the word. He keeps trying to look after me too, and we haven’t even been going out a week.”
“He likes you so much, Sawyer. I’ve seen him smitten before, but this is another thing entirely. I was hangin’ out in his office this morning before drop-in tutoring began, and he kept gettin’ this far-away look in his eyes and a goofy grin on his face. When I’d ask what he was thinkin’ about, he’d tell me some random Sawyer fact. For example, I know without lookin’ that your eyes are a ‘gorgeous shade of cornflower blue rimmed in dark sapphire’. His words, not mine.”
I grinned at that, then told Elijah, “You’re wrong, you know.”
He glanced up at me and said, “No, that really is your eye color. A bit overstated maybe, but otherwise, it’s dead-on.”
“Not about that. You were wrong when you said your conversational skills are nonexistent.”
“You’re easy to talk to,” he said as he went back to studying the tabletop. “You’re nice too, but I already knew that. You were so kind to me on one of the worst days of my life. I don’t know if you remember. We were on that campin’ trip with a bunch of people, and I was falling apart, because I’d just broken up with my boyfriend. You gave me your trailer so I could have someplace safe and comfortable to get myself together. I don’t even know where you slept that night.” I hadn’t expected him to recall any of that, because he’d been deeply upset at the time.
“Breaking up with Colt must have been doubly tough, since you were living with his family, and his brother’s husband is your legal guardian. Did things work out after that?”
“Colt and I are friends now, but I’m kinda dreading goin’ home for the summer. He and his family are so nice to me, and they’re making this big show of welcoming me back with open arms, but they’re tryin’ too hard, you know? It’s just awkward. I’d rather stay here and take summer classes, but the dorms will be closed, so I have to go back.”
“Why haven’t you taken Alastair up on his offer? He really wants you to move into his house that’s right off campus. It sounds like there are plenty of reasons to say yes to that.”
“I just hate that I’m so dependent on people. After I ran away from home, I depended on Colt, and later on his family, to survive. Since I’ve been at Saithmore, Alastair has taken on a big brother role. You saw that for yourself when he sent me over here to make sure I ate something. I love him for it, and I don’t think I would have made it through this school year without him, but I have to grow up sometime. I’ll be nineteen soon, I’m not a kid anymore. And I kinda feel like acceptin’ Alastair’s offer is a step back on that whole road to adulthood, you know?”
“But needing and accepting a helping hand doesn’t make you a kid. It just makes you human. And life is so much easier when we don’t try to go it alone.”
“But how would I ever pay him back? My part-time job on campus only provides pocket money. I couldn’t pay my fair share of the utilities or anything else. I’d just be taking from him, with nothing to give in return.”
“Alastair doesn’t need or want your money, Elijah. What he wants is to know you’re safe and happy. Just be his friend, and let Alastair be Alastair. He’s a caretaker, like I said. He wants to know you’ll be okay after he leaves. He wants to know we’ll both be okay.” Those last few words stirred up a lot of emotions, and I cleared my throat and frowned at my empty coffee cup.
Elijah sounded sympathetic as he said, “He told me he asked you to move into his apartment in San Francisco, and that you’re considerin’ it. I think you should say yes.”
“I don’t know about that. But you should take him up on his offer and stay at his house down here, at least during the summer when the dorms are closed.”
“Why me and not you?”
“It’s a lot more complicated in my case. He and I are romantically involved. Usually, moving in together is this major moment in a re
lationship, but of course he’s not talking about that at all. We’d just be…well, roommates who sleep together, I guess. How’s that supposed to work?”
“Exactly like that, a variation of friends with benefits. As for all the other things you’re probably worryin’ about, take the advice you just gave me and let Alastair be Alastair. I know you’re not gonna take advantage of his generosity, and he knows that, too. If he’s talking about opening up his home to you, it means he trusts and cares about you.”
“Or maybe he just cares about everybody. I don’t say that to downplay his generous offer, it’s just an observation. He invited this guy named Gabriel, who’s a friend of a friend, to stay in his apartment without hesitation when Alastair found out he was in a bad situation.”
“It’s one of the beautiful things about him,” Elijah said. “Alastair truly cares about and wants to help everyone around him. I’m sure people must try to take advantage of him sometimes. But somehow, he’s managed to hold on to the belief that people are good and worthy of his trust. I hope to God nothin’ ever crushes that optimism.”
There was something in his eyes as he said that, something dark and haunted. I knew in that instant that something awful had happened to Elijah in his past, and I knew it had shaken his trust and optimism to the core. Even without knowing what it was, my heart ached for him.
As if he knew he’d let something slip, he quickly steered our conversation toward lighter topics. When we finished our lunch, I said, “Can I give you my phone number? It’s been great talking to you, Elijah, and I’d like to stay in touch.”
“Sure.” He grinned a little and said, “Score one for Alastair. This is exactly what he’d hoped would happen when he sent me to find you.”