by Alexa Land
“An excellent officer wouldn’t have gotten involved with someone under his command.”
Apparently my dad was done with the conversation, because he turned back to the TV. After an awkward pause, I said, “You were so angry when you caught me kissing a boy at fifteen. Now you’re talking about the fact that I’m gay like it’s no big deal.”
“I know I didn’t handle that right,” he said, staring at the screen. “It caught me by surprise. But I’ve had a lot of years to think about it, and…I dunno. I guess I’ve gotten used to the idea.”
“You know, you probably could have told me that at some point.”
“I just did.” He flipped through the channels with his worn-out remote while I frowned at his profile.
The throaty rumble of Kai’s Impala announced my friend’s arrival, and I said, “I have to go, but I’ll talk to you soon, okay?”
He didn’t look at me. All he said was, “Take care of yourself, Sawyer.” I hesitated for a moment, then headed for the door.
Kai was unlocking the trunk when I joined him, and he said, “Happy ‘moving in with a guy you’ve known a week’ day.”
“Thanks for helping me out,” I said as I heaved my suitcase into the trunk. “Although, as I explained, Alastair and I aren’t moving in together, not in the way you’re suggesting. I’ve just agreed to be his roommate for the next few months.”
“Roommates with a guy you happen to be sleeping with.”
“Yup, roommates with benefits. Is that so weird?”
“A little bit.” After I loaded my backpack and duffle bag, Kai slammed the trunk shut, then turned to look at me and asked, “You okay, Sawyer?”
“Yeah. I just had a totally unexpected conversation with my dad. I’ll tell you about it when we get to the apartment.” He got behind the wheel, and I told him, “Just a sec. There’s one more thing I need to do before we take off.”
I’d already texted Sherry that morning to tell her I was moving out, and when she answered my knock, I gave her a hug and said, “I don’t have to tell you I’ll keep in touch.”
“Of course you don’t! We’re family, Sawyer, so it’s a given. And moving out is a good thing,” she said as she squeezed me tightly and rubbed my back. “Maybe your dad won’t take you for granted once he realizes how much he misses you.” I doubted he’d miss me much at all, but whatever.
“Keep an eye on him, okay? Let me know if he needs anything.”
“Believe it or not, I already do that. You don’t have to worry about him.” I kissed her forehead before jogging down the stairs.
I followed the Impala across town on my motorcycle, and then we both pulled into the underground garage beneath the tall, white apartment building, using the passcode Alastair had given me. Kai insisted on carrying my duffle bag as we headed for the elevator, even though I told him he didn’t have to. “Kai’s Moving Company is full-service, there when you need us with a big trunk and a helping hand.”
“Well, thank you. I’m sorry to bother you with this. I just couldn’t get my stuff here on my Harley.”
“It’s no problem at all. Usually, when people ask for help moving, it involves a whole day of schlepping heavy furniture and reconsidering the friendship. This is a piece of cake in comparison.”
“Yeah, lucky for you, my whole life fits in three bags.”
Gabriel let us in with an enthusiastic welcome after we rode the elevator to the top floor. He was barefoot and wore a pair of black leggings with a long, chunky sweater that dipped off one shoulder. I once again admired how stylishly and effortlessly he expressed himself.
Kai looked around the apartment and muttered, “Holy shit. You’re movin’ on up, Mr. Jefferson.”
Alastair burst from the kitchen. He was wearing a navy blue apron that looked like it had taken a direct hit from an exploding bag of flour, and he exclaimed, “I’m so glad you’re here! I was trying to bake you something, but my first go had issues. This time, I’m actually using a recipe.” He went to hug me, then looked down at himself and said, “Oops, don’t want to get you messy.”
But I dropped the suitcase, pulled him to me and kissed him, then said, “Never let that stop you.”
He put his arms around me and gave me a big smile before directing it at my best friend. “Hello, Kai. Can you stay for coffee and attempted baked goods?”
“Sure. Where do you want this?” Kai indicated the duffle bag.
Alastair’s eyes searched mine, and he said, “We never talked about this part, but are you okay with sharing the master bedroom with me? Gabriel’s in the spare room.”
“Shit, I’m in the way, aren’t I?” Gabriel said. “I’m sorry. I’ll move back home to Martinsville and commute to my job at the club. You probably never intended for me to stay this long anyway.”
“You’re not in the way as far as I’m concerned,” I told him. “Actually, the sleeping arrangements sound perfect.”
“Like I said before, you can stay as long as you’d like, Gabriel,” Alastair said. “It’s much too far to drive back and forth for work. Plus, I like having you here, and I’m glad you’re someplace safe with no risk of your ex discovering you.”
“You sure?” When Alastair assured him he was welcome, Gabriel looked relieved. He then glanced at Kai, who looked perplexed, and said, “Long story short, never cross a sadistic Dom, especially if he’s also a criminal. My life is a little…complicated right now, and Alastair offered me a safe haven.”
Kai said. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
“I don’t think there’s anything anyone can do.” Gabriel pulled up a smile and said, “It’s nice of you to offer, though.”
The four of us moved to the kitchen, and while Alastair pulled a loaf of something out of the oven, I went to work with the espresso machine. Even though it had been years since I’d worked at that coffee house, I fell right back into the old rhythm and quickly and efficiently produced four lattes (per everyone’s request), then took an extra minute to line up the drinks and draw a picture across their surfaces with foamed milk, adding a few details by using the tip of a knife to draw with a bit of the dark espresso. Kai grinned at my rendering of San Francisco’s skyline and snapped a picture with his phone as he said, “You haven’t lost your touch. I still remember what you taught me, by the way. I even get to practice a bit, since Nana and her husband gave Jessie and me a fancy espresso machine as a wedding present.”
“It’s nice to know some good came out of my totally useless skill,” I said as Alastair leaned around me to get a look at the coffees and flashed me a big smile.
The four of us settled in at the small, round table in the breakfast nook. As I polished off a few slices of the cranberry-orange loaf Alastair had made (which he kept apologizing for, even though I liked the fact that it was on the tart side), I told my friends about the conversation I’d had with my father. “I agonized for years about how to talk to my dad about the fact that I’m gay,” I said. “Then finally, he brings it up and is just like, ‘yeah, I got used to it.’ He couldn’t have said something sooner? And why did we have the longest, most significant conversation of our lives as I’m moving out, literally headed to the door? Not like we didn’t have a million opportunities to talk over the last year.”
“Maybe that was intentional on his part,” Kai said. “Timing it like that meant it couldn’t turn into a huge discussion or an argument.”
I thought about that, then said, “Makes sense, actually. Like, ‘let’s talk about this, but only for ninety seconds and then I’m just done.’ I mean, it’s kind of nuts, but I could see my dad using that logic.”
“At least he seemed concerned and wanted to make sure your ex didn’t hurt you,” Gabriel said, pushing his long, dark hair behind his shoulder.
“Well, kind of. He didn’t think to check and see how I was when he realized I’d gotten involved with my C.O., tattooed his name on my body, and later broke up with him. There were plenty of clues that I was having a ha
rd time those first six months I was back.” I sighed and added, “But, whatever.”
“Commanding Officer,” Gabriel muttered. When I glanced at him, he grinned and said, “Just figured out what C.O. stands for.”
I smiled at him, then reached for another slice of the cranberry loaf and said, “Anyway, enough about my dad.”
Gabriel nodded in agreement. “Exactly, no need to dwell on the negative. This is the start of a whole new chapter of your life: new home, new job, new boyfriend. You have so many positive things to focus on!”
“I do.”
As I took a big bite of the cranberry loaf, Gabriel added, “Speaking of work, can we take some time today to practice our routines? Also, we could figure out what to wear if you haven’t already.”
At that last sentence, I felt a pang of anxiety and glanced at Kai, who was obliviously sipping his latte. And then I got mad at myself. Why the hell was I keeping a secret from him? Right then and there, I made a decision.
Since my mouth was full, I held up a finger in a ‘just a minute’ gesture, then went and retrieved my duffle bag from the living room. When I sat back down, I took a deep breath, unzipped the bag and told my best friend, “Like Gabriel said, today’s a fresh start for me in a lot of ways. In that spirit…well, there’s something I want you to know about me.”
I pulled out a corset and some stockings and tossed them on top of the bag, and Kai guessed, “You’re a drag queen?”
“No, although a couple drag queens were the ones who initially encouraged me to stop hiding this side of myself. Gabriel has been helping, too. He suggested participating in amateur night at the burlesque club because he thought it’d be empowering. I stripped down to this.”
“Do you have a lingerie fetish?” Kai looked like he was trying to understand.
“Not at all. I just tend to use lingerie as an outlet for this side of me because I can wear it under my clothes and hide it easily.”
“I get it. But what I don’t get is why you’d keep it a secret from me,” Kai said. “You had to know I’d never judge you.”
“I did know that. At first, I hid it from everyone, not just you. And when I started to let others see this side of me…I don’t know. I guess I figured you’d ask why I do this. I’ve never been able to answer that question for myself, so I knew I wouldn’t be able to answer it for you, either.” I stuffed the clothes back into the bag and zipped it shut.
“I don’t need an explanation, Sawyer. It’s obviously something that’s important to you, and that’s all I need to know.”
I said, “It’s a relief to have it out in the open. I mean, I’m not going to start dressing like that on a regular basis, but it feels good knowing it’s not this big secret anymore.”
“Why not?” That question came from Alastair, who’d been following the conversation intently.
“Well…because people don’t understand. Plus, on a guy with my build, it’s just awkward.”
Gabriel asked, “What does your build have to do with it?”
“Well, look at you, and look at me. Whenever I see pictures of androgynous models, they’re all small and thin, just like you are, and the clothes work as part of their overall look. But I’m this huge guy, six-four with big arms and shoulders. How would it look if I put on a skirt?”
“Like you’re a total badass who doesn’t give a shit what anyone thinks,” Kai said.
Gabriel told me, “I get weird looks and rude comments from people every day of my life. It makes no difference that I’m small and slender. I get what you’re saying though, about the media only celebrating a certain body type when it comes to androgyny. I see the photos too, of the slender waifs with long hair who look like they weigh eighty pounds soaking wet. But it’s the same as any other beauty ideal perpetuated by the media. It’s narrow, and biased, and it holds all of us to impossible standards. It’s also wrong. Beauty doesn’t come in one size or shape or body type. And I’m here to tell you you’re absolutely gorgeous, Sawyer, no matter what you choose to wear.”
I mumbled an embarrassed thank you, and Kai said, “If certain clothes feel right to you, screw other people’s opinions.”
“I wish I could adopt that attitude, but I’m just not there yet,” I admitted.
“One step at a time, love,” Alastair said. “For the first time in your life, you’re in a safe, supportive home environment, and you can be yourself here. Maybe it’ll help you explore and become more comfortable with that other side of you.”
That hadn’t occurred to me until he said it. I’d found a place where I didn’t have to hide. Just the thought of it was exhilarating. I leaned over and kissed him, then rested my forehead against Alastair’s as I whispered, “Thank you.”
Chapter Ten
Three Weeks Later
How was he just twenty? I watched Alastair as he led a team of people on a tour of the firehouse. He was wearing a dark blue suit that fit like it was made for him (and, okay, it probably had been), and carried himself with poise, confidence and an unmistakable air of authority. Alastair was in charge. Period. The architects and structural engineers who trailed after him clearly knew that. Everyone did.
I thought it was sexy as hell. He glanced over at me, and I gave him a smile that I hoped let him know exactly what I intended to do to him later, when I got him home and out of that suit. Apparently, my message was received, because that perfect composure faltered for just a moment. A bit of color rose in his cheeks, and he grinned flirtatiously before pulling his game face back up and resuming the tour.
“So that’s what that expression means.”
I turned to Darwin, who stood between me and a large table saw, and asked, “What expression?”
He slid his yellow hardhat back a couple inches and said, “Eye fucking. I now have a visual to go with that term, after that thing you and Alastair just did.”
“That obvious, huh?”
“Uh, yeah. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. You two are great together.”
“Today, we’re pretty much the prince and the pauper,” I said, gesturing at the dusty, faded T-shirt, ripped jeans and work boots that had become my uniform while volunteering at the firehouse.
Because Alastair and Nana had paid cash for the property, the sale had gone through quickly, and we’d gotten to work right away. Even before the sale was finalized, Alastair and his lawyers had begun hiring experts, drafting plans, and initiating the licensing process that would eventually allow the firehouse to be used as a shelter for homeless LGBT kids. Then, once the building was officially Nana’s and Alastair’s, a team of us had gone to work on renovations. It would probably be months before the paperwork went through and the shelter could open its doors, but we’d all been eager to start making the place both safe and welcoming for the kids it would house one day. Since my job at the burlesque club was very part time, it felt good to do something productive with my days.
Darwin, on the other hand, had very little free time, but he still showed up at the firehouse daily, even if all he could manage was an hour or two. He worked four part-time jobs and told me he was saving up so he could afford top surgery. I’d been pretty sure I knew what that meant, but I’d looked it up anyway and confirmed he was talking about a mastectomy, which was part of his female-to-male transition. It occurred to me later on that I probably could have just asked him, but then, I figured he already got a lot of dumb questions from people and I didn’t want to add to it.
Despite working constantly, saving money was challenging for him, because a lot of his income went to testosterone treatments, which his bare-bones insurance refused to cover. He was living with Nana, who was his boyfriend’s great-grandmother, and she’d offered to pay for the surgery, but he was determined to do it on his own, fulfilling a promise he’d made to himself as a child. I admired the hell out of him, for a lot of reasons.
I’d been teaching him how to do some basic construction and was continually astonished at how quickly and easily
he picked up everything I showed him. It wasn’t news to me that he was a bright kid, but I soon realized he was flat-out brilliant. Besides being able to learn effortlessly, he also had a love of science in all its forms, and he’d entertain me with random, off-beat stories while we worked, on topics ranging from entomology to physics to marine biology.
When I asked him about his plans for college (because that was clearly where he belonged), he’d told me it had to be put on the back burner. His priority was working and saving money for his surgery, and he was driven to achieve that goal. When I told him I’d recently enrolled in an online college program, he’d thrown his arms around me and said he was proud of me. I’d been so touched by that.
A big guy named Guillermo, who was part of the construction team Nana had hired, called, “Hey Sawyer and Mini Sawyer, the fellas and me are gonna grab a late dinner. You wanna join us?”
We both thanked him and declined the offer, and after he took off, Darwin glanced at me and said, “If I was bothering you, you’d tell me, right?”
“Where did that come from?”
“That Mini Sawyer comment. I guess it’s pretty obvious to everyone that I’ve latched on to you. I just hope it isn’t annoying.”
“It’s not at all. We’re friends, Darwin, and I’m glad you’re spending time with me.”
“I am, too. You make me feel safe in this environment,” he said quietly, looking down at his slender hands as he picked at the end of a two-by-four. “And you’re a patient teacher. It doesn’t seem to bother you that I don’t know how to do, well, pretty much anything. Plus, it’s been nice to have a male role model. I’ve always wanted that.”
I grinned a little and said, “I’m no role model. But hey, if you want to learn to make a good cup of coffee or how to build something, then I might be of some use.”
“Why would you think you aren’t a role model?”
“Because I’ve got absolutely nothing figured out. I’m working part-time at a burlesque club, I only went back to school a couple weeks ago with no real plan other than ‘get an education’, and I have no idea what my future holds. My life is one big question mark.”