by Alexa Land
“Have you somehow resisted asking him if he hears a who?”
“Just barely. It was touch and go for a while there, but I think I’ve managed to get a handle on it.”
“Well done.”
“Thank you,” I said. “I’m proud of that accomplishment.”
“So, how are you adapting to life in London?”
“It’s been a remarkably easy transition. I’m basically in the fine-tuning phase now, which includes looking for a slightly bigger sublet in my neighborhood with a few more amenities, like a kitchen. I have to stop eating out every meal, because I’m developing a raging fish and chips addiction. I joined a gym too, and I’m working on getting back into a routine.”
“I’m surprised you’re looking for a place, since you told me Alastair bought an apartment a couple weeks ago. You two have already done the roommate thing, so I assumed you’d just move in there.”
“He actually spends every night at my place. He bought an apartment so he could move out of his parents’ house without stirring up questions about where he was going. And we don’t stay at the new place because one of his relatives could drop by unannounced.”
Kai said, “So, he’s sticking with the whole hiding you from his family thing. How do you feel about that?”
“I don’t love it, but I understand. Besides, who am I to judge? I hid who I was from my dad for years, or so I thought, because I dreaded the fallout. And this is what I signed on for when I came to London. I told him I didn’t mind us sneaking around, if that’s what it took to be with him.”
“It still must wear on you.”
“It’s a small price to pay. In exchange, I get to be with the most amazing, kind, generous, and gorgeous man I’ve ever met. I’d do anything for Alastair, including keeping us a secret from his family as long as he asks me to.”
Kai grinned and asked, “Have you told him yet that you’re madly in love with him?”
I grinned, too. “That obvious, huh?”
“Well, yeah, and not just because you dropped everything to follow him to the UK.”
“I haven’t told him yet. I want the timing to be right.”
I could hear Isabella bounding into the room a few moments before she appeared beside her dad. She waved at the screen and called, “Hi, Uncle Sawyer!” She was wearing the sparkly princess dress Alastair and I had sent her from Penelegion’s. According to Kai, she wore it every single day, and he had to bargain with her when he wanted to wash it.
“Hi Izzy! How are you?”
“Good! Are you having fun in London?”
“For sure.”
She smiled at that, then turned to Kai and said, “Dad wanted me to tell you breakfast is ready, Daddy.” I thought it was sweet that she’d started calling Jessie Dad.
Kai thanked her for delivering the news and kissed her forehead, then told me, “I’d better go, but I’ll talk to you soon, Sawyer. Are you working all weekend?”
“Nope. I’m taking my first full day off since the coffee house opened. It’s a little nerve-wracking, but I know my employees have it all under control.”
“Are you doing anything fun?”
I grinned and said, “Alastair’s leaving work a bit early this afternoon, and we’re driving to his family’s house in the country. He’s been wanting to show me where he grew up. What about you, what are you guys up to?”
“We’re camping at the coast with a bunch of Jessie’s adopted family, including Nana. We wanted to do a little getaway before Izzy starts school in a week. I can’t believe it’s the end of August already.” No kidding. Summer had passed in a blur, between getting the shop ready for its grand opening, then figuring out the day-to-day logistics of running a business.
After we promised to chat in a couple days and disconnected, I stretched my arms over my head and looked around my office. My office. That still blew me away, as much as seeing my name above the door of the coffee house. The office was actually a work-in-progress, with blank walls and a few boxes that had overflowed from the tiny storeroom, but I felt a sense of pride as I took it all in.
Horton stuck his head through the door and interrupted my reverie a minute later. Beneath the shaved head and tough-looking, tatted exterior was a capable, intelligent man who was becoming one of my best friends. He called, “Oi boss man, there’s a bloke ‘ere to see you. Right enormous bastard too, I tell you what.”
“Did he say what he wanted?”
“He didn’t say much of anything, aside from nearly ordering me to go fetch you.”
As I got up, I asked, “Is he wearing a uniform?”
“No, but he’s clearly military. He just has that air about him. Who is he?”
“I’m guessing that’s my ex-boyfriend, Tracy.” I stepped out from behind my desk and looked down at myself. I was wearing a basic T-shirt, but I’d paired it with a slim-fitting miniskirt, tights, and combat boots, all black. “He’s never seen this side of me. It’s kind of pathetic that I’m tempted to change before I go out there.”
London had been a fresh start for me in many ways, a chance to both figure out and express who I was. I’d opted to keep my hair short, and at the same time, I started playing with lipstick and eye makeup. I also began combining traditionally masculine and feminine clothes, because expressing both sides of myself harmoniously instead of favoring one over the other felt right. My employees and regulars at the coffee house had only ever known that version of me, to them it was just Sawyer being Sawyer. But then there was Tracy.
Horton asked, “Why? Are you worried he’ll judge you for it?”
“I know he will. Tracy just doesn’t have it in him to think outside the box.”
“Don’t let a ghost from your past throw you for a loop, mate. Be proud of who you are. I think it takes balls to dress how you do and not give a damn what others have to say about it.”
“The thing is, I do give a damn. I hate the stares and rude comments, but I’m slowly learning not to let other people’s opinions matter that much to me.” I sighed, and after a moment, I blurted, “Fuck it. Who cares what Tracy thinks? I don’t need his permission or his approval.”
“Too right!”
I squared my shoulders, trying to project more confidence than I felt, and left the office. The coffee house was crowded, same as always, but I spotted Tracy right away. At his height, he couldn’t help but stand out. He was dressed in a grey T-shirt and jeans, but he might as well have been wearing his uniform, because just like Horton had observed, everything about him screamed ‘military’. People used to say that about me, too, and I wondered if I’d ever managed to shake it.
When he saw me, his expression became perplexed. I held my head high as I crossed the shop. This was my turf, my world. He didn’t get to make me feel bad about myself.
I held his gaze unwaveringly as I said, “Hi Tracy.”
“What the hell are you doing?”
“Running a successful business. What are you doing?”
“I mean with the skirt and the makeup.”
“You have a problem with it?”
He seemed to consider the question before saying, “I guess not. I just don’t understand it. You were never like this before.”
“Actually, I was. I just kept it hidden.”
“Oh.” He knit his brows as he tried to process that, and finally said, “I’m sorry you didn’t feel you could tell me.”
“Well, no. You had enough problems with me as it was. I can just imagine how this would have gone over.”
“I never had a problem with you, Sawyer,” he said quietly. “I had a problem with me.”
“Why don’t you come into my office?” I said, relaxing my posture a bit. “It’s a better place to talk.”
“It’s okay, I don’t want to take up your time. I just came to say goodbye.”
He was scheduled to ship out to California the next day, and I said, “You never told me where you’re going to be stationed. I thought all the Army bases around San Fr
ancisco were decommissioned.”
A frown line appeared between his brows. “I’ll be at Travis Air Force Base as an interdepartmental liaison. Me and a bunch of flyboys. That’s going to suck.”
“Doing what, exactly?”
“A useless, bullshit desk job.”
“Sounds miserable.”
“I know. I only applied for it because….”
“You thought I’d be nearby.”
“Yeah.” After an awkward pause, he blurted, “I’m thinking about leaving the Army when my commitment is up next year, but then what?”
“Well, then you’ll figure out the next thing.”
“But this is all I’ve ever known, and the fact that it doesn’t feel right anymore is totally throwing me off, and…Jesus, why am I telling you all this?” He looked mortified.
“Because you need a friend, Tracy. You’ve never had anyone you could talk to, and with all those emails you wrote, maybe you got in the habit of opening up to me.”
“I’m so embarrassed I did that.”
“There’s no reason to be.”
He glanced at me before directing his gaze off to the side. “I hate acting weak in front of you.”
“You should cut yourself some slack. Despite what you’ve been taught your whole life, showing emotion isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of being human.”
That was a little more touchy-feely than Tracy could handle, and he said, “I should go. I just came by to congratulate you on your new business and say goodbye. Oh, and thanks for the emails these past couple months. Sorry I don’t write back very often.”
While that was the first time I’d seen him since that failed dinner in Covent Garden, I’d gotten in the habit of sending him an upbeat email once a week. At first he hadn’t responded, but in the last couple weeks he’d started to write back. We both kept it light, just ‘hey, how’s it going?’ and a bit of news. But it was a positive step toward building a friendship.
“My boyfriend and I will be visiting San Francisco this December,” I told him. “Let’s get together. I also want to introduce you to some of my friends. I know a lot of good people in the Bay Area.”
“Why would you do that?”
“So you’re not all alone in an unfamiliar place.”
“I’m sure your friends will love me, given what you must have told them about our relationship.”
“I didn’t say much, and you should give them a chance. They’ll give you one, too.”
“Maybe. We’ll see.” He started to turn away, then paused and glanced at me. “I’m proud of you, not that you need to hear that. This place is fantastic, and it looks like a big hit with all these customers. But I’m even prouder of you for the way you’re dressed. It takes guts to let people see the real you, more than I’ll ever have.”
I pulled him into a hug, which he returned quickly before letting go of me, and I said, “Good luck, Tracy. I hope California ends up being a positive thing for you. Keep those emails coming, okay?”
“I will, and I’ll see you in December.”
After he took off, I returned to my office and sat on the corner of my desk, and then I grinned a little. That had been progress. I was glad to be building a friendship with Tracy, and I thought it was great that he was questioning who he was and what he wanted. Change was never easy, and it certainly seemed like he was still experiencing some growing pains. But he seemed like someone come to life after spending way too long on autopilot, and that had to be a good thing.
*****
Maybe ten minutes later, Roger found me in my office, and after we exchanged greetings, I said, “Tracy Garcia was just here. He came to say goodbye, because he’s leaving for the States tomorrow.”
“So, you two are friends now, ay?”
“We’re working on it.” When Roger frowned, I asked, “Do you think it’s a mistake to try to remain friends with an ex?”
“I guess I fail to see why anyone would want to, but no, I don’t think it’s a mistake.”
“Are you friends with any of your exes?”
“In order to do that, I’d have to have some.”
“You don’t?” When Roger shook his head, I asked, “What do you have, then?”
“A job that keeps me too busy for a social life.”
“Sounds like an excuse to me.”
“Oh, look at the time!” He glanced at his wrist, even though he wasn’t wearing a watch. “Do what you need to do, so we can get out of here. Gromit’s excited for your night and day in the country, so let’s not keep him waiting.”
After I said goodbye to Sal and Lee, the two baristas on duty, Horton walked me to the door and promised to call if any questions or problems arose. “It’ll be grand, you’ll see,” he said. “When you get back and find I haven’t managed to run your business into the ground over the course of twenty-four hours, maybe you’ll realize you can begin taking entire weekends off, like a normal person.”
I paused for a moment and looked around to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything. When Horton sighed dramatically, I said, “Okay, I’m going! See you Sunday.”
I’d ordered a huge picnic basket from the deli next door. Roger went with me to get it, and then he helped me carry it to his car. When I asked why he was grinning, he said, “It’s nice, you ‘aving a hamper made up for Gromit and taking care of him like that. He must have told you how he loved them as a kid.”
“He did mention it.”
“The housekeeper knows you’re coming though, and she will have laid in some supplies. You probably didn’t need the hamper that’s meant to feed a dozen people.”
“I didn’t want to leave out anything that Allie might look forward to.” I glanced at Roger as we exited the department store and asked, “Are you sure the staff at the country house won’t say anything to the Penelegions about him bringing his boyfriend home?”
“Since the house is rarely used these days, the staff consists only of my brother, who handles security at the estate, his wife, who’s the cook and housekeeper, and their son, who’s the groundskeeper. I had a long talk with them and explained the situation, and they promised not to say a word. Even though they’re loyal to the Penelegions, they hate the way the family has always tried to dictate Alastair’s private life.” Roger looked amused as he added, “It’s an outright rebellion among the Foster clan, I tell you. They’d never cross the family otherwise, but they love Alastair like he’s one of their own, and they want what’s best for him. I explained what’s best for him is you.”
“Aw, thank you, Ro. I’d hug you if my hands weren’t full.”
He muttered, “Thank God for small favors,” then grinned at me when I shot him a look.
We loaded the hamper into the back seat of Roger’s black Land Rover, and then he drove me to my apartment. The red Acura pulled up right behind us as I got out of the car, and when Alastair joined me on the sidewalk, I scooped him into my arms and kissed him, then said, “I missed you.”
He grinned and kissed me again before saying, “I missed you, too.”
Roger chimed in, “You saw each other this morning.”
To which Allie replied, “Exactly. It’s been hours!”
When I kissed Alastair again, Roger sighed and said, “You’re making me damn glad I’m driving up on my own. A couple hours trapped in a vehicle with the two of you and I’d have gone round the bend.”
“You know you can sit this one out, Ro,” Alastair said. “We’ll be in good hands with your family once we reach the manor, and all that’s between here and there is a hell of a lot of traffic leaving London on a Friday afternoon.”
“Yes, fantastic timing on your part,” Roger said as he leaned against his fender. “Perhaps you and Bonny could snog on the pavement for another half hour or so, to make sure we hit the absolute worst of the commute.”
I turned and headed toward the stairs. “It’ll just take me a minute to pack a bag, I didn’t get to it before work this morning.”
; Alastair and I exchanged grins, and Roger rolled his eyes. “One last shag before you had to run out the door, no doubt.” He held up his hand. “Don’t tell me if I’m right.”
I called, “You are,” just to irk him and chuckled as I bounded up the stairs.
Alastair followed me into the apartment and said, “I’ll grab your toiletries while you find some clothes.” By the time he returned from the bathroom with my shaving kit, I’d exchanged the skirt and tights for jeans and sneakers, and he said, “Aw. Why’d you do that?”
I’d done it automatically, and I had to think about the why behind it before answering. Finally I said, “My coffee house is a safe place. I’m comfortable being myself there. Actually, that’s true for most of Penelegion’s. But now we’re venturing out into the English countryside and parts unknown, and I just feel better in camouflage. No point in attracting extra attention to us.”
“Most of Penelegion’s? Are there some staff members who treat you less than respectfully?” His hackles rose instantly, and I could just picture him reaching for a stack of pinkslips.
As I stuffed a change of clothes in my backpack, I said, “They’re all perfectly polite to my face, but when someone’s even the least bit different, you know how it goes: the stares when they think you’re not looking, the whispered remarks behind your back, that little glint of disapproval in their eyes even when they’re smiling at you.”
He whipped out his phone and fired off a text as he exclaimed, “That’s unacceptable! Penelegion’s is supposed to be a safe and welcoming environment for everybody! I realize some of the staff have been around since the Mesozoic era, but that’s no excuse.”
“You’re turning Lorelei loose on them, aren’t you?”
“Absolutely. If they’re doing this to you, then surely they’re making others feel uncomfortable or unwelcome as well. I won’t stand for that anywhere, but certainly not in a business which bears my name!”
“I almost want to make excuses for them and tell you it’s not that bad, because ninety-five percent of the employees have treated me with nothing but kindness. You’re right, though. I’m imagining a vulnerable, self-conscious kid like Darwin coming into the department store. A little sensitivity training could go a long way.”