Shit. Maybe I should stay with Zach. Or maybe I can talk to Gen, then crash at Zach’s? Or drop by Nessa’s? She has a roommate, but she probably wouldn’t mind me sleeping on the couch.
Gen’s head pops up. “Mira?” she says through the open window. She springs to her feet and Lewis does too, a worried look crossing his face.
“Hey,” I say as I let myself in, attempting to look upbeat. “Sorry to interrupt, I…” I what? Needed a friend? Needed to get away?
All of the above.
“Come in,” Gen says before I can finish. She grabs my arm and leads me into the kitchen, where she pushes me onto a stool at the counter. She rustles around in the cabinets and pulls out mint Oreo cookies and a tub of Red Vines.
“What can I get you to drink? We have Jägermeister”—she makes a gagging face—“or rum. I haven’t had a chance to stock the place with good alcohol yet, only the sugar products. We’re left with what Lewis has around.”
“Um, I’m not sure I need anything.” I don’t drink much, especially not when I’m sad. Reminds me too much of how my mom copes.
“Mira.” Gen lowers her voice. “You look really upset. Are you okay?” She glances over my head. “I’m only asking because Lewis is about to come over and interrogate, so unless you want him involved, we should pretend like we’re having girl time.” She holds up her hands. “That is, unless you need to talk to him? It just seemed like—well, I’ve seen that look before. Crap, I’ve worn it. You look heartbroken.”
I let out a sigh. She’s right. I came here to talk to her. “Rum and Coke. And pass the cookies.”
Gen’s mouth compresses and she nods as if I’ve confirmed her instincts. She quickly mixes two rum and Cokes, pouring them into wineglasses. “We’ll pretend it’s fine wine,” she says, and hands me mine. “Give me a sec and I’ll get us some alone time.”
“You don’t have to—”
She shakes her head. “No, it’s fine.”
Gen walks over to Lewis and talks in a low voice. He raises his head and glances over. I take a sip of my drink.
“Mira,” he says as he walks toward the stairs. “Gen says you want to talk about girl stuff.” He cringes, though I don’t think he realizes he’s doing it. “I’ll be upstairs if you need anything.”
I don’t even want to know what she told him. He probably thinks I have PMS or something. But he glances back a couple of times, so maybe he suspects more.
Gen returns and grabs her wineglass.
“I don’t want to lie to Lewis,” I say.
I’m already uncomfortable with the one piece of information I’m keeping from him. I don’t want to add to the list.
“This isn’t lying. This is girl time. I told him you have personal girl issues to discuss with me. No lie there. You can tell him what’s up later, if you want. Once I’ve helped you figure out what you should do. You know, the right way. Not the guy way.”
I smile, despite my sadness. This is why I came. “Yeah, Zach and Lewis aren’t good for chatting about this kind of thing.”
“Boys.”
“Right.”
She sips her drink and leans forward conspiratorially. “So, which boy are we referring to? Have I met him?”
I slide my finger over the rim of my glass. There’s no way to say it, except to say it. It’s not going to sound good no matter how I put it.
“Tyler.”
Gen chokes on the gulp she just took, holding up her hand while she hacks and grabs a towel from the oven door. “Tyler?” she gasps.
“It’s not like that, or maybe it is.” I feel my brows furrow. “We have history.”
“He was strange around you,” she says, her eyes unfocused as if she’s thinking back. “I asked him about it once and he said he didn’t want to talk about it, which I of course translated to mean there was a lot to talk about. But I never would have thought it was…”
I’m tired of hiding the way I feel about Tyler, and I need Gen’s advice. For so long I had ironclad walls around my emotions. I finally let Tyler in, and he hurts me. Nothing good comes of a relationship where two people hurt each other. But how do I build up the walls once I’ve taken them down? Every feeling I’ve ever had for Tyler is exposed.
I grab a Red Vine and twist it in my fingers. “Tyler was my first.”
Gen sets her glass on the granite counter on a loud ping. “He was your first?”
“It’s been awkward living together.”
“Um, yeah. Why didn’t you say anything? We could have come up with a different living arrangement.”
“What could I say? ‘Sorry, Cali, I don’t want to live with your brother because I lost my virginity to him’?” I shake my head. “How do you tell that to someone’s sister?”
“I see your point.” She pushes my drink toward me, and I take a sip. “Obviously something happened. More than you guys being forced to live together. You’ve managed it so far these last couple of weeks without looking like someone ripped your heart out.”
I mentally flinch. I used to be so good at hiding my emotions. All that changed once Tyler returned to town.
“Living together, we’ve, uh, rekindled some things.”
I explain what it’s been like, the attraction between me and Tyler, him taking a job at Blue, the kiss in the copy room. And tonight. I give her the CliffsNotes rendition of the way Tyler left me after we had sex.
“Damn. I’m sorry, Mira.”
“What do I do, Gen? I care about him. I finally open up to the guy, and he does this. I’m not perfect, but I don’t deserve what he did.”
“No, you don’t. Never put up with someone treating you poorly. No matter who it is, or how much you care about him.”
Gen put the smackdown on Lewis when my relationship with him came between them. I might have been a tad needy of his time. And I might have pressured him to put me first. It sounds terrible when I admit it to myself now, but I was so scared I’d lose him. I still am, though giving Lewis space has proved that people stick around because they want to, not because they’re forced. You know, free will and all that. I’ve given Lewis space and he hasn’t gone anywhere. He’s still there for me.
I look up and sigh. “I’m trying to set boundaries when it comes to how people treat me, specifically my mom. She’s the only person I’ve allowed to hurt me, but now with Tyler…leaving me like that—it’s harsh.”
And plays on all my fears.
“What’s this about Tyler?” Lewis asks, surprising us from behind. We were huddled so close, I didn’t notice him walk up. He has an empty glass in his hand and he’s walking toward the sink. “Did he do something, Mira?” There’s an edge to Lewis’s tone.
Ah, shit. I look at Gen, and she shrugs.
“Trust me, Lewis, you don’t want to know what’s going on with me and Tyler.”
“Yeah, well, I’m sensing something bad. If you don’t tell me, I’ll have to go over and pull it out of Tyler. Physically.”
“Ya see? This is why I didn’t say anything.” I pull my hair into a knot at the nape of my neck and slump my shoulders. “Tyler and I—we…Crap, Lewis. It’s such a long story. Tyler was my first. Back in high school.” Lewis’s eyes go wide, and there’s a tic at the side of his jaw. I’m talking fast, scrambling my words in an effort to peel off the Band-Aid. “It’s been, ehh, difficult living with him. We, ah, we—”
Lewis holds up his hand and closes his eyes. “Stop. I don’t want to hear it. Just tell me one thing. Did he hurt you?”
“No. Not physically. It’s fine, Lewis. I just needed girlfriend advice.”
Lewis grabs the edge of the counter, the tips of his fingers going white. “Because if he’s not behaving himself, you need to tell me.”
Lewis is pretty mild-mannered, but shit, when there’s a threat, he can be scary.
“It’s not like that,” I say. “We have a bit of a tumultuous past. I thought we’d overcome it, but obviously I was wrong.”
Only that doesn’t se
em right, either. Tyler has looked out for me—he’s grumbled about it, of course—but he’s been there. I don’t understand why he left tonight, but I’m not going to try and figure it out. He did, and it was cruel.
“Well, he needs to behave. I don’t care what you did, if he hurts you—”
“Lewis—” Gen presses a hand to his chest, and his gaze drops to her as if he’s momentarily startled. She pulls him aside and they talk amongst themselves for a minute.
This isn’t why I came here. I don’t want Lewis to be angry with Tyler. I’m not happy with him, but this is between us.
“Mira.” Lewis is staring at me, and I realize they’re both waiting for me to say something. “Do you need me to do anything?”
“No. Thank you. Actually, Lewis, there is one more thing.”
Lewis has been supportive, and we’re still close, despite his new relationship. I should have confessed sooner, but I wasn’t ready. I’m not sure I’m ready now, but holding on to fears has gotten me nowhere. “Please don’t be angry, okay?”
Lewis sits on the stool beside me. “Go ahead,” he says gently.
“I lied about why I owe the money,” I blurt. Lewis’s face is immobile, but a shadow crosses his eyes, as if he suspects what I’m about to say. “I’ve been supporting my mom financially since I graduated.”
Lewis lets out a loud breath and looks away.
“The payments have gotten worse these last couple of years. She told me her life was in danger, and I borrowed a large amount. I couldn’t pay it back fast enough…You know the rest of the story.”
Lewis doesn’t look at me.
Desperation bubbles up my chest. I wanted to finally be open with him about my mom, but now I’m not sure I should have told him.
“You’ve been so adamant about me staying away from her.” My voice falters and I take a deep breath. “And then I went and did this. It didn’t seem a stretch that you’d get fed up. I worried that you’d cut me out of your life the way you’ve asked me to cut her out of mine. I know it’s not rational, but…”
Lewis stares at his still-empty glass. I’m rambling, trying to explain, to make him understand.
“Lewis? Please say something.”
He sets the glass on the counter, spins on the stool, and walks to the front door. The screen slams into the frame at his exit.
I ordinarily bottle up tears, but these days, they spring from my eyes like it’s their business, slipping down my cheeks. I lower my head to the counter and feel Gen’s hand on my shoulder.
“It’s okay, Mira. It’s going to be okay. Give him time. He’s not happy, but he knows how difficult the situation is with your mom.”
I hear her words, but the only thing that penetrates is that the two people I want in my life the most have walked out on me.
Chapter Twenty-Five
I go to Zach’s house and tell him everything about my mom and the money, because there is no reason to keep it a secret any longer. He is totally pissed that I lied, but then he cooks us popcorn and we watch back-to-back episodes of Game of Thrones.
That’s what I like about Zach; he gets things off his chest and forgives. It’s a good quality. But while we are watching GoT, my chest is scoured and sore, and I’m having difficulty swallowing.
Tyler freaking left me. Right after we…And now Lewis is so angry. Will he ever talk to me again?
A piece of popcorn bounces dead center off my forehead.
“Snap out of it,” Zach says.
I smile halfheartedly. No way am I getting into the dirty details about Tyler with Zach. Explaining it to Lewis was bad enough. But this is nice. As shitty as things are, I still have friends, and that’s something. Some of my worst fears have been realized tonight with Lewis walking out once he heard the truth, and Tyler…what he did, so wrong. But I’m still standing. And I’m not entirely alone.
I stay with Zach over the next few days, going in to work and doing my best to act like the guy I’ve always cared about didn’t tear my heart from my chest, and that my best friend isn’t so mad he won’t speak to me. I’ve also visited John and Becky and explained to them the situation with my mom. They weren’t happy that I lied, or that my mom has been using me as her personal bank account. I did not mention that I think the guys who beat me up were hitmen for the dude I owe. There’s only so much parental units can take without wigging out, no matter how far into adulthood you get.
“No going out alone until you get the money paid off,” John said. So obviously, he was concerned about that very issue without me having to confirm it.
I could literally see the pain on his face when I told him I wanted to pay off the debt by myself. He argued with me, rubbing a red mark into his forehead. It was killing him not to be able to take care of this, but somehow I feel that if I’m forced to get out of the rest of this situation myself, I won’t allow it to happen again. That I’ll no longer be susceptible to my mom’s manipulation.
I’m not stupid—if I think my life or anyone else’s is in danger, I’ll ask John and Becky for the money. But for now, the guy I owe was happy with the after-tax money I received from my signing bonus. He’s allowing me to pay the rest in installments over the next few weeks. I guess he figures if I’m dead, he gets nothing.
It’s another long afternoon in the office as I work overtime to prepare for the festival. Despite the mountain of work Hayden and I have, we’ve managed to remain afloat. It’s amazing how productive I can be when trying to keep my mind off things.
I take a deep breath and press the buttons on the copy machine to print the last fifty copies of music festival fliers. One way or another, I’ll get through this—my debt, building a different relationship with my mom, fixing things with Lewis, and even letting go of Tyler, if that’s what it comes down to. I don’t like it—I might cry myself to sleep every night for the next year—but I’ll get through it.
I don’t need someone who doesn’t want to be in my life.
“Frasier, you going to the mixer tonight?”
William, a finance guy a few years older than me, stands in the doorway, tapping the doorframe with his sapphire Blue Casino signet ring of accomplishment.
Blue throws management mixers in the Mont Belle Lounge a couple of times a month. They claim it’s a chance for management staff to loosen their ties and form good working relationships. I think it’s in poor taste, given how crazy everything is right now. If people have time on their hands, they should help me and Hayden out with our crap ton of work. Just sayin’.
“I’m working late.” I read the error message that pops up on the copier and refill the bin with bright yellow paper.
We’re understaffed and unprepared for this music festival, but Blue has thrown it every year for the past fifteen years, so sexual harassment investigation and staffing issues or not, the show will go on.
“Get off early,” William says. “Your work can wait. That’s the reason they have these things…” He steps into the room, crowding me, though he’s a safe six feet away. “So we can mix.”
Ew. Obvious innuendo.
Over the last week or two, people have stopped snickering at me and started, dare I say it, respecting the work I’m doing for Hayden and the hospitality department.
I guess the leers from men are back as well.
“Can’t. Too busy. Enjoy, though.” I grab my stack of fliers, give him a short, tight smile, and move to walk past him.
William grabs my arm. Not hard, but his fingers are wrapped all the way around and graze my breast. I flinch and take a step back. He lets me go, but says, “You can always change your mind. There are a few of us who wouldn’t mind spending time with you. Give us guys a chance.” He plasters on a charming smile that makes me shiver in revulsion.
I have no words. Except no. Not ever. Putting aside the fact that I still have all these feelings for Tyler, William and his ilk are creepy. He’s good-looking, but there’s something about him and the group he works with. They remind me of
a pack of rats, scurrying around the casino, their oily confidence sliming the place up.
“Thanks, but I’m swamped.” I send him my best not-interested bitchy smile, because his presence is setting off all kinds of alarms in my head, and walk around him and out the door before he can deliver another cheesy line.
When I turn down the hallway, Tyler is walking toward me, a determined set to his features.
Staying at Zach’s, it’s been easy to avoid Tyler’s calls for the last few days; not so easy to avoid him at work. I don’t know what he wants, but the only way I can resist Tyler in my weakened state is to stay away from him. I’ll have to face him at some point, just not right now.
I spin in the opposite direction and steer myself into Hayden’s office, which is closer to the copy room than my small space.
Hayden looks up from her computer as I shut her door and listen for footsteps to pass. “Mira? You okay?”
I juggle the fliers in my arms. We’ve blasted the festival all over social media and posted it on the Blue Casino marquee, but good old-fashioned fliers are still a mainstay for local businesses.
“I’m fine. Sorry for interrupting. I wanted to make sure these are what you had in mind?” She’s already approved them, or I wouldn’t have printed a gabillion, but I need an excuse for barging in.
Hayden’s brow furrows. “You don’t look fine. Is someone giving you a hard time? That security guard I saw you with? I thought you were interested in him, but if he’s bothering you, tell me.”
“No, he’s fine. He’s a good guy.” And I realize the truth of my words. Tyler has always been a good guy. Even when he’s an ass. For God’s sake, he couldn’t even bail on me properly after sex. He had to make sure I was fed and hydrated.
“You’d let me know if there was anything wrong, right?”
“Of course.”
I work late, looking over vendor lists and making sure I’ve emailed everyone the information they need for their contribution to the festival. By the time I wrap up, our office is a graveyard, with the exception of Hayden, who is also working late. Everyone else has gone to the mixer.
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