Push & Pull (The Midwest Series Book 2)

by Brigham Vaughn

  In the lobby, he hesitated, realizing he had nowhere to stay. He dumped his bag on a chair in the lounge area and sat down next to it, pulling out his phone. “I guess I better hope Nathan and Caleb are willing to put me up,” he muttered under his breath.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  June 29, 2013 – Houghton, Michigan

  Lowell

  Lowell’s heart ached as he pulled everything out of his suitcase. He’d haphazardly thrown together collared shirts on top of hiking shoes at the campsite when he and Brent separated their belongings, but at the time, he’d been too numb to care.

  Now, his eyes burned from all the crying he’d done, and his head throbbed. Twice, he’d heard noises at the door, and his heart had leapt with hope that Brent had changed his mind, only to realize it was someone one room over or across the hall.

  He picked up his rain jacket, and Brent’s Pride shirt tumbled out. He raised it to his face. It smelled like him. Just like when Lowell buried his nose against Brent’s chest and let himself be held. And every fiber of his being ached to feel that again.

  He dropped onto the bed and stared at his phone, willing it to ring or for a text to come through. But it was silent. And he couldn’t seem to force himself to send a message to Brent, no matter how badly he wanted to.

  He couldn’t allow himself to keep getting hurt like this. Micah had already broken him once.

  “I mean it, Lowell.” Micah’s voice was a little husky. “I really like what we have. And I want to know you’re going to be here waiting for me.”

  The warm feeling in Lowell’s chest slowly dissipated, replaced with an icy sensation that gradually chilled him. “Waiting for you?”

  “Yeah.” Micah brushed his knuckles across Lowell’s cheek. “I want you to be mine.”

  “I’m not anyone’s,” Lowell protested.

  “You could be.”

  “I don’t want to be.”

  But Micah just smirked like he didn’t believe Lowell. “Come on.” His tone was coaxing. “I have it all worked out. I can come by a couple of times a week, and we can spend the night together.”

  Lowell flipped onto his side. This wasn’t the first time Micah had suggested they should be a little more than friends with benefits. “Like a regular date night?”

  “Well, more like I’ll call you when I can get away with spending a night away. When Chelsea won’t notice.”

  “Wait, you’re going to keep seeing her?” Lowell’s voice rose. “Fucking her?”

  Micah shrugged. “I’ve gotta maintain appearances. You know that.”

  “Yeah, but how do you stand it?” Lowell asked. “Pretending to be attracted to her? I know you’re not bi.”

  Micah smirked. “I tell her I like it doggie style. It’s not so bad from the back when I can’t see her tits flopping around. She’s totally paranoid about getting knocked up so she lets me fuck her up the ass. I just pretend she’s a guy.”

  Lowell felt queasy. “Please tell me you’re at least using condoms.”

  “Most of the time.”

  “Most of the time? What the fuck, Micah?” Lowell shuddered. “I can’t believe you’d be that risky.”

  “Well, it’s not like you’ll let me go bareback.” He sounded sullen now.

  “You’re damn right I won’t,” Lowell said. “Jesus. I don’t believe you. It’s a good thing I’m looking out for all of our health because, clearly, you aren’t.”

  “You’re such a nag, babe,” Micah said. “Who’d have thought a guy would be worse than a chick.”

  Lowell felt like he was going to throw up. “What about me?” he asked.

  “What about you?”

  “Would you care if I saw other people?”

  Micah scowled. “Of course, I would. There’s no way anyone else is touching what’s mine.”

  “But you can fuck Chelsea whenever you want?”

  “It’s not like I like it. It’s just for show, so it doesn’t count.”

  “You’re an asshole, Micah,” Lowell muttered.

  Micah just laughed. “But I’m your asshole, baby.” He kissed Lowell hard, and after several orgasms, Lowell reluctantly agreed that they could meet up again.

  With some persuasion, Lowell had agreed to a secret relationship. They’d seen each other for months, stealing time in between their classes, Lowell’s volunteering at the local LGBTQ outreach center, and Micah’s training and games. Not to mention his dates with Chelsea. It soured Lowell’s stomach every time he thought about her. And he couldn’t look her in the eye when he saw her around campus.

  But the little glimpses Micah gave him of the kind of guy he could be under all of the asshole behavior kept him coming back for more.

  The times Micah brought back stupid little gifts for him that he’d picked up at their away games. The messages he sent when they were apart. The things he said when they were lying together in bed after sex.

  “I’m falling for you, Lowell,” he said. He ran a hand down Lowell’s back. “I can’t stop thinking about you.”

  “You’re just saying that to get me to fuck you again,” Lowell said lazily.

  “No, I mean it. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’m under all this pressure, and being with you is the only thing that keeps me from losing my shit.”

  Lowell turned his head so he could look at Micah. God, he was gorgeous. And when he was lying next to Lowell, being all open and vulnerable, it did something dangerous to Lowell’s heart.

  “I’m sure you could find someone else.”

  “No way. It’s just you, babe. You make all that crap go away.”

  Lowell melted a little. “I’m glad. But this is hard for me, Micah. I hate being your dirty little secret.”

  “I know.” Micah kissed his shoulder. “But I appreciate that you do this for me. You know how important my career is.”

  “I do. And I want you to make it to the majors. You know I do. But I don’t know how long I can keep doing this.”

  “Come on, babe, you can. I know you can. And I’ll make it totally worth your while. It’ll be different after I’ve signed a contract, made a shitload of money. I’ll have a big house, and we can do whatever we want.”

  “You’re talking years. Maybe a decade or more. I can’t hide like this for that long. It’ll kill me.”

  “God, you’re being overdramatic. Trust me; the money will make it totally worth the wait.”

  “I already have more money than I know what to do with,” Lowell admitted. “Trust me; it’s not worth it.”

  “Easy for you to say,” Micah scoffed.

  “Is that why you’re doing this?” Lowell asked. “Jesus, just come out of the closet. Figure out another career. I have plenty of money for us both.”

  Micah made a face. “There’s no way in hell I’m letting you support us.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Come on. A guy’s gotta have some pride. I’m not going to be a kept man.”

  “But I’m supposed to be okay with it?” Lowell sat up, annoyed.

  “It’s different. You’re ... you know ...”

  “I’m what?” Lowell asked coldly.

  “You know, the kind of guy who it’s not a big deal for. You’re basically the woman in the relationship, so it’s fine.”

  “The woman? Excuse me? No. I am all man, thank you,” Lowell said. “We’re gay. We’re not a straight couple. Gender roles are different.”

  Micah made a face. “Come on. I let you top me. Isn’t that enough?”

  “Let me? Jesus, you beg me to fuck you. And topping has nothing to do with this!” Lowell was getting more irritated by the minute.

  “You need to calm the fuck down,” Micah said. “And seriously, what were you wearing to class the other day? Was that eye makeup? I told you to take it easy with that shit in public. I mean, everyone knows you’re queer as hell, but do you have to look it too?”

  “I like the way I look,” Lowell protested. “And what does it matter? It�
��s not like anyone is ever going to know about us.” That came out more bitter than he’d intended, but the longer he thought about it, the worse he felt. If he stayed in this secret relationship with Micah, that’s all he had to look forward to. Secrecy. Hiding. Lies.

  He’d never be able to go out on a date with Micah in public. He couldn’t take him home to meet his family. He couldn’t tell his friends. He’d be a dirty little secret for years.

  It would just get worse if Micah was recruited for a spot on a minor league farm team. And if he did well in training there and was called up to the majors? Lowell would be lucky if he got a few stolen moments with Micah here and there. Hell, knowing Micah, he’d probably marry a woman in that time, just to be safe. The thought made Lowell sick.

  “Fuck.” Lowell put his hand to his head. “I can’t handle this, Micah. I care about you, but this is crazy. I am not hiding in the closet for the next decade. I need a relationship with someone who isn’t afraid to be with me. Who likes me for who I am. You have this huge opportunity to be an out, gay baseball player. You could totally change history, make your mark on the game, be a hero to so many gay kids out there—”

  Micah stood. “Go to hell. You don’t get to tell me what to do with my life and my career.”

  “I’m just saying it doesn’t have to be the end of the world if you come out. And then we could be together. For real. Not some sham of a relationship like we have now,” Lowell argued.

  Micah pulled on his boxers, his face hard and expressionless. “You’re a fruity little faggot, Lowell. There’s no way in hell I’m telling the world I’m with a guy like you. If I did come out for a guy, it would be for someone a hell of a lot more manly than your limp-wristed ass. Yeah, you’re fun like this, but there’s no way in fuck I’m going to admit to the world I sleep with guys like you.”

  Open-mouthed, Lowell stared at Micah as he pulled on his pants. Rage built in him as he watched him finish dressing.

  “You’re a coward, Micah,” Lowell yelled as Micah opened his bedroom door. “And you’ll never be happy like this.”

  “Fuck you, Lowell! I should have known this was a mistake from the minute I laid eyes on you.” Micah looked at him with an expression of pure loathing. “This was all a lie, you know? To get you to fuck me. I never really cared about you. I was just using you.”

  Micah slammed the bedroom door shut, and it was still reverberating when Caleb walked through the door and found him in a heap on the floor, crying with rage and disbelief. Lowell had let Micah in. Trusted him. And Micah had ripped out his heart and stomped on it.

  Lowell dragged in a deep breath and wiped the tears from his eyes. That was the guy Brent had gone to instead of staying with him.

  And that hurt worst of all.

  ***

  By the time morning rolled around, Lowell hadn’t slept a wink. The hotel had comfortable beds, but Lowell didn’t think his lack of sleep had anything to do with the fact that he’d become accustomed to sleeping in a tent. It had more to do with the fact that he’d gotten used to sleeping next to someone.

  He couldn’t even muster up the energy for yoga—God, after weeks of morning yoga together, that made him think of Brent too—but what didn’t remind him of Brent at this point?

  Lowell went through the motions of showering, then slathered concealer on the circles under his eyes. He stared dully at his reflection in the mirror. It didn’t help. He looked like shit. And he felt like shit. And none of it mattered.

  Nothing mattered except the big gaping hole in his life where Brent had been.

  Last night, he’d researched car rentals, only to discover that Houghton had an airport. It wasn’t huge, but it had direct flights to Chicago, which was all that mattered. He’d booked a United flight immediately. He could imagine Brent shaking his head at him spending that much money on a one way flight to O’Hare, but why drive when he could fly? The sooner he got there the better.

  Lowell had wanted to take the six a.m. flight, but he hadn’t been sure he could get transportation from the hotel to the airport at that hour so he’d gone for the one p.m. instead. The waiting was agony.

  It wasn’t until he received a confirmation email from the airline that he realized he’d automatically picked Chicago over Kalamazoo. And his decision had nothing to do with the fact that getting to Kalamazoo would require a layover. It had everything to do with where Brent was. Sometime in the wee hours of the night, he’d realized he couldn’t just sit by and let Brent slip away.

  As much as Lowell struggled to admit it, he loved Brent, and he would do whatever it took to fix things between them. He hated Micah with a passion, but in the end, Brent mattered more. He’d go and sit by Micah’s fucking bedside if that was what it took to get Brent back.

  June 30, 2013 - Chicago, Illinois

  Brent

  Brent texted Caleb and Nathan to let him know he was waiting downstairs, and he hefted his backpack higher on his shoulder as he waited by the entrance to the three-story brick building. Caleb opened the door a few moments later and gave him a wide smile. “You didn’t have any trouble finding Logan Square and our building, I take it?”

  “Nah,” Brent said, smiling back. “It wasn’t bad at all. It looks like a nice area.” It was a neighborhood about five miles west of where he and Lowell had stayed at The Park Hotel. “And thanks for the tip about the public garage a few streets over. I feel a lot better about parking Lowell’s car there than on the street.”

  His smile slipped a little at the thought of the guy he’d left behind in Houghton. Caleb gave him a sympathetic look.

  “C’mon in. Nathan ran out to get a few things at the store, but he’ll be back in a few. I’ll give you a quick tour of our place while we wait.”

  Brent followed Caleb up to the second floor and he unlocked the door to 2C. “So, it’s a one-bedroom place,” Caleb said. He pointed to his left. “There’s the living room.” He walked a little farther down the hall. “Kitchen. Bathroom to the right. And the bedroom is here in the back. It’s not huge, but it’s pretty nice and heat was included.”

  Brent looked around, trying to be polite. “Yeah, this place is great,” he said, but all he could think about was the shit-show his life had become.

  “Thanks. Sorry it’s kind of a mess. We’re still trying to get settled.” Caleb pointed to the unpacked boxes stacked along one wall.

  “It’s fine. I know you’ve only been here a few weeks.” Brent groaned. “Jesus, it feels like it’s been way more than five weeks since I was standing in a parking lot yelling at Nathan.”

  “It’s been pretty crazy,” Caleb said. “Do you want coffee or something else with caffeine? You look exhausted.”

  “I’ve already had gallons. I think I’ll be too jittery if I drink any more,” Brent said. “Water would be good though. My head is pounding.”

  They settled on the couch with water, and Caleb frowned at him. “So, what the fuck happened with Lowell?”

  Brent gulped. Yeah, Caleb was Nathan’s boyfriend. But he was also Lowell’s best friend. “Um, well, I kinda fucked up.”

  The sound of keys rattling and a door opening interrupted their conversation.

  Nathan strode into the living room a few minutes later. He was tall and broad-shouldered, with dark curly hair, and his face lit up in a big smile when he saw them. “Hey, Brent.” He paused in front of Caleb. “Hey, you.” His voice softened, and he leaned down to kiss Caleb. Brent had to look away for a moment. Not because he was jealous of Caleb having Nathan. But because he missed Lowell so much his chest ached.

  Caleb stood, brushing his fingers across Nathan’s gray T-shirt. “Why don’t I put away groceries while you and Brent catch up?”

  “Thanks.” Nathan stole another kiss. “The bags are by the door.”

  When Caleb was gone, Nathan sprawled on the couch beside Brent. “How’s it going? You guys are all settled in?”

  “Yeah. I mean, we still need a few things, but we are pretty much se
t,” Nathan said. “Caleb ended up with most of the stuff from his apartment with Lowell, and I more or less had the rest.” Nathan cleared his throat. “But enough about our fucking apartment. What’s up with you?” Nathan frowned at him. “Your texts were a little hard to follow.”

  “Well, I drove from Houghton last night so ... I’m fucking exhausted.”

  “Jesus.”

  “Yeah.” Brent sighed. “Look, before we get into all that, I want to say I’m sorry I’ve been kind of an asshole.” Brent looked down at the drink in his hand. “I know we haven’t really talked much this summer, and that’s on me.”

  Nathan sighed. “I get it, man. You were pissed, and you had some good reasons for it.”

  “Yeah, but you’re my best friend. Honestly, once we talked at the beginning of June, I wasn’t mad anymore. I just got wrapped up with stuff with Lowell.”

  “Yeah, speaking of Lowell.”

  “Ugh, don’t ask,” Brent said morosely. “We were doing really well until Micah called. I felt like I should come here and help him out, but Lowell was pissed. So he stayed in Houghton while I drove here to Chicago. I, um, ended up with the Porsche. I’ll have to drive it to Kalamazoo in a few days to get it back to him or whatever. Jesus. What a fucking mess.”

  Nathan frowned at him. “I think Caleb said Lowell’s flying into O’Hare this afternoon, actually. So you can get the car to him then. We’ll figure out a way to get you back to Michigan. You could take the train or something.”

  “Yeah.” Brent looked at the floor. “That’s not really what I’m worried about. It’s Lowell.” His throat felt a little thick. “I really hurt him, and I feel like an asshole.”

  “Kinda sounds like you are,” Nathan said, and despite his shitty mood, Brent laughed and shoved his friend.

  “Thanks, jackass.”

  “Just agreeing with you.” Nathan shrugged. “What can I do to help?”

  “Honestly, I don’t think there’s much you can do to help right now. I’ve just gotta talk to Lowell. Mostly, I need a place to crash while I figure out how to deal with all of this.”