Alana also took as few classes as she could get away with and avoided work as one might avoid the flu. Alana's main concern was how to look good and what guy she was
going to go out with. She chose not to have a boyfriend, as that would cramp her style; Alana's main goal in life was to have fun and she wanted Rosalyn to party with her.
Alana wasn't a girl with loose morals; on the other hand, she was very conservative. She just liked to have fun, flirt, and dance. Her clothing was conservative but also feminine. She wore very light makeup serving only to accentuate her already pretty features. No one could ever say anything wrong about Alana because she was a beautiful person inside and out. The guys she dated wanted more, but not Alana. One of the reasons she refused to get involved with any guy was because they expected more than she was willing to give. All Alana wanted was good clean fun.
Rosalyn was so thankful that her schedule did not permit her to go to parties. She did not have the time or the inclination to have a social life. Her life did not include boys or friends of any kind other than an occasional conversation with Alana; Rosalyn was too busy for that nonsense. Socialization was not something she felt comfortable with. Unfortunately for her, her roommate did not take no for an answer.
“I am going out with this hot guy today, I can arrange for his roommate to go out with you. We can go on a double date.”
Rosalyn sighed; this invitation was a weekly occurrence. “I am sorry, but I work today. After work I have to complete a research paper due Monday.”
“Come on, Rosalyn! Every weekend you have a research paper, or an essay or a test. You keep putting one excuse after another... Really!? I think you do not want to go out with me.”
Really, what gave you that impression? Rosalyn thought, but instead said, “I am sorry I am busy,” and ignoring her friend, she continued to get dressed for work. Her uniform consisted of blue jeans, a red t-shirt with the restaurant’s logo on it, and black tennis shoes. Of course she also needed a small apron to put her tips in.
Rosalyn loved her after-school job. She waited tables at the school cafe and her job made her feel safe somehow. She felt free to talk to people and flirt a little there. It was a required part of the job. At her job she had met many people including Sean. She had found out that Sean was a classmate in one of her psychology classes. He was the kind of guy every girl dreamed about, —tall and handsome, with the most gorgeous green eyes
and a great sense of humor. He was the kind of guy every mother wanted for her daughter —he was polite, responsible and knew how to dress, in other words, he was a nice guy. Sean had seen Rosalyn around campus and she had been in a couple of his general
education classes. She seemed to be the kind of girl he would like to get to know better. She always acted serious, she dressed conservative, and from what he could tell, she was very responsible.
He had asked his roommate’s girlfriend, Alana, to introduce them, unfortunately Rosalyn had refused. It was going to be up to him to meet her. He decided on a strategic plan of action. He was going to get to know Rosalyn. It was going to be a challenge. Sean loved challenges.
Sean had asked her out until she had finally agreed. She had tried everything to push him away but he had been relentless and persisted on befriending her. He had been at the cafe every day while she worked. He sat there and studied. Their interaction had started in a polite and friendly way, very professional.
“Hi Rosalyn, how are you doing today? May I please have a latte?”
Since it seemed so innocent and no different from the other customers, she had responded to his banter and mildly flirted with him. Their relationship had progressed from business to friendship without her realizing it.
One day after work, when he was going her way, he had walked her to her place. Since that day, he had walked with her every evening at the end of her shift. She had not noticed that he was breaking her so carefully built walls. Finally, on her day off when he had shown up at her dorm with a picnic basket, she had agreed to go out with him.
He had taken her to the local State park; it had been so very nice. They spent the day talking and getting to know each other. Their picnic contained fried chicken, dinner rolls, and cheese with sparkling grape juice to drink. For dessert their picnic had also included a scrumptious slice of chocolate cake. Sean fed her a bite and then took a bite for himself until the slice was finished. It felt so very intimate to her.
After their picnic they had gone for a walk around the park. As they walked, he held her hand or placed his hand on the small of her back, guiding her to wherever he had seen a pretty flower or a wild animal. She felt cherished and beautiful that day with him.
When she spoke, he paid attention to every word she said. As they talked, she noticed him rubbing her arms, or touching her hands. The touches were so very innocent and the more he touched her, the more relaxed she became, until very gently and slowly he had started to bend his face drawing near to her own, and she had panicked and pushed him away.
Although Rosalyn felt scared when he had tried to kiss her, it had also felt exhilarating. She admitted that he had been so very kind and respectful to her. She could not deny that she had loved going out with him. She had felt pretty while she had been with him.
Sean did not understand her attitude. One minute she acted as if she would welcome his attention, and the other she pushed him away. Was she a flirt, playing hard to get, or was she truly old fashioned? He liked her enough; he was not giving up until he figured it out. He accepted the fact that he was in no hurry and there was plenty of time to have her relax around him. Her personality was so skittish, like a recently adopted kitten in its new home. For this reason, he understood that he had to be patient. She was the type of girl he could think of as permanent. He loved to talk with her. She had a great sense of humor and her laughter was contagious. He loved touching her hands; they were so very soft. He definitely wanted to explore the possibilities of more, so much more with this girl. She intrigued him.
Alana and Sean, how had that happened? Wondered Rosalyn. These two did not allow her to hide in her private world. These two made her smile and she truly enjoy spending time with them.
“Hey, what homework are you working on?”
Rosalyn was distracted, so when Alana asked her that question, she had no time to think of excuses and answered truthfully, “I just finished.”
Rosalyn had not even realized the importance of her answer until Alana had screeched, done a little victory dance, and said, “We are going out today. You, Sean, Luke and I.” Rosalyn had felt trapped, but agreed to go.
They went to the movies, then to eat and finally they made it to a fraternity party.
They had such a great time together, that after that one outing Rosalyn felt that her safety walls had crumbled. She felt happy where she had not felt happy in so many years. Her feeling of contentment had also transferred to her relationship with Sean. She realized that she was relaxed in his presence, instead of tense and in constant guard. She felt that she could actually fall in love with him. This was something she had not allowed herself to consider until now. She looked forward to seeing him and hoped that he could break all the barriers she had so carefully built around herself. Unfortunately in the quiet of the night, once she was alone in her room, she felt the voice in the back of her conscious rise up, loud and clear, and reminded her that happiness was not for her. Would she ever be normal? Could she be happy?
With him, every day was a day she had felt freer than the day before. With his love and attention she had felt treasured. Everything had been working wonderfully, until he had invited her to church. It had all started so innocently. They enjoyed spending time together doing their homework, or watching a movie.
This particular day Alana, Sean, and Rosalyn were sitting at their small table talking as Rosalyn was searching for an article in the paper. She needed something to help support her point of view on her research paper and as she
skimmed through the paper, she said,
“Every article I read on illegal operations brings me back to modern day slavery? Who would have thought that would continued into this century?” said Rosalyn, distracted as she was skimming through the paper.
“Hmmm...” Was Sean’s reply, as he was trying to figure out this beautiful girl. He wanted to move their relationship to the next level, but she was always so skittish.
“Sean are you ok? You are acting distant today. By the way, I am off on Sunday. It has been forever and a day since I had a Sunday off. Would you like to go to the beach? Alana what about you? I think it would be fun.” Rosalyn felt exuberant, and her constant chatter was a reflection of her old happy self, escalating to the surface.
“Sorry, I’m busy on Sundays,” said Alana looking at Sean.
Sean was quiet, which made Rosalyn nervous. This was so unlike him. So she continued, trying to fill the silence. “I know it is kind of far, and the weather is not hot, but perhaps we can have a picnic there.”
Rosalyn was trying to figure out how to push her demons away, and she figure she needed to go back to her life as it had been. In North Carolina, she lived in a small town by the beach, and she had loved spending hours there. She wanted to see the water again and maybe go swimming. She had moved away from everything that represented her old life, and she felt that this was one step closer to healing.
She really liked Sean and was hoping to change the direction in which her life was going. She had even made an appointment with a therapist. She needed to start living her life. “Sean, come on, say something. I am off Sunday. Did you hear me? Would you like to drive to the beach with me? I know it's not officially summer yet, but I think it'll be fun.”
Sean smiled at her. He was holding her hand, rubbing his thumb over her palm, so very gently, “Sure, but we cannot go until about noon.”
“Oh, I was hoping to spend the whole day there. Come on, what is so important we cannot go earlier?”
Sean had been thinking of a way to move their relationship forward. He wanted so much more than friendship. Was she the right girl? He now realized that something was terribly wrong. He was starting to figure out something he did not want to see. Alana had tried to warn him, and now this conversation was taking him in a direction he did not want to go. The next day was Sunday, and church was part of it, not because he had to attend, but because he wanted to. Something did not make sense. He just couldn't figure out what. Every time that he had tried to bring up his faith in the conversation, something had happened and the conversation had gone in a different direction. He had not given it much thought, but somehow he assumed they shared similar beliefs. He should have known better.
“Rosalyn, I would love for you to go to church with me tomorrow. I teach Sunday school to high school boys, and you would love my pastor. He has a way of teaching the Word. He honors Jesus as he makes you think of ways you can become a better person, without feeling that you are going straight to hell.”
He was telling her this with apprehension. Every once in a while he would glance at Alana for support, but finding none he waited for Rosalyn's response. He really liked Rosalyn and was not ready to call it quits. He noticed her pull her hand away from him,
she looked away from him and he was astounded when she stood up and walked to the door, opened it and looked at him. She only said one word, “out.”
“Rosalyn?”
“Out”
Sean had gotten up, and felt that he had been sucker punched in the stomach. He
could not figure out the level of her anger, and how did inviting her to church have earned him that type of dismissal. She had kicked him out, without an explanation.
On the way to his car he was reflecting on the events, trying to figure out what had just happened. Why was she so sensitive about church? Most people would decline the invitation, but to show him the door. I actually thought we might have a future together. He liked Rosalyn, and now he needed to walk away, even though his instincts were to run right back to her. He looked at the heavens; You are the only one who can sort this out.
Alana realized that her mouth had dropped open. “What was that about Rosalyn?”
Rosalyn had looked at her friend, and ran to her room. She buried her face in her pillow and begun to sob.
Alana had felt glued to the floor. What did she miss? She sighed; her friend needed her right now. She walked to Rosalyn’s room, and sat next to her on the bed. “I do not know what just happened, but I want you to know that I am here if you need to talk.”
Rosalyn cried harder, and Alana, true to her word, sat next to her, while caressing her friend’s hair. She begun praying silently, other than that she was silent. She did not know what else to do for her friend.
Rosalyn knew she had overreacted, but she could not help it. 'God,' she was definitely not ready for. He had abandoned her when she was 15 and now she wanted nothing to do with Him. She was doing fine on her own. She felt awful. She wanted to fix it, but did not know how. She could still see the confused and hurt look of Sean’s eyes as he walked out the door. She had suspected that his faith and his God were the most important constants of his life.
If he was anything like she had been before that awful day, he probably felt that without God he was nothing. She knew she blamed God for the events of that night. As a child, she had been involved in every activity at church. She had been saved and baptized
when she had been fourteen, but then a year later, He turned His back on her. Sean was not to be blamed though, but she had still thrown him out. Why was she surprised that he had invited her to church? She had grown up in church. She knew that believers invited people to church. She broke into tears. Those tears became uncontrollable sobs that did not cease until she fell into an exhausted sleep.
He had tried contacting her a couple of times afterwards, but she had refused to see him. She could not understand how they could have been friends for about six months and God had never been part of the equation. She knew that was a lie, everything Sean did, every class he took, the way he spoke, the way he lead his life, all were clues that he was a strong Christian. She just didn't want to see it, until now.
With her busy schedule she had always managed to work most evenings and on Sundays. She never had to admit to him that she avoided church. Every time he had begun to speak about his faith, she had managed to change the subject. She should have realized that avoiding subjects of faith and religion was not conducive to a healthy relationship. She had hurt Sean and she really did not want to hurt anyone anymore. She had done enough of that to last her a lifetime. She had hurt her parents, then Mariah, and now this wonderful young man. He had always made her feel special, and she repaid him by kicking him out.
Sean somehow had not given up on her. Since she had refused to speak with him, he had settled for written messages. In a weekly basis, for the rest of the term he had sent her little notes telling her how much she was loved. She felt that she could not hide from him. The notes had come in the mail, or accidentally dropped on her desk, she had even found notes written on napkins at the cafe she worked at. The notes said things like, “you are loved,” “Jesus loves you,” “I am a good listener,” “I am your friend,” “call me, we can discuss this.” She never called him, and it had been so hard because she continued to see Sean everywhere. It was hard not to, when you lived at the college and took classes together.
All through that term he had done little things to show her she was special, but she had been too afraid to let him in, so she continued to avoid him. Everyday after class or after receiving one of his notes, she went to her room and cried until there were no tears left. Sometimes during her bouts of hysteria she would scream at God, if you are there
why didn't you protect me? Were you trying to punish me? That would make her cry even more and she would step deeper into her impenetrable cocoon. Her depression was a chasm that soon she would not be able to climb out from.
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The following term Sean was gone, just like that, no good bye, no anything. What else did you expect? Didn't you push him away?
She missed Sean so much she had gone out to see a therapist, but once he had started asking questions, she had shut down and walked away. Is this the life she wanted? This way her heart was safe and those around her were safe, she told herself, but was it worth living away from her parents and everyone else, not letting anyone in? She felt lonelier than ever. Blast it, Sean, if you had not come into my life, I would not have remembered what it felt like to be part of something; I miss being part of my family. I miss hanging out with friends. You were so good to me and I pushed you away. She burst into tears.
Rosalyn was so lonely that she considered moving back home, she missed her parents and she missed Mariah, but then again she did not know how to be a good mother to this beautiful child. She did not want to ever blame Mariah for things she was innocent of. No matter how much she missed her family she had to stay away to protect her baby. She was poisoned and she knew it. Everyone she touched she hurt.
She wished Sean were with her. He had been a great friend, and had always made her smile. She missed him so much she regretted her actions. After that term when Sean had asked her to go to church with him, she had not seen him anymore. She had heard that he moved on to seminary school. Funny they had been friends for about six months and she never knew that he wanted to be a pastor. Something else to help her realize how selfish she was. He had been so good to her, and she had pushed him away, and she had stayed behind lonelier than ever.
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