The phone calls drove her crazy with guilt, but she could not face them. Every time she saw them, she saw the pain and disappointment. They were great loving parents, but she had caused them so much pain. How could she have done differently? It had all been
her fault and she deserved the isolation and punishment.
Now she needed to face responsibilities she should have faced long time ago.
Responsibilities she had been too afraid to tackle alone. She knew she had wanted to for a while, but was worried of making things worse. She had tried to pretend everything was fine. She had believed her daughter was better off with her parents rather than with her, and that might have been the case, but now she did not know how to be a mother.
Every time she thought about bringing her daughter home with her, she had put excuses and pretended that her daughter was better off with the grandparents. She had even adopted the phrase: if it ain't broken, don't fix it, as an excuse to leave things alone and she had convinced herself that everything was as it should be. She knew she had been in denial. Her life, her relationship with her parents, and her relationship with her daughter had all been broken for a long time, but she had a hard time accepting it. It had been easier to hide from everything and run, than to face her failures.
At one point, her mother had tried to convince her to bring Mariah home with her. But Rosalyn had made one excuse after another: she worked too many hours; she did not know anything about kids; her parents were so much better at parenting than she could ever be. Her whole life had become one excuse after another. She had pretended to have a normal, perfect life, but she knew better. Her life was far from perfect and now she did not know her daughter.
She had no choice. She felt overwhelmed with the responsibility of a child. What was she going to do now? How was she going to raise her daughter? Her mother had been taking care of Mariah from the moment she was born and now it all came down to her and she had no clue on how to do it. She had been protecting her daughter from her sin and she had been protecting herself from getting hurt, and now she had to face reality. She loved her daughter, and now she had to try her best to do it right.
The other problem she faced was her memories. What was she going to tell her daughter if she was asked about her father? Those were memories she did not want to ever face. Those memories frighten her and were one of the reasons she had moved away. She had loved her daughter from the very beginning. She had wanted to have her daughter with her, but she had been too afraid to try it. She had mastered the art of blocking her feelings, but Mariah with her sweet nature, had managed to tear down her
carefully built walls. Every time Rosalyn had looked at her, she had wanted to reach out and hold her. She knew she could not do that. Eventually she would end up hurting her daughter, as she had hurt her parents.
“Mom, where am I going to live now that gramps and grams are not here anymore? Are you going to keep me?” a very shy Mariah had asked.
Rosalyn had been over thinking her life and options that she had not heard when Mariah came into the room and her question caught her by surprise. Rosalyn began to cry. How could she have done this to her baby?
“I would like you to live with me, if it’s okay with you.”
“I would like that.” Mariah had said, but then she got up and walked back to her room. Rosalyn had heard her crying.
She had to fix this somehow for Mariah’s sake. She knew Mariah was innocent of all wrongdoing. She was so very sweet. She had always been wonderful. Now Rosalyn needed to make some changes to own her life so that her daughter did not have to pay for her mistakes. She was going to work at having a relationship with her daughter. She was going to become the best mother she could be, but where did she start?
There were so many decisions to be made. As usual she started creating a list. She thrived on organization; first— storage for her parents’ belongings, second— sell her parents’ house, third— move. Move, where? To her very small apartment? Her place was not meant for more than two people. She had chosen her apartment because of its size and its location. The size gave her comfort. She knew there was no place for ghosts, and the location had been perfect when she had been looking for a job. She was so close to the downtown area she could walk to work if she so desired. She had not worried about school zones or having room for anyone else in there. What about Alana? Would she mind having a child in the house? She had not even told Alana that she had a kid.
Okay, do not panic, she told herself, one thing at a time. First, she needed to research schools, and rent a bigger place in the correct school zone. She would make this work. Her job? Oh! No, she did not have a job, and the one she had been hired she didn't show up to. Now, what? She doubted that she would get a second chance.
According to class discussion, this company was the hardest to get a job in. One student teasingly said that it was easier to get hired as a CIA agent than to get hired by
this company. Everyone she knew wanted to work there because they paid higher salaries than most other businesses in the area. How could she have forgotten to call them?
Love is...Blind Page 19