by Amy Brent
I had no idea what happened. My father remained in a cheerful mood throughout the day afterwards. If something had come out, Gage wouldn’t have walked out of the house unscathed.
“Amber?”
“Hmm?”
“Did you not hear a word I just said?”
“I’m sorry,” I said, and looked back at my father, who sighed in irritation. “I was thinking about something. What were you saying?”
“That’s what I was commenting about,” he remarked wryly. “That you seem a bit lost in your thoughts, again. What’s going on with you?”
I shook my head at him because there was no possible way that I could explain my feelings for Gage to him. I didn’t want to sell the relationship out before it could begin, either. I wanted to stay in our private little bubble longer, if not permanently, before everyone else pushed themselves into it.
“Nothing is going on with me,” I said. “Why do you keep asking me that question?”
“Because I’m starting to worry that you’re stalling on the divorce,” my father said coolly. “You haven’t been to any of your appointments with your lawyer. They’ve done everything completely blind for you.”
“I thought that’s what the plan was. For me to stay out of sight.”
My father gave me a long and critical look that instantly had me shifting nervously on the edge of my seat. He had the uncanny ability to see things in people, particularly when they weren’t being honest. My mother and I always joked that he should’ve worked for the CIA or the FBI, taking down criminals or analyzing them.
“Something is going on with you,” he said slowly. “I know there is something that you don’t want to tell me about, but I’m going to trust that whatever it is, you’ll tell me eventually.”
I didn’t respond. I felt the lure of information in his words. He wanted me to confirm that there was something going on, but I refused to acknowledge it. I didn’t even know how to process through my own emotions for Gage yet.
“The lawyers have sent over the terms of your divorce. We are just waiting for Scott’s lawyers to agree.”
“Then, why are you asking me if I’m stalling?” I asked irritably. “It’s him that is stalling. Not me.”
“It would’ve gone faster if you went to those appointment, Amber. That’s what I’m saying. I don’t know why you felt the need to skip them.”
“I don’t want to go to them because then I’ll have to face Scott in front of a judge,” I said, rising from my chair. “I’m going to finish getting ready for church. I’ll see you in the car.”
I left the kitchen with tears burning in my eyes. I could feel the weight of my father’s stare burning into my back. Bypassing the busy living room, I hurried up the stairs to the guest room.
Why can’t he just let this go? I want to just move on. Move far away from everything.
I entered the bathroom to grab my bag of makeup from the counter. The bubble with Gage felt even more inviting than ever. At least it was peaceful, but it was also exciting in there with him. The rest of the world felt cold and critical to whatever decisions I made.
Dabbing some foundation under my eyes, I stared at my reflection in the mirror as a wave of queasiness crashed over me again. My skin felt different this morning. Everything about my body felt different. I couldn’t explain the constant cramping, or the back aches followed by nausea.
The flu. That’s what it is. The flu.
I found Ethan already buckled in one of the SUV’s when I stepped outside. Cold air nipped at my bare legs as I hopped into the passenger seat next to him. My father hopped into the other seat. The drive back through Bozeman was slow and, at times, treacherous. The roads were slick with ice. By the time we reached the church, I was covered in a sheen of cold sweat. My stomach was churning, too.
All of that disappeared though when I spotted Gage’s truck in the church parking lot. My heart leapt at the prospect of having another excuse to see Gage, but his truck was empty when I walked past it.
“I didn’t think Gage would be here,” my father remarked, also looking at the truck with a frown. “He normally never attends church. I can’t remember the last time he even appeared in a church.”
“I’m not sure,” I replied, adjusting Ethan’s weight on my hip. “I’m going to drop Ethan off at daycare in the church basement.”
My father glanced at me with a frown. “Bring a security detail with you to keep an eye on Ethan.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “He doesn’t need one here. No one is going to do anything to him.”
He didn’t get the chance to argue. A few men from the church immediately flanked my father’s side to shake his hand. I walked through the church lobby to the stairs that led down to the basement where bible study and daycare were located. Ethan gladly wiggled out of my grasp at the sight of the other kids. I kissed him goodbye before signing him into daycare and peering in through the window into the bible study group. I spotted Lily’s chocolate brown hair, tangled again, pulled back in a ponytail as she flipped through her bible with visible boredom.
That meant Gage was somewhere in the church.
I spotted Gage in the fourth row in the pews with my father and a few members of security. Heart pounding, I tried to keep my nerves at bay as I approached them on wobbly legs. Gage’s eyes flicked away from the conversation to watch me approach, but that familiar warmth in his eyes was gone. He seemed guarded and reserved as he nodded curtly at me.
His aloof demeanor stung. Deeper than I wanted to admit.
I stood next to my father’s side while I waited for a break in the conversation to sweep Gage up into a discussion. Irritation swept through me when my father sat down between the two of us. Folding my hands neatly in my lap, I tried to focus on the hymns and sermons while my mind raced. A headache thrummed in my temples. The heater kicked on, blasting everyone in the pew, but I shifted uncomfortably against the heat. The sweater dress I’d picked to wear to church clung to every inch of me as I glanced over at Gage to find him sitting rigidly in the pew next to my father. His eyes were focused on the minister, but they were glazed over in thought.
It wasn’t until church service ended that Gage came up behind me to whisper in my ear.
“I need to talk to you,” he said, voice low. “Can you talk tonight?”
The both of us were facing forward, but with the loud chatter of conversation, it was impossible for anyone to overhear us. I kept myself facing forward as I watched a stream of people exit the church. If I turned around, then I would want to kiss him madly.
“I’ll call you tonight after everyone is asleep,” I muttered back. “Will that work?”
“It’ll have to.”
I blinked at the curt reply, unsure of how to decipher that. The rest of the day passed by in an anxious blur of distributing blankets to the churches and talking to the press. I hated this part of doing something nice for people, the way the media turned it into a big deal.
It was well past ten at night when the entire house went quiet. I dialed Gage’s cell phone number, inwardly praying that cell service was back up. It went straight to voicemail, and I reluctantly dialed the landline. I didn’t want to wake Lily up, but he answered it on the first ring.
“Hey,” I said, burrowing into my blankets to keep my voice muffled. The last thing I needed was security to overhear my conversation with Gage. “What did you need to talk about?”
“I just want to know one thing,” Gage said.
I chewed on my lip nervously at the abrupt tone of his voice. I had no idea what had prompted Gage’s sour mood, but it apparently had something to do with my life.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Are you still in love with your ex-husband?”
“What?” I whisper-shrieked, thoroughly astounded by the question. I would have laughed, but Gage sounded so serious. “No. Absolutely not, Gage. Why would you ask that?”
Gage sighed into the phone. “It’s something that y
our father mentioned to me about your divorce yesterday. He said that he noticed you’ve been pining over someone, and he believes it’s your ex-husband.”
“It’s not my ex-husband,” I stated, exasperated. “Is that why you’ve barely spoken a word to me since yesterday?”
“Maybe. I’m sorry.”
It was incredibly endearing and sexy to know that Gage’s distant behavior had been because of jealousy. He was jealous over the idea of another man taking up my attention. It turned me on.
“I’m sort of obsessed with an older man, actually,” I whispered into the phone, grinning when he sucked in a harsh breath. “The only problem right now is that I’m turned on, and he can’t do anything to help me.”
“Crap, Amber.”
I reached down to push past the elastic band of my pajama pants to feel the wetness between my legs. The brush of my fingers against the sensitive flesh there provoked a shudder.
“I miss you,” I breathed into the phone. “Especially right now, while I have my hand somewhere that wants you and only you.”
“What are you trying to do to me, Amber?” Gage croaked into the phone.
I smiled at the husky quality in his voice. “I’m just teasing you. We need to make another private escape, yes?”
“Absolutely. I’ll figure something out.”
“Good. Back to business. Are you stroking yourself right now?”
Chapter 19
Gage
“Are you stroking yourself?”
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d heard something so sexy and downright arousing. The relief I had felt when Amber explained that she wasn’t missing her ex-husband, just me and only me, had been so great that I nearly came right then and there.
Cradling the phone to my ear, I hopped down from the kitchen bar stool to head up the stairs. “I’m in the kitchen. Wait a second for this.”
“Hurry it up, Gage. I’m already ready for you. Hot and wet and aching.”
Holy shit.
I jogged up the stairs quickly, but quietly, so as not to disturb Lily. She rarely woke up in the middle of the night anymore, but for good measure, I locked my bedroom door and the adjacent door. I didn’t want to be caught in this position. I didn’t even want to think about having to explain to my daughter what sex was. That was a conversation I hoped Amber would be around for.
I pushed my pants and boxers down to my knees. My erection sprung up, the tip already moistened in anticipation. The real deal was far better, but I had to settle on Amber’s voice instead tonight. I grasped the base. A shudder went straight up my body in response.
“I’m ready,” I breathed into the phone. “You go first. I want to hear you go over the edge first.”
“Are you sure about that?” Amber asked, her voice just as breathless. “It might take a minute or two.”
“I have a minute or two, if you do.”
“More than that. Everyone is asleep right now.”
“Perfect,” I said. “Do it, baby. Touch yourself for me.”
I heard her shift around on the other end of the phone. The intake of her breath was enough to make my cock twitch in excitement. I slowed my strokes down to listen to every little breath and gasp she took. It wasn’t until she moaned into the phone, slightly muffled to keep quiet that I picked up the pace in return.
“I wish you were here,” I panted heavily into the phone. “You have no idea. I wish it was your hand right now, not mine.”
“Just imagine my hand on you,” she urged. “Do it, Gage. I want to hear.”
I lucked out. The thought filled my mind quickly as I let pleasure take over me. Amber was smart, beautiful, and she was willing to play along with anything that came to mind. Any man dreamed of having a woman who would do whatever they wanted, but Amber had her own ideas about sex, too. Ideas that I loved.
My peak came hard. I bit my lip to keep myself from crying out. Amber waited patiently on the other end of the phone while I caught my breath.
“Amazing,” I said, pulling my pants up just in case. “It doesn’t matter if you’re here or not. You’re amazing no matter what.”
She giggled into the phone. “Well, I’m glad you think that. I was hoping we were going to have some time alone at the church.”
“As in sneak away with everyone there?” I shook my head in disbelief. “No way, Amber. I’m already assured a ticket to hell, but I’d like to delay that trip by not letting your father find out that way.”
“It might not be a good way to find out,” Amber replied, shifting around on the phone again. “We have to figure out a time to tell him, though. If you want to be with me, I mean.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. This was where things were going to get complicated. I wanted Amber. I wanted that relationship we both wanted to have with one another. But I wanted to prolong the inevitably ugly confession until we were sure that we wanted this.
“You know that I want you,” I said. “More than anything, but we need to feel like this is one hundred percent what we both want. It’s going to wreak havoc on everyone around us.”
“I know. I keep thinking about how confused Ethan already is about losing his father.” She sighed into the phone. “He doesn’t know what to think of you, either. He’s so timid about letting another man around him, besides for my father.”
“Ethan’s been through a lot with your ex-husband. I don’t blame him for wanting to keep his distance. Lily went through her phase of not wanting anyone else besides me for a while, too.”
“Don’t you wish you had their resilience though?” Amber asked wistfully. “I’d kill to have half of what Ethan has to get through the day. He just looks at life so innocently and simply.”
“I don’t know why that goes away with age,” I said quietly. “I wish that it didn’t, but we start to see the world as a cold place at times. Let’s just keep this between us for now. I know how much Lily really likes you, but—”
“I know. You don’t have to explain.”
“Thank you,” I said. “I’ll call you tomorrow?”
“Text me first. I don’t want anyone to see that you’re calling my cellphone. It’ll cause some eyebrows to be lifted here.”
“Right. Have a good night.”
“Sweet dreams,” Amber murmured, softly. “I love you, Gage.”
Those soft little words tugged hard at my heart strings. She hung up before I could reply. She knew that I returned the sentiment but spared me the agony of replying. Guilt was building in me again. Our relationship was based off a lie right from the start. Not to each other, but to the ones that we loved that surrounded us. None of this was going to be easy. We had to be careful as we continued forward, but I didn’t want it any differently, either. I liked the privacy between us. This relationship was ours, and ours alone. No one else was involved in it.
Yet. That small word felt big and full of menace when I crawled into bed after hanging the phone up downstairs. No one was involved yet.
The first glimmers of spring became a welcoming sign months later. I stared across the backyard with a small smile of relief. After a long and grueling winter with constant snowfalls, it was nice to see the ground. Even it was muddy and filled with dormant, yellow grass. It was the first the sign of a much-needed change in the weather.
I cupped a hand over my eyes to watch as Lily darted through the muddy puddles in the direction of the garage. The dress that Amber had bought her fit perfectly. It fell to her knobby and bruised knees. Sunlight danced in the glitter and grey fabric. It was perfect for what we were about to do.
A cloud crossed through the sky, then. I followed Lily across the muddy ground to the truck with our bouquet of flowers in hand. She turned to look at me from the passenger seat with a hopeful smile.
“Do you think we will be able to see it?” Lily asked.
“I’m not sure,” I replied, turning the truck on. “The snow is still melting, but I think it’s a possibility.”
Lily sett
led in the passenger seat with a sigh. “I hope we can see it. Do you think we could go see Amber and Ethan afterward?”
“I’d say that’s a possibility also,” I said. “I’ll call in the parking lot when we get there.”
The roads were wet but clear of snow as I navigated through the winding mountains with ease. A comfortable silence fell between Lily and me as we approached our destination. I had prayed all week that the weather would cooperate, and now with the warm sunshine, my prayers had been answered.
The cemetery hill still had patches of snow, but the gravestones were visible at least. A trickle of snow water came down the steep slope of the hill as I drove through the gates to park in the nearby parking lot. Lily unbuckled herself quickly to open the passenger door.
“It’s warm out,” she declared, hopping out of the truck. “I want to talk to Mom first, alone.”
“I’ll give you a minute,” I said as she closed the door. I watched while cutting the engine off as Lily took one of the concrete paths up to Marcie’s tombstone. Tears filled my eyes when I watched her little hands gently sweep away the dirt and debris from being buried under the snow.
Time never made stepping into this place easier. Lily and I had made it a point to come for the past three years on the anniversary to say our peace. I never knew what Lily told her mother in hushed whispers, but I imagined it was girl things that I wouldn’t understand. Things that Dad never did right, but I tried to do right.
Taking the time alone, I pulled out my cellphone to call Amber. She picked up immediately after the first two rings.
“Hey,” she said.
I sank back in the driver’s seat in relief to hear her voice. “I didn’t know if you were going to be able to pick up.”