“Really?” Her face broke into the sweetest smile ever.
“Yes. Really.” She let out a breath, as if she was relieved.
“Fuck, I was scared there for a minute, thinking I was the only one. Because holy fuck, Stella.” I wanted to roll my eyes at the excessive cursing, but I couldn’t.
“I know. I know.” That was all I could say.
“So we should probably do it again. Like right now, yes?”
“Yes.”
Who knew that Stella Lewis was an amazing kisser? I mean, seriously. Like a stop your heart, make you feel like you’re going to die, never want it to end kind of kiss. The kiss to end all kisses.
Kiss wasn’t even the right word. That was so much more than just a kiss. We should invent a new word for that. Maybe after we stopped kissing each other we could. I mean, if we stopped. I didn’t want to and the way she was moaning and making these cute little noises, I could get the idea that she didn’t either.
My ass was completely numb on the rock, but I couldn’t have cared less. All I wanted was to keep my lips attached to hers as long as possible.
I tried to take my glasses off because they were getting in the way, but she told me to leave them on.
Unfortunately, we had to stop, but only because her phone buzzed with a text.
She jumped away from me and fumbled for her phone. I sat there and waited as she frowned and typed out a response to the message. As I freaked the fuck out. I’d just made out with a girl. I’D JUST MADE OUT WITH A GIRL.
“Just Midori. Asking where I was.”
“Oh, right,” I said, still dazed by the kissing. I could feel the echo of her hands on the back of my neck.
“So . . .” I said, dragging the word out. “That happened.”
“Yeah, it did,” she said, as she took a strand of her hair and wound it around her fingers.
“And it was good. Really good.”
“Yes.”
“And now we have to figure out what the fuck to do from here.”
She nodded slowly and stared out at the waves. Deep blue, topped with whitecaps here and there.
“I don’t know what this means. I don’t know if this means that I like you, which is crazy to begin with because you’re kind of awful, or if I like . . . girls, or if I like boys and girls, and I’m really, really confused.” The words tumbled out of my mouth, tripping over one another.
Stella listened and twirled her hair.
“You think I’m an awful person?” she asked.
“I didn’t mean it that way, but kind of?” How was it that I could want her so much, but also know that she wasn’t the nicest of people? How could I be so attracted to her and completely ignore that?
“No, you’re right. I am an awful person. I like it that way.” She turned back toward me, her mouth a thin line.
“Why?” I just didn’t get it.
Her eyes narrowed.
“Because. You wouldn’t understand.” It was like she’d slammed a wall between us and I felt the chill of the ocean air at last. I wrapped my arms around myself.
“You’re going to shut me out. Just like that?” She raised her chin.
“Just like that.”
Unbelievable.
“Okay, fine, fuck you, too.” I slid away from her on the rock and contemplated stomping back to the car like a petulant child.
“Look, don’t act like just because you had your tongue down my throat that you know me now. You don’t.”
“Yeah, well, I know that you don’t have to be a bitch all the fucking time. Not to me.” My stupid voice cracked on the last word.
“You’re pretty presumptuous, you know that? What do you think’s going to happen? That we’re going to kiss some more and then hold hands in the hallway and go to prom and get crowned queen and queen? This is the real world and stuff like that doesn’t just happen.” Her words were sharp and sliced across my skin.
“Well obviously I know that’s not going to happen, Stella, I’m not a fucking idiot. But there’s something here and I think we need to at least . . . I don’t know, give it a chance.” I tossed my hands in the air. I didn’t even know what I was saying.
She pushed herself off from the rock and started picking her way back to the car. Joke was on her, since I had the keys.
“You can’t just walk away from this,” I called after her.
“Watch me,” she yelled back.
Oh, I was. She was in excellent shape from cheerleading. Amazing legs.
I had no control over the fact that I was definitely into her. In that I wanted her naked with my hands all over her.
Two hours ago, that thought would have freaked me the fuck out, but now it was just . . . there. It was there and it didn’t feel wrong. I didn’t get this twisting in the pit of my stomach telling me to stop thinking things like that. No.
It felt right. Easy. So. Damn. Easy. How had I not figured this out by now? I didn’t need Google. I only needed the way she kissed and the way she felt and the way I wanted her.
Fuck, did I want her.
I gave her a head start and then followed her over the precarious rocks and back to the car. But I found her staring up at the lighthouse. It had been built in eighteen-hundred-something and was still in use.
“Whatcha looking at?” I asked and she startled a little at the sound of my voice. There was only one other car in the parking lot now, way down the end of the lot.
“Nothing,” she muttered. She’d tucked her hands inside the sleeves of my sweatshirt and her anger seemed to have cooled off again.
“Do you want to go back on the rocks and make out?” I asked, only half-joking.
“No.”
“Okayyyyy. Wanna make out in my car?” She fixed me with a withering look.
“No. I don’t want to make out with you.” I snorted out a laugh.
“Yeah, okay. Sure.”
Stella turned her back on me and then . . . her shoulders started shaking. Either she was laughing or crying. Pretty sure it was the latter.
“Hey,” I said, putting my hand on her shoulder. She tried to throw me off, but didn’t resist when I turned her back around.
Yup. Crying.
“Hey, what’s the matter?” I mean, I could probably guess, but I wanted to hear it from her.
She just shook her head and then just kind of fell into my arms. At first I didn’t know what to do but after a second of being stunned, I wrapped my arms around her and she buried her head on my shoulder as she kept crying.
“It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay,” I said, because what else was I supposed to say? I wasn’t really good at this kind of thing. Grace was much better. She always had the right words at the right time.
My hands ran up and down her back in what I hoped was a soothing way. No idea if I was helping or not, but she was just sniffling now.
Stella raised her head and wiped her eyes. She looked ridiculously good for someone who had been crying. Using the sleeve of my sweatshirt, she swiped her nose and eyes. I didn’t mind at all.
I kept my hands on her shoulders.
“Stella. Talk to me. Please talk to me. I know you think that I don’t know you, but I know a few things.” She huffed and rolled her eyes, as if this was one giant inconvenience when she’d been the one crying two seconds ago.
“It’s nothing. I just . . . I had a plan, you know? I was going to get through high school and then when I got to college, I’d go full gay and meet a girl and I’d finally be able to be myself. But then you had to come and . . .” she trailed off and put one of her hands on my chest, just below my throat.
“Everything was working fine until I signed up for AP English and sat next to you and started to feel things that I didn’t want to feel. I was going to ignore it but then we got paired up and I couldn’t anymore.” She sniffed again.
“Yeah, I know the feeling. Except I was totally going to date guys when I got to college. So this is a little weird for me.” That was an understatem
ent.
“You didn’t know? That you liked girls?” I shook my head. It was hard to think with her hand there, her fingers just barely sneaking under the collar of my shirt to caress my skin.
“Oh. I figured you did. That was probably why you freaked out so much when I kissed you, huh?” She laughed once.
“Yeah, maybe that was it,” I said, my tone dripping with sarcasm. But then I looked at her face and realized I was being harsh. “Fuck, Stella. I had no idea.”
“Yeah, well. No one does. Until you.” Until me. Stella Lewis liked girls. And had for a while. Thoughts and questions were popping in my brain and I was getting close to overload.
“I think I need to like, sit down for a minute,” I said, and this time she took my hand and led me to the car.
“So have you ever been attracted to guys?” I asked after I’d sat with everything for a few minutes.
“I don’t think so. I mean, I’ve dated and kissed them, but it’s not what I would choose. So no, I’m not bisexual. If that was what you were asking,” she said. Clearly, she was a lot more comfortable with . . . everything than I was.
“Oh, wow, there are so many things going through my head right now,” I said, resting my head on the steering wheel.
“So I’m guessing this is all new for you?” she asked softly.
I nodded against the wheel and then raised my head.
“I mean, yeah. I just . . . I have no idea when it started, but it turned into a thing and now I don’t even know what to do or what to think. I tried Googling it, but couldn’t follow through.” There was a cute little snort next to me.
“You Googled it?” She gave me a look as if she thought that was precious.
“Yeah. What did you do?” Why was that outrageous? Google had never failed me before.
She pulled her hair out of the elastic and it tumbled over her shoulders. The fact that I was just this year learning I was attracted to her seemed ridiculous. How could I not be attracted to her?
“I don’t know. I was like, thirteen? I think I just assumed everyone looked at girls that way. Because girls are beautiful and pretty and why wouldn’t you want them? Took me a little while to realize that wasn’t the case and I had to hide it. But I never denied it to myself. I know who I am, Kyle.”
“Wow,” I said. “I had no idea.” She gave me a wry smile.
“It’s not something I want anyone to know. At least not now. I was going to head to college and be a completely different person in a different place.” She looked out the window at the ocean.
“I know what you mean,” I murmured. I’d thought the same thing. “I mean, I was going to wait until college to date guys. But now I’m not sure if I want to. Date guys.” My head started spinning again and my stomach growled. This had been one of the longest days ever and I was starving.
“Do you want to get something to eat?” I blurted out.
“Sure,” she said.
Because we lived in a small ass town and there would have been questions if we went somewhere alone, and discussed the things we were going to discuss, we went back to my house. My parents were at work, so I didn’t have to worry.
It was a fine plan until I remembered that it wasn’t that clean and it was smaller than and not as nice as hers.
“Um, yeah. So . . . this is it,” I said, waving my arm around and cringing inwardly. I waited as Stella’s eyes swept the room and then she headed toward the kitchen. As if she’d lived here for years. I followed in her wake as she popped open the fridge and stuck her head in.
“What are you in the mood for?” I gaped at her back as she bent down and pawed through the crisper drawers.
“Um, my own food because this is my house?” I said and she straightened.
“Well, I’m in the mood for something smothered in cheese.” She slammed the fridge shut and opened the freezer.
“Aha!” she said, pulling something out. “This will do.”
It was a box of frozen spinach and artichoke dip.
“Do you have some chips or something . . .” she trailed off as she searched the counters and then grabbed a bag of tortilla chips.
I watched as she read the instructions on the box, set the oven to preheat, found a bowl to put the chips in and then handed me a soda.
“Um, thanks.”
“Sure,” she said with a little smile. I’d never seen her so . . . relaxed? No, that wasn’t the right word. Un-frozen? Warm. I’d never seen her this warm.
Even the way she moved was different. More like when she was cheering.
She hopped up on the counter and munched on a chip as the dip cooked in the oven.
“Make yourself at home,” I said and she pushed the bowl of chips toward me. I nudged over the little step I used in the kitchen to help me climb up onto the counter.
“So, am I the first girl you’ve ever had a crush on?” she asked and a chip crumb went down my windpipe and caused me to cough.
“Uh, I guess so? I’m not really sure.”
“You’re not. My first, I mean.” She sighed, as if at a good memory. “Shannon O’Shea. I was eleven and she was fourteen. God, she was so beautiful. I used to imagine just running up and kissing her on the cheek, and spent hours fantasizing about holding her hand. Then she got a boyfriend and went to high school. You never forget your first, though.”
I gaped at her.
“Are you drunk right now?” There was no way, but holy shit, she was telling me all kinds of things without me even prodding her.
“Haha, no. I’m just . . . I haven’t had anyone to talk to about this so it’s all kind of coming out at once. Sorry.” She shrugged one shoulder and grabbed another chip, smiling as she bit into it.
“Yeah, me neither. But I didn’t think I was ready? I don’t know. I’m still . . .” I trailed off.
“Hey,” she said, brushing a hand down my shoulder. It made me shiver inside. Just being near her was driving me crazy. I wanted to dramatically swipe the bowl of chips off the counter and tackle her and do a lot of other things that involved tongues and fingers and secret places.
The timer dinged and I nearly fell off the counter, but I needed to put some space between me and Stella.
I nearly reached for the little tub of hot dip without an oven mitt, but at the last second I remembered.
“It’s probably still too hot, so,” I said, fumbling as I set the dip on top of another oven mitt. “Um, do you want to maybe sit in the living room?”
I really had no idea how to handle this situation. I was flying without a safety net and I was freaking out. Stella seemed so comfortable and I wished I could be like her.
“Sure,” she said, pushing herself off the counter and grabbing the bowl of chips. “Lead the way.”
It was adorable how nervous she was. It was almost like a movie, how our hands collided as we both reached for a chip at the same time. Kyle blushed and yanked her hand back. So far, we’d been sitting in her living room eating steadily through the chips and dip and not talking.
I was fine with silence, but she was fidgeting and it was super distracting. Seeing Kyle flustered was fun.
“Do your parents know?” I asked and she froze. Her face went white. Okay, guess that hadn’t been the right question to ask. I wasn’t one to talk. I hadn’t told Dad or Gabe and had no intention of it for a long time.
“Uh, no. I didn’t even know. I still don’t really know. I think I need to figure things out before I tell them anything.” We were down to just chip crumbs in the bowl and I kept picking the smaller ones, leaving the bigger ones for her.
“That’s probably smart. You might wake up tomorrow and totally be straight.” I grinned at her and she gaped at me in surprise before smacking me on the shoulder.
“Brat.”
I shrugged.
“I’m just saying. I know this one time I hit my head a little too hard at practice and that night I dreamed about dicks. So many dicks. I was just surrounded by them. Mmmmm . . .” That reall
y shocked her. But that was my goal.
She burst out laughing and it was totally worth it. Her face lit up and it was a whole other level of cute for her.
I was in serious trouble.
We lounged on the couch and flipped through the channels.
“There are never enough shows with lesbians,” I said.
“Aren’t there any? I never really noticed.” Oh, sweet gayby. I kept forgetting that she was so new to this. But maybe I could educate her. That would be fun. Potentially in a lot of ways.
“You’re different,” she said after a few minutes of silence. She wasn’t looking at me and had taken off her glasses to polish them on the hem of her t-shirt.
“What do you mean?” I asked, but I knew exactly what she meant. I wasn’t being a heinous bitch was what she meant.
“Well, you’re not . . . um . . .” She pushed her glasses up on her nose and waved her hands as if she was looking for the right word.
“A bitch?” I finished. Her face went a little red.
“I wouldn’t necessarily put it that way.” I rolled my eyes.
“Yeah, you would. You and everyone else. I know what people say about me, Kyle. It doesn’t bother me.” Not even a little. It was so much better than the alternative.
“It doesn’t?” I shook my head. I expected that to be the end of the questioning, but it wasn’t.
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t care what they think.” This was a lie, but she didn’t need to know. I wasn’t sure what this thing was between us, but it definitely wasn’t going anywhere. We weren’t going to hold hands and ride off into the gay sunset.
“Really?” She raised one eyebrow, calling my bluff. I gave her the same look.
“Really.”
She went to say something else, but then all the blood drained from her face.
“What time is it?”
“Um, four thirty,” I said, checking my phone that I’d set on the coffee table.
“Crap, my mom is going to be home any minute. I hate to do this to you, but you’ve got to go. My parents are insane and if you want to not be interrogated about every single detail of your life, I would leave now.” I knew her parents were a little obsessive and I definitely didn’t want to have a conversation with a mom about who I was and what I was doing here.
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