“Yeah, sure. You want to maybe grab some pizza? Just the two of us?” We hadn’t done that in so long.
“Absolutely.” I gave her a smile and she patted my shoulder before grabbing her cheer shoes and slipping them on.
Guess I was telling two people this weekend.
It was like being on a train that wasn’t slowing down.
Kyle. I had to remember I was doing this for Kyle. And for me. Hiding this part of myself hadn’t been fun. Each time someone talked to me about having a boyfriend or a husband or anything like that, I felt like a liar. It made me feel awful and honestly, even before Kyle I’d been sick of it. But I told myself I could hold on until college.
Not anymore. I’d had enough, and it wasn’t just about her. I was tired of not being able to be myself. To be scared of myself. I didn’t want to do it anymore.
I had a weirdly good day at practice, nailing my tick-tock heel stretch three times in a row. I was feeling good when I walked out to my car and there she was again.
“I figured we could make this a thing,” she said, handing me a juice (mango, this time) and a glazed donut.
“It should definitely be a thing, thank you,” I said, giving her a quick kiss and looking around. There were a few cars still in the lot from other cheerleaders and teachers working late.
“I decided I’m going to tell Midori,” I said as we sat in my car and I split the donut in half, offering it to her.
“Oh, yeah? How are you feeling about that?” She took a bite and I licked the glaze off my fingers.
“Good? I guess? I wanted to tell her today because she sort of cornered me, but I want to tell Gabe first. And that probably means I should tell my dad soon. I don’t want to make Gabe keep that secret from him.” She nodded and we munched on our donut halves.
“Grace is still watching me. I think she knows that I have a thing with someone, or at least a crush and she’s taken it upon herself to find out who. Oh, and she’s also started pointing out cute girls. She’s really taking this ally thing seriously.” I laughed. I couldn’t picture Midori taking things that far.
“I think you’d like Grace. And she would like you. Once she found you weren’t actually a raging bitch.” She grinned at me and I wiped some glaze from the corner of her mouth and licked my finger off.
“But I’ve been so careful to make her believe that. Wouldn’t want to ruin things now.” Her eyebrows drew together.
“I still don’t get it. Why you’re so different with me and like that with everyone else. I’m guessing you’re not like that with Midori.” No. Not completely. She got to see bits and pieces of my real self, but Kyle was the only one, outside of family, who saw me. Just me. Unvarnished and real.
“You wouldn’t get it,” I muttered and shoved the last bite of donut into my mouth.
“Oh, that’s nice, Stella. You’re literally the only person I can talk to about liking girls, but I ‘wouldn’t get’ what you’re going though. Yeah, okay.” Her words hurt, but not enough to make me tell her the reason why.
“Look, it’s my thing. Can you just drop it?” I knew exactly what was going to happen when I said those words, but it didn’t stop me from saying them.
I expected Kyle to tell me to go fuck myself and slam the door, but she didn’t. She just sat there and waited.
“I know what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to be a bitch to make me leave, but too bad, because I don’t believe you. So I’m just going to sit here.” She crossed her arms, as if she really meant business.
Damn. I’d underestimated her. And her bullshit tolerance when it came to what I could give her.
“Fine, do what you want to do.” The words didn’t come out as forceful as I wanted. I gripped the steering wheel to have something to hold onto and smeared leftover donut glaze on it. Great.
“Stel,” Kyle said, touching my shoulder, but I jerked away from her.
“You don’t even know me. Just because you’ve had your tongue in my mouth and we’ve talked a few times, doesn’t mean you know me.” I couldn’t stop the words from coming. I was just so used to curling in on myself and going on the defensive before someone could hurt me.
I had to hurt them first.
“Good effort. I’d give it an eight out of ten,” she said, giving me a smirk.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” She shrugged one shoulder.
“I like you. And I’m not all that sensitive, I guess.” I opened my mouth to say something else, but short of screaming at her, or throwing her out of my car, she didn’t seem to be budging.
“You are weird.” She grinned.
“Never claimed to be otherwise.”
I fought a smile and lost.
“Ha,” she said, a little sound of triumph. “I win.”
“Brat,” I said, smacking her in the shoulder.
Somehow she’d defused the situation and got me to smile. No one else had done that before and I didn’t know what to do with it.
“But I’m your brat. You know you like it.” I did. Too much.
“Anyway, I’m going home. But I’ll text you later.” She smacked a kiss on my cheek and was out the door, heading to her car.
I shook my head and started my car.
I was definitely going to have bruises when this phone call was over. It was Saturday and I was next to Stella in her bedroom, holding her hand as she prepared to call her brother.
“He’s probably busy,” she said, staring at her phone. “He probably won’t even pick up.”
We’d been going through this same thing for a while now, but I wasn’t going to force her before she was ready. Grace had sort of put a gun to my head and I didn’t want that for her.
“We don’t have to do it today,” I said. She shook her head.
“No, it has to be now. Because I’m going out with Midori later and I promised myself I’d tell Gabe first.” With a nod of her head she hit send for his number and raised her phone to her ear.
I was sitting so close that I could hear it ringing.
He picked up on the third ring.
“Hey, Gabe,” she said, her voice a little shaky. I couldn’t hear what he said in return.
“No, I’m fine. I just . . . There’s something I need to tell you. Do you have a minute to talk?” She waited and then took a deep breath. We’d practiced what she was going to say all week.
“Dad’s fine. No, I didn’t get kicked out of school. Can you just shut up for a second?” She took another breath and somehow squeezed my hand harder. I wouldn’t be surprised if she snapped one of my fingers. Damn cheerleading muscles.
“Gabe, I’m gay.” Her entire body shook with the words and her hand trembled in mine.
You got this, I mouthed at her, but she was too busy with Gabe.
“No, I’m sure. Yes, I’m serious. No, I haven’t told Dad. You’re the first.” Second. Technically.
She opened her mouth to say something else, but Gabe must have been talking.
“Shut the fuck up, you did not know,” she said, letting go of my hand.
“No you didn’t . . . No . . . No, Gabe . . . Stop it . . .” Okay, was it going bad or . . . ?
I was dying to know what he was saying. I wished she’d put him on speaker.
“I’m not going to say that because you did not know before me. You’re just saying that because you want to be right.” She rolled her eyes, so that was a good sign.
“Look, I’m not fighting with you about who knew I was gay first. The bottom line is that I am and I like girls and Dad doesn’t know yet, so don’t say anything. I’m going to tell him. Probably tomorrow.” Wow. Her brother, Midori, and dad all in one weekend. She was better than me.
“Oh my God, Gabe. Yes, I did kiss Shannon. No, I do not have a girlfriend.” She gave me an exaggerated wink and I had to muffle a laugh.
“Okay, I’ll tell you when I get a girlfriend so you can do your brotherly thing and interrogate her to figure out what her intentions are. Okay. I�
�ll talk to you later, jerk. Okay, bye.” She set the phone down on her bed and I pulled her into a hug.
“I’m still shaking,” she said and I could feel it.
“I’m guessing it went well? From what I could hear.” She snorted into my shirt.
“Yeah, you could say that. He basically said that he’s known for years and doesn’t give a shit and just wants me to be happy.” She sat back and pulled her knees up.
“I mean, I knew that was what he was going to say. I know my brother. But I still was scared out of my mind. My heart is pounding.” She put her hand on her chest and let out a little breathless laugh.
“I think I need a drink now.”
Since we couldn’t have an alcoholic beverage, we had seltzer water with maraschino cherries in it.
“Too bad I don’t have any cherry stuff or we could have made Shirley Temples,” she said as we sat in the living room.
“How do you feel now?” She set her drink down on a coaster and shrugged.
“The same? I guess I thought I would feel different or something. But I’m still me. Still gay.” I laughed.
“Lucky for me.”
She gave me a half-smile that made my heart do flips.
“I’m really proud of you. For doing that.”
“Thanks,” she said, looking down at her hands. Stella painted her nails every week without fail. They were painted a cute mint green.
“Hey, would you do my nails?” I asked. She looked up.
“Yeah, sure. I can do your toes too.”
“Cool.” She skipped off and came back with one of those clear plastic containers and it was filled to the brim with polish. There had to be at least fifty or more bottles.
“Polish much?” I asked when she set it down on the coffee table with a clunk.
“It’s fun. Something to do.” She shrugged and set out the supplies and I scooted closer, flattening my hand on her thigh.
“That’s not going to be distracting at all,” she said, lining up the bottles of polish for me to choose one.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I said, pointing to the same color polish she was wearing.
“This one?”
“Yeah, I want us to match.” She beamed. How cute.
“Okay,” she said, unscrewing the top of the polish and starting on my pointer finger.
“Can I run a hypothetical situation past you?” I asked as her head was bent over my hand to make sure everything was perfect.
“Sure.”
I took a breath.
“What if I told my parents and you tell your dad and your brother already knows and our best friends will know so . . . what would you think about us maybe telling more people? Or, if not that, just . . . hanging out? In public?” More and more, I was learning that I was willing to risk/give up a hell of a lot of things to get more time with Stella. I’d do just about anything for more time with Stella.
She looked up as she finished my first nail.
“Hypothetically?” she asked, raising one perfect blonde eyebrow.
“Hypothetically.”
She put the brush back into the jar of polish.
“I think . . . I think that I’d be okay with that.” I exhaled shakily.
“Really?” She took my polish-free hand.
“Really.” Stella lifted my hand to her lips and kissed the back of my hand like she was from an old movie or something.
“So you’d be willing to hold my hand in public and go on dates outside of either of our houses? Hypothetically.” I felt like I had to keep adding that.
“I’d be willing to pretty much go anywhere with you, Kyle. In case you didn’t know that,” she said, twisting her fingers with mine.
I loved the idea of being out with her, our hands entwined, walking together.
“It wouldn’t bother you to be out with me?” She shook her head.
“No, why?”
“Because I am easily defeated by stairs. And if we were chased by a murderer, I’d probably end up dead.” She stared at me for a second and then it hit her. My limp.
“Oh! Oh, no. I guess I don’t see it as something that’s bad or wrong, or whatever. It’s just you. And I like you. All of you.” That was something I’d definitely considered when it came to dating, but I’d figured I would just find a guy in college, since colleges were generally liberal places. But it had still been in the back of my mind.
“I won’t always be able to keep up with you.” I started to say something else, but she shook her head.
“I like you. Whatever form you come in. The packaging isn’t important. And I happen to think your packaging is perfect.” I bit my lip and looked down at my nails again.
“Thanks.”
“You wouldn’t feel weird about being out with me?” she asked, going back to painting my nails.
“No. When I really think about it, no. It feels right. Sometimes I look at you and I wonder how I ever could have thought I was straight.” She giggled.
“Yeah, I feel the same way sometimes. But I haven’t been ‘straight’ for a long time.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Okay, okay, you win. You knew before me.” She looked up.
“It’s not a competition. You got there in the end. And there are some people who go almost their entire lives without figuring it out.”
“I guess you have a point.”
“I do.” Stella concentrated on my nails and I watched her work. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. Just the two of us being together. She finished my first hand and I blew on my nails as she worked on my second hand.
“We’ll have to do another coat,” she said after she’d finished the first. I waved my hands in the air to dry them.
“Want me to do your toes while you wait for those to dry?” she asked. I slipped my socks off.
“As long as you don’t think my feet are ugly,” I said before I put them in her lap.
“Aw, your feet are cute. Cuter than mine. My second toes are longer than my first and I hate it.” I bet it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I’d ask if I could do her toes. Not that I was great at nail polish. I just didn’t use it that much because it chipped after two seconds.
I was glad she couldn’t see my leg, because I wasn’t ready for her to see all the surgery scars. Most of the time I didn’t think about them, but I definitely didn’t want to when I was with Stella.
“So, you’re going to tell your parents?” she asked as she finished my second toe.
“I think so? I mean, it went well with Grace and you told your brother and I think it’ll be okay. I hope it’ll be okay. I just hate feeling like I’m hiding something from them. As much as they drive me crazy, everything they do is because they want the best for me. And they’ve sacrificed their entire lives to see that I didn’t grow up like they did.” Both of my parents had had rough childhoods. They hadn’t given me a lot of details, but I knew enough. And I could read between the lines.
“That’s sweet.”
“Yeah. Bottom line is that I know they love me. And if they love me, they have to love all of me, right?” She nodded.
“Exactly.”
I was second-guessing my choice of venue for my talk with Midori that night. It meant that anyone walking by or eavesdropping would hear what we were talking about. Fortunately, there was a booth tucked into a corner near the kitchen that the waitress seated us at and if I spoke low enough, no one would hear.
“I wonder if she thinks we’re on a date,” Midori said after she’d taken our drink orders.
“What?” I said, nearly choking on my water. I felt all the blood drain from my face.
“I just said what if she thought we were on a date. It was a joke. I wasn’t serious.” That didn’t stop me from shaking. But this was Midori. My best friend. The girl who had had my back. Literally, in some instances at cheer practice.
“Oh, yeah, right,” I said, pretending to laugh, but probably sounding deranged.
We talked abou
t what to order and homework and the new stunt our coach wanted us to try.
I was trying to figure out how best to tell her when I just blurted it out.
“I’m gay,” I said as she picked up the first slice of pizza. The waitress had just left us, so we were alone.
Midori froze.
“I’m sorry, what?”
“I’m gay. That’s what I didn’t want to tell you.” She set the slice of pizza down on her plate and opened and closed her mouth a few times.
“Okay.” She picked up her napkin and set it on her lap and started to eat.
“That’s it?” I asked. She wrapped a string of melting cheese around one finger and then put it in her mouth.
“Is there more?”
“I guess I just expected you to have more of a reaction.” She smiled and took another bite of pizza.
“I mean, I think I sort of knew, but it doesn’t change who you are. I don’t see you any differently. And you’re my best friend. So that’s it.” Oh. Okay?
I opened and closed my mouth a few more times and Midori laughed.
“Stella, it’s not a big deal to me. I know that there are some assholes out there, but I’m not one of them. If girls are what you want and they make you happy, then that’s what I care about.” Well.
“Wow,” I said and she shrugged one shoulder.
“Do you want to talk about it? Or not talk about it?” she asked. I finally picked up a slice and bit into it.
“If we didn’t have to talk about it that would be great. I feel like it’s all I’ve thought and talked about for weeks and I’m a little bored to be honest.” We both laughed.
“Okay then. So, what do you think about fundraising online for the new uniforms? Because car washes are so overdone and I really don’t want to wash a car in a bikini so some gross old guy can ogle me.” I made a face.
“Totally agree.” So we talked about fundraising for cheer and how we couldn’t wait for this year to be over and the ridiculousness of college application essays.
It was amazing.
Before she left, I gave her a huge hug.
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