“Sounds like it. So are you guys going public?” I did a quick sweep of the room, but everyone else was immersed in what they were doing.
“Soon,” I said and then we both pretended to be working very diligently as our teacher walked by.
“I’ve got your back. And hers, by extension. And I think I should get to hang out with both of you. I’ve never seen you in a relationship like this before.” That was because there hadn’t been one. There was nothing like this. I didn’t know if it was because we were both girls. I’d never find out. But I did know that what I felt for Stella was something big.
Something beautiful and new and amazing.
“You get all smiley when you’re thinking about her.”
“Stop it,” I said, smacking her arm.
“I feel like we haven’t seen you in forever,” Paige said at lunch. I had no idea what she was talking about. I’d eaten with them yesterday.
“Okay?” I said, unsure of whether or not I was supposed to apologize.
“You’ve just seemed kinda distant,” Molly chimed in. I looked around and every single one of them was wearing an uncomfortable look.
“Is this some sort of intervention?” I said, looking around and landing on Grace. She had her arms crossed and looked like she didn’t approve of whatever they were doing.
“No, that’s stupid. We just miss you, that’s all.” Molly’s face went red and I had half a mind to get up from the damn table and leave all of them.
“I’m literally sitting right here. Talking to you. I’m not off slitting my wrists, or hanging out and smoking pot under the overpass. So I really have no idea what the fuck is going on.” I didn’t mean to get so pissed, but I felt like I was being attacked or something.
“Just leave her alone, guys. All of you,” Grace said, sending a glare around that made some of them cower. The guys had been avoiding eye contact with me the whole time.
“So, did anyone hear what Chad Hoskins got arrested with?” Grace said and that got everyone talking again. Thanks, Chad.
But I still had an uneasy feeling in my stomach when I tossed my tray.
“I told them not to,” Grace said in my ear. “I really did. I told them to leave you alone and that you were fine, but then Molly started going on and on about her cousin who’s on crack or something and it got blown out of proportion. If you decide to, ah, tell people, next week, I think they’ll lay off. Not that that’s a reason to do it. But it would give them an explanation. You know?”
I understood what she was saying, but I still felt like they were backing me into a corner.
Fuck it. If they were going to be assholes about me being happy, then they weren’t my real friends anyway. And since when did happy = being on drugs?
Fucked up. I sent Stella a text about it.
OMG, your friends are weird. But maybe they’ll leave you alone next week?
Hopefully. We didn’t have anyone else gay in our group that I knew of. No one really said anything outright that was homophobic, but you never knew. It was like rolling dice, but instead of winning money, you got the freedom to live and not be harassed.
“So I talked to one of the other gays today,” Stella said that afternoon as we hung out at her house. Her dad was teaching late tonight, so we had several hours of uninterrupted time. I wanted to spend most of it making out and doing other things, but she seemed to want to talk.
“Which one?” I asked.
“Tris. It just kind of happened. She was in the bathroom and we were using the sinks at the same time. I said hello and she gave me a look like I was going to punch her in the face. So then I tried a smile and she sort of gave me one back and then scurried away.” I couldn’t stop laughing. My girl was intimidating.
“You probably scared the shit out of her. I bet she thinks you’re going to target her or something. It’s going to be funny to see what she says when she knows the truth.” She laughed with me and then moved so her head was in my lap. I ran my fingers through her hair and she closed her eyes.
“That feels really good. I can’t remember the last time someone else played with my hair.” She curled up almost like a cat. I wouldn’t have been surprised if she started purring.
“Don’t fall asleep, baby.” We had some stupid reality show on that neither of us was paying attention to. I was too busy focusing all my attention on her.
“I won’t. What if they hate us?”
“Who?” She turned her head and looked up at me.
“The other gays.” Was she serious?
“Why would they? And don’t they kind of have to accept us? Based on the fact that there’s safety in numbers.” I had no experience with this, but it made sense. And we had a lot in common with them, so why wouldn’t we get along?
I had definitely realized, early on in knowing her, that Stella had issues when it came to trusting other people. Especially trusting that they weren’t going to hate her right off the bat. It was shitty, but the only way she’d realize that not everyone was an asshole was to introduce her to more people who were going to adore her just the way she was. Not the bitch queen. The beautiful girl who spent an entire summer with Tolstoy. The girl who loved animals and laughed in the library and was passionate about cheerleading. If anyone didn’t like that girl, they had some serious issues.
“I guess you’re right. I just don’t like meeting new people.” I stroked her temple.
“I know, baby. But I think this will be good. For both of us. As much as I like living in our bubble, I think it’s time for us to get out. I don’t want to turn into people that never leave their houses or go out in the sunlight.” She giggled.
“I think we’re going to be fine.” I leaned down and kissed her head.
“Yeah, we are. We’re gonna be fine.”
The weather warmed up again (if you don’t like the weather in Maine, wait five minutes) so the game was on for Friday. I was a little nervous about going, but excited about seeing Stella cheer. She was just so good at it.
My friends had backed off after that little “talk” they’d had with me during lunch on Wednesday, but I could tell they were still watching me.
“Don’t let them force you into anything,” Grace said, leaning over as we froze our asses off on the bleachers.
“I’m not. Stella and I are tired of hiding. We want to be like everyone else. And it’s not like we’re ashamed, you know? I’m proud of her.” My eyes flicked over to her as she made a funny face at Midori.
“Good. And if you need anyone to kick someone’s ass for you, I volunteer.” I didn’t want her to do that, but her heart was in the right place.
“Thanks.”
“What are best friends for?” She put her arm around me and we snuggled closer together.
“I wish someone looked at me like that,” she said and I tore my eyes away from Stella. Again.
“Huh?”
Grace nodded in Stella’s direction.
“I wish someone looked at me the way you look at her.” I gaped at her and she just grinned.
“It’s really sweet. I’m not jealous, I swear.” Last year, Grace had broken up with her boyfriend she’d had since junior high when he went to a private school an hour away. I knew she still cried about it every now and then. I almost felt like I was rubbing my happiness in her face.
“Grace—” I started to say, but she put her hand up.
“It’s not your fault. I’m really, really happy for you. Just makes me miss when I felt like that.” I put my arm around her.
“You will again.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
The game finally started, but I paid even less attention to what was happening on the field than I usually did. Too busy looking at my girl.
She kept flashing looks back at me and once she even winked. She’d asked me if I wanted to come hang out with her and her friends after the game and I’d turned her down, but now I was rethinking it.
“Do you want to
go to the barn party with me?” There was a guy, Raylan Ford, whose parents had a farm with an old barn on their property and didn’t really care what he and his friends did to it since they were just going to demolish it anyway.
Grace made a face.
“I’d rather not subject myself to the rednecks tonight.” I had a feeling she’d say that, and I didn’t blame her. As liberal as our little town was, it was still incredibly white and people didn’t get called out on their shit as much as they should sometimes.
“Yeah, okay,” I said, looking back at Stella.
“But for you, I’ll do it. Unless someone says something. Then I’m out.” I stared at her.
“Seriously?” That was a best friend right there.
“Yeah, who knows? It could be fun.” I wasn’t sure about that. I’d never gone to one of the barn parties because it had never appealed to me, but Stella appealed to me and anywhere she was, that was where I wanted to be. So we were going to a barn party.
I waited on the bleachers for Stella to pack up her stuff and for most of the crowd from the game to disperse. Grace said she had to “get something from her car” so she’d left me by myself a few minutes ago.
“Hey, baby,” Stella said, coming over. “I bet I could give you a hug right now and no one would think anything.” I got up and put my arms out and she walked into them.
“Hi,” I said, hugging her and not even caring that she was sweaty.
“Hi back. I saw you staring at me.”
“Am I not allowed to stare at my girlfriend?” She pulled back and I reached up to adjust the bow she had on top of her head, adorning her high ponytail.
“Oh, that’s right. You totally are.” She gave me a sweet smile.
“So, I think Grace and I are going to the barn party.” Her face lit up.
“Really? That would be so great. Then we can all hang out together. My theory is if we bring our groups together enough, they’ll just mesh and make one big group.” She was so cute.
“We’ll see.” I gave her another hug and said I would meet her at the party with Grace.
I headed to my car and found Grace leaning on it, messing with her phone.
“I can drive so we only have to take one car. You just say the word and I’ll bring you back.”
She gave me a thumbs up and we got in the car.
I was both apprehensive and exited that Kyle was coming to the party. Both feelings churned in my stomach as I drove myself and Midori way out to the boonies where the barn was.
“So she’s coming?” I’d told Midori that Kyle and Grace were going to meet us there.
“Yup. We’re not going to be official, but this is the first time we’ve hung out in public together, so . . .” I turned off onto a dirt road and slowed down so my car wouldn’t bottom out on the potholes.
“It’s a shame you can’t just be together like everyone else.” I swerved to avoid a huge branch and winced as we bumped over the uneven road. We’d had to take the back way to the farm because the cops in town liked to cruise and try and find parties to bust.
“Yeah, it is. Someday, though.”
At last we arrived and I parked my car in the field next to a rusted-out truck and looked for Kyle. I sent her a text and then saw her waving from another row of cars.
Midori and I walked over and joined Kyle and Grace.
“Hey,” I said to both of them. I hoped this wasn’t going to be painfully awkward.
Kyle just grabbed my hand and then gave me a kiss on the cheek. I was stunned when I pulled back.
“Sorry, couldn’t help it.”
“They’re so cute it’s painful,” Grace said to Midori.
“Tell me about it.”
And that was it.
The four of us headed to the party, Kyle and I holding hands since it was dark and no one would probably see. Grace and Midori started talking about comics (apparently Midori’s older sister was going to college to do the art for graphic novels) and completely ignored us.
“Well, that worked out,” Kyle said in my ear as we approached the barn. A couple of people had a bonfire going near (but not too near) the barn and were throwing shit on it and yelling as the sparks flared up. There was music coming from the open barn doors.
I sighed and dropped Kyle’s hand. It was like a punch in the stomach until she grabbed it back.
“No. I’m not hiding. I’m not stopping myself from touching you because of other people. Seriously, fuck that.” I stopped walking and turned to face her.
“Really?”
“Hell, yeah. I was thinking about it all day today and I’m ready. I’m ready for this.” She held up our joined hands and I felt tears in the corners of my eyes.
“So this is it? We’re doing this at a shitty barn party where everyone will probably be too stoned or drunk to remember on Monday?” She shrugged.
“Guess so.”
Midori and Grace had stopped walking ahead of us, just at the entrance to the barn. They both looked down at our hands and then started clapping.
“Oh, shut up,” Kyle said.
“I used to think you were a complete bitch, but Kyle has assured me that you aren’t, so I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt,” Grace said, looking at me.
“Thank you?”
“Uh huh,” she said and then started talking to Midori again.
“Let’s go, baby,” Kyle said, tugging on my hand.
I wasn’t sure what I expected when we walked in. Maybe an explosion. Or for everyone to comically freeze and gasp in unison.
Neither of those things happened.
“We got this,” Kyle said, squeezing my hand. A few people glanced over, looked down at our joined hands and then just started talking again. One dude yelled out “Hey, dykes!” but he was standing on a barrel and fell off immediately after.
“This isn’t so bad,” I said as we found a corner away from the music that had a few rotting benches we could sit on. We had to walk through pockets of pot smoke and I was glad the ceiling of the barn was basically gone so we weren’t drowning in it. The beams were strung with lanterns and half-dead twinkle lights, all powered with orange extension cords. The entire thing was probably a fire hazard, but so far, so good.
“We’re going to get drinks,” Midori said. “Do you guys want anything?” I looked at Kyle.
“Water? Or Coke. Nothing alcoholic,” I said and Kyle agreed. Grace and Midori went off for the drinks and it was just the two of us.
“This is so weird,” Kyle said, leaning closer to me and then kissing me on the cheek.
“But not weird at the same time,” I said, kissing the back of her hand.
“Exactly.”
A few girls from the squad came over and they were stunned for a few seconds, but after we talked to them and said, yes, we were together, they wanted to know everything.
“OMG, can I come to your wedding?” Candace asked.
“Um, we literally just started dating. I think it’s a little early for that. Right, babe?” Kyle blushed and there was a chorus of awwws. It was a bit like being an exhibit in a zoo. Finally, their curiosity was satisfied and a bunch of them went to dance.
“I guess we’re cute,” Kyle said as Midori and Grace came back and handed us our drinks.
“You are cute. It’s gross,” Grace said, popping the top of her soda. A lot of the cheer girls were dancing with their boyfriends or other guys all in one big heaving clump. I remembered doing that and it had been fun, but I wasn’t a fan of having a guy pressing his dick into my ass and then getting a hard-on while we were grinding.
“Whatever,” Kyle said.
I expected more attention from the guys, but a lot of them were out at the bonfire, busy with their own girls, or drunk off their asses.
I did hear a few wolf whistles and one guy walked by and asked if we would bang him, but we just ignored him. It honestly wasn’t that bad. So far. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“I shouldn’t stay too l
ate. My parents are actually enforcing my curfew now,” Kyle said with a rueful smile. “I never had a reason to stay out before you, girlfriend.”
“I’m flattered,” I said, fluttering my lashes at her.
“Hey, you’re not the only gays at this party,” Grace said, pointing with her soda can.
Across the room were Tris and her girlfriend, Polly, standing close together and talking with some people. I’d never seen them interacting that much outside of their usual group.
“Should we go say something?” Kyle asked. “What’s the protocol here?”
I laughed.
“I have no idea. But maybe we should let them come to us. I’m sure word has gotten out by now.” It definitely would by Monday. We’d really done this with a bang, but why the hell not?
Someone turned the music up since more people had moved out to the makeshift dance floor in the middle of the room.
“Do you want to dance with me?” I asked Kyle and her face went white.
“Um, no. I don’t think so.” She looked away from me. I glanced at Grace and she just gave me a shrug.
“Why not?” I asked, brushing a wisp of hair over her ear.
She heaved a heavy sigh.
“In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m not very coordinated. And you are a goddess.” I almost laughed. No one had ever called me that before.
“Everyone can dance.” She gave me a look as if I’d said something stupid.
“Oh, this is ridiculous, come on.” I stood up and pulled her to her feet, against her protests.
“We won’t go over there,” I said, pointing to the main floor. “We’ll dance right here.”
I closed my eyes for a second and the song switched to a country song with a fast and driving beat.
“Stellll,” Kyle whined. “I don’t want to do this.” I gave her the quickest of kisses and winked.
“You will.”
I turned around and grabbed her hands, placing them on my hips as I found the beat of the music and started moving my hips. Kyle was stiff for a second.
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