My first apartment had more roaches than the foster home. Fuck, I remember sleeping with a hat on just so they wouldn’t crawl into my ears. But the first of my luck changed when a new co-worker started. She had just moved into town and was looking for a roommate. Same rent as what I paid now, but the utilities were going to be shared, so I jumped on it. My life was just starting to pan out when I walked to a table late Saturday night, early Sunday morning.
“What can I get you?” I asked the blond boy sitting there opening five or six books.
He didn’t look up. “Coffee, just lots and lots of coffee.” When he finally looked up, my stomach went into a loop. He had the clearest blue eyes I’d ever seen. “Just keep it coming.” He smiled at me, and his dimple made my heart sputter. Nodding at him while I looked down at my notepad, I was hoping to God I wasn’t blushing.
I looked back up at him, smiling shyly. “Coming right up.” I turned and walked away and watched him for the next seven hours as he studied. He came back the next night, and the night after that. His smile made my belly flip and my heart race, and when he finally got the nerve to ask me out, I couldn’t say no.
“Has Daddy called?” Lizzie’s question snaps me out of my daydream.
I shake my head. “Not yet,” I say sadly, the whole time actually fucking cursing him. Lately, he’s just fucking absent, and I hate it. “Maybe when you get back.” I smile at her as Daisy runs down the steps one at a time, picking up her backpack.
“Let’s go to the bus.” I kiss Lizzie’s head, grabbing both girls’ hands, and walk them to the corner to wait for the yellow school bus. “Have a great day at school,” I tell them when the bus pulls up, and they climb on.
I make my way to my house, our house—another dream come true for me. Walking inside, I go to the kitchen to clean up the plates from this morning. Once everything is finished, I pick up my phone to call Eric.
“Hey, you’ve reached Eric, leave a message.”
I breathe out. “It’s me. The girls tried calling you last night and this morning. I know you’re busy, but can you call me back?” I toss my phone down, making myself another cup of coffee.
My stomach turned and roiled, my hand resting on my now empty stomach. Our third baby was not meant to be. Two days after we found out, I miscarried. I didn’t know what to think about it. If I’m honest, it was a relief to both of us.
The pregnancy was a shock, especially with Eric’s crazy travel schedule.
He’s hardly home anymore, and when he’s here, he isn’t really here. I had a mini breakdown seven or eight months ago because I thought he was cheating. I looked for the signs, even looked in his phone when he was sleeping, but didn’t find anything. Even when I sat him down as I cried in his arms, he told me I was being silly and crazy. But something was there, something I couldn’t explain or put my finger on. I’m lost in my head today, so much so I don’t even notice the leak coming from the dishwasher till it’s all over my floor.
“Fuck,” I say, running to get towels to mop it up. It takes me a full hour to finally get the floor clean. I pick up my phone and call my brother-in-law Elliot, who answers on the first ring.
“If it isn’t my favorite sister-in-law,” he says, laughing.
I roll my eyes. “I’m your only sister-in-law.” I laugh. Eric has two brothers, Elliot, and then his younger brother, Ethan. If there wasn’t a difference in ages, you would think they were triplets.
“Okay, you got me there.” He laughs. “But no matter what, you’ll always be my favorite.”
I shake my head, smiling. “Because I cook for you and wash your clothes.” With Eric out so much, Elliot usually joins us for dinner whenever he can, but lately, it hasn’t been that much. I think he has a new girl, and it’s getting serious. “My dishwasher is leaking again.”
“Where is Eric?” he asks.
“He left yesterday,” I answer and then look at the clock. It’s almost pickup time. “Do you think you can come and look at it?” I ask him. “I’m making chicken enchiladas.”
He groans. “Fine, twist my arm. I’ll be there after I finish work,” he says, and I hear a drill in the background. He’s a mechanic who just opened his own shop in town.
“Thank you,” I say, hanging up the phone and walking out the door to the bus stop. The kids bounce off the bus, and I bend to kiss them both.
“How was school?” I ask them, and Lizzie tells me about the solar system project she needs to have done for tomorrow that she forgot about. I groan inwardly because I hated the solar system. “We can YouTube and Google and see what we come up with.” I grab her by the shoulders, bringing her to me; she is getting so big.
The first thing the girls do is unload their lunch bags, throwing all the things in the garbage or the sink. I walk over to the computer with Lizzie, and we make a plan for the solar system. “We need to run out and get supplies,” I tell her as I call for Daisy, who comes hopping into the room. “We need to go to Michael’s for Lizzie’s project,” I tell her, and we all load up the minivan. We spend the next fucking three hours cutting Styrofoam balls and painting them different colors.
Daisy has a meltdown because I won’t let her use the glue gun, and then again when I won’t let her paint. I’m at my wit’s end when she calls out for Daddy with her last breakdown.
I pick up the phone to call him, going into another room. His voicemail picks up again. “Seriously, this is fucking ridiculous,” I say, angry with the fact I’m having to do a solar system project, angry that my five-year-old is having a nervous breakdown because she’s tired, angry that for the past fucking eighteen months, he hasn’t really fucking been here, and I’ve fucking had it.
The hormones in my body are still fucking all over the place, my body doesn’t know if I’m having a baby or not, and it’s just the straw that broke the camel’s back. I hang up right when Elliot walks in and looks at me.
“You okay?” he asks, coming to me.
“No, I’m not okay. Your brother isn’t answering, Lizzie forgot about a project that she needs to do, Daisy is overtired and just crying about everything. I’ve kind of just reached my limit.” He doesn’t say anything, just goes into the kitchen.
“I heard someone needs some help,” he says, and Daisy finally gets up from the floor, running to him. “Daisy girl, why the tears?”
“Mommy didn’t let me glue and cut.” She wipes the tears from her cheeks with her palms. “Or paint.”
“Well, it’s dangerous.” I let him explain to Daisy what I just tried to explain to her for the past two hours. Going to the stove, I take his plate out of the oven. He looks up, smiling when he sits on the chair. Picking Daisy up on his lap, he eats with one hand. I finish the project with Lizzie while Elliot gets his tools out and asks Daisy to be his helper.
That lasts a whole five minutes before I hear crying from the kitchen and then Daisy runs in. “I want Daddy,” she says, and I murmur, “You aren’t the only one.”
I pick up my phone again to call his number, and this time, it connects after two rings. Fucking finally.
“Hello?” a shaky female voice answers his phone, and my stomach drops. The back of my neck gets hot, and my heart starts to pound so loud, it feels like it’s coming out of my eardrums. My hands shake and get sweaty.
“Hello,” I answer, my voice almost as shaky as the woman who answered. “Who is this?” I ask her now, my voice coming out a little bit higher as I wait for her to tell me who she is. I think I know, I think my heart knows, but in the end, I knew nothing. Because the next few words cut me to my core. It is like he stood over me with a knife and stabbed me right in the heart. “This is Hailey.”
“Who is Hailey?” I ask, waiting for the dreaded answer. Waiting for the confirmation of what I know deep inside.
“Who are you?” she asks me, not willing to tell me who she is.
“I’m his wife,” I say, and the shattering of her phone fills the silence. Just like that, my world falls apart, and my
knees now give out as I fall to the floor.
They say that when something happens to you and your body goes into shock, you remember key things from that day. I will never smell lemon again without thinking of the day my life changed. I will never listen to a certain song without being transported back.
Your brain shuts off and goes into itself as it takes in certain little things, like the heat on your face as you drive down the street and the sound of chirping birds in the distance as they soar in front of you. The constant beat of your heart in your chest as the sound echoes in your ears like galloping horses. This is how you survive, I’m told. This is how my story goes. This is how my perfect life became broken.
Samantha
Samantha
“Hello?” Another strange voice comes on the phone as my head starts to turn and my eyes start to see white spots.
“Who is this?” I now ask in a whisper again.
“This is Crystal.” she says. “Who is this?”
“Samantha.” My voice cracks as a sob tries to come out, but I push it down. “Who are you guys, and why do you have Eric’s phone?” I look around to see if I can get Elliot’s attention, but I’m alone. I’m sitting in my living room with a picture of the two of us hanging in the middle of the room. My two girls beside me as I sit here and find out where my husband is.
“Are you …” Crystal stops and then asks, “Who are you to Eric?”
“I’m his wife,” I finally say. The sadness leaves me, replaced with anger. “And I’m about tired of answering questions without getting any of my own.”
“I …” She stops, and then I hear her breathe out. “Where are you?”
“I’m at home,” I answer her right away.
“I need you to sit down.” It’s there again, the pain; the pain that turned to anger comes back. I look at Lizzie, who looks at me with tears running down her face, and Daisy, who has curled up beside me and is looking up at me, hoping I have the answers. “There has been an accident.”
“Oh my God,” I whisper, and the sob that I was holding back now comes ripping through me. The shrieking and pain, running up my throat so hard, fast and loud, my throat burns.
“Is he okay?” I ask between the sobs.
A man’s voice comes on. “He didn’t make it.” Four words that take whatever is left of me.
“Mommy,” Lizzie says beside me. “Mommy, are you okay?” The tears stream down my cheeks, my chest starts to go up and down, and my breathing is so hard. My free hand goes to my chest, hoping to get the pain to go away.
“Where”—I try to catch my breath, try to calm myself down before I pass out—“where is he?”
“He’s at Mercy General Hospital.” His voice goes soft. “I’m sorry for your loss, but I have to know who are you?”
“I’m his wife,” I say again. How many fucking times do I have to tell these people that I’m his wife? “We’ve been married twelve years. We have girls.” My voice fades off when I hear shouting.
“What the fuck is going on?” Elliot finally says, grabbing the phone out of my hands. With everything going on, I didn’t even see him walk in. I didn’t notice him standing over me; I didn’t notice anything. “Who the fuck is this?”
“Where is Samantha?” the man asks right away.
“She’s right next to me. Now, answer my fucking question,” he says. I don’t know what the other guy says, but Elliot’s eyes close, and his head falls back as one tear escapes him.
“Fuck,” he hisses. “Where is he? Who is this?” My knees give out, and I fall to my butt, sitting down. My girls crawl on my lap, and I hold them both, rocking from side to side while humming their favorite song that I used to rock them to bed with. My eyes close as I try to focus on the fact that I’m all alone, by myself. He’s gone. The man who took me out of the shitty life I was handed and gave me everything I ever dreamed of on a silver platter.
He gave me love, he gave me protection, and he gave me two brothers, but most importantly, he made me a mother. I block out the words; I block out the angry tone of Elliot’s voice. I block it all out.
“That’s impossible,” he now whispers. “He’s already married.”
He hangs up and slowly peels Daisy from me, carrying her upstairs. I hear his voice in a whisper as he walks downstairs. “I just called Ethan, and he’s on his way.” He grabs Lizzie, who had fallen asleep silently sobbing in my lap.
I’m still sitting in the middle of my living room when he comes back downstairs. “What just happened?” I want him to tell me it’s a dream, to tell me that it’s not true.
“I have no fucking idea, but by the end of tonight, I hope we all know the answers.”
“Who were those people?” I ask him right when the front door opens, and my in-laws, Judy and Adrian, enter. My mother-in-law sits down next to me, taking me in her arms.
“Oh, honey,” she says while she strokes my hair, and I cry in her arms. Another thing he gave me was a mother and a father. Someone who welcomed me with open arms, with love and support. “It’s going to be okay.”
I don’t say anything as we both cry—me for my husband, her for her son. When Ethan arrives, he sees us sitting in the middle of the living room. My father-in-law stands with Elliot, and they talk in whispers. “I came as fast as I could.”
“You need to go with your brother,” Adrian says to him. “Go to this woman’s house and grab his stuff.” His voice comes out bitter and angry. “I already called the lawyer.”
“What?” I ask, looking up at him. “What lawyer?”
“It’s not for you to worry about now,” he says with his lips pressed together. “You have enough on your plate.”
“I need to know,” I tell them, my mother-in-law’s hands falling from me.
Elliot grabs the back of his neck with his hand and starts talking. “She needs to know.” He looks at his father, who glares at him. “Apparently, he was married to this woman named Hailey.”
I gasp out in shock, my hand going to my mouth. “What?”
The thought of him having an affair is beyond anything I could understand, but marrying this woman? This faceless woman, how could he?
“They got married six months ago,” Elliot whispers and then stops when his father cuts in.
“Doesn’t mean shit. He gave them the wrong name,” he hisses. “You are to go there, get his body and all his belongings, and come back.” He puts his hands in his pockets. “Papers are being drawn up as we speak.”
“What papers?” My throat is dry.
“Nothing to concern yourself about,” he says, turning to Ethan. I look at Elliot, and he just shakes his head. “Go before it gets too late. I have Phillip meeting you at the hospital to bring his body home.”
Oh my God, the words are too much as the sob comes out, and I cover my mouth with my hand. Elliot comes over to me and picks me up, his hands around my shoulder as he carries me upstairs and places me in the bed. “Listen to me,” he says as my body shakes with sobs. “I have to leave, but I will tell you whatever you need to know when I come back.” I nod my head, tucking my knees to my chest as I watch him walk out of the room. I watch the doorway for the next five hours, flipping the pillow over four times from the tears that have soaked it.
The pain of him being gone, the pain of him not explaining to me what just happened, the pain that my daughters will never get to grow up with him. He will never walk them down the aisle; he will never have their first dance together. He is just gone.
When I finally hear the front door open, I sit up and walk to the staircase. My head’s spinning, so I sit on the steps, listening.
“I need a drink.” I hear Elliot say, opening the cupboard and taking out what I’m assuming is the scotch we kept in there.
“Who wants one?” he asks, and I hear Ethan grunt.
“So did you meet her?” my mother-in-law asks.
“Oh, yeah,” Ethan says. “We sure did,” he hisses.
“Bitch,” Judy says. “What
kind of a woman takes another man’s wife?”
“Well,” Elliot now talks, “he lied to her, so I don’t really think it’s all her fault.” I walk down to the kitchen quietly as I listen to them talk. “He used his middle name and told them he was an orphan.”
“He had to have had a reason,” Adrian says, and I close my eyes. “Whatever the reason, I don’t give a shit. We are to never talk about that woman or her family. She is never to be discussed. No one, and I mean fucking no one, can know about this.”
“What are you talking about?” Ethan asks. “Dad, he married this woman, and they had a house together. He had another fucking family. How do you sweep that under the rug?” He doesn’t ask any more questions as Adrian’s hand hits the table.
“Not a fucking word. For all we know, that woman is insane and lying through her teeth. The lawyer has drawn up the papers, and she is going to be served today.”
I walk into the kitchen now, catching the four of them sitting at my kitchen table off guard. The solar system project neatly put away. The four of them look over at me. “Served what?” I look at them, one at a time, but Ethan and Elliot are the only ones who look down. “What?”
“We are serving her a cease and desist,” my father-in-law says, “and a restraining order against you and the kids.”
“What?” I whisper, my hand going to my chest. “What for?”
“We don’t know anything about this woman. We don’t know if she is crazy or if she will come after you and the girls,” he says, and Judy nods.
“We have to protect you and the girls.” Judy gets up and walks over to me, wrapping me in her arms.
“Don’t worry about this. Let him take care of it. Let us take care of you.” She hugs me in her arms as I sob out again. I let her walk me back upstairs to my bed and lie back down, thinking they are just looking out for me and the girls. They are just looking out for our safety and well-being.
This is what families do, right? They protect you, they shelter you from the pain, and they help you when you’re down and can’t stand. I have no one to ask; I have no one to tell me the difference. Little did I know … little did I know.
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