by Lea Coll
I took a sip of water before I spoke. “I’m pregnant.”
Kristen’s mouth fell open. “That’s not what I thought you were going to say.” But she quickly recovered, a smile spread across her face. “That’s amazing. Congratulations!”
“Thank you.” Telling Kristen my good news was tempered by stress over the job offer.
At my less than enthusiastic response, she asked, “Unless it’s not good news?”
“It was unexpected to say the least but yes, I’m happy.”
Kristen closed her eyes briefly before asking, “Tell me Wyatt is the father.”
“He is.”
Kristen smiled. “Good. I always thought you guys would get back together.”
“That’s the thing. My old boss called and offered me a promotion.”
Kristen put her sub down. “Back up. I thought you were fired. Why would they offer you a promotion?”
“Apparently, the president’s niece switched my work with hers. I was fired because I wasn’t creative enough, but it was really Elizabeth’s work.” I shrugged. “She wanted my job.”
“Now they’re begging you to come back.”
“That’s the gist.”
“What are you going to do?” Kristen’s forehead scrunched in concern.
I was grateful she didn’t automatically assume I’d say no to this opportunity like my family would. “It’s a great opportunity. It’s what I’ve always wanted—the art director position. It’s more money and potential to move on to a different company making even more money. I know if I stayed here this opportunity might never come up again.”
“Are you sure you want to work someplace where someone stole your work, got you fired, and still works there? It doesn’t sound like a great working environment.”
“He said he’d keep her out of my department but as the president’s niece she’s into everything. The nature of her job gives her access to our interoffice emails and projects.”
“If you go back there you’ll be working crazy hours again and you won’t take care of yourself.”
Those were valid concerns. I was so torn on what the right thing was to do.
“You have options. You could be your own boss and open your own business. I’ve never worked so hard before, but it’s for me. Nothing is more satisfying than working for yourself. I know you could do it too. You have a strong work ethic. Look how you handled Samantha and Jack’s wedding.”
“Everyone keeps saying that.”
“That or photography or graphic design. Whatever you put your mind to. In fact, you could do all three of those things—at least to start and then if it takes off you could hire others to help. It won’t be easy especially with a baby on the way.”
We were quiet for a few minutes as we ate.
“Don’t you think it will be hard to raise the baby in the city by yourself? Here, you have friends, family, Wyatt.” Her eyes met mine, and more excitedly she asked, “Do you think Wyatt would go with you?”
“He said he’d follow me for the baby, but he just interviewed for a promotion he really wants. I don’t want to ask him to leave.”
“Have you thought about trying something long-distance?”
“Not sure how that works with a baby. He comes on the weekend?” It doesn’t sound as good as staying here though and having his help every day.
“It’s not ideal, but it’s an option. You both get what you want.”
“It feels like an impossible situation. I’ve always wanted to work. I can’t imagine who I am if I’m not working.”
“But you have been without that job for a couple months and I thought you were happy. I really thought you’d stay.”
“A part of me doesn’t want to leave. These past few weeks with Wyatt have been perfect, but I can’t let go of my dream. If I walk away from this opportunity, I’ll always wonder what if, you know? And I don’t want to resent my baby—I don’t want to go through life wondering how my life would have been different.”
“I guess it comes down to what matters to you. Is it your career? Is it Wyatt? Is it the baby? Is it all three? Is there a way to have all three?” Kristen finished her sub, cleaned up her wrapper, and threw it in the trash.
The thought of raising this baby alone in the city was terrifying even though my due date was still months away. When I had worked at Planit before, going out drinking and to the bars was part of the job. What would happen if I couldn’t participate in that? Then it hit me—I hadn’t even told Carl I was pregnant. Was I required to? Would he want to hire me if he knew?
We said our goodbyes because I needed to get to Samantha’s dress fitting. I walked a few blocks to the dress shop where we’d bought the dress. I couldn’t believe just a few weeks ago I was blissfully unaware that I was pregnant and my whole life was going to change. I opened the heavy wood door to the shop, to find Samantha waiting. “Are you excited to see your dress today?”
Samantha stood wringing her hands in front of her. “Yes. I hope I still like it.”
“It’s gorgeous. You’re going to love it.” I smiled and gave her a hug.
“Are you ladies ready to see the dress again?”
We both said, “Yes.”
I waited for Samantha on the staging area in the center of the store.
Samantha walked out with her veil, her shoes, and the dress, a huge smile on her face.
“See, I told you it was gorgeous, and it looks amazing on you.”
“It’s the right length. I just need to take it in at the chest and waist. You’re a tiny thing,” the seamstress said, showing Samantha the extra material in the mirror.
“Sounds good,” Samantha said.
While the seamstress placed pins in the areas she’d indicated, Samantha asked, “How have you been?”
I sucked in a breath. I couldn’t tell her before I told Wyatt. That wouldn’t be fair. “Alright.”
“Everything okay with the baby?”
“Yeah, we have another ultrasound in a few weeks.” But would I be here for it? If I moved, I’d need to find a new doctor, a hospital, and a pediatrician.
“I’m so jealous you’re having a baby. I feel ready for one now.” She looked down at the skirt of her dress as if she was embarrassed to admit her feelings.
“Well you’re getting married. You can start right away if you want. Then our babies would be close in age.” But what would it matter if I didn’t live here? I didn’t have the best memories growing up here—other than the time I spent with Wyatt.
“True. But I think I want to get the bakery more established first.”
I nodded. Samantha had the luxury of waiting for the right moment. If I wasn’t pregnant, I’d be packing for my move back to the city. Would I even have gotten in this deep with Wyatt if I wasn’t pregnant?
“I’m done. Are you ready to take it off?” the seamstress asked Samantha.
With one last look at her dress, Samantha nodded.
“You’ll need to come back to make sure my alterations are perfect so schedule that in three days before you leave, okay?” she asked.
“Will do.” Samantha stepped off the raised platform and walked to the dressing room.
I envied Samantha. Her business was here, her man was here, and she had all of the time in the world to have children. I’d done everything out of order.
I made sure Samantha scheduled her next fitting before checking my phone. I’d missed a text from Wyatt, who’d texted and said he had news, so I headed straight home.
I pulled into his driveway and parked next to his DNR truck, it felt eerily similar to the first time I had visited Wyatt at his home. I wasn’t surprised when I stepped onto the porch and Wyatt was waiting for me. The porch had become our place to relax at the end of the day and share things.
“There you are. How was the dress fitting?” He stood, pulling me in for a hug.
“Good. Samantha’s dress looks perfect.” I pulled back slightly to see his face. “You said you had news?�
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“Yeah, the captain told me the first lieutenant position is mine. They’re going to announce it officially on Monday.”
“That’s amazing! I’m so happy for you.”
“He also said he plans to retire in the next few years and he’d like me to be his successor.”
“That’s everything you ever wanted.” I wrapped my arms around him and hid my face in his chest. It was the worst possible news in light of my new development.
“I love being able to come home to you at night and share things like this with you.” He reached out to tuck my hair behind my ear.
I wanted that more than anything but there’s no way he’d feel the same once I told him my news. I didn’t want to ruin this moment, but I couldn’t keep it a secret. I searched his face, memorizing the adoring way he looked at me, because it wouldn’t last—not when I told him. With a sinking feeling, I knew he wouldn’t understand. He’d never understood my desire to pursue my career outside of Chestertown.
“What’s wrong?” His brow furrowed as he gripped my knee a little tighter.
“My feet hurt. Can we sit?” I sat on the chaise lounge he’d recently purchased so I could rest out here watching the water. I sat with my feet stretched out and Wyatt sat on the edge facing me.
“My old boss emailed me.”
“What did he have to say?” Wyatt was so still I didn’t think he was even taking in a breath.
“He explained how I was wrongly fired. How Elizabeth stole my work. And he offered me a job.”
His voice carefully controlled, he asked, “When was this?”
“It was a week or so ago, but I didn’t call him back until yesterday.”
“Why didn’t you tell me right away?” His body was strung tight, every muscle tense as if he was ready to bolt off the lounge and away from me.
“I didn’t think there was anything to tell.” I shrugged. “I was afraid of what Carl had to say. I’m happy here. I was afraid he was going to offer me something I couldn’t refuse.”
“Did he?”
I licked my dry lips trying to figure out the best way to say it. “He offered me a promotion to art director. I was an assistant graphic designer before, so the next promotion was to graphic designer—not a director position. I don’t have an official offer in writing. I’m waiting for that to make a decision.”
“So, you’re considering this,” he said, his words were carefully measured and he withdrew his hand from my knee.
“Well, yeah. I’d be an idiot not to consider all of my options.”
“I thought you’d made the decision to stay here. I told you the night we told our parents about the baby that you had to make a decision. You knew I didn’t want a relationship if you planned to leave.”
I didn’t mention that we were having sex at the time because even so, I had been sincere when I made that decision. “That was before I was offered a job.”
“I thought we were done with this.” He stood up running his fingers through his hair. “We’re having a baby now. I thought you were happy.”
“I am happy. But I still want my career. I never gave up on it. A director position at my age is huge. It’s more money.”
“Have you thought this through? You’re going to raise the baby in the city by yourself?” He stood above me, his hands on his hips.
My heart pounded in my ears. This felt like the most important conversation I’d ever had, but it was quickly spiraling out of control. “I haven’t made a decision. I want to discuss it with you. I don’t want to ask you to move. You just got the promotion you wanted, and this is what I’ve always wanted—”
“It sure as hell sounds like you’ve made up your mind.”
“What about a long-distance relationship? You could visit on the weekends or I could come down here.” My voice was louder, more panicked, and rising in volume as I sat up.
“Didn’t you work eighty hours a week when you were an assistant? Wouldn’t you be working even more hours as a director? Would you even be off on the weekends?”
I grimaced because he was right. “I can talk to Carl about working from home on the evenings and weekend. Nothing is settled yet.”
“I don’t know, Lucy. I can’t wrap my mind around why you’re even considering it. I think if it was an offer for a different employer I’d understand it more, but the same place that fired you?” He shook his head.
“It’s an impossible situation. We were both offered our dream promotions in different towns. We either try long-distance or one of us has to give up their dream job. I don’t know if there is a right answer.”
I could feel him pulling away from me and it was my fault. His eyes were devoid of emotion and he held his body away from mine. I wanted to reach out. I wanted to make this decision in his arms with him telling me he was there for me and we’d do this together. It was selfish of me to ask him to leave his job, but one of us had to make a sacrifice and he wanted it to be me. “I wanted your opinion, but I should have known—unless I live in Chestertown, we’re done, right? You’re so set in your ways you’d never consider the possibility of leaving here.”
He crossed his arms over his chest. “I’ve always wanted to stay here, and I said I’d follow you if you took the baby—but again how does that work when your job is so demanding? I guess, what I’ve been trying to tell you—what everyone has been trying to tell you—is that you need to find a more family-friendly job, one that allows you to be home with your child on evenings and weekends.”
“I haven’t discussed it with Carl—that might be possible. He seemed pretty willing to work with me.” I thought saying that would help the situation, but a muscle in Wyatt’s jaw ticked. “I want to provide for the baby too. That’s important to me.”
“I can provide for the baby.”
“Ugh. You’re infuriating. This isn’t the 1950s. I want to provide for our baby too.” He was so stubborn. “I thought you were supposed to consider what both people wanted in a relationship, but it’s always what you want.” I stood up, pointing a finger at his chest. It came back to the same thing every time. We were both too stubborn to ever make this work.
“Maybe it’s best if we have some space from each other.” All of his words about doing this together and making decisions together seemed to fall away the minute I was offered a job. He was the perfect man as long as I was willing to stay here and fall in line with his expectations.
“I knew you would leave. I knew I couldn’t trust you.” He uncrossed his arms and took a few steps toward the door.
“I always told you it was a possibility and you said we were in this together.” At that moment, I felt very much alone. It felt like high school when he said if I walked away it was forever. He was creating distance between us. I wanted him to turn to me, take me into his arms, and ask me to stay. Tell me he understood how important supporting the baby was to me and say we’d figure it out together. Whether that was working this job for a short while to see if it was doable, trying long-distance, or whatever option we could come up with.
He’d paused, turned away from me, and shook his head. “I don’t even know why we’re having this conversation.” He opened the door to his house and let the screen door slam behind him.
What the fuck just happened? I’d never felt so frustrated and helpless. Had I phrased it like I’d already made up my mind? Maybe I had. Maybe there was never a decision to be made. If he didn’t ask me to stay, could I stay even if my heart was breaking and there was no way I could numb myself this time?
He stood at the kitchen counter, a drink in his hand, watching me. “Maybe space and some time to think is what we need.” But as I headed to his bedroom to pack, I wasn’t sure leaving was what I wanted.
I hesitated in the kitchen, unsure what he’d do or say. I held my breath hoping he’d say the words I longed to hear: Stay with me. Let’s figure this out together.
“Take care of yourself and our baby.”
The tears formed in my ey
es, but I refused to let one fall down my face until I was gone. How could he say that? How was he so easily letting me go?
“I didn’t want this to happen. That’s why I made you promise that you wouldn’t leave before we started anything.” His voice was resigned—defeated.
He’d given up on us. “Nothing has to happen. We can work together.”
“Will you tell me when you leave so I know? And keep me updated about the baby?”
“Of course.” My voice was tight. He wasn’t listening to me. I wanted out of his house so I could break down. I was right—walking away from him now was so much harder than in high school. We didn’t even know what we’d had in high school. I stepped out onto the porch and walked quickly to my car, throwing my bag on the passenger seat, and backing out before the first sob broke from my chest. Goddammit. This is why I’d hesitated to get into a relationship. You gave power to someone else to hurt you, disappoint you.
Maybe I’d hurt Wyatt irrevocably when I walked away the first time and he was protecting himself—by distancing himself from me, by walking away before I could. The only thing I knew for sure was that there was no way I could numb myself this time. I was in too deep.
Wyatt
I was a grouchy insufferable mess in the days after Lucy moved out. I’d had everything I ever wanted and then it slipped away.
I’d spent the last few days trying to figure out what I could have said or done differently. Should I have been less angry, more open to listening to her, should I have vowed to move with her no matter her decision? When she said her boss offered her a job, my mind kept flashing back to when she’d dumped me and all I could think this time was: it’s happening again. I’d opened myself up to her and no matter what I said she’d made up her mind—she was leaving. Nothing that happened the last few months meant anything to her.
I tried to disassociate physically and emotionally from her. I had to protect myself. I couldn’t allow it to happen again. I was stronger this time.
But all of that moving away from her, putting up walls, shielding myself, meant one thing—I hadn’t really heard anything she said that night. I hadn’t listened to her. Thinking back, her eyes weren’t flat and dull like the first time she dumped me. Instead, her eyes were pleading with me to do something—say something. I wasn’t sure what she needed from me, because it seemed like her mind was made up. I should have waited until I calmed down to finish the discussion.