I chuckle. “Shots fired.”
She tilts her head and sighs. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just mean, I don’t know, being a bodyguard--sorry, personal security--doesn’t seem like a job most people would be happy with long-term.”
“Maybe not. But it got me here, so I can’t complain too much,” I say, watching to see her reaction.
Her cheeks blossom with pink. “I thought you were supposed to be professional security. Not a professional flirt.”
A young girl drops our food off. Makayla’s eyes widen as she takes in the burger and shake. “This does look good.”
We spend a few minutes quietly enjoying our food. I forgot how much she and I always clicked. I hate talking while I’m eating, and she was always the same. We could just eat in relative peace, enjoying our food and talking after. She glances up at me, eyes sparkling as if she just thought of the exact same thing. There’s a glob of orange Z sauce at the corner of her mouth as she smiles.
I reach across the table and swipe it away with my thumb without thinking, licking the sauce from my finger. My unthinking gesture feels a hell of a lot more seductive than it should’ve been, and judging by the way her chest is practically heaving, she thought so too. My cock stirs and I shift in my seat.
I’m about to apologize and set the record straight, to tell her that I don’t get involved with clients, even if I can’t stop myself from hitting on her every time a chance presents itself, but something outside the window catches my eye. A flash of gold. I just barely see the two pointed goat horns on a golden mask tucked in a man’s inner jacket pocket. I jolt upright, jostling the table. I rush outside the restaurant and hear Makayla coming after me.
“Wait here!” I growl at her.
I burst out the door, find the man, and slow my pace just enough to avoid catching his attention before I want to. I walk right up behind him, putting my hand on the back of his neck. The street is relatively crowded, and I can avoid causing a scene if I play my cards right.
“Make a sound and I’ll snap your fucking neck,” I say into his ear, still walking beside him.
He moves his eyes toward me. “You must have the wrong guy,” he says. He’s probably in his twenties. He’s relatively built and his mannerisms mark him as former or current military to me. What the fuck is a soldier doing playing this stupid game?
“This way,” I say, pushing him down an alley between two buildings. There’s an alcove that blocks us completely from the street a few yards into the alley, and I shove him roughly into it. His chin bounces off the bricks. He spins, landing hard and cupping his bloodied chin. His hand moves to his back, but I’m on top of him in an instant, feeling at the waistband of his pants and finding the gun he was reaching for.
I step back, racking a bullet into the chamber and pointing it at him. “Looking for this?”
He shakes his head, blood dripping from his chin. He’s already sobbing. Fucking pathetic.
I hear footsteps coming down the alley. I turn, seeing Makayla walking cautiously toward me, looking so effortlessly beautiful that she snaps me out of the moment. I feel a wave of pity for this bleeding coward on the ground, as if seeing Makayla in the middle of this gives me some kind of new perspective on the violence, but I push it down. I don’t have room to get distracted. I kneel, still pointing the gun toward him as I roughly open his jacket and pull the mask free.
“Go back to the restaurant, Kay,” I snap.
She stops short when I used my old pet name for her by mistake. “What are you doing?”
“Just go back to the--”
The soldier sees an opportunity while I’m distracted and lunges forward, wrestling me for control of the gun. He has decent training, but I can tell after just a few seconds that he doesn’t have the real world experience to back it up. I let him think he’s putting me in a vulnerable position as he turns me to face the ground, and when he takes the bait and reaches past me for the gun, I grab his arm and yank him forward, using my back as a fulcrum to flip him hard to the pavement. I don’t let go of his arm as he flips and I feel it snap and twist as he spins over me.
He screams, curling in on himself and clutching his arm. The sound of his screams bring me back to the war. I feel the sun beating on my back, the layers of sand caked on my sweat and blood soaked skin. I feel the ache of the bullet I took in my thigh a few months ago. My hand is around an insurgent’s throat. My gun is out of ammo and my knife is back near where the IED went off. He’s clawing at my forearm to stop me from killing him but I don’t relent. He tried to kill my men, and he’s going to…
“Stop!” Makayla shouts.
I snap out of my memory, realizing I’m choking the bleeding soldier. His face is purple and his eyes are staining with red veins. I let go and he gasps, coughing hard.
“What the fuck are you doing?” asks Makayla. “You almost killed him!”
I ignore her, blood still thundering in my ears. I kneel down, clutching the front of his shirt. “What are you playing at?” I ask.
The fear in his face tells me he’s not about to hold anything back. “Her,” he says, looking past me. “The boss wants her dead. There’s a big,” he stops, coughing hard until blood splatters the pavement beside him. “A big payout for whoever gets her.”
I turn slowly to look at Makayla, whose face has gone pale. “Why me?” she asks.
“I just know they want you dead. That’s all. I swear to fucking God. Just please let me go, man.”
I let his shirt go and he flops back to the ground, rolling to his side and whimpering.
“Come on. Let’s get out of here,” I say.
Makayla takes a step back when I reach for her.
I sigh in frustration. “We need to move.”
“I’ll find my own way,” she says.
“Like hell you will. You just heard him. They want you dead. You’re not getting out of my fucking sight.”
Emotion clouds her features as she shakes her head. It’s then that it hits me. She’s scared of me. She’s fucking afraid. Of me. The realization sinks into my gut like a cold weight, a weight I’ll have to bear if I want to protect her.
I grab her arm and pull her back toward the road. I hate the way she flinches at my touch, but I don’t let up as I lead her back toward my place.
I don’t care if I have to take her hostage to protect her, I’ll do what it takes, whether she thinks I’m a monster or not.
57
Makayla
He lets me into his apartment and shows me a room I can use. It’s furnished in whites, grays, and steel blue. He doesn’t say a word as he pushes me inside and shuts the door. I breathe out heavily when he’s gone, sitting on the edge of the bed and holding up my hand, watching as it shakes.
What the hell am I doing?
Watching the way he treated the guy in the alley and how close he came to killing him… it was like a slap in the face. He’s not just some innocent, wounded puppy I can scratch behind the ears and fix. He’s a man who has killed and will probably kill again if what I just saw is any indication. He’s dangerous. I have no doubt he’s capable of protecting me, but who’s going to protect me from him?
I wander to the bathroom attached to my room, leaning over the sink and splashing water in my face. I look up in the vanity mirror and rub my eyes. I look like a mess. A little over twenty-four hours ago I was cornered in the stairwell by a stalker in a mask. Less than twelve hours ago Jesse sauntered back into my life and shook it to the ground. Thirty minutes ago I saw real, life-threatening violence for the first time in my life and barely stopped Jesse from killing someone. Now?
Now I’m still in his apartment, playing along with this game for reasons I don’t even understand. I could leave. I could just walk out the door and hire another bodyguard. He would let me leave if I really wanted to, wouldn’t he? The doubt in my mind makes my stomach queasy. I should leave. I know I should. But I don’t want to.
I keep thinking back to the journal in hi
s room. I’ve waited so long to see him again and to find out what made him leave me. Maybe I’m an idiot for thinking so, but I still can’t believe he was faking the way he felt about me all that time. It never felt right. I always had the lingering sense that Jesse didn’t tell me everything. Now the thought of walking away when he’s so close scares me more than the very real danger of staying near him. And as much as I hate to admit it, my decision would be a whole hell of a lot easier if he wasn’t so goddamn gorgeous. Just thinking about the way his green eyes seem to pierce right through me and light a fire in my chest has me squeezing my thighs together to suppress the need that arises for him. The hunger.
I hear the door open to my room. I step out of the bathroom and see Jesse looming in the doorway, holding the journal in his hand. He looks at it and then tosses it on my bed. “You already started reading it. Might as well finish.” WIthout another word he turns and closes the door, leaving me in stunned silence.
I move slowly to the journal and pick it up. It practically burns in my fingertips. The fact that he wants me to read it only furthers my curiosity. Does he think the contents will change my mind about him somehow? I flip it open, finding where I left off.
November 24th, 2013
For the record, I still think this journal is a waste of time. But if my CO keeps telling me I have to cooperate with the therapist, I’ll keep cooperating. We’re stationed near Turkey right now, about fifteen clicks south, just below the Syrian border. We’re supposed to kill some terrorist mastermind named Asaad Yousif. To be honest, I’ve never heard of the fucker, but if they say he had anything to do with the September 11th attacks, then I have no problem ending his sorry life.
Dr. Croft says I need to talk about my feelings too. Feelings though? All I really feel is numb. I guess I had to close it all out. If I think too hard about it… there’s too much in my past I want to forget. I want to forget what happened to my dad and I want to forget the way I treated her. I wish I could just wipe it all away, then I could deal with what I’ve become. But I guess it doesn’t work that way, so I’ll just keep hurting. But if I have to suffer for my country and for the memory of my father, then I’ll fucking suffer, no problem.
I frown at the pages, surprised when I realize my eyes are watering. He was still thinking about me? Or was “her” some other girl? Was she just some other victim in the long line of broken hearts littering Jesse’s past? I flip to the next page.
December 25th, 2013
It’s fucking Christmas. The guys are in the mess hall right now getting drunk on improvised eggnog that’s probably going to make them puke later. I should be there with them, but… fuck. It’s harder around the holidays. I think of what I left behind. I guess the hardest part is I know it’s too late to fix what I’ve broken. Even if Makayla forgave me for what I did, I can’t go back to her anymore. Not like this. Not after what I’ve done. How could I touch her with the same hands that have squeezed the life out of men? The fucking hands have caused so much pain I don’t even know if they’re capable of anything else anymore.
Ha… listen to me, like fucking Faulkner or something over here. I’ll give myself a pass for being a little sappy on Christmas, I guess. I just keep wondering if I did the right thing. I knew she would wait for me, however long it took. I knew she would because she was that kind of girl, perfect, sweet, and way better than I ever deserved. So what did I do? I lied and told her I didn’t care about her.
Shit. I’ve had to pull pieces of skull from my fatigues and brush brain matter off my face and none of that was as hard as what I did to her. I still remember how it felt when I walked out of the restaurant that afternoon. It was like someone reached in my chest and just fucking squeezed my heart until it burst. After that, everything has been… less. You know? Like some of the color drained out of the world. All the killing, the pain, the suffering, it just seems muted compared to what I did to her.
The truth is I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving her a widow. When my father was killed, I knew I had to come here. I had to do something about it, to fight for him. And I knew I couldn’t honor his memory if Makayla was still waiting for me back home. I’d find some excuse to come back, or I’d leave before the job was done. Worse, I might pay the ultimate price over here. Whatever pain I had to put her through was a small price compared to what she’d go through if I died.
So I had to make her hurt. I had to hurt her so much that she wouldn’t care if I died. I had to make it burn so bad she would curse my name and happily move on. I guess I just thought the wound would’ve healed over for me by now, but if anything, it gets more raw every day, more fucking painful. I know she’s still out there, and she thinks I betrayed her.
Fuck it all to hell. I really do know how to make a mess out of things.
The guys are breaking shit now. I need to get out there.
Merry fucking Christmas, Dr. Croft.
A hot tear falls on the journal and I hastily wipe my eyes, sniffing and closing the book. I know there’s more, but I don’t know if I can stand to read more right now. Jesse lied. He still cared about me. It was all because he wanted to protect me. I don’t know how to feel. I’m surprised to find I don’t immediately forgive him. If he had just been open and told me how he was feeling, I would’ve understood. I would’ve still waited for him, and I wouldn’t have felt so broken all these years.
It wasn’t his fucking choice. He isn’t the one who gets to decide if I should be sad over his death. We were in a relationship for better or worse, and it was my decision to make.
He thought he was protecting me, but he did more damage than he could ever know. All the trust issues I’ve had because of his lie… all the times I’ve pushed myself to do more because I wanted to somehow prove he made a mistake, like he was watching from somewhere and would see me on the TV screen and regret what he did. I laugh humorlessly, realizing for the first time how much of that is true. Sure, I love being on the screen and the challenge of acting, but how much of it was really just to spite him? Did I just want him to see what a mistake he had made?
I’m storming from the bedroom before I know it. I find him sitting on the couch, holding a hand in front of himself and watching as it shakes. The sight makes me pause, just for a moment. I realize I’m holding the journal. I lift it, scowling as I shake it at him. “All this time?” I ask, hating how thick with emotion my voice is.
He looks up. “I’m not going to make excuses for myself. You know the truth now.”
I slam the journal on the ground. “You ruined me. You threw my heart on the ground and stomped all over it. You call that protection?”
“Yes. Especially after I saw how you reacted when you watched me in the alley. You were scared. Well, that’s the real fucking me, Kay.”
Hearing him use the pet name makes my heartbeat race a little, adding a confusing surge of warmth to the anger I feel. “No. That wasn’t you. I know you.”
“You knew me,” he corrects. “War changed me. Everyone wants to look at me like some fucking hero since I came back. You know what I see when I look in the mirror? A killer.”
I want to reach out and touch him. He’s so strong and powerful, but I can see how much he hurts, how much he needs some compassion. I wonder if he gets anything but lust from women and I suddenly feel sorry for him. I’m afraid of him. I still feel that, and I’m still not ready to forgive him for what he did, but I don’t want to see him hurt. He’s suffered enough for me and for everyone else he went over there to protect.
I move closer to him on the couch, reaching for his knee, but he stands before I can touch him.
“Don’t,” he says. “I don’t want this to get complicated.”
I can’t help laughing a little. “Well you’ve done a perfect job of preventing that.”
He stalks off toward his bedroom, but I don’t give up. I follow after him. He turns to face me. “What are you doing?” he asks.
“Let me in. Let someone in.”
H
e dismisses me with a wave of his hand. “Don’t feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for the people who have had the misfortune of crossing my path. Yourself included.”
“Stop with the tough guy bullshit,” I snap. “You showed me the journal. You wanted me to see how you felt even if you couldn’t talk about it. So why don’t you just let me help?”
He sits on the bed, forearms resting on his knees. “That’s not why I showed you the journal.”
I sit beside him, painfully aware that I’m sitting next to him on his bed. My heart flutters a little as vivid images of him pinning me to the soft mattress with his powerful arms flash in my mind. “Then why did you show me?” I ask, voice practically a whisper.
“Women think they want a guy like me. They think the danger is exciting. How many of them would still be sniffing around if they watched me jam a fucking knife in a young kid’s heart? There’s a big difference between fantasy and reality, and back there, you saw it. I figured you would try to run off on me soon. I just thought you deserved to know the truth before you left.”
I can practically feel the unspoken question hanging between us. It thrums in the air like something electric. Something alive. You’ve seen the real me. What will you do now?
Part of me is screaming to kiss him, to pull him into me and kiss him with everything I have, to let him take me. Another part is begging me to run. He’s dangerous and he’s damaged. And he broke my heart into a million pieces. I should just walk away, but I can’t. I put my hand on his thigh in an attempt to show my compassion and immediately regret the decision. His thigh is thick and hard, tempting me to squeeze and move my hand along his lean leg.
I nearly pull my hand away, but then I see the bulge of his cock against his pants growing. Jesus. I had forgotten how big it was. Hell, maybe it has gotten bigger. I bite my lip.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
I move my hand up his thigh, frowning as I do. It’s almost as if my hand is moving of its own volition. “Helping you to relax.”
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