At first, it was creepy, but then Dove came to appreciate how concise Flower was. At times it led to some miscommunications, like when Flower told Dove she was a “cutter.” Dove had worried and twisted her hands, Googling any information she could find on the topic of self-mutilation, until she found out that Flower actually worked at a deli. She was a “cutter” of bologna, not her own person.
Dove hated to admit that the 90% off sale at Save-Mart was a highlight of her year. Whether it was the early morning rush to the back of the store or the endless possibilities of things to buy for next to nothing, she didn’t know. But she loved it.
Shannon was hard-core into buying everything she could. Flower gravitated to the broken Christmas decorations that the store would probably give to her for free. Dove had once watched her break an intact animated snowman when she got it home.
When Dove asked why the decorations had to be broken, Flower responded only with the words “mad orgasm.” It didn’t explain anything, but it explained everything at the same time.
Dove was the wheelwoman for the cart, which was harder than it sounded. Their nemeses had always been the “eBay ladies,” who shopped with not one iota of common courtesy. They would make a train out of three carts and try to block the entire seasonal aisle while they scooped up gluttonous amounts of resalable items.
Dove was in charge of horning in with her big purple cart while Shannon slipped through the cracks in their cart train. Shannon would toss things to Dove over the eBay ladies’ heads. If Dove dropped the flung item, Flower would then gather up the pieces like Gollum with the ring.
Today, as they all loaded into Shannon’s car, “Tik Tok” was blaring like it was Friday night six years ago and Dove was surprised to see Duke hop into the back of the car next to Flower.
Dove turned and gave him a “what the fuck are you doing—at least you’re wearing pants, fudge dick” look.
He held up one finger like he had something important to say. After a minute he leaned over and passed the wettest, most ridiculous multi-tonal fart in the world.
“That’s what I say to you.” Duke smiled so his dimples came out to play under his beard.
Flower wasted two of her precious ten words on him. “Cock communist.”
It was freezing, and Shannon pumped the heat all the way up along with the radio’s volume. By the time Shannon was done playing the living shit out of a song, Dove would rather rip her ears off and feed them to a dog than hear the tune again.
Pulling into the Save-Mart parking lot at 7:50 a.m. was insane, as usual. It was almost empty, save the van the asshole eBay ladies drove. Dove and her band of idiots waltzed up to the doors where they stretched and talked smack to one another. The eBay ladies were anxiously smoking their cigarettes.
Duke did a deep leg lunge and let his morning sausage speak its mind out his ass again. He assessed the competition. After watching them like a TV show, he observed out loud for the girls, “See that one right there?” He pointed at her with his middle finger as though she was a dying puppy in a pet shop.
“What’s fucking amazing about her is she just smoked a whole cigarette with one suck. God damn.”
The eBay lady glared at him. The poor teenager tasked with opening the front doors had to know it was 90% off day by the ridiculously wild looks of his soon-to-be customers.
As the first door was unlocked, all six shoppers piled through the small entrance, not waiting for the others to be opened. Shannon began pointing at carts and hopping in the direction of the sale. The eBay ladies were merciless, joyless shoppers, but Shannon and Dove giggled with the thrill of the chase.
They beat the eBay ladies to the first aisle and scored some light-up Santas and a fake tree.
The ladies arrived and sneered in the girls’ direction. Flower was busy crawling along the floor, looking on the bottom shelf for her shattered treasures.
Duke was nowhere to be seen or smelt. As they shopped, their cart became a teetering mass of crazy, tinsel and tree skirts all draping over the side.
Shannon was flushed with her success; she loved decorating the apartment building for the season and would divide the booty into cheap gift bags for the other residents. Later tonight, she and Dove would drop the gifts at the door of everyone who shared their premises. They had also scored some great things for the single mom in apartment 5B to give as presents to her little one next year.
Flower hung back, waiting for the eBay vultures to break more items with their careless shopping.
Shannon reached inside her bra and retrieved her printout from a coupon site. The clandestine shopping was next. Shannon and Dove were pros at finding the “hidden deals.” Save-Mart often had less obvious items that would ring up as 90% off on the big day, as well. The coupon site revealed all the tricks, and Shannon seemed to use the information as her secret weapon. She was ecstatic when she found piles of holiday pajamas. Together the girls decided to give the lot of them to the local women’s shelter. At only $1.49 a set it felt like stealing them.
When the girls passed the As Seen On TV aisle, they spotted Duke. He was engaging in the most bizarre behavior—shaking a weight that looked a whole lot like a giant, snow-white penis. The girls stopped and wrinkled their noses in disgust.
Dove finally confronted him. “Isn’t that, like, illegal to do in public?”
Duke’s voice was shaking with his movements. “No, you sick b-b-bitches. It b-b-builds up my triceps. It’s the W-w-wiggle Weight.”
Shannon threw stuffed Christmas animals at him. “Knock it off. It looks like you’re beating off a polar bear.”
He rolled his eyes and continued with his extremely suggestive maneuvers.
Dove picked up the animals and put them under the cart next to the Christmas lights. “Dude, what’re you trying to accomplish there?”
He stopped, finally, and smiled. “Honestly? With this thing I think I could get my jerk-off muscles so well-developed that I could rub out a spooge with one pump! If that’s not worth $19.95, I don’t know what is.”
Jesus Christmas.
The girls quickly backed out of the aisle, leaving Duke with his perpetual shaker. Both shivered with disgust at the same moment but powered through the revulsion.
Shannon had one more section to scour. It was right by the pharmacy, which Dove was relieved to see was still closed, judging by the huge metal gate covering its window.
“Bitch, why are we in the family planning section?” Dove scanned for the little holly decorations that denoted possible 90% off products on items out of habit.
“There’s one last hidden deal.” Shannon dug through the racks of condoms.
“There are Christmas dick bags?” Dove’s shopping high was wearing off, and she was beginning to feel the consequences of her lack of sleep. “That seems like taking the holiday season too far.”
Shannon was all business. “No. Vibrating cock rings. There’re called ‘Jingle Bells Your Balls.’ ”
Dove stretched her arms above her head and found herself looking at the pharmacy.
He has a girlfriend, you festering sore. So what if he talks to your sexy icon on Twitter?
Shannon tossed an armful of the green and red packages in the cart. “Those will ring up nineteen cents each. Can’t go wrong.”
Dove picked one up. “Yes, with these you totally can go wrong. What the hell are we going to do with cock rings? You don’t have a penis. I don’t have a penis. We don’t even have boyfriends.”
Taking a cock ring package in her hand, Shannon seemed perplexed. “We have to be able to do something with them. Maybe turn them on, drop them in our coffee, and let them do the stirring?”
Dove opened a package and stretched out the latex ring. “I don’t think this material should be boiled, that’s for sure.” She pressed the On button. Both girls raised their eyebrows.
Shannon voiced what they were both thinking. “That’s pretty powerful.”
Dove shrugged and went to click the Off b
utton, but Shannon stole it from her hands. She had a wild look in her eyes—she loved to make her Save-Mart deals useful, and she was insane.
“Maybe we can use them on our lady bits? Here, look how stretchy it is. Maybe we can fit it on our legs!” Shannon knelt like she was Prince Charming and stretched open the hole of the cock ring.
Dove was mortified. “Uh, no. No! I’m not putting a cock ring on in Save-Mart. Back away, you wacko.”
Even though she was small, Shannon was strong, and she held tight to Dove’s leg. “Be quiet. I just want to see if it fits.” She rolled the cock ring up Dove’s unwilling leg like a pair of pantyhose. It was painfully thin by the time Shannon determinedly yanked it up to Dove’s thigh.
Duke arrived to watch the show with his impeccable timing. He had the Wiggle Weight under one arm and was snacking on a freshly peeled Holiday Meat stick.
“You ladies are determined to make me pop a nut today.”
Shannon glanced over her shoulder to give Duke a dirty look. “Is that meat on sale?”
Duke smiled as he snapped off another bite. “Hell yes. I think I got to it just before it turned.”
Trying to take advantage of attacker-Shannon’s distraction, Dove yanked her leg backward.
The cock ring snapped off her leg like the rubber band it was, shot out of Shannon’s evil little hands, and hit someone behind Dove. Before she turned around, she knew it was him. The moaning had a silky quality to it.
Duke laughed around a piece of meat in his mouth. “You fired a cock ring into that dude’s balls!”
Dove peeked over her shoulder, and sure enough, Johnson was grabbing a shelf and trying to avoid touching himself. His cheeks were filled with air and screams. She looked back in the cart at the pile of “Jingle Bells Your Balls” rings.
I wonder if I could fit one over the top of my big, stupid head and choke myself to death.
Duke’s laughing and pointing reached a fevered pitch until all noise from him stopped. His eyes bugged out, and he dropped his meat stick. His other hand grabbed the Wiggle Weight and held it tightly.
Finally, Dove put it all together. “He’s choking! The dumb fuck is choking!”
Remembering her scene in the park with Johnson, she ran to him quickly. He was still buckled at the middle.
“Johnson! Duke’s choking. You need to be the Heimlicher. Be the Heimlicher!” She grabbed his shoulders and dragged him to stand behind Duke.
Despite Johnson’s pained face, he was able to perform the maneuver with success. The hunk of meat flew out of Duke’s mouth like a rocket and slapped Shannon right between the eyes. It stuck there for a second before she reacted and swatted her face free of the regurgitated chunk.
Duke took a few deep breaths. Johnson was still crossing and uncrossing his legs from the pain inflicted by the launched cock ring. The four stood in the middle of their awkward. Flower slunk in, holding a variety of broken Santas in her clutches.
Then Duke began laughing again. “You called him the Heimlicher! I thought he was going to lick my Heim! And I didn’t even know where that was on my body. I was ready to beat him with my Wiggle Weight.”
Johnson shook his head and was finally able to stand up. He didn’t look amused.
Dove asked, “Are you okay? Thanks for saving the nimrod.”
He nodded and seemed to only be able to communicate with medical warnings. “That, uh, pleasure device, is clinically designed for men. You ladies might want to find a massager specially designed for VAGINAL use.”
He made the pretend vagina again with the V of his hands. While hiding her face in the garland, Shannon’s shoulders began shaking. She couldn’t handle the “mature” references.
Dove decided to give her friends a friendly suggestion. “Why don’t you guys go pay for that stuff and then let Flower run you both over with the car?”
Her giggling idiot brigade made their way up to the front of the store. Dove wished she had worn something more suitable for human consumption. She looked like a cracked-out soccer mom.
“I’m sorry about the, um, painful incident. I hope your… situation is hanging well?” Dove made claws out of her hands. Her words made being in her body so much more difficult.
“I’ll be fine. Your friend might need to go to the doctor, just to be on the safe side. So, you’re a big fan of old Christmas?” Johnson had stopped crossing and uncrossing his legs. Dove glanced around. The paraphernalia for sex, sex problems, and sex answers surrounded them.
“We hand it out to people in our building to use next season.” She shrugged. “Some of the people don’t make a lot of money, so we try to help.”
I’m sure I look crazy, violent, and hyper-sexual. Why not be a Christmas addict/hoarder as well?
“That’s sweet. Nice of you.” Johnson put his hands in his pockets. Dove couldn’t help but wonder if he was massaging a sore bag of testicles. Dove looked around, and Johnson shuffled his feet. It seemed neither knew what to say, but she hoped neither wanted to part ways either.
Johnson’s default was always medical. “How’s your infection?”
Die. Die. Kill me.
“It’s… cleared up… nicely.” Dove twisted her hand into her hair.
“Well, I have to get in there and open up. I like to get an early start.” He stepped backward.
Dove followed him until she could escape the sin aisle.
She waved one hand and forced a laugh. “Okay then, don’t forget to ice your nuts. If they hurt.”
Shut up, Dove!
Johnson flaunted his unwieldy inappropriateness by shouting, “Okay, then! You, too!”
He blushed a little and ran his hand through his hair.
He’s nervous around me!
Dove hopped into the next aisle, out of sight so she could do a little dance. She was happy despite her friends’ laughing and taunting on the way home. It wasn’t until the six o’clock news later that evening that Dove’s world impaled itself on her horror.
She watched, slack-jawed, as the newscaster set up the clip.
“…and in other news, a local Save-Mart pharmacist was fired today after the store’s surveillance camera became an internet sensation on the website YouTube. As you can see from this clip…”
The screen filled with the picture of her dumb friends doing stupid things in Save-Mart this morning. By the time Duke got to choking on his stupid meat, Dove bit her nails. Johnson giving Duke the lifesaving maneuver while Duke held the Wiggle Weight looked exactly like they were acting out gay porn. Graphically.
“Oh no. NO!” Dove shouted at her TV.
The newscaster continued, oblivious to Dove’s horror. “The behavior was extremely unprofessional. Save-Mart has issued an apology to anyone who has been offended by the footage. They’re actively trying to remove it from the Internet, but at this point it has gone viral.
From one virus to another, Sam Frung brings us news on the latest outbreak of yeast infections.”
With the remote, Dove turned off the glowing screen. She had single-handedly ruined Johnson’s life.
Dove banged on Duke’s door.
I have to fix this! Johnson can’t lose his job over a fake butt fuck.
There was no answer, just a loud pop. “Duke, you little girl, now that I need you, your door’s finally closed?” Dove put her head against the wood.
“Who is it?” Duke’s voice was three octaves deeper than it should’ve been.
Dove made a face at the door and held up her hands in disbelief. “It’s me, you nimrod! Open up.” Dove tried the knob—it was unlocked.
Normally, she’d be grateful for the closed door and the peace of mind she got from not knowing what Duke was up to. But tonight she needed his crazy ass, so she opened his door. His back was to her, and of course, he was wearing only a pair of underwear. He was standing in front of a snack tray and grunting. The same loud pop she had heard before sounded again. Duke flinched.
“What the hell are you doing?” Dove looked fr
om his back to his porno TV.
Duke had paused the news on the YouTube clip, the chunk of meat hung—defying gravity, thanks to the DVR—just waiting to slap Shannon in the nozzle.
He held what looked like a gun over his head. “I got this free, do-it-yourself piercing kit on Craigslist. Only used once!”
Duke brought it back down to the tray. His massive body was blocking her view as another thwack rocked his apartment.
“I’m trying to pop a hole in my dick. Be quiet.” Duke’s arms tensed and the noise sounded again.
“Sweet shuffling Mary! You freak, knock that off.” Dove wanted to make him stop, but she had no desire to see his junk laid out on its portable—and certainly unsterile—surgical table. “And I’m never eating nachos off that tray again.”
Duke whirled around so quickly Dove barely had time to close her eyes. In the dark she heard a familiar snap. She opened one eye and looked through her lashes. He was snacking on a sausage.
“Lighten up. I’m practicing.” Duke snapped again on his treat.
Dove opened both eyes to see Duke eating a tube of meat with its skin pierced numerous times. The sausage was sporting a lot of genital jewelry.
He held it up and motioned to it like a saleswomen. “The jewelry came with it—again, all only used once.”
He took another bite, barely missing the Prince Albert he had inserted into the tip of the sausage.
“You really are a disgusting version of a person.” Dove tried to wave away the image he was searing into her brain.
“Ah, I can’t do it. Every time I get the gun near my rod, my balls climb into my taint like scared mice. It’s fucking sad. So what can I do you for, Christmas Cock Ring Fling Champion? Did you see that I’m famous?”
He motioned with the sausage toward the screen of his X-rated TV.
“That’s why I’m here. We have to get Johnson his job back. It’s a clear misunderstanding. Obviously they can’t tell what a Neanderthal you are from the surveillance camera. We can fix that in person; I’m sure of it.” Dove sighed and twisted her hands. In general, she hated speaking to people she didn’t know. And hated talking to people about cock rings, ever, as a rule of thumb.
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