by Fanny Burney
CHAPTER XXIX
Ellis, for some minutes, hardly knew whether to be most provoked ordiverted by this singular visit. But all that approached to amusementwas short lived. The most distant apprehension that her probity could bearraigned, was shocking; and she determined to dedicate the evening tocalculating all that she had either to pay or to receive; and sooner toleave herself destitute of every means of support, but such as shouldarise from day to day, than hazard incurring any suspicion injurious toher integrity.
These estimates, which were easily drawn up, afforded her, at once, aview of her ability to satisfy her creditors, and of the helplesspoverty in which she must then remain herself: her courage,nevertheless, rose higher, from the conviction that her honour would becleared.
She was thus employed, when, late in the evening, Miss Arbe, fulldressed, and holding her watch in her hand, ran up stairs. 'I have but aquarter of an hour,' she cried, 'to stay, so don't let us lose a moment.I am just come from dining at Lady Kendover's, and I am going to anassembly at the Sycamore's. But I thought I would just steal a fewminutes for our dear little lyre. You can give me your answer, you know,as I am going down stairs. Come, quick, my dear Miss Ellis!--'Tis such adelight to try our music together!'
'My answer, Madam?' cried Ellis, surprised: 'I had hoped for yours! and,as you will, probably, meet all the ladies to whom you have had thegoodness to mention me, at Miss Sycamore's, I entreat--'
'I am so dreadfully hurried,' cried she, unrolling her music, 'that Ican't say a word of all that now. But we'll arrange it, and you can tellme how you like our plan, you know, as I am putting up my music, andgoing; but we can't possibly play the harp while I am drawing on mygloves, and scampering down stairs.'
This logic, which she felt to be irrefutable, she uttered with the mostperfect self-complacency, while spreading her music, and placing herselfat the harp; but once there, she would neither say nor hear anotherword; and it was equally in vain that Ellis desired an explanation ofthe plan to which she alluded, or an answer to the petition which shehad written herself. Miss Arbe could listen to no sounds but thoseproduced by her own fingers; and could balance no interests, but thoseupon which she was speculating, of the advantages which she shouldherself reap from these continual, though unacknowledged lessons. AndEllis found all her painful difficulties, how to extricate herself fromthe distresses of penury, the horrour of creditors, and the fears ofwant, treated but as minor considerations, when put in competition withthe importance of Miss Arbe's most trivial, and even stolen improvement.
She saw, however, no redress; displeasure was unnoticed, distaste wasunheeded; and she had no choice but to put aside every feeling, and giveher usual instructions; or to turn a professed protectress into adangerous and resentful enemy.
She sat down, therefore, to her business.
The quarter of an hour was scarcely passed, before Miss Arbe started upto be gone; and, giving her music to Ellis to fold, while she drew onher gloves, cried, 'Well, you can tell me, now, what I must say to LadyKendover. I hope you like my scheme?'
Ellis protested herself utterly ignorant what scheme she meant.
'Bless me,' she cried, 'did not my cousin tell you what I've been doingfor you? I've quite slaved in your service, I can assure you. I nevermade such exertions in my life. Every body had agreed to give you up.It's really shocking to see how people are governed by their prejudices!But I brought them all round; for, after Lady Aurora's letter, they noneof them could tell what to resolve upon, till I gave them my advice.That, indeed, is no unusual thing to happen to me. So few people knowwhat they had best do!'
This self-eulogium having elated her spirits, her haste to departsufficiently slackened, to give her time to make a farther demand,whether her cousin had executed her commission.
Ellis knew not even that he had had any to execute.
'Well,' she cried, 'that old soul grows more provoking every day! I haveresolved a thousand times never to trust him again; only he is always athand, and that's so convenient, one does not know how to resist makinguse of him. But he really torments me more than any thing existing. Ifhe had literally no sense, one should not be so angry; but, when it'spossible to make him listen, he understands what one says well enough:and sometimes, which you will scarcely believe, he'll suddenly uttersomething so keen and so neat, that you'd suppose him, all at once,metamorphosed into a wit. But the fact is, he is so tiresomely absent,that he never knows what he does, nor hears what one says. At breakfast,he asks whether there is nothing more coming for dinner; at dinner, hebids his servant get ready his night-cap and slippers, because he shalleat no supper; if any body applies to him for a pinch of snuff, hebrings them an arm chair; if they ask him how he does, he fetches hishat and cane, buttons his great coat up to his chin, and says he isready to attend them; if they enquire what it is o'clock, he thanks themfor their kindness, and runs over a list of all his aches and pains; andthe moment any body enters the room, the first word he commonly says tothem is Good-bye!'
Ellis earnestly begged to know what was meant by the letter of LadyAurora.
Miss Arbe again declared herself too much hurried to stay; and spentmore time in censuring Mr Giles, for not having spared her such a lossof it, than would have been required for even a minute recital of thebusiness which he had forgotten. Ellis, however, at length learnt, thatMiss Arbe had had the address to hit upon a plan which conciliated allinterests, and to which she had prevailed upon Lady Kendover to consent.'Her la'ship's name,' she continued, 'with my extensive influence, willbe quite enough to obtain that of every body else worth having atBrighthelmstone. And she was vastly kind, indeed; for though she did it,she said, with the extremest repugnance, which, to be sure, is naturalenough, not being able to imagine who or what she serves; yet, inconsideration of your being patronized by me, she would not refuse togive you her countenance once more. Nothing in the world could bekinder. You must go immediately to thank her.'
'Unhappily, Madam,' answered Ellis, colouring, 'I have too manyobligations of my own unrepaid, to have the presumption to suppose I canassist in the acknowledgments of others: and this plan, whatever it maybe, has so evidently received the sanction of Lady Kendover solely tooblige Miss Arbe, that it would be folly, if not impertinence, on mypart, to claim the honour of offering her ladyship my thanks.'
Miss Arbe, whose watch was always in her hand, when her harp was not,had no time to mark this discrimination; she went on, therefore,rapidly, with her communication. 'Lady Kendover,' she said, 'hadasserted, that if Miss Ellis had been celebrated in any public line oflife, there would be less difficulty about employing her; but as she hadonly been seen or noticed in private families, it was necessary to bemuch more particular as to her connexions and conduct; because, in thatcase, she must, of course, be received upon a more friendly footing; andwith a consideration and confidence by no means necessary for a publicartist. If, therefore, all were not clear and satisfactory--'
Ellis, with mingled spirit and dignity, here interrupted her: 'Spare me,Madam, this preamble, for both our sakes! for though the pain it causesis only mine, the useless trouble,--pardon me!--will be yours. I do notdesire--I could not even consent to enter any house, where to receive mewould be deemed a disgrace.'
'O, but you have not heard my plan! You don't know how well it has allbeen settled. The harp-professor now here, a proud, conceited oldcoxcomb, full of the most abominable airs, but a divine performer, wantsto obtrude his daughter upon us, in your place; though she has got socracked a voice, that she gives one the head-ache by her squeaks. Well,to make it his interest not to be your enemy, I have prevailed with LadyKendover to desire him to take you in for one of his band, either toplay or sing, at the great concert-room.'
Ellis, amazed, exclaimed, 'Can you mean, Madam,--can Lady Kendovermean--to propose my performing in public?'
'Precisely that. 'Tis the only way in the world to settle the business,and conquer all parties.'
'If so, Madam, they can never be conquered! for
never, most certainlynever, can I perform in public!'
'And why not? You'll do vastly well, I dare say. Why should you be sotimid? 'Tis the best way to gain you admission into great houses; and ifyour performance is applauded, you'll have as many scholars as you like;and you may be as impertinent as you will. Your humility, now, won'tmake you half so many friends, as a set of airs and graces, then, willmake you partizans.'
'I am much obliged to you for a recommendation so powerful, Madam,'answered Ellis, dryly; 'but I must entreat you to pardon my inability toavail myself of it; and my frank declaration, that my objections to thisplan are unsuperable.'
Miss Arbe only treated this as an ignorant diffidence, scarcely wortheven derision, till Ellis solemnly and positively repeated, that herresolution not to appear in public would be unalterable: she thenbecame seriously offended, and, slightly wishing her good night, randown stairs; without making any other answer to her enquiry, concerningthe request in her note, than that she knew not what it meant, and couldnot stay another moment.
Ellis, now, was deeply disturbed. Her first impulse was to write to LadyAurora, and implore her protection; but this wish was soon subdued by aninvincible repugnance, to drawing so young a person into any clandestinecorrespondence.
Yet there was no one else to whom she could apply. Alas! she cried, howwretched a situation!--And yet,--compared with what it might havebeen!--Ah! let me dwell upon that contrast!--What, then, can make memiserable?
With revived vigour from this reflection, she resolved to assume courageto send in all her accounts, without waiting any longer for theprecarious assistance of Miss Arbe. But what was to follow? When alldifficulty should be over with respect to others, how was she to existherself?
Music, though by no means her only accomplishment, was the only onewhich she dared flatter herself to possess with sufficient knowledge,for the arduous attempt of teaching what she had learnt. Even in this,she had been frequently embarrassed; all she knew upon the subject hadbeen acquired as a _diletante_, not studied as an artist; and though shewas an elegant and truly superiour performer, she was nearly asdeficient in the theoretical, as she was skilful in the practical partof the science of which she undertook to give lessons.
Wide is the difference between exhibiting that which we have attainedonly for that purpose, from the power of dispensing knowledge to others.Where only what is chosen is produced; only what is practised isperformed; where one favourite piece, however laboriously acquired,however exclusively finished, gains a character of excellence, that, forthe current day, and with the current throng, disputes the prize offame, even with the solid rights of professional candidates; the youngand nearly ignorant disciple, may seem upon a par with the experiencedand learned master. But to disseminate knowledge, by clearing that whichis obscure, and explaining that which is difficult; to make what is hardappear easy, by giving facility to the execution of what is abstruse tothe conception; to lighten the fatigue of practice, by the address ofmethod; to shorten what requires study, by anticipating its result; and,while demonstrating effects to expound their cause: by the rules of art,to hide the want of science; and to supply the dearth of genius, bydivulging the secrets of embellishments;--these were labours thatdemanded not alone brilliant talents, which she amply possessed, but afund of scientific knowledge, to which she formed no pretensions. Hermodesty, however, aided her good sense, in confining her attempts atgiving improvement within the limits of her ability; and rare indeedmust have been her ill fortune, had a pupil fallen to her lot,sufficiently advanced to have surpassed her powers of instruction.
But this art, the favourite of her mind, and in which she had taste andtalents to excel, must be now relinquished: and Drawing, in which shewas also, though not equally, an adept, presented the same obstacles ofrecommendation for obtaining scholars, as music. Her theatricalabilities, though of the first cast, were useless; since from whateverdemanded public representation, her mind revolted: and her original wishof procuring herself a safe and retired asylum, by becoming a governessto some young lady, was now more than ever remote from all chance ofbeing gratified.
How few, she cried, how circumscribed, are the attainments of women! andhow much fewer and more circumscribed still, are those which may, intheir consequences, be useful as well as ornamental, to the higher, oreducated class! those through which, in the reverses of fortune, aFEMALE may reap benefit without abasement! those which, while preservingher from pecuniary distress, will not aggravate the hardships or sorrowsof her changed condition, either by immediate humiliation, or by what,eventually, her connexions may consider as disgrace!
Thus situated, she could have recourse only to the dull, monotonous, andcheerless plan, from which Miss Arbe had turned her aside; that ofoffering her services to Miss Matson as a needle-woman.
Her first step, upon this resolution, was to send back the harp to themusic-shop. Since no further hope remained of recovering her scholars,she would not pay her court to Miss Arbe at the expence of Miss Bydel.She next dispatched her small accounts to Lady Kendover, Lady Arramede,Miss Sycamore, Miss Brinville, the Miss Crawleys, and Miss Tedman; but,notwithstanding her poverty, she desired to be allowed to haveinstructed Selina simply from motives of gratitude.
To give up her large apartment, was her next determination; and shedesired to speak with Miss Matson, to whom she made known herintention; soliciting, at the same time, some employment in needle-work.
This was a measure not more essential than disagreeable. 'Mercy, Ma'am!'Miss Matson cried, seating herself upon the sofa: 'I hope, at least, youwon't leave my first floor before you pay me for it? And as towork,--what is the premium you mean to propose to me?'
Ellis answered that she could propose none: she desired only to receiveand to return her work from day to day.
Looking at her, now, with an air extremely contemptuous, Miss Matsonreplied, that that was by no means her way; that all her young ladiescame to her with handsome premiums; and that she had already eight ornine upon her list, more than she was able to admit into her shop.
Ellis, affrighted at the prospect before her, earnestly enquired whetherMiss Matson would have the kindness to aid her in an applicationelsewhere, for some plain work.
'That, Ma'am, is one of the things the most difficult in the world toobtain. Such loads of young women are out of employ, that one's quiteteized for recommendations. Besides which, your being known to have runup so many debts in the town,--you'll excuse me, Ma'am,--makes it notabove half reputable to venture staking one's credit--after all thosedroll things that Mr Riley, you know, Ma'am, said to Miss Bydel.--'
Ellis could bear no more: she promised to hasten her payment; and beggedto be left alone.