by Fanny Burney
CHAPTER XXXIX
Nothing now appeared so urgent to Ellis, as flying the fatal sight ofHarleigh. To wander again alone, to seek strange succour, new faces, andunknown haunts; to expose her helplessness, plead her poverty, andconfess her mysterious, nameless situation; even to risk delay inreceiving the letter upon which hung all her ultimate expectations,seemed preferable to the danger of another interview, that might lead tothe most horrible of catastrophes;--if, already, the danger were notremoved by a termination the most tragic.
To escape privately from Brighthelmstone, and commit to accident, sinceshe had no motive for choice, the way that she should go, was, thereforeher determination. Her debts were all paid, save what their dischargehad made her incur with that very Harleigh from whom she must nowescape; though to the resources which he had placed in her hands, sheowed the liberation from her creditors, that gave her power to be gone;and must owe, also, the means for the very flight which she projectedfrom himself. Severely she felt the almost culpability of an action,that risked implications of encouragement to a persevering thoughrejected man. But the horrour of instigating self-murder conquered everyother; even the hard necessity of appearing to act wrong, at the verymoment when she was braving every evil, in the belief that she was doingright.
She ordered a post-chaise, in which she resolved to go on stage; andthen to wait at some decent house upon the road, for the first passingpublic vehicle; in which, whithersoever it might be destined, she wouldproceed.
At an early hour the chaise was ready; and she was finishing herpreparations for removal, when a tap at her chamber-door, to which,imagining it given by the maid, she answered, 'Come in,' presentedHarleigh to her affrighted view.
'Ah heaven!' she cried, turning pale with dismay, 'are you then fixed,Mr Harleigh, to rob me of peace for life?'
'Be not,' cried he, rapidly, 'alarmed! I will not cost you a moment'sdanger, and hardly a moment's uneasiness. A few words will remove everyfear; but I must speak them myself. Elinor is at this instant out of allbut wilful danger; wilful danger, however, being all that she had had toencounter, it must be guarded against as sedulously as if it wereinevitable. To this end, I must leave Brighthelmstone immediately--'
'No, Sir,' interrupted Ellis; 'it is I who must leave Brighthelmstone;your going would be the height of inhumanity.'
'Pardon me, but it is to clear this mistake that, once more, I forcemyself into your sight. I divined your design when I saw an emptypost-chaise drive up to your door; which else, at a time such as this, Ishould unobtrusively have passed.'
'Quick! quick!' cried Ellis, 'every moment affrights me!'
'I am gone. I cannot oppose, for I partake your fears. Elinor hasdemanded to see us together to-morrow morning.'
'Terrible!' cried Ellis, trembling; 'what may be her design? And what isthere not to dread! Indeed I dare not encounter her!'
'There can be, unhappily, but one opinion of her purpose,' he answered:'She is wretched, and from impatience of life, wishes to seek death.Nevertheless, the cause of her disgust to existence not being anyintolerable calamity, though the most probing, perhaps, ofdisappointments, life, with all its evils, still clings to her; and sheas little knows how to get rid of, as how to support it.'
'You cannot, Sir, mean to doubt her sincerity?'
'Far from it. Her mind is as noble as her humour and taste are flighty;yet, where she has some great end in view, she studies, in common withall those with whom the love of frame is the ruling passion, Effect,public Effect, rather than what she either thinks to be right, or feelsto be desirable.'
'Alas, poor Miss Joddrel! You are still, then, Sir, unmoved--' Shestopt, and blushed, for the examining eyes of Harleigh said, 'Do youwish to see me conquered?'
Pleased that she stopt, enchanted that she blushed, an expression ofpleasure illumined his countenance, which instantly drew into that ofEllis a cold severity, that chilled, or rather that punished his risingtransport. Ah! thought he, was it then but conscious modesty, notanxious doubt, that mantled in her cheek?
'Pity,' he returned, 'in a woman to a man, is grateful, is lenient, isconsoling. It seems an attribute of her sex, and the haughtiest of oursaccepts it from her without disdain or disgrace; but pity from aman--upon similar causes--must be confined to his own breast. Itsexpression always seems insolent. Who is the female that could wish,that could even bear to excite it? Not Elinor, certainly! with all herexcentricities, she would consider it as an outrage.'
'Give it her, then,' cried Ellis, with involuntary vivacity, 'the soonerto cure her!'
'Nay, who knows,' he smilingly returned, 'since extremes meet, thatabsconding may not produce the same effect? At all events, it willretard the execution of her terrible project; and to retard an act ofvoluntary violence, where the imagination is as ardent, the mind asrestless, and the will as despotic as those of Elinor, is commonly toavert it. Some new idea ordinarily succeeds, and the old one, in losingits first moment of effervescence, generally evaporates in disgust.'
'Do not, Sir, trust to this! do not be so cruel as to abandon her! Thinkof the desperation into which you will cast her; and if you scruple toavow your pity, act at least with humanity, in watching, soothing, andappeasing her, while you suffer me quietly to escape; that neither thesound, nor the thought, of my existing so near her, may produce freshirritation.'
'I see,--I feel,--' cried he, with emotion, 'how amiable for her,--yethow barbarous for me,--is your recommendation of a conduct, my honour,from regard to her reputation, in a union to which every word that youutter, and every idea to which you give expression, make me more andmore averse!--'
Ellis blushed and paused; but presently, with strengthened resolution,earnestly cried, 'If this, Sir, is the sum of what you have to say,leave me, I entreat, without further procrastination! Every moment thatyou persist in staying presents to me the image of Miss Joddrel,breaking from her physicians, and darting bloody and dying, into theroom to surprize you!'
'Pardon, pardon me, that I should have given birth to so dreadful anapprehension! I will relieve you this instant: and omit no possibleprecaution to avert every danger. But that least reflexion, to a minddelicate as yours, will exculpate me from blame in not remaining at herside,--after the scene of last night,--unless I'purposed to become herpermanent guardian. The tattling world would instantly unite--orcalumniate us. But you, who, if you retreat, will be doubted andsuspected, you, must at present, stay, and openly, clearly, andunsought, be seen. Elinor, who breathes but to spur her misery bydespair, that she may end it, reserves for me, and for my presence,--toastonish, to shock, or to vanquish me,--every horrour she can devise. Inmy absence, rest assured, no evil will be perpetrated. 'Tis for her,then, for her sake, that you must remain, and that I must depart.'
Ellis could not contest a statement which, thus explained, appeared tobe just; and, gratified by her concurrence, he no longer resisted herurgent injunctions that he would be gone. He tried, in quitting her, toseize and kiss her hand; but she drew back, with an air not to bedisputed; and a look of reproach, though not of displeasure. Hesubmitted, with a look, also, of reproach; though expressive, at thesame time, of reverence and admiration mixt with the deepest regret.
Mechanically, rather than intentionally, she went to the window, when hehad left her, whence she saw him cross the way, and then wistfully lookup. She felt the most painful blushes mount into her cheeks, uponobserving that he perceived her. She retreated like lightning; yet couldnot escape remarking the animated pleasure that beamed from hiscountenance at this surprise.
She sat down, deeply confused, and wept.
The postilion sent in the maid for orders.
She satisfied and discharged him; and then, endeavouring to dismiss allrumination upon the past, deliberated upon the course which she oughtimmediately to pursue.
Her musical plan once more became utterly hopeless; for what chance hadshe now of any private scholars? what probability of obtaining any newprotection, when, to the other mysterious disad
vantages under which shelaboured, would be added an accusation of perjury, denounced at thehorrible moment of self-destruction?
While suggesting innumerable new schemes, which, presented bydesperation, died in projection, she observed a small packet upon theground, directed to herself. The inside was sealed, but upon the covershe found these words:
'This packet was prepared to reach you by an unknown messenger; but I see that you are departing, and I must not risk its missing you. As a friend only, a disinterested, though a zealous one, I have promised to address you. Repel not, then, my efforts towards acquiescence, by withholding the confidence, and rejecting the little offices, which should form the basis of that friendship. 'Tis as your banker, only, that I presume to enclose these notes.
'A. H.'
* * * * *
Ellis concluded that, upon seeing the chaise at the door, he had enteredsome shop to write these lines.
The silence which she had guarded, relative to his former packet,from terrour of the conflicts to which such a subject might lead,had made him now, she imagined, suppose it not partially but completelyexpended. And can he think, she cried, that not alone I have hadrecourse,--unacknowledged, yet essential recourse,--to his generosity inmy distress, but that I am contented to continue his pensioner?
She blushed; but not in anger: she felt that it was from his view of hersituation, notions of her character, that he pressed her thus topecuniary obligation. She would not, however, even see the amount, orcontents, of what he had sealed up, which she now enclosed, and sealedup herself, with the remaining notes of the first packet.
The lines which he had written in the cover, she read a second time. If,indeed, she cried, he could become a disinterested friend!... She wasgoing to read them again, but checked by the suggested doubt,--theif,--she paused a moment, sighed, felt herself blush, and, with a quickmotion that seemed the effect of sudden impulse, precipitately destroyedthem; murmuring to herself, while brushing off with her hand a startingtear, that she would lose no time and spare no exertions, for replacingand returning the whole sum.
Yet she was forced, with whatever reluctance, to leave the developmentof her intentions to the chances of opportunity; for she knew not theaddress of Harleigh, and durst not risk the many dangers that mightattend any enquiry.
A short time afterwards, she received a letter from Selina, containing asummons from Elinor for the next morning.
Mr Naird, the surgeon, had induced Mrs Maple to consent to this measure,which alone deterred Elinor from tearing open her wound; and which hadextorted from her a promise, that she would remain quiet in theinterval. She had positively refused to admit a clergyman; and hadaffronted away a physician.
Ellis could not hesitate to comply with this demand, however terrifiedshe felt at the prospect of the storm which she might have to encounter.
The desperate state of her own affairs, called, nevertheless, forimmediate attention; and she decided to begin a new arrangement, byrelinquishing the far too expensive apartment which Miss Arbe had forcedher to occupy.
In descending to the shop, to give notice of her intention, she heardthe voice of Miss Matson, uttering some sharp reprimand; and presently,and precipitately, she was passed, upon the stairs, by a forlorn,ill-dressed, and weeping female; whose face was covered by herhandkerchief, but whose air was so conspicuously superiour to her garbof poverty, that it was evidently a habit of casual distress, not ofhabitual indigence. Ellis looked after her with quick-awakened interest;but she hastily mounted, palpably anxious to escape remark.
Miss Matson, softened in her manners since she had been paid, expressedthe most violent regret, at losing so genteel a lodger. Ellis knew wellhow to appreciate her interested and wavering civility; yet availedherself of it to beg a recommendation to some decent house, where shemight have a small and cheap chamber; and again, to solicit herassistance in procuring some needle-work.
A room, Miss Matson replied, with immediate abatement of complaisance,of so shabby a sort as that, might easily enough be found; but as toneedle-work, all that she had had to dispose of for some time past, hadbeen given to her new lodger up two pair of stairs, who had succeeded MrRiley; and who did it quicker and cheaper than any body; which, indeed,she had need do, for she was extremely troublesome, and always wantingher money.
'And for what else, Miss Matson,' said Ellis, dryly, 'can you imagineshe gives you her work?'
'Nay, I don't say any thing as to that,' answered Miss Matson, surprisedby the question: 'I only know it's sometimes very inconvenient.'
Ah! thought Ellis, must we be creditors, and poor creditors, ourselves,to teach us justice to debtors? And must those who endure the toil bedenied the reward, that those who reap its fruits may retain it?
Miss Matson accepted the warning, and Ellis resolved to seek a newlodging the next day.