by Erin R Flynn
“You are not wrong, but you speak on matters you should not,” Iolas said from behind me, all three of us jumping like we were caught doing something wrong. Mostly, it was his super pissed tone that even I shivered from. “Her father should be the one telling her all of this when we find him.”
“With all due respect to you and him, but she is struggling with this misconception of her mother,” Cluym argued. “My mate has mentioned several times that it has broken her soul to learn that her family sold her after all she has struggled through. We don’t know where her father is—I don’t even know who he is, nor does she. But she trusts my mate.”
“He’s right,” I cut in before there was a fight. “And I should know if there is some disparity in what I believe before we awaken more. Hell, I need a full download on our fucking culture. I know no one seems to give a shit that I wasn’t raised as a damn fairy and have barely any knowledge of our people, but it—”
“That is not true,” Neldor whispered, his face filled with horror. I did a double take at seeing that expression and grief in his eyes. “We are all devastated you did not grow up as you should have. Cluym is not wrong that there may be benefits and opinions we need with your being raised as an outsider, but—”
“But it injured your soul as a fairy,” Cluym rasped. “We all see it, Princess. You suffered so much, so young. And you did it so you could save us instead of us protecting you as we should. But you hold us no ill will for that. It’s amazing. We all grieve the childhood you should have had in Faerie—the childhood we were all blessed to have. All fairies will.”
“He’s right,” Iolas agreed. “And he’s right that your mother would never have pushed you to mate Prince Neldor. To fairies, a parent setting up a betrothal is a blessing on a path. It’s different than what you’re used to. We thought you understood that.”
I opened my mouth but then closed it, shaking my head. How would I know that? And that made no sense as to a difference. It really didn’t. People couldn’t actually force their kids to mate or marry, human nor supe. It was a blessing on a path and pressure to do what they wanted.
So what they fuck were they even trying to convince me of? Something I couldn’t comprehend since I wasn’t like them and wasn’t a real fairy basically?
Hey, thanks.
“We’re wasting time and energy on this. We have fairies to help get their lives back and our people moving forward so we’re all safe.” I shot Neldor a warning look. “Cluym made it clear he’s mine or whatever I don’t get. Don’t start shit with him over it. He’s Geiger’s mate who’s my friend, so I would go to the mat for him anyways. I don’t give a fuck you’re the prince of anything. Don’t forget that.”
I walked out of there shaking my head. I wasn’t going to speculate over what a woman I didn’t really even know had been thinking or plotting when she was gone and couldn’t answer for herself… Especially when I was pretty sure there was no mistake that I was lost in the human system, but that was her plan all along.
And all I suffered was just a byproduct of her Machiavellian fucking plans to be so selfless for her people. Yeah, it wasn’t all that selfless when she involved more than herself.
Instead, I focused where I should have and brought back five fairies from the darkness. I threw Neldor in another barrier, noting he wasn’t furious this time, but was annoyed like he simply expected it.
Kind of like I expected him to say and do a lot when I was at school keeping up public appearances. I didn’t really care. I focused on the five fairies and everything we’d been working on.
And Cluym was right… It didn’t matter one bit to me that they were dark fairies.
We were all just fucking people and we all needed to remember that more often.
15
When I arrived at school tired and drained, I was eternally grateful that Izzy had handled getting my books and even unpacking my room. She simply gave me a hug and told me she was proud of me. It might have seemed silly but it meant a lot. I think she saw something in my aura I needed to talk about.
So I did. I told her what they’d tried to tell me about my mother.
“Why don’t—you stopped telling me stuff, Tams,” she rasped. “Do you think I’ll bail like Mel?”
“No, it never crossed my mind,” I promised, giving a guilty look at her covered wrist. The one that had the magical tat that locked her mind with my secrets. “I hate to hurt you when I update that thing. It hurts you, Izzy.”
“You idiot,” she sighed and then shocked the shit out of me by smacking me several times. “You’ve been hurting me by not talking to me anymore. I thought I’ve been… We can’t not talk. We’re family now. You promised we were. You’re all I have now too, Tams. I don’t care if they call you as theirs. I did first. I called you like shotgun and licked you like the cookies I want later.”
I couldn’t even hide my shock at her outburst. The second I recovered, I pulled her in my arms, hugging her as she broke down crying. “We’re family, Izzy. I don’t care what they say I am. You can be my witchy advisor or—we’ll figure out something. We ride or die in this family. That doesn’t change because—it’s not fucking changing, just like they’re not getting me to stop cussing.”
She laughed even as she cried. Yeah, there was no chance of that and the fairies kept being shocked at my potty mouth.
They could fucking stuff it. They were just words, and people took it all way too seriously sometimes.
“I’m sorry I didn’t think to ask you how you’re doing with this,” I whispered, disappointed in myself.
“You’ve been drowning, Tams,” she forgave. “I didn’t mean to let it all out like that. I—things have been scary for me too.”
“No, we should check in more. I just…” There was no good way to say I hurt so much that I hadn’t been able to see or worry about anyone else really.
She leaned away and tucked my hair behind my ear. “You’re just like every other fairy, Tams.” She shook her head when I went to argue. “You were locked in the darkness too. It might not have been the same stuff they were, but you were too. Just think about what I’m saying, okay? Give yourself a break and hear one of us that you’re a superhero to us.”
“I’m not. I’m not enough for what they all need.”
“You’re more than what all of us deserve.” She leaned in and kissed my forehead. “You were stuck in the darkness, but refused to be trapped in it like they all were. You were too strong to be trapped in it. You fought not only what you were stuck in, but to free all of us who were too. If that doesn’t make you a super, super-sized hero, then there’s no such thing.”
“Thanks, Izzy,” I whispered, touched beyond words because I knew she meant it.
“That’s what I’m here for.” She rolled up her sleeve and offered me her wrist. “Update me and there’s a message for you on your bed that you need to handle. You got this.”
I nodded, thinking she meant the strength to do something that hurt her, but she meant the message. It was from Craftsman saying he got an aura muting charm from Calloway that she charged to my account because I would kick her if I let him pay for something so expensive. So he was warning me about that.
And delicately letting me know we didn’t have to use the mistress charm. Except an aura muting charm would still get him busted as there were people who watched him. People would notice him suddenly wearing one and would want to know why.
Which would lead to problems. Fuck.
Which meant it was time to go have sex with my teacher, and the man who was now my lover again, and I was sure would destroy me. Again.
Maybe Izzy wasn’t wrong about that darkness.
I stared at the note for several moments and pulled out my phone, my heart hurting when I realized I didn’t even know where his campus apartment was. Did that make me a bad lover or him?
Or was I fixating on stupid stuff when he had a room at my house he’d called home and didn’t care about his place on campus?
Yeah, probably that.
Tamsin: Got your note. Don’t think that’s smart. Can I come over with Portal Chow or something?
Craftsman: You’re always welcome here and I can cook for you, love. I think the other matter will be fine until we’re ready. There’s no rush or danger that people would immediately notice.
That wasn’t true since some people could sense the magic of charms just like I could when people wore telepathy blocking charms.
Tamsin: It’s fine. I’m in the mood for Chinese if you’re game?
Craftsman: Always. You know which is mine?
Tamsin: No, and I need to shower. Could you pick up the food and I’ll portal to you once you’re back in your apartment? Is that okay?
Craftsman: Of course. Whatever you want.
I frowned at my phone. That didn’t sound fair. It sounded off. Did he think I’d change my mind if he didn’t agree to Chinese or wouldn’t pick up Portal Chow? I sighed, my brain unable to figure out the minds of men. I quickly sent back a message thanking him and hurrying to order. I forwarded the details—careful not to order all I wanted so he didn’t carry a ton from the student union—and got in the shower.
And almost broke down crying as I showered for sex I wasn’t ready for. I mean, I wanted Julian. I’d always wanted him. I simply wasn’t emotionally ready to go back there with him.
I couldn’t have uncomplicated sex with the man I was so deeply in love with and had broken me like he had. Call me crazy, but I wasn’t a robot.
Somehow I managed to keep it together, wondering how much this would scar me or set us back from moving forward, and finished getting ready. I kept my clothes and makeup casual. I dried my hair because it was cold out and he deserved better than my showing up like a drowned rat without putting in any effort.
My phone beeped that he had the food and was back in his apartment right as I finished. I took a few deep breaths and opened a cloaked portal to him, stepping through it and into a small studio apartment like Mel had. I immediately threw up a barrier no one would feel so we were covered and none of the other talented teachers around would hear us or sense me.
“This isn’t nearly as much food as you probably need,” he grumbled as he set it all out from the delivery box.
“I didn’t want you to tease me for overeating again,” I joked, looking around and thinking the space was very much like him. It was inviting, but chic and full of books. Everything Craftsman was could be how one described an apartment.
“I apologized for that,” Craftsman whispered.
I did a double take when I glanced at him. “You did. Sorry.” I let out a slow breath. “Sorry. I just didn’t want you to drag it across campus when I asked you to pick it up.”
“You need to recharge after unfreezing others,” he muttered. “We can order more or I can cook for you too.”
“It’s fine.”
He didn’t answer, finishing his task and setting the box on the side of the tiny two-seater. “I’m sorry too. I’m nervous.”
I nodded, knowing the feeling. “Let’s eat.”
He grabbed my arm when I moved closer, waiting until I looked at him. “I love feeding you. I adore watching you eat. That was why I thought teasing you about how much you eat was ever acceptable. I never meant to make you feel picked on or all alone. Some of my favorite memories with you are us enjoying food and you eating. I’ve never once thought you eat too much or judged you for it.”
“Okay.”
“Hear me on this because I’m serious,” he begged. “You appreciate every ounce of food the way most never do. You’ve been without food and even after years of being able to eat when you want, you still appreciate it. You watch the artistry of the cooking and appreciate it. You value the people who make it for you. You enjoy the tastes and textures, and it’s happiness come to life in the simpleness of eating.”
I felt my face flush lava hot. “Thank you.”
He leaned in and kissed my forehead. “Thank you for giving me the chance to explain. It’s always bothered me I never handled that better and I hurt you about that.”
Me too. I hated we even had the smallest rift over that topic because I loved our memories eating together or taking baths with ice cream. I was glad to have even the tiniest bit of healing on the topic.
We sat down and the awkwardness didn’t get better as we ate. We hadn’t talked much when I’d agreed to get back together or since. We had, but not about that.
And I… Well, not wanted to, but I wanted to be able to. It made sense in my head.
Then something hit me. “Did you make your abs more toned in the dream? I thought I had and I was shallow.”
He choked on his lo mein, thumping his chest as his face turned red all the way up to his ears and down his neck. “Um, no, that’s the way they look now. I got it in my head that maybe you’d take me back if I was in better shape. I know you’re not shallow, but I was… I’d lost weight anyways, so I thought I’d get in a better routine to keep up with you.”
I stuffed my mouth with an egg roll so I didn’t admit how damn sexy that was. He was so confident and stylish, the chic Brit that everyone on campus drooled over that I couldn’t believe he did that to try and tip the scales so I’d take him back. He looked mortified I’d busted him on it, so I decided to be overly honest as well.
“The reason I wanted to do that in the dream was that evil voice in my mind told me that if I’d done it to you for real, you wouldn’t have forgotten me,” I confessed, feeling pathetic saying it. “That I wouldn’t have been so forgettable to you and maybe you wouldn’t have wanted to spend time with Campbell over me.”
“You never, not ever have any reason to be jealous any woman—that woman especially,” he whispered. “You weren’t forgettable at all, love. I get tunnel vision. Sometimes I would intentionally jump into a project so I didn’t bug you or be the weird one, and then I would blink and days had passed. I… I’ve always done that. I’m not good with people. I never have been. I’m awkward.”
He seemed even more embarrassed to admit that.
I had a different reaction. That wasn’t anything to be embarrassed about. “I wish you had told me some of that sooner.”
“Me too. You would have understood, but others haven’t and mocked me for it. They always tear the mickey out of me.” He shook his head. “And Campbell… I’m sorry for whatever you heard in her thoughts, but I never sought her out. We had meetings and yes, we talked magic at meals, but I would have talked about that with White or Edelman.”
I realized I’d been stupid. “She kept inserting herself but in her mind, it seemed as if you only opened up to her, and that was the perspective I saw when you were forgetting about me.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, love.”
I nodded, the hurt not healing, but some of it lessening. It had faded enough that I could start to hear some of this. It might be sad that it took almost a year for that to happen but… Life happened, and mine wasn’t calm or easy.
“What else is on your mind? Something happened that has your aura all over,” he muttered as he handed me another container.
I was going to brush it off at first, but then I realized of the four men I was involved with, he might be the one I could talk to about this. He’d lost a parent. Sure he loved his mom and still had her, so Darby might be the better one, but given how messed up his family was and it all centered around their hunting fairies, that seemed a topic to stay away from. Always.
“How old were you when your dad died?” I asked, hoping I wasn’t pushing or prying too much. I hated when I felt forced to talk about myself, and I never wanted to make others feel that pressure.
His eyes flashed shock. “Young. Eight.” He studied my aura and understanding filled his eyes. “I was angry too. I hated him for a while. I hated how my mum and I were treated because he wasn’t there to protect us. I blamed him because he hadn’t set things up better to make sure we were taken care of as we should have been. I coul
dn’t even grieve for him until I was older. I was too angry.”
“I get that,” I whispered. “I hate her. Them. I don’t care if she was the most wonderful person ever born to everyone else. She sold me, Julian.” To be fair, I told him what had happened and how a betrothal wasn’t the same to fairies as other supes.
“How is that really any different?” he asked when I was done.
“Right?” I growled. “It’s still another person dictating on something they shouldn’t. She didn’t have the right to set up anything for my mating. She sold me for peace. I don’t care how noble the reason, how selfless others think her for doing it. She wouldn’t have had to pay the fucking bill. I would’ve! I won’t!”
“Good. Don’t. You’ll come up with a better way and you already are, love,” he comforted. “There’s more though.”
“There’s more.” I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, my theory that my mother didn’t want me to end up with Geiger and how conflicted I was about that. I liked the person I was.
I simply wished I hadn’t gone through as much pain as I had to get to being me. I knew the journey made me who I was, but… For the love of fuck. Maybe I could have turned out the same with a few more breaks.
Maybe I’d be less broken.
“How did you get over the anger? I can’t be distracted right now on so many fronts. Too much is at stake.”
“You’re right, there is,” he sighed, tapping his chop sticks against the box.
He was good with them but honestly, I ate too much and too fast where I needed a fork and to shovel it in or all I would do was eat. For real. There were times I used the bigger spoons in my flatware set just to make eating go faster.