by Leslie North
He paused in the doorway, hands on hips, to appreciate what he’d accomplished. He’d planted evergreen shrubs and ornamental trees in the yard but stuck to potted perennials for color. If he opted not to reenlist, he could put the plants in the ground anytime during the growing season. If he stayed in the service and deployed on a mission, he could give the plants away, pots and all.
Or maybe Soledad would want them for wherever she moved to. He wanted to give her something. A sense of loss at the idea of parting with her filled him. And he knew it wouldn’t be much longer before she left. He’d caught her scrolling through job opportunities online and combing the “apartments for rent” section of the newspaper.
She was planning to move out soon. Imagining his home without her and Luke in it left a hollowness in his chest that was worse than the vulnerability he couldn’t shake. Both sucked, and he couldn’t control either. When Soledad made up her mind, there was no stopping her. And he had no right to try. She had her own life to live, and, as painful as it would be, they would work something out about sharing custody of Luke.
His son would be with him part time—he knew Soledad wouldn’t deny him that—so he didn’t regret the sunshade he’d stretched between the back-porch roof and the fence. It would still get use. He paused to look at Soledad, stretched full length on a blanket in the grass under it, Luke next to her, while Frankie ran after a butterfly in the yard.
The thought crossed his mind that, to a casual observer, this would look like an ideal life. An independent, vivacious woman, a healthy child, a good home, and even a friendly dog. Despite the tableau before him, Alex knew that life was out of his reach. He’d have his son, but, for the first time ever, some part of him wanted it all. The unattainable fantasy hung in front of him.
He was still thinking that when Soledad lifted her head and smiled at him. He went toward her, hoping for more than he had any right to. They’d loved each other once—or so he’d thought. He’d never said the words to her, though, since he’d been unable to put that much trust in another person. She’d said them more than once, and he’d disappointed her each time by not giving them back to her. But it wasn’t in him to allow that kind of emotional attachment. She was sunshine and light, as buoyant as the hot-air balloons she loved so much. He was… not her antithesis, not darkness and hate, but skepticism and caution ruled what he did.
“I’m glad you came out,” she said, giving him hope that the frost between them had thawed. He’d take some friendly banter since that was all he could ask for. “I need to run inside for a minute,” she went on. “Can you stay with Luke? He’s so happy out here that I don’t want to move him.” She climbed to her feet, her shorts and tank top showing off her athletic body.
“Sure,” Alex responded automatically, keeping his expression neutral as he put aside the letdown he felt. He’d been thinking serious thoughts about them, and she wanted nothing more from him than a bathroom break. He supposed he should be grateful she trusted him with Luke, but he couldn’t help wanting more than an arrangement that cared for their son.
“I won’t be long,” she said. She was close enough that her long hair brushed Alex’s shoulder as she passed him, and her scent lingered on the warm air. He had to steel himself not to succumb to either.
When he heard the back door close, he lay down next to Luke, who was contentedly staring up at the sky.
“Hey, buddy,” Alex said softly and got a smile from his boy, which was a gift he’d never known he’d wanted. Alex had never understood why his fellow SEALs with kids were so eager to return from missions. They angled for earlier flights and tried to fast-track the debriefings. Their actions had annoyed him in the past. He got it now.
Fatherhood gave him a new perspective, but it was a hell of a ride. Luke’s smile made his heart warm, but in the next second Alex’s soul could freeze with fear. And it wasn’t only this business with Bruce that caused his trepidation. The idea of being a dad was full of pitfalls. Alex supposed that was true for everyone, but he’d grown up with a poor excuse for a father and no mother that he could remember except in the vaguest way. It was more the sudden absence he’d felt when she left than anything. And then his father…
Alex struggled to brush aside the memories. He knew his brothers had tried to shield him from the brunt of his father’s violence, but they’d been kids themselves. Since his paternal model had been an abusive drunk, what the hell did he know about being a father to a young child?
He shouldn’t let his thoughts go in that direction. If his brothers were there, they would yank him back from that precipice—and so would Soledad—but he couldn’t help himself. Everything was in turmoil. He had a son to care for, an enemy to battle, and decisions to make about his future.
The clock was ticking on that last one. He had to make the choice soon about whether he was going to reenlist or leave the service. His paternity leave was nearly up, and the possibility of an investigator job with Colin’s firm tempted him. It might mean some odd hours and travel, but he wouldn’t be overseas and out of touch for months as he would be on SEAL missions.
Could he really go half a year or longer without seeing Luke?
He didn’t know the answer to that question. He did know that he couldn’t leave until the situation with Bruce was resolved and Luke and Soledad were safe. Once that was accomplished, he could sort out the rest. The options played in his mind on a loop, but he kept getting stuck on one possibility. What if he stayed and tried for a real relationship with Soledad, so they could be a family? What if he could have a life like his brothers did, with their wives and kids?
It sounded great, but nothing like that had ever worked out in his life. Others had always failed him, whether by choice or not. He knew the soul-searing pain of disappointment; he’d lived it again and again with his parents and the admiral. If he took the risk to form a family with Soledad, how could he expect a different outcome? She would always have the capacity to inflict that pain on him, even if only to make a choice that bettered her life. Even now she was considering moving on.
That’s what happened. He’d learned that lesson long ago. Choosing to give her that kind of power over him was just setting himself up for the inevitable fall.
And what about Luke? What would be best for him in all this? Even if Alex tried his hardest to make it work, he risked disappointing his son. That brought him up short. How could he live with himself if he failed this tiny being who knew nothing but trust?
Alex felt a soft hand on his shoulder and smiled at his son’s touch, given just when he needed it most. “Life’s tough, Luke,” Alex said, “and I’ll probably disappoint you. I’m sorry for that in advance.” The chances that he wouldn’t be there—or be enough—for his son were so great.
“For you, though,” he promised, kissing the boy’s forehead, “I’ll try my best.”
“Try your best at what?” Soledad asked, catching his last words as she walked closer. She caught her breath, too. The sight of Alex and Luke, their heads close together, did things to her that she didn’t want to admit. Maybe it was some heightened maternal instinct, but she wanted to hold them both close and love them forever. Luke was hers to do that with. His father… she didn’t know.
“At fatherhood,” Alex answered.
“Oh,” she whispered, taken aback at his response. Did he think he was failing in some way? And how unlike Alex to admit to that fear, to let down his guard. It made her want to reassure him, to offer some pithy platitude, but that felt false. Honesty was the best course. “I worry about that myself, you know. I think a lot about being a good mom to Luke.” She sat down on the grass near them and reached out to stroke Luke’s bare foot. “Parenting is way harder than it seems from the outside. I second-guess everything, and that’s only going to get worse as he gets older. There’s a lot of pressure to get it right, because there’s no do-over on this.”
“Good way to put it. No do-overs,” Alex repeated, pushing himself up to his elbows and br
inging them closer to each other than they’d been in days. “But I’ve watched you. You’re an awesome mom. From day one, you’ve been devoted to Luke and his well-being.”
“You’ve been great, too,” she said sincerely.
He shook his head as though deflecting her praise. “You don’t have to say that to make me feel better.”
“I’m not,” she insisted. “I have to admit that I wondered what kind of a dad you’d be, after your…” She didn’t know all the details of his youth, but she’d heard enough comments from him and his brothers that she’d pieced together a story of neglect and abuse until they’d been taken in by the admiral. His blue eyes burned into hers, and she couldn’t finish the sentence, knowing what a private thing his history was to him. “Anyways, I’ve been pleased with your approach to fatherhood and the care you’ve shown to a baby you knew nothing about until his birth.”
“How did you think I’d behave?” His tone suggested he took her words as an insult.
“Don’t take offense. Please. You have to remember that my expectations for dads are really low.” She tried to sound upbeat despite the difficult topic. “Mine stuck around long enough to name me before disappearing. And what a name.” She rolled her eyes.
Who would name a child “solitude” or “loneliness,” the English translations of her name? Certainly not a father who planned to raise that child and love her. Soledad had wondered, more times than she could remember, if the word was meant to apply to her, to seal her fate in some way—or was it an expression that described her father? She couldn’t speak for him, but she’d be damned if she’d succumb to melancholy. Now or ever.
“It’s a beautiful name,” Alex said gently, “despite its meaning.”
“Thanks for that,” she smiled, “but back to my point. Luke is lucky to have you as his father.”
“Maybe. I’m worried that someday he’ll hate me for disappointing him.”
What? Did Alex really believe that? What nonsense.
“Of course you’ll disappoint him,” she replied, and his face froze. Before he could speak, whether to protest or agree, she charged forward with her point. “Everyone is disappointed at some point—by their family, their friends, whoever—but since when is that the be-all and end-all of our lives? You can’t carry that worry around with you every day. As my mother would have said, disappointments are like back-fence cats.” Her mom had loved that expression.
“What the hell does that mean?” he scoffed.
“Language.” She tilted her head to the baby between them. “It means that it happens. Disappointment is as common as rain in April. My mother would have told you to build a bridge over those floodwaters and cross it.”
“I think I would have liked your mother,” Alex said with a slow smile.
“Yeah, she’d have liked you, too,” Soledad said, feeling her throat tighten. She’d wished so many times in the past months for her mother’s love and guidance, but heart disease had taken her too young. Soledad had very little family and none of it local.
“He has no clue what we’re saying, by the way.” Alex rubbed his hand over Luke’s belly, getting a giggle out of the boy. “It’s all about tone of voice at this age.”
“Reading up on baby development?” she questioned, unsurprised because, despite his uncertainty, Alex truly was doing his best by Luke.
“Maybe,” Alex admitted, his eyes on his son.
“See? You’re good father material after all. So good, as a matter of fact, that I’ve found time to paint my toenails,” she gestured to the bright red polish, “and post a couple of updates to my blog—because you do your share and more.” After that initial few weeks when she hadn’t had a minute to think about it, she’d reviewed more books and added content about upcoming festivals and links to balloon races, and she’d seen an uptick in traffic as a result.
“I’m glad for you,” he said as he played with Luke, getting the baby to grasp his finger.
Alex and his son were naturals together. It was a beautiful sight, and Soledad couldn’t take her eyes from the two of them as a sensation of pure happiness overcame her. In this moment she had the life, the family she’d always dreamed of. She wanted to hang on to it and make it last. Over the past days, she’d gone back and forth about her feelings for Alex. Their kiss had rocked her, but that was physical. It was the conversation with Lily and Carolyn that she couldn’t get out of her head, because they’d understood her struggles and gave her hope. They’d both gotten their Vale man and seemed blissfully content.
Was it really impossible for her to have the same? Because she wanted it, more than she’d let herself admit until now.
If life could be like this… She sighed.
“What?” Alex asked, looking up at her.
“Nothing,” she said, unable to confess what was in her heart. “It’s just a beautiful day.”
He gave a brief nod of agreement, his eyes on her face, before turning his attention back to Luke. She greedily took in the scene, storing it away in her memory. She had no idea how many more moments like this she’d get before things changed between them.
8
“Can I get you anything while I’m out?” Alex asked one morning a few days later. “I’m running over to Zach’s house.”
He didn’t have to tell her where he was going, but it was nice that he did. It was almost as if they were in a relationship again. The tension had dropped away from their interactions, and a measure of flirtation had taken its place.
“I’m good,” Soledad answered, lifting Luke to her shoulder and rubbing his back to soothe him. “Will you be long?”
“Not too long,” he said, his blue eyes on her. “Engage the security system after I leave.”
“I will. And I won’t talk to strangers, either,” she teased. He’d been adamant about locking doors and windows and setting the alarm. He’d never seemed overly concerned about that sort of thing in the past, but they hadn’t lived together then. They had each maintained a place and alternated nights between the two, despite the length of their relationship. Not long before their breakup, she had harbored the hope that he’d want her to move in. She’d even considered asking him to move to her duplex, but she’d known he would refuse.
That would have been too much for him—too confining, too much of a commitment for a man who refused to let himself become attached. She almost chuckled. Alex was attached now. To Luke, at least, despite the concerns he’d expressed about being a father. Maybe he was even a little attached to her because of their circumstances.
“There have been some break-ins in the neighborhood,” Alex said. “I’m just being cautious.”
Break-ins? That was news to her. Gina hadn’t mentioned anything of the sort when they spoke just the day before. Gina usually knew all the gossip. Strange. But Alex might have heard of an incident ten blocks away that triggered his concern. It was a simple enough thing to lock up and wasn’t worth arguing about.
“I promise to be careful, too. After all, we have something precious to protect,” she said, her hand smoothing over Luke’s thick, dark hair.
“We do.” Alex stepped closer. He touched the baby’s back before leaning to kiss Luke on the cheek. The movement brought him close enough that she could smell his crisp, clean scent and see the dark stubble on his chin. Oh, how she wanted to touch him, run her finger along his jaw, and feel the soft scrape of his beard. It would have been the most natural thing in the world for them to move closer still. For a second their eyes met over Luke’s head, and she thought Alex might take advantage of their proximity and kiss her.
She swallowed hard, teetering between leaning in to encourage him and turning her head to break the moment. Before she could act, Alex touched her lightly on the back of her neck under her ponytail. It was almost a caress, but it was over too soon. And then he was gone, out the front door. She heard his truck start and saw it pull away from the house through the large front window.
“Well, baby, it’s ju
st us,” she said to Luke as she keyed in the code to set the security system. “Just us,” she repeated, letting the words sink in. Their meaning erased some of the happy vibes the intimate moment had stimulated in her. Just us might be her and Luke’s existence soon, she acknowledged. Who knew when Alex would leave on another mission? He’d said nothing to her about his future as a SEAL, but she’d been with him long enough to know that the job came first. Or, at least, it always had.
“Maybe you do now.” She spoke to the now-sleeping baby. “Not me, though.” She huffed out a sigh, reminding herself that he’d made her no promises about what came next, other than to assure her that he’d be involved in Luke’s life. Which was good. Exactly what should happen between father and son. But knowing that she was a secondary priority in Alex’s life—if that—hurt more than a little.
She’d been having fun flirting with him and didn’t want to see that end. But it would, and sooner than she wanted it to. Damn that family curse, she grumbled as she gently placed Luke in the portable crib they kept in the living room. She wasn’t going to get what she wanted with Alex, but at least if he stayed in their lives as Luke’s father, as she thought he would, she’d be miles ahead of her mother’s situation, not to mention her aunt’s and cousin’s. Soledad sank down on the couch feeling a little doomed, but she only let that last a minute before she forced herself to her feet. She had gotten through a pregnancy that involved losing her job and her home without anyone’s help. She really could do anything.
But she wanted…
Nope, can’t go there. She yanked her thoughts back as she reached for her laptop and forced her concentration to her blog. There were some new comments on her recent reviews, along with an offer from an advertiser who wanted to place a commercial on her site and pay her for the clicks it received. That was good, and the site already raised revenue in similar ways, but it wasn’t enough to support her and Luke.