“That’s why you take us in small doses.”
“True.” And then he kissed her, and she sighed into him, wrapping her arms around his neck as he put his hands on her ass and pulled her closer.
Roxie could do this for hours, days. Just be with Carter and enjoy the scenery and just being alone. Here, they didn’t have any worries, they didn’t have to deal with work or family. It was just the two of them.
It was exactly what they needed.
Because it was time to talk.
It was time to just be.
And it was past time to leave it all in the open so they could move on.
Because Roxie really wanted to move on. She wanted that next part of her future.
“Let’s get inside and see what else this cabin has to offer. Because I don’t really think we can call it a cabin if it has two stories. And it looks to be on a hill, so there’s like a basement. It’s a little ridiculous.”
“Yes, a cabin in the woods this is not. It’s more like a mansion made out of wood in the woods. I’m a little worried.”
Carter moved their bags in even though she could have helped. He liked doing things for her, and she was going to let him. Because she hadn’t let him do much for her in the past, constantly pushing him away so she could prove that she was independent and do things for herself. She knew that was cutting off her nose to spite her face.
The inside of the cabin was even more beautiful than the outside. It was a stunning work of art, all gleaming wood and new appliances that somehow melded with the outdoor-esque feel of the whole place. There were huge, leather couches built for a large family or more. There were a few seating areas, as well as a loft section on one side of the house, an open-concept area with huge, vaulted ceilings in another. On the back end of the dwelling was where the rest of the rooms were located, and Roxie knew from what Liam had told her that there was even a gaming area with a couple of bedrooms in the basement. She probably wouldn’t want to stay in those because there were absolutely no windows and it would be dark and kind of creepy.
It would already be creepy in the dark in a cabin in the woods, she really didn’t want to be stuck in a basement at the same time.
The two of them quickly put their bags into the master bedroom, though they didn’t spend any time inside, laughing and talking to each other instead of looking around. They both knew that there would be time for that later. Instead, they explored the house, looking around all the different rooms and at everything Liam owned. Roxie knew that he likely shared this with his siblings, but he was the sole owner of the place. It had to be nice having something like this. Maybe one day when her family was ready to stop expanding their businesses, they could do something like this, too. She knew her parents would probably enjoy it.
“Do you want to go for a walk before the snow really hits?” Carter asked. “I know we’re up in the mountains, and it’s already starting to snow a bit, so we’ll probably be snowed in for the night. The app says only a couple of inches, but you know these mountains. Better safe than sorry. We’ll snuggle by the fire when we get home.”
Roxie kissed his jaw, though her heart clutched at the word fire. “I think I can do that.”
He kissed her nose. “Hey, baby, I’m okay. You don’t need to flinch when I say the word fire. I promise. I’m fine.”
He was. She knew that. But she really didn’t like to think about fire when it came to Carter. She still had nightmares of when he was burned and that he hadn’t healed as much as he had. She had night terrors about a lot of things, but these days, at least, when she turned over, Carter was there. He didn’t stay over every night, but once they were done with this trip, she hoped that he would move back in. Though that was something she needed to talk with him about after they’d finished everything else. Because this trip was about reconnecting, about becoming them again. And they were well on their way to making that happen.
They bundled up in their coats and scarves and hats and even put on hiking boots, although she had to put on new ones that weren’t completely broken in yet. The ones she loved had finally gotten a hole in the bottom, and there was no fixing that. So, she put on a couple of Band-Aids and hoped for the best.
Roxie inhaled the crisp scent of the outdoors, knowing it was one of her favorite things. For someone who worked indoors and worked with numbers every single day, she sure loved being outside and in nature. It was the same way for Carter, she knew, although he was so easygoing, sometimes she thought he might be great in a big city or even in a place like this. He just fit in anywhere—even though she knew that he didn’t always feel that way.
The snow fell a little bit harder as they made their way back, and Roxie had a feeling they were going to have to bundle up a little tighter tonight just in case the power went out.
“We should hurry,” Carter said over the now near-blowing snow. “I checked the weather app before we left, but this is apparently coming on a little faster than expected. In fact, I think it might be a few more inches than just the two to three the weatherman said it was going to be up here.”
“I know Liam wanted us to be all romantic, but I don’t think being snowed in is something I really want to do.”
“I’m totally with you there,” Carter said with a laugh. “The whole snowed-in thing only works in books. Not so much in real life.”
So, the two of them moved a little faster, she holding onto him when they went down a steeper incline that was a little bit slippery. He was just taller, and his longer legs took up the space easier than hers could. But because she was looking at those legs of his, and his very nice ass, she didn’t see the root that came out of nowhere.
So, when her foot and her new shoe got caught in it, she winced at the pain before it quickly went away and she slammed into the ground. Carter had reached out to try and help her, but there was already snow and ice beneath them, making it hard for him to get to her.
Her pulse raced, and she blinked, rolling over so she could sit up easier.
“Ow,” she said, rubbing her butt. “I’m fine. Just twisted my ankle.”
“Shit, Roxie. You scared the hell out of me. Are you really okay?”
“I kind of scared myself, too. But I can see the lights for the house, so we’re fine. Just help me up?”
“Let me check your ankle first.”
“Just don’t take off my shoe, you know…just in case.”
“I’ve watched the movies and read those books. I think I know what I’m doing. Maybe.”
He felt around her ankle, and she didn’t even wince. She knew it wasn’t a break. Probably not even a sprain. Once they’d confirmed that, he kissed her hard and then helped her up to her feet.
“The house is right there, so you’re going to have to deal with this,” Carter said before he lifted her up and pulled her to his chest.
She let out a squeak and wrapped her arms around his neck. “What do you think you’re doing? We could trip again. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”
“I’m going to carry my wife back to the house like I’m a caveman. And you’re going to let me do it. The path is pretty good the rest of the way. You just happened to find the last root on the way to the house.”
“Of course, I did. Because I’m me.”
“I’m surprised I haven’t tripped yet.” And then he looked down at his feet, pausing to make sure that he didn’t.
Despite her fall, they were laughing when they walked into the house, and her ankle didn’t hurt at all. Yes, it was snowing, and they were going to have to put a few more logs on the fire, but it would be nice to be in a cabin in the woods during the final snowfall of the season.
At least she hoped it was the final one. Because she was ready for spring. She was ready for new beginnings. And she was ready for her husband.
He held her close as they made their way to the master bedroom and, despite it all, she smiled when she noticed the rose petals on the bed. When he set her down on top of them, he leaned fo
rward and rested his head on hers.
“You know, if he wasn’t your cousin…” he growled, though there was a smile in his tone.
“Okay, now you’re starting to cross a weird line.”
Carter just shook his head and kissed her softly. “First, I’m glad that you’re okay right now. That you didn’t hurt yourself when you fell. And, second? I’m glad that he took care of you. I’m just sorry that it had to happen at all.”
Her heart ached, but it didn’t feel as hollow as it had. With each conversation, with each move toward the future, Roxie was healing. But first, she had to make something clear. “I don’t know if I can be really sorry.”
Carter tilted his head, staring at her. “What do you mean?”
She let out a breath. “I think we needed time apart to realize what we were doing to each other. I wish we could go back and not make that happen, but then we would have to go back and make the reasons for everything not happen, and we can’t do that. So, we are looking forward, and I appreciate that we’re talking about everything that passed. I know I’m not making a lot of sense.”
Carter just sat down next to her and held her close, tucking her into his side as he kissed the top of her head. She shivered, her heart racing at just the thought of losing him.
“You’re making perfect sense. And I get what you’re saying, and I actually agree with it. I hated walking out. I hated leaving you. I hated seeing those damn papers.”
Papers. The papers that had started them down this new path and yet had almost ruined everything. Her hands shook, and her palms turned clammy just thinking about them. She swallowed hard.
“I hate those papers. I never signed them. So, we’re still married.” It felt so trivial to say that. As if they hadn’t gone through the gauntlet. As if she hadn’t thought of her life without him.
As if he hadn’t tried to do the same.
“That’s good.” He let out a sigh. “I’m sorry I signed them at all. I thought it was what we needed to do, what I needed to do. I was wrong.”
“We were wrong about a lot of things.”
An understatement.
“How about we pour some wine and talk about what we’ve been trying not to talk about all this time.” Carter cupped her face after he’d said the words, and she leaned into him, knowing it was beyond time.
“I think we need to.”
And so he took her hand and led her from the master bedroom into the kitchen. Liam had also left her favorite wine out on the counter, a pinot noir that she knew was pretty hard to get in this state.
“Apparently, he really wants us to stay together. Plying us with wine and rose petals. I’m pretty sure I spotted some chocolates in the fridge, too.”
“He’s a good man. I promise I don’t want to hit him.” Carter ran his hands down her sides, and she wondered why she was so nervous. This wasn’t the first time they’d brought up uncomfortable subjects, but it was the first time they were actually doing it on purpose. At least, about this particular subject.
“That’s good, because he is family.”
They went into the living room, holding their glasses of wine before setting them down. She’d taken a single sip of hers, but he hadn’t touched his. Maybe they needed their wits about them to talk, but she needed that single sip to push her in the right direction.
Maybe if she talked quickly, it wouldn’t hurt so badly. “I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I remember it so clearly.”
She was wrong.
It hurt.
It hurt so damn much.
The only thing that hurt more was when she’d thought Carter had died…and when she’d thought she lost him forever.
Carter ran his hands over his face, his eyes dark and focused on the past, his devastation clear. “Me, too. I was so damn nervous and excited and scared. We hadn’t even talked about kids. At least not in reality. It had always been in the abstract, as something we might want to do if we got married.”
“And then I was pregnant, and we didn’t tell my parents. We didn’t tell my family. We didn’t tell anyone. It was just you and me, and this little baby that was going to come and change everything.” She put her hands over her stomach, remembering what it was like to feel something growing inside of her. Though she hadn’t made it to the months where she could fully feel her baby kick. Maybe a flutter, but she had never truly known the joy.
She had lost the baby before it had become truly real, but in the end, it had been real enough that it had ruined part of her. Shattered the parts that made her Roxie, devastated the part that had made her want to be with her husband. Or rather destroyed the part that had made her think that she could be with her husband.
“I will never forget the day that I walked into the house and saw you bleeding on the floor.” Carter’s voice was rough as he spoke, and it pulled her out of her thoughts.
“I don’t remember much about you picking me up.”
“I honestly thought you were dead. You were covered in blood, and your hands were out as if you were trying to get to your phone, but it had fallen when you hit the floor. And I had just come home early from work because I had a shitty day and just wanted to see you. And then you were on the floor, and I thought I’d lost you.”
“You almost did.”
When she had the miscarriage, her body hadn’t been able to let her know that she was actually losing her baby until it was too late. She would have died if Carter hadn’t called the ambulance right then. If he hadn’t been there when she needed him.
And she’d pushed him away because she’d been scared.
And he’d stayed away because he hadn’t known how to help.
“Everything changed.” Her voice was hollow again, but she knew she could feel. That’s all she could do.
“When I heard that you lost the baby, I wasn’t relieved, but it was more that you were there for me, with me. I wasn’t going to lose you, too.”
“I grieved. I woke up, and I knew that our baby was gone. And it scared me. It scared me because I was afraid that we had gotten married because of that baby. And then you were going to leave me. And then I didn’t know if we wanted to have a baby right away or if we should even start trying. And so, we didn’t talk about it. I just said that I wanted to get an IUD, and you said okay. And we didn’t talk. That was so stupid of me. It was so stupid of us.”
“So fucking stupid,” Carter agreed. “I don’t even…” He let out a breath. “I don’t even know what to say anymore. I feel like all I’m doing is saying the wrong things, at least that’s how it used to be. Because you just turned in on yourself when we lost the baby. You didn’t tell your family, and I knew it wasn’t my place to tell them. And I didn’t fight you to do anything about it. I just thought you were moving on and figured I should, too.”
“I just…I was just trying to figure out exactly who I was. Because I know we’ve said that we got married because of who we are together and the fact that we love each other. And, yes, maybe we did rush into the wedding a little early, but you were going to propose. I know that now. But I didn’t know that before. I didn’t know that you asked me to marry you when you did because of me and not because of the pregnancy. And so, I had this idea in my head that I needed to have another baby to make sure that everything was just fine, and we could make it work. And then I knew I wasn’t ready, and I didn’t know when or if I would be, so I went on birth control. And you were okay with it. I just didn’t understand.”
Carter kissed her, kissed away her tears though they didn’t come. “And you didn’t ask. But then again, I didn’t either. I didn’t want to hurt you by making you think of what we’d lost. Because I missed that baby so much. We didn’t even name it. The doctors said it was so early that we just…we didn’t do what we needed to.”
Tears finally ran down her face at his words.
“I always thought of her as Angel in my head.”
He kissed her then, and she let the tears fall. “I know.” Sh
e broke. “You whispered it in your sleep. I tried to hold you, and you pushed me away. And then I didn’t know how to talk to you anymore. I didn’t know how I felt anymore. We lost our Angel…and I didn’t know what to do.”
She wiped away his tears this time and kissed his cheeks. She loved this man, loved the way he felt things so deeply.
They had been so scared before, so broken, that they hadn’t known how to deal with their grief.
“We need to talk about Angel more. The baby we lost. It wasn’t her that brought us together. That’s what I thought for so long, and because of that, I almost lost you. But I love you so much. So, can we just be us? Can we talk about Angel more? And can we just be us?”
He picked her up and put her on his lap and held her close. “I love you, Roxie Montgomery-Marshall. I love you to the very depths of my soul. And we should have talked about Angel long before this. We should have talked about the fact that we lost something so precious, and not only our baby. We lost us. I don’t want to do that again. So, I want to use this weekend, and I want to just love you. Forever. Can you make that happen? Can we?”
“I know forevers aren’t something that’s promised. But I want to try. I want to be with you for as forever as forever can be. And, yes, let’s talk about Angel.”
So, for the rest of the night, they talked about the angel that they never got to hold, the angel Roxie had almost died for. They talked about the blood on the floor, the blood on his hands.
And she promised him that they would talk to her family soon about it. Because they were talking to each other. They were together.
Sure, it was scary, but they were making it work, and they could maybe have another baby in the future. But that would come with time.
But first, first Roxie just needed her husband. She needed that forever.
And with Carter, she knew she could find it.
Finally.
Chapter 18
Carter slid his clothes into the dresser drawer, closing it with a soft snap. As soon as he did, his shoulders immediately relaxed, and he let out a breath.
Jagged Ink: A Montgomery Ink: Colorado Springs Novel Page 17