by Nicola Marsh
She wanted to tell him she didn’t need a shrink, but that would hurt him and he didn’t deserve it. He thought he was doing the right thing, giving her a nudge towards nursing, but he didn’t know how damn inadequate she felt whenever she pondered her incomplete degree.
‘That has nothing to do with you.’
‘Like my hiding out here had nothing to do with you, yet you suggested I get professional help,’ he said. ‘At least I did you the courtesy of listening.’
She rolled her eyes. ‘Nothing you say will change my mind. I don’t have time to finish my nursing degree.’
‘You will if I coparent Isla.’
‘What does that mean exactly?’
‘I’ll be around for another month at least, and I’m happy to spend as much time as possible with Isla, so that should give you time to at least look into what it would take to complete your degree.’ He quirked an eyebrow. ‘What have you got to lose?’
Damn him. Tash had always put off completing her nursing degree because she didn’t have time: she had to work long hours to support Isla and her daughter needed her. But here was Kody offering her the precious gift of time. Should she take it? She knew he wasn’t being entirely altruistic, that he probably wanted to spend as much time as possible with Isla, but she’d like to think his heart was in the right place.
‘What’s the point of me looking into it when I can’t do anything about it?’
‘You’re still a stubborn mule,’ he muttered, with a shake of his head. ‘How about this? I won’t consider performing at your blues night unless you investigate your degree options.’
‘You’re blackmailing me. Nice,’ she said, shooting him a scathing glare.
‘If that’s what it takes.’
She contemplated what she had to do: an online search or two, contacting universities, talking to admission offices, researching learning by correspondence, tasks she’d avoided for so long because she wanted to devote time to Isla when she wasn’t working. She’d been resigned to finishing her degree some time in the future. But what if that timeline had been brought forwards because she’d let Kody into their lives?
When he continued to stare at her, she sighed. ‘Fine. I’ll look into it.’
‘That’s my girl.’
Before she knew what was happening, he’d leaned across and kissed her. On the mouth. A quick kiss and nothing like their steamy pash last week, but enough to resurrect the memory of how damn good it had felt.
‘You need to stop doing that,’ she said, no sting in her words.
‘And you need to stop telling me what to do.’
This time when they grinned at each other, Tash sensed the deeper bond they’d once shared slowly but surely growing between them.
It terrified her.
CHAPTER
33
The Watering Hole was nothing like what Kody expected. He’d envisioned a small, grungy venue similar to the dive bars the band had played in around the States. Back then, Rock Hard Place had been trying to cement the success of their first song climbing the charts by playing as many gigs as humanly possible. They’d done a road trip from LA to San Fran, across to Las Vegas, down to New Orleans and back to the City of Angels. By the end of those six months, they were being labelled a band to watch, courtesy of a big-name rock star in Vegas asking them to open his show when another band pulled out.
Their first song had done okay, their second hit the top twenty and their third shot to number one, catapulting them to the kind of fame he’d only ever dreamed about. Being so busy those first six months had been a godsend because it gave him little time to dwell on Tash walking away from him and the heartless way she’d done it. He’d drowned his sorrows in bourbon, women and song. Many songs, penned in the dead of night when the rest of the band members had crashed from partying hard and he’d be left alone to ponder their rapid rise to fame and what that meant for his future.
Never in a million years had he anticipated factoring a kid into that future. He’d worn his single status like a badge of honour, intent on never stringing a woman along. Sure, he’d slept with his fair share, but they’d all known the score. And while those encounters had been fun, he’d never had the deeper connection he’d had with Tash. A connection that was still there, if he dared admit the truth to himself.
He didn’t want to delve into his reawakened feelings for her. He didn’t want to give her false hope. It could only end badly between them and considering he’d be in touch with her for years to coordinate parenting Isla, he couldn’t afford to screw this up.
His logical plan wavered when Tash locked the front and back doors of the roadhouse, leaving them alone in a dimly lit room that smelled of barbecue wings and beer, the exact aroma of the Princeton when they’d first met and fallen for each other many moons ago.
‘Did you mention to Isla we were doing this tonight? Because she didn’t say a word when I dropped her off at Ellen’s for a sleepover.’
He shook his head. ‘No, I didn’t want her asking a bunch of questions I have no idea how to answer until I actually make it up onto that stage so I haven’t texted her.’ He jerked his thumb at the corner. ‘Just looking at it makes me want to puke.’
‘You sure you want to do this?’
He nodded, despite the tension that held his spine stiff and made his palms grow clammy. The thought of picking up a guitar and stepping onto the stage terrified him.
Crazy, because there was nobody here to witness his humiliation if he couldn’t do it. Tash would give him complete privacy if he asked, she’d said as much on the drive over. Better here, on a small stage, than at a Rock Hard Place gig where he’d let down thousands.
Tash eyed him warily, as if she expected him to bolt any second. ‘Do you want me to wait in the kitchen?’
‘No, but I’d love a bourbon.’
‘I’ll make it a double,’ she said, slipping behind the bar, leaving him to study the stage.
Though small, the stage could hold a four-piece band, five at a squeeze. It was elevated by a few inches, made from the same pocked mahogany boards as the rest of the floor. The roadhouse may look a little worn in places but everything gleamed and he could imagine it housing several hundred when packed.
‘Do bands perform here often?’
‘There’s a blues night monthly, and since Ruby took over we have regular theme nights too. Eighties, Elvis, rock ‘n’ roll, that kind of thing.’ Tash approached him and he tried not to ogle. There was nothing remotely seductive in her outfit—faded denim jeans, tan suede ankle boots and grey tank top—but her body rocked it, making her sexy as hell.
‘Here you go.’ She thrust a glass at him, filled over halfway.
‘I take it you don’t man the bar,’ he said, raising his glass in a salute. ‘Because if you call this a double, this place would be out of business damn quick.’
She smiled. ‘I thought you needed it.’
‘I do.’ He downed half the bourbon in one gulp, the burn in his throat a welcome distraction from his nerves.
‘Better?’
‘Not really but, hey, I’ll try anything at this point.’
He didn’t mean it to sound like a come-on but maybe she felt the simmering attraction between them as much as he did, for she took a step closer and laid a hand on his chest.
‘You can do this. And if you can’t, it’s okay.’ She brushed a soft kiss on his cheek and damned if he didn’t feel like crying.
He’d never been emotional. He’d learned that the hard way in his first foster home; tears equated with weakness and that got you picked on. He’d honed his impassivity over the years, preferring to bottle up his reactions than give anyone the satisfaction of seeing him hurt. Not entirely healthy, considering the way every goddamn emotion he’d ever had bubbled out in a toxic torrent after the concert accident, and the online psych had helped him see that.
It didn’t mean he could change his ways all at once and letting Tash see his vulnerability would only und
ermine his stance to keep things friendly between them. Letting her too close, opening up to her, could produce a wave of emotion he may not recover from. Getting back on stage would be traumatic enough.
‘You can stay,’ he said gruffly, tossing back the rest of the bourbon. ‘But if I ask you to leave, you need to do it quick, okay?’ The last thing he wanted was for her to see him break down.
‘Sure.’ She touched his cheek, the barest graze of a fingertip across the stubble, but it sent a stab of longing through him. ‘Take your time.’
Rather than sitting at the front table nearest the stage, she walked across the room and perched on a stool near the kitchen, as if expecting him to ask her to leave. But if he couldn’t do this in front of an audience of one, with a woman he’d once loved, he had no hope of braving a larger crowd.
Kody picked up the guitar case and laid it on a table. A fine sheen of sweat broke out over his forehead and his fingers trembled slightly as he unzipped it. He took a few deep breaths, swiping the sweat away with the back of his hand. That’s another thing the psychologist had suggested, to check out a few meditation and mindfulness techniques. Kody had thought it was a bunch of hooey at first but every now and then, usually when he woke from a nightmare of clawing at faceless monsters, he’d slow his breathing, forcing it deep into his belly, taking time to readjust.
The distant howl of a wild dog punctuated the silence as he slipped the guitar from the case and caressed the wood from the headstock to the bridge. It was a ritual he did before every concert, even if he wouldn’t be playing any acoustic numbers. And while Yanni’s guitar was a superb example of fine craftsmanship, he couldn’t help but wish he had his.
Slinging the strap over his shoulder, he took a step towards the stage. And stopped, as panic swamped him, strong and potent, leaving him gasping for air, drowning.
The psych said he didn’t have PTSD but that gave him small comfort as he stared at that rectangular platform as though it would devour him whole if he stepped onto it.
Frozen, he risked a glance over his shoulder. Tash hadn’t moved; she perched on the stool, her hands clasped in her lap, her expression carefully neutral. Then she flashed him an encouraging smile and it catapulted him straight back to the Princeton where she’d do this very thing, wait for him on a bar stool off to the side of the stage, smiling encouragement whenever he glanced her way.
It helped, and he willed away the tension holding his muscles rigid, taking one step, another, until he stood in the middle of the stage. He didn’t implode, the roof didn’t fall in and when he reached for the microphone stand, it felt like the most natural thing in the world.
Kody stroked the guitar again, along the neck and frets, lingering over the sound hole, before positioning his fingers to play the first chord. He had no idea what song he’d sing. His goal had been to make it up on the stage and he hadn’t thought much beyond that. But as he plucked at the strings, a familiar melody flowed through him and he found himself humming the first few bars.
Their song, the one he played at every gig for her. Of course it would be, when he needed comforting. And as the lyrics flowed seamlessly with his strumming, a sense of peace enveloped him. His eyes closed as he sung his heart out. And when he played the final chord, his head dropped forwards as exhaustion made him want to curl up in a corner.
He heard Tash’s heels on the floorboards but when he opened his eyes and her boots appeared in his line of vision, he couldn’t look at her. He didn’t want to see pity or gratitude. It would undo him completely.
So he waited while he got his emotions under control. When he raised his head, their gazes locked and the admiration in hers blew him away.
‘You did it.’ She took a step forwards, hesitated, staring at his guitar like she wished it would vanish.
So he made that happen, slipping the strap over his shoulder and propping the guitar to one side. He stepped off the stage and she moved into his arms like it was the most natural thing in the world, her arms wrapped around his neck tight, her face buried in the crook like she used to. They still fit and as he hugged her close, he wished they could somehow recapture the magic of the past.
In that moment, he finally let go of his residual anger towards her.
She’d always been good for him. His rock. His voice of reason. They hadn’t dated for long in terms of time but it had felt like forever when he’d had her by his side, supporting him. Removing any say he might’ve had in having Isla had been another way of shouldering the burden and letting him off. She’d supported his career to the extent she’d given up hers. He had no right judging her.
She was the most beautiful woman he knew, inside and out. When Tash looked at him, he felt like he was invincible and while that was far from the truth, she made him want to be a better man.
He kissed the top of her head and she stilled, the faintest shiver racking her body as she snuggled in closer. His arms tightened, melding her to him in a way that made him wish they were somewhere more private.
As if sensing his thoughts, her fingers weaved through his hair, moving his head away so she could press her mouth to his. The kiss started gently, a tender, repeated grazing of her lips against his, almost teasing.
Kody didn’t want to complicate their relationship and he had no idea if it was the adrenalin coursing through his body at conquering his fear of performance, or the feel of having Tash in his arms so completely, but whatever it was, he wanted more. He deepened the kiss, expecting her to pull away. When she wrapped her leg around his hip and ravaged him back, he had all the answer he needed.
Lifting his mouth from hers, he whispered against the corner of her mouth, ‘Nobody’s coming in here tonight, yeah?’
‘Yeah, we’ve got the place to ourselves,’ she said, desire making her eyes glitter in the semi-darkness. ‘But do we want to do this—’
He silenced her doubts with a scorching kiss that proved exactly how much he wanted her. She responded by pushing him onto the nearest chair and straddling him. Damn she was sexy, writhing in his lap, her hair tumbling loose from its ponytail, draping their faces as they kissed like they couldn’t get enough.
They didn’t speak—the sound of soft panting and moans mingling in the air with unzipping and tearing of foil. She had to dismount for a moment to take off her shoes, jeans and underwear, and it gave him the perfect view of how beautiful she was. The familiarity of her made his chest ache. And then she was back, sliding onto him, engulfing him in heaven.
There was nothing remotely tender about the way she rode him. She slid up and down with abandon, her head thrown back, the column of her neck exposed to his greedy lips. Lust engulfed him as the tension built. He reached between their bodies, found her clitoris, pleasured her until she came apart. He followed moments later, tumbling into welcome oblivion, the kind of release that obliterated everything but being with this incredible woman in this cataclysmic moment.
He held her tight, savouring her warmth, lost in memories of the two of them in the past, and how being with Tash like this now felt like coming home.
CHAPTER
34
Tash had to stop grinning like an idiot. She’d seen her reflection several times—in the microwave, in the window overlooking the backyard, in the glass cabinet housing her crockery—since she’d arrived home after having spontaneous sex with Kody at the roadhouse and each time, she sported the inane grin of a well-satisfied woman who wanted more from the man currently sitting in the lounge room waiting for her to rustle up some drinks.
She shouldn’t be feeling this euphoric. Having sex with Kody before they’d sorted custody issues was foolish. But she couldn’t help herself. Seeing him struggle with his performance anxiety, watching him conquer his fears, made her heart swell with admiration. She’d once loved him and having him lay himself bare like that … His vulnerability made her want to hold him and never let go.
She couldn’t afford to indulge in crazy thoughts like that but the moment he’d opened
his arms to her and she’d stepped into them, she knew there was no other place she wanted to be. The mistakes of the past had faded, along with the complications of the present, leaving her with him to just … be.
She’d never felt so alive.
Sex with Kody had always left her wanting more but this time was different. Back then she’d been young and naïve, revelling in the discovery of her body and the way it responded to his. She may not have had a hell of a lot of sex since but what had happened in that roadhouse defied belief. It was frantic and hot. Scorching, melt-her-into-a-puddle hot.
Pressing her cheek against the fridge didn’t cool her off much so she opened the freezer and stuck her head in a little. Of course, that’s the moment she heard him clear his throat. She straightened so fast she clunked her head on the top shelf.
‘You okay?’
‘Sure.’ She winced and rubbed her head. ‘Just searching for ice cubes.’
‘But I asked for a beer?’
‘I felt like a bourbon.’
‘Then why are there two beers on the counter?’ His wide grin made her heart skip a beat. Sexy as hell. ‘And why are your cheeks so red?’
‘Shut up,’ she muttered, biting back a smile as he burst out laughing.
‘Hey, I’ll take it as a compliment.’
‘Whatever.’ She grabbed the beers and flounced past him, to the sound of more laughter. She loved this, swapping banter with him like they used to. He’d always made her laugh back then, saying her studies made her too serious. She had been too staid, and he’d been the perfect distraction, preventing her from turning into a nerd who put her degree above everything else. His ability to bring out her lighter side had been one of the many things she loved about him. He complemented her in a way she hadn’t expected. No prizes for guessing why she’d reverted to a hermit when she walked away from him.
Then again, having a baby with no family support didn’t leave a lot of time for a social life. Maybe if she’d dated more, had a relationship after Kody, she mightn’t be this gaga all over again. Because that’s exactly how she felt at the moment, like he’d dazzled her and she couldn’t resist.