by Paula Hayes
Heartburn and Poop
Kevin put his arm around his wife and pulled her close. Over the top of her head, he roared, “What in blazes have you been doing? Did you bring some of that hippy weed your mother smokes into this house?” he pointed a stumpy accusing finger at Jacqui. She burst into tears and replied, “No, Mr. Grey.”
“What about you Dylan? Did you drink all the brandy and go on some bloody modern dance psychotic bender,” he swivelled around like a wobbling bowling pin and pointed his finger upwards at the boy who towered over him.
“No Mr. Grey,” he wiped his nose and tried to control his wobbly bottom lip but failed and began howling.
Kevin now fixed his attention on his daughter and threw his hairy arms up in the air forcing his gorilla man boobs to shake. “And you Anna, you’re supposed to be the sensible one, what in God’s name happened in here?” Anna bit her top lip too but was trying not to laugh out loud, she was beyond overwrought and the night was skidding by like a surreal black comedy.
“OMG! Dad you are embarrassing me, stop it. Leo happened Dad so please stop shouting at my friends. Dylan is about to have his second serious asthma attack and Jacqui is not feeling herself at all,” Anna countered, trying hard to keep the rising giggly hysteria out of her voice.
“Who the hell is Leo, is he one of Jacqui’s boyfriends? He didn’t hurt you did he,” his tone softened.
“No Mr. Grey,” Jacqui sniffled and tried to stop sobbing.
“Leo is a friend of Uncle Les,” offered Anna as she patted Dylan’s back and pointed to the photo.
“What is this bullshit you are telling me? Les has been dead for over thirty five years.” Kevin’s nostrils quivered in fury. “He was long dead before I met your mother!” His face darkened as veins danced on top of his fleshy hairy cheeks.
Natalie pulled her head off his chest and started patting Kevin’s back in long soothing strokes.
“Remember your blood pressure Kev. They are only young kids having a bit of fun,” she soothed and turned to face the trio in an attempt to pacify them.
“Fun,” shouted Kev, “I’ll show them bloody fun.”
“Shoosh love, Kevin settle down,” whispered Natalie distractedly. She let go of her husband and tried to sniff the air surreptitiously while a kind of fear marked with excitement trickled out of her eyes. Anna watched, shocked as her mother mouthed the word ‘Leo’ several times with almost a longing. Her head turned slowly and she looked into all the corners of the room before she shook her herself briskly and turned back to Anna.
Natalie pulled herself together and swiftly carried on, “When I was growing up all the tall tales about Uncle Les involved a couple of chaps. Their names were, oh I can’t remember. But one started with ‘B’ and the other fellow had a missing hand. I think they called him Piano something, umm Piano man Pat. His name was Patrick and the other fellow was … I don’t know,” Natalie scrunched up her face in a mock concentrated effort to retrieve the name, trying hard not to breathe in the horrible smokey smell.
“I don’t give a damn if his name was ‘Blue eyed Bob,” stormed Kevin.
“It was Bill! I just remembered it, his name was Bill.” Natalie gave a little weak smile.
“Please don’t encourage this nonsense Nat darling. The fact is our room is trashed and,” he stomped his way over to the table, “your table is damaged AND I can smell pooh.” He sniffed the air suspiciously. He put his hands on either side of his naked paunch and began to search for the offensive logs.
By now, Natalie was gripped by a memory and burbled on, “Bill and Pat were quite attached to Les. The two of them used to get invited to all our family events. It was always someone else’s wedding, baptism or twenty-first. They sat in on the edge of someone else’s life. They would drink and smoke and laugh loudly. And then go home to their lonely flats and the bottle. I was about ten years old when Les died. I remember his funeral. It was a very small affair—you know he fought in the First World War.”
Jacqui’s controlled crying became piteous again.
“So very sad,” she cried. Natalie put her arm around her. Anna turned to face her father.
“Dad, calm down. We had a little séance, that’s all. First we tried to contact Heath Ledger but he was not at home. So then we tried Uncle Les. He was obviously otherwise engaged but he must have sent his mate Leo here instead,” said Anna evenly.
“Heath Ledger! For the love of God Anna, what would he want with a bunch of schoolgirls like you lot. NO offence Dylan.”
“None taken Mrs. G,” he whispered.
“Please Natalie, you aren’t helping,” fumed Kev.
“Let’s just say Jacqui had a vested interest in him,” Anna replied quickly and smiled at Jacqui.
Jacqui paused her sobbing to groan mournfully, “I’m so, so, so, so sorry Anna and Dylan and Mrs. Grey and Mr. Grey … and Uncle Leslie.” She hiccupped, sniffled and went limp with the effort of trying to control the tears that racked her petite frame.
Natalie faced the three friends and in her best motherese voice said, “Now sweethearts, Uncle Les would never visit a séance. He was a good Catholic man. He would never send anyone in his place,” she tried to laugh as if the thought was ridiculous but failed. She pulled her dressing gown closely as she announced loudly, “Séances are the work of the Devil. I think we all need a nice cup of tea and maybe a bickie.”
She looked around the room again. It certainly looked like the work of the Devil. Where is that unholy smell coming from? The smell … the smell … Natalie stood very still, her skin prickling and heart beating wildly. “I don’t remember a Leo attending the parties with Les, I do remember Pat had an eye for the ladies and I thought he was a bit of a creep … very inappropriate jokes after a beverage or two.”
“Look Mum,” Anna turned the photo over and showed her Les sitting next to an upright young man. “This is Leo. Uncle Les must have met up with Leo over in France. Look, it says France 1917. Leo might have been a West Aussie over there too. I don’t know, I know that this man’s name is Leo and we channelled him with no way of knowing that. It is only because of Leo’s poltergeisty hissy fit that the frame came apart. It confirmed the name. He confirmed his name. Look for yourself,” Anna turned the photo back over and passed it around.
Natalie’s hands trembled, “Nobody knows anything about Leo. Nobody. I often wondered what happened … I found the picture in my Great Aunt Agnes’ belongings after she died.”
“You can guess what happened to him mother, maybe he died shortly after the photo was taken. He looks pretty young. You said yourself Les never spoke about the war. I bet he would have told Bill and Pat,” she added softly.
“Long dead,” replied Natalie. She touched her chest with a closed fist, striking it gently three times in an antiquated fashion and then rubbing it like she had heartburn.
“You are so clever and brave Annakins, I only left you for a minute and you worked it all out,” said Jacqui, her voice warbled.
“Nothing is worked out Jacqui,” Anna replied flatly.
“Well you know what I think,” piped up Kevin, “I think we should apply Occam’s razor to this situation.”
“What’s that Mr. Grey?” asked Dylan. Anna and Natalie groaned.
“Occam’s razor is a way of looking at things. The most obvious answer is usually the right answer. The most obvious answer is you bloody kids had yourselves a little party and concocted this ghost rubbish to get yourselves out of trouble. Well, you don’t fool me, in fact liars make me very— ”
He stopped mid sentence as a nugget of dog poo hit his forehead and slowly slid down his nose. Kev was speechless. Lottie the puppy had plenty to say as she jumped yapping hysterically from Anna’s arms, through the open front door and into the cold frosty night.
Everyone was speechless. They watched as a turd made its way from under the table and smacked Kevin in the m
iddle of his beer belly. Kevin started screaming and ran to the back of the house with Natalie following close behind. As she moved through the doorframe, she looked back over her shoulder and shouted enraged, “Cut it out Leo, or I’m telling Mary Ellen again.” The third canine turd was dropped mid air.
Jacqui, Dylan and Anna stood frozen in the green room. Terror rooted them to the spot. They looked at each other mentally for a moment before Jacqui and Dylan tripped over each other’s feet as they dived for the doorway. Dylan emerged first into the chilly hallway and continued out into the freezing night. Jacqui stood in the passage and hugged herself for warmth, “Come on Anna, let’s go to Dylan’s.”
Anna shook herself and then began to move methodically. She picked up the paper napkin and proceeded to scoop the splattered poop off the floor. Jacqui tentatively placed her head through the open door, “What are you doing? Let’s get out of here!!”
“Someone has to clean up Lottie’s squirties, the rug is new and Mum loves it … it’s okay, he’s not here,” said Anna without looking up.
“How do you know?” asked Jacqui wide eyed.
“I get this feeling,” whispered Anna.
“You don’t do feelings, you do facts remember … something big is going on here Anna … BIG … come on Dyl, Anna says it’s okay.”
Jacqui and Dylan tiptoed back into the room. Jacqui picked up the throw rug from the chaise and wrapped it around herself but found herself still shivering uncontrollably. Wrapped in the handmade quilt with her hair tousled by the doorway breeze, she looked like a romantic and tragically poetic figure.
“The Lady of Shallot,” remarked Dylan without expression.
Jacqui opened her mouth and nothing came out.
“The dog is not to have cheese or dairy again. Ever,” said Anna looking at Dylan. Dylan’s head swivelled like a broken Ken doll as his mouth worked independently of his brain. He would not shut up, “It’s not my fault the dog shat itself, you are unbelievable … I nearly shat myself and I’m not lactose intolerant!”
Anna wasn’t cold, she felt a tingling sensation warm her heart and move through her body. Her heart felt better when she rubbed her sternum. She had a vague feeling she had watched her mother do the same thing minutes before.
“Your Mum, your Mum, she knows Leo. How can that be? What is going on here? Has every one gone mad?” asked Dylan. “She is so ordinary, no offence … I’m mean nice ordinary … if any of our Mums were going to be psychic I would have put my money on Corinne. I love your Mum, but is she a match for a poo flinging ectoplasm? NO offence poo flinging ectoplasm, that was kind of cool.” He continued to swivel his head from side to side, eyes like saucers.
“Yes,” answered Anna firmly. She continued to clean up. All the time she could feel her heart pleasantly burning.
“And who is this Mary Ellen?” asked Jacqui as she collapsed onto the chaise.
“Well whoever she is, I love her and your Mum,” said Dylan pulling up an upholstered chair. Tentatively, he sat down checking the chair for poo and ectoplasm then eyed the air suspiciously for falling spidery doilies.
“She is the scary one, I mean she is my Great Great Grandmother.” Anna scanned the photo wall—she wasn’t there. They found her on the far side of the room. The frame looked like a very naughty child had stamped up and down on her. Anna picked her up and gingerly fingered the fractured glass. Her fingers tingled. She showed the photograph to the others. “Yikes,” exclaimed Dylan, “It’s the “Woman in Black,” he jumped off his chair.
“The Woman in Black?”
“Didn’t you see the movie with that tiny Radcliffe fellow in it? She is evilness in a black lace bonnet, not unlike that one,” he pointed to Mary’s head attire.
“Do you think my mother would raise an evil witch?” laughed Anna.
“Three hours ago, no, but everything has changed. Everything has changed.” Dylan slumped down in his seat. His head was still shaking, “Everything has changed forever.”
The warm feeling in her chest turned to a feeling akin to being locked in a sauna. Leo was close. Anna had a flash of inspiration. “Please return from whence you came!” Nothing happened except Dylan sat bolt up right and said, “He is back and you’re talking like me. We’re screwed!”
“PISS OFF LEO!”
Anna restrained herself from telling Dylan to piss off too. At last, she could feel the cool night air. Dropping to the ground, she suddenly felt very tired.
“Leo, my friends and my Mum are really tired. My sister Beth is having a baby and my Dad has just started blood pressure medication, I mean, very strong heart pills. Please just go back to where you came from. Sorry for disturbing you,” she added shakily. A conciliatory smile wobbled temporarily on her face. “Please go away, I want this to end now.”
Jacqui stood up and dropped the blanket to the floor.
“Oh I’m so hot and I feel like I have a spider crawling on me.” She started slapping and swatting at herself. Anna could see one corner of Jacqui’s vintage peasant skirt move up by itself revealing her knees. Dylan started coughing and hacking and made a lunge for the outside world. The smell of cigarette and ash lay invisibly thick in the air.
Anna stood up and moved towards Jacqui. She embraced her in an awkward bear hug and danced her to the door. The warm sensation in her chest felt like an inferno. Jacqui’s eyes were glassy with fear and astonishment.
She didn’t let go until they were out on the verandah. She waltzed her into the beanbag. Anna put her hand to her chest, her heart was racing a little at the exertion of partnering Jacqui to safety. But it was not burning any more.
“He is not here, I get a feeling in my chest when he is close by.” Anna stood in the door way … nothing but when she tiptoed down the hall and approached the green room, a vague tingle pulsed through her arteries and she felt light as if her heart was made of coppery cable, tickling her chest and conducting messages she never thought possible. She leaned into the green room door and felt her heart palpitating. Leo was still there, “Please just go,” she whispered into the heavy door.
Anna returned to the verandah and found Dylan and Jacqui huddled together on the beanbag, bug eyed and delirious. Their teeth chattered and their hands shook. Dylan’s enormous feet twitched independently of each other.
“We are going home to my house, Anna,” whispered Dylan, “to say we are freaked out is an understatement. We will see you tomorrow.” And with that Dylan stood up and helped Jacqui unsteadily to her feet. As they passed through the front hedge gate, Jacqui turned and said tremulously, “I’ve always wanted to be touched by an angel, not poked by a poltergeist Annakins. I feel like I’m losing my mind.” She turned and walked numbly across the street, clutching at Dylan’s designer sweater. Jacqui is obviously recovering enough to make irritating statements.
Anna sighed heavily, relieved that the pair were gone and turned back to face the house. She could see her Mum standing in the doorway and remembered her whispering the name ‘Leo’ into the void of the green room, half expecting an answer.
“Time for a cup of tea love,” Nat said, tying up her dressing gown. “We might as well start at the beginning.”