by Tara Sue Me
“No, Kate. Please, ask me your question. I promise I'll answer as best I can.”
Why was it so hard to talk to him about it? It shouldn’t be difficult. Fortunately, he made it easy, giving her all the time she needed to come up with the way to ask a question. “I want to know, if I was with Cole for eight years why do you think I never told him about my fantasy?”
It was not the question he had expected her asking. That much was obvious from the surprised look on his face. She appreciated that he didn't answer right away. Instead, he closed his eyes, and thought.
She felt better once she asked her question even though he wasn’t answering quickly. The important part was she’d asked and he would help her understand why she felt this way.
“Okay,” he said. “Here’s what I think. You were with Cole a long time and, as a result, you knew what he liked, what he didn’t like. You knew what he would do and wouldn't do, right?”
She nodded. "Yes."
“You were very much aware of Cole's needs when you served him.”
She was taken aback he’d even noticed her when she was with Cole. It didn’t seem like the best time to bring it up, however, so she kept quiet and nodded for him to continue.
“Maybe you knew what you wanted in your fantasy was outside of his comfort zone. And because you respected him and didn’t want to put him in a position where he felt like he needed to do something about that fantasy, you didn’t say anything. Am I making sense?”
She nodded. He was, in fact, he was making a lot of sense.
“The thing is though, as a slave,” he continued, “it’s your responsibility to tell him everything about how you feel. Everything you want. Even if it doesn’t line up with what he's doing. Because you are his responsibility, all of you, including your fantasies. Understand?”
"Yes," she said. "It was just me being a good slave."
“I wouldn't say that,” he said. “I think it has more to say about your relationship with Cole than what it does about you being a slave.”
“Really?”
“Yes,” he said. “It's not the responsibility of a slave to decide what to tell and what not to tell her master. You should tell your master everything. Even if it makes you uncomfortable. Even things you think he doesn’t want to hear. Maybe especially those things. That is what a slave is supposed to do. Understand?”
She did.
“Say it,” he said in that Dom voice of his that sent wicked shivers throughout her body. But damn, he didn’t expect her to call him ‘sir’ did he?
“Yes,” she said.
His gaze didn't waver. “You know what I would do to you if you were my slave?”
She didn't want to hear his answer because she feared how her body might react. Determined not to let him affect here, she challenged him. “Why don’t you tell me?
He lowered his head, so she felt his breath. “If you were mine, I’d tell you to go to the playroom and pick out what I would use on you. Each implement you picked up, I’d detail how I’d use it on you. Then I’d finally allow you to situate yourself over the bench. I’d ask you why you were being punished and then I’d give it to you. I’d make sure it never crossed your mind to not tell me how you felt and what you needed. You understand?”
“Yes,” she ground out, hoping that in doing so she could give off a vibe that conveyed she was unaffected.
She didn't think it worked.
One look at his face told her it didn't.
He continued. “I would cover your backside so hard and heavy, you’d feel me for two weeks. You’d tell me everything you thought just to make sure you didn't forget to tell me something important again. Never keep a secret from your Master for his sake. You honor your Master by telling him what you feel and need. Otherwise, how can he give you either? If you don’t tell him everything, he is worthless. That's not how the dynamic works. Do you understand?”
She nodded. Not trusting herself to speak.
“I’ll tell you something else I understand,” he continued. “When I talk about how I would punish you, you love it. Not only that, but you’d love every minute if I were to do it to you right now. In fact, if you weren’t so damn adamant that you were vanilla. I would do it in a heartbeat. I’d flip you over my knee and start on you with my hand. Give that ass the thrashing it deserves, and when I thought you’d had enough, I’d have you deep throat my cock, getting it nice and hard so I could fuck your ass and really work you over.”
She closed her eyes because she knew he told the truth. She whispered, "I’m sorry I can’t be what you need."
He sighed. “Damn it, Kate. It's not you being something that I need. It’s you admitting what you need. What you want. That's my problem and what I have an issue with.”
“Funny,” she said. “That’s not the impression I got listening to you talk just now. I thought it was about me not being honest with Cole, not about what I wanted or what I needed.”
His voice was hard as steel. “Did it not occur to you that admitting your fantasy is admitting what you need and want? That they're the same. You can't do one and not do the other. What do you not understand about that?”
She sucked in a breath just as the truth of what he said hit her. She didn’t know what she wanted or needed. For so long she'd been who she thought she needed to be with Cole and now she had no idea who she was without him. “I don’t know anything about who I am.”
“And I’m afraid I’ve only made it worse,” he said. “It was wrong to be vanilla for you. It only confused the issue. I'm sorry.”
Her head was so full of what she’d just realized, she had no idea what to say or even how to start.
“I should leave,” he said, standing.
“No. Don’t leave on my account.”
He looked as if he were in pain when he turned. “It’s not you, it’s me. I made a mistake and did nothing but confuse the matter. I…” He looked up and blinked a few times before dropping his gaze to her. “I'm sorry about everything.”
She froze over the turn in the conversation. Without saying another word, he turned and walked to the door. She watched him leave, unsure if she should speak or try to stop him. It was going to hurt when he left, but she couldn’t make herself move.
She wanted to be angry with him but she couldn’t. Not for trying to be what she wanted. He’d only done it for her.
By the end of the next week, her time in Wilmington was almost over. Her part of the project was nearing completion. In fact, could've left earlier. Nobody had questioned her remaining, but they would. Soon.
If she wanted, she could give a reason or two to delay her departure, but she’d never been one to hang around if she wasn’t needed. Besides, projects and clients waited at home.
Leaving a project had never made her before and though she might lie to others and say she’d miss the entire group, that wasn’t the whole truth. She'd miss Fritz, and she didn’t know what to do with that knowledge anymore than she knew what to do with what she’d learned about herself.
She looked up from the table she’d claimed as her desk. Construction was well underway. Another sign she needed to leave. Fritz would be busy in the months to come. Right now, he and one of the construction crew’s foreman discussed something. He crossed his arms and she could see the outline of the muscles under his shirt. As if he felt her gaze, he glanced her way and gave a half smile before returning to his conversation.
She didn't think she'd be happy vanilla. In fact, she knew she wouldn't be, but she also knew she wouldn’t be a slave again, either. How could she think about getting into a relationship if she didn’t know what she wanted?
What she needed was time to think. Somewhere alone. Somewhere away from Fritz and the whole group and everybody else who was trying to fill her head with so many things. They were good things. They were things she needed to think about. But most of all, she needed to do it in her own time and space.
And she needed to do it without Fritz around, becau
se if she didn’t, she feared she'd turn herself into what he wanted and not what she needed.
She’d taken what he said about her inability to share her fantasy with Cole and examined it for herself. There was truth in what he’d said. Cole had never said or done anything to imply he couldn’t handle her fantasies. She had made that decision for him, for them both, and that had been wrong.
Recognizing that, she realized she wasn’t ready to head back to New York just yet.
She had one more thing to do.
11
Late in the morning the next Saturday, Kate pulled into the driveway of Cole and Sasha’s house. She couldn’t help but think as she drove up the driveway, how it compared to the house they’d once shared. This one was more private; he now had a lot of land. He would like that, he always liked his privacy and would often comment that he wanted more land than what they had in New York. She was glad he’d finally got what he wanted. It looked more traditional than the contemporary they’d lived in. Although, she imagined the inside would be relatively the same. She couldn’t believe his tastes would have changed that much.
As she got out of the car, she wondered if she should've called first. Just to let them know that she was coming. It didn't occur to her until that exact moment that there might be nobody at home. She walked up the driveway to the door anyway and knocked.
Sasha opened the door. “Kate,” she said, surprised, but opening the door wide open. “Come on in. How are you?”
Kate couldn’t help but smile at Cole’s new girlfriend/submissive. She was always so happy. “I'm doing well thank you. Is Cole here? I came by to speak with him before I headed out.”
Sasha shook her head. “No, he had a breakfast meeting with Nathanial.” She looked at her watch. “He should be back in about forty-five minutes, if you’d like to wait?”
Normally, she would say no, thank you and she’d come back later, but this time, there was no later. It was now or nothing. “If you don't mind, I’ll wait. But only if it won’t impose on you.”
“No.” Sasha shook her head. “Not at all. Please come in and wait.”
She led her into the house, and Kate saw she'd been right. The house actually looked like Cole. Although, she saw a few pieces that must've been Sasha’s influence. And that made her smile.
“Would you like something to drink?” Sasha asked, as they stepped into the kitchen. “Coffee? Tea? Juice?”
“Tea, thank you.”
“So tell me,” Sasha asked while getting out two cups. “Were you a tea drinker before Cole? I have to admit, I’ll drink tea, but I prefer coffee.”
Kate smiled. “Actually, before Cole, I was a coffee drinker. I guess living with an Englishman changed me.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever change that much.” Sasha wrinkled her nose. “I don’t mind it and I’ll drink it, but I don’t see it replacing coffee.”
Kate watched as Sasha reached for the loose leaf tea. “You know what?” Kate asked before she opened the canister. “I’ve changed my mind, let’s have coffee.”
Sasha turned around. “Are you sure?”
“Very.”
She placed the tea back in the pantry and started the coffee. When both cups were ready, Sasha lifted an eyebrow and nodded toward the kitchen table. Kate walked over and joined her. She took her cup and sat down.
Sasha took a sip and sighed. “Nope. Never going to change.”
Kate closed her eyes at the strong taste of the brew. “Heaven,” she agreed.
“You know,” Sasha said a few minutes later when they were sufficiently caffeinated. “When I first heard of you, I was in awe.”
Of her? Kate tilted her head.
“Because not only had you been Cole’s girlfriend and submissive, but you lived as his slave for eight years and it amazed me. What type of woman would it take to do that?” Sasha shook her head. “I couldn’t fathom it.”
Sometimes she couldn’t believe it either. Eight years. How was that even possible?
“Cole’s always said it’s the baby issue that caused us to split, but I believe it was more. If it had only been about kids, I’m sure we could have worked it out.” Kate started and then stopped. She took a deep breath. It was time. “I think it was several things. Like, I got comfortable with Cole. Looking back now, I knew he wasn’t the great love of my life, but he was comfortable and I think a part of me decided that I could just be comfortable until the great love came around.”
God, that made her sound shallow. Like she was using him. But Cole had been using her as well. Surely he knew she wasn’t his great love either. He’d grown comfortable, too.
“I won’t lie,” Kate continued. “Comfort has a lot of things going for it. I can see how it’d be easy to settle for comfort. But that’s what you’re doing. Settling. The day that hit me was the day I walked out on Cole. I knew we both deserved better than settling.” She glanced at the collared submissive before her. “Looking at you with him now, I see I was correct.”
“Thank you,” Sasha said. “I'm not sure how much you know about my life before Cole.”
Kate shook her head. She knew nothing about the woman who owned Cole’s heart. But as Sasha spoke, she saw reflected in her eyes knowledge beyond her years.
“I won’t bore you with unnecessary details. The short of it is that I was hurt in a scene. Badly. Afterward, I became terrified and nervous and unsure. In fact, I decided not to be in the lifestyle anymore. But it didn’t take me long to realize that without submission, I was miserable. And, for a stretch of time, I thought I could live with being miserable. Miserable seemed easier than being afraid and I saw those as my choices: misery or fear.”
Kate nodded, understanding what she was saying.
“One day, I decided I’d had enough misery and I was so miserable, fear looked good. The way I saw it, a good Dom might help with my fear, but I was alone with my misery. And it also hit me that if I could get over the fear, I wouldn’t be miserable anymore. Does any of that make sense?”
“Yes, and I see how it relates to you, but I’m not sure how to relate it to my situation.”
Sasha took a sip of coffee. “I think we all have our own choices. Mine was between misery and fear. I’m not sure what yours are, but I’m sure they're there. Decide which one you can live with. Or if facing one will also take care of the other.”
“That makes sense.”
“The other thing that helped me was making a list of what I wanted and what I needed. Then I looked at each item and asked myself what I wanted out of life, what was important and armed with that information, if the item on my list was something I could live without.”
Kate looked at Sasha stunned. “Wow.”
She smiled. “Sorry, that’s way too deep for a conversation before noon, but maybe it’ll help.”
Kate could only nod as she tried to take in everything the woman beside her had just explained.
Sasha jumped up at the sound of a car pulling up the driveway. Kate didn’t miss the excitement and love on her face.
When Cole walked in, he didn’t look at Kate. He focused his attention on his submissive who stood to her feet and walked across the floor to kneel before him.
Sasha kept her eyes on his as she spoke. “I’m glad you’re home, Master.”
Cole slipped his fingers through her hair and his smile was so genuine, it almost made Kate weep. “Hello to you, little one,” he said to the woman at his feet and held a hand out to her. “Come here and give me a kiss.”
Only when he finished greeting Sasha, did he acknowledge Kate’s presence.
“Hello, Kate,” he said, with his arm around Sasha. “Welcome to our home.”
It seemed that her talk with Sasha made the conversion with Cole seem anti-climatic. Cole was kind and told her it was fine. He said it was water under the bridge that she shouldn’t worry about. But she told him she did worry because she believed she left things in a bad place with him, and that they deserved better after all thei
r years together.
She admitted she was not as clear and honest with him as she could have been when they were together. She ended by telling him the breakup wasn’t his fault and that it was hers. He shook his head and said no, there were two people in the relationship and it ended due to them both. He added that some things weren’t meant to be.
On her way back to the guesthouse, she felt peaceful. She had Cole back, though as a friend this time, and it felt wonderful. Plus, she had made a new friend in Sasha.
As she packed to go home, she also thought about what she wanted. Giving up, she put aside her clothes and grabbed a sheet of paper and a pen. At the top she wrote WHAT I WANT and then listed what came to mind though not in any particular order. “I want to be submissive, but not all the time.” She would not be a full-time slave again, that part of her life was done and not to be revisited.
Number two was, “I want it hardcore when I am submissive.” She had enjoyed the scene with Fritz. It didn’t have to remain a fantasy. Not if that was what got her off the most. She would embrace it without shame.
Number three made her laugh. Sometimes she wanted “Extended play lasting for days. Sometimes.” Because she had enjoyed being a slave, just not all the time.
Four: “Bossy when not in a scene.” The truth was the truth and there was no need to deny or pretend otherwise. It was time she stopped trying to please everyone because it would never happen.
Five: “Alone time” Sometimes she had to have it and that was that. Anyone who wanted to be with her long term would have to learn to live with it. Bottom line.
She felt a little depressed when she looked over the list. There was too much there and some of it seemed to contradict itself. But there she was on paper and it left her sad because there was no way anybody could agree to all those things. No way one person could check all the boxes she needed checked.