by Aaron D. Key
* * *
I had been asleep but I was woken by someone moving around my room. I tried to remain looking asleep because I did not wish to speak to anyone. There was a confusion of very quiet noise; of breathing and rustling. Through slitted eyes, I didn’t recognise the slight figure prowling in the semi-dark.
They walked forward towards my bed, and then at the sight of another sleeping form in a chair – Glant, I thought – they stood still.
I was balanced on the edge of sleep. Although I was aware of the waking world, I was striving hard to maintain the comfortable warmth of sleep around me. The footsteps began to move away stealthily, silently. Suddenly there was a crash as a knocked piece of furniture scaped against the solid stone floor. I had a sudden hope that it was Rael again: a lightening of heart, a thrill of expectation.
“What in the name of power are you doing, Herai?” It was Glant’s voice, calm and quiet, trying not to wake me.
“I’m sorry, Glant, I’m lost. I was trying to find my way to my room but everything is so confusing.”
“You are not even in the right building, you ridiculous child,” Glant said.
“I am nearly twenty,” Herai said indignantly. “Hardly a child.”
“You know that I am much older than you. You are a child to me.” I could tell that Glant was secretly fond of Herai in exactly this way: the way of an old man noticing the antics of an engaging and harmless but annoying child, even though Glant no longer looked old.
“I’m sorry, Glant. Is this your room?” Herai said meekly.
“No, this is Damon Ich’s room. I am keeping an eye on him because he was not well.”
“What is the matter with him?” Herai asked in a suspiciously innocent tone.
“He just seems tired and unfocused. You can tell Monta and Koa that, if they’re curious.” This seemed a bit pointed and it sounded like Herai turned to leave as a result.
“Goodnight, Herai.”
The voices stopped and sleep reclaimed me. I remembered the conversation the next day with uncertainty. Had it been real or had it been a dream?
* * *
When I woke again I was ashamed. The block was still there in my head like a lump of dough. I was in my own room and it felt right, welcoming after my long journey and many sleeps on hard ground. I could smell the subtle tang of stone, hear the echoes I was used to, and feel the comfort of my own mattress.
Was this still the problem with time? Was it still moving away from the true direction into a future in which I did not exist? And what did Glant’s appearance have to do with this undesirable future?
“Are you feeling better?” Glant asked calmly. His voice made me jump. I thought I was alone, forgetting the nightly voices. He stood up from the shadow he was hiding in.
“I think I am,” I said, unwilling to go into the detailed explanation for why I was not. “Why are you here?” I asked bluntly. I was confused. His voice sounded different, smooth like silk, not like the honey of his thoughts.
“Your sister said that someone should sit with you, although I did assure her that it would make no difference to you. I volunteered. I prefer the quiet of your room to the accusing stares of your people. For some reason, your sister is the only one who has accepted me without obvious suspicion – I think only because she has absolute faith in your recommendation. I have been waiting for you to wake up so you can convince a few more people I can be trusted.”
“Is it so bad?” I said sympathetically.
“Imagine it, Damon Ich. You have spent years seeking ways of protecting yourself against people you thought had strength to hurt you. In doing so you have crushed them, annihilated hopes and dreams. You never asked me what crimes I committed, by the way. I thought at the time, and I still think, that it was as well. I should not care to have you soiled by the knowledge of my past life.
“But back to the point, despicable and seeing a reflection of your own self-loathing in the eyes of those whose lives you have tried to rule, could you face them with easy poise across the dining room table? I find that I can’t.”
“Yet,” I answered thoughtfully, “despite the past I have chosen to believe in you. You have set aside the power of tyranny because you know that this is the only way for you to find happiness. Your conscience has plagued you for years and you wish to silence it with my help. This is what I believe. Perhaps it is the case that the only love you can hope for in this place is your own love, and yet that should be enough for any man.”
I did not know what I was talking about, I was only babbling about love to give him comfort. I sat up slowly, afraid the explosion would start again, but I could see the view across the courtyard to the far hills of the valley, to the distant horizon in which glimpses of the desert wall could be imagined if not seen.
The sun was shining. I had slept late. It seemed to be a mellow day and little was stirring outside. There were a few people working in a distant field and children playing in a corner of the garden. I could almost hear their voices, just as children’s voices always sound in play. It seemed peaceful and I knew I had to grasp this calm moment to try and work out why I was ceasing to exist and to put it right. The universe was giving me a gentle nudging – although it had not felt very gentle last night. And if this did not provide the outcome the universe wanted, the hints would turn into buffets and finally knockout punches until the change was made or the past changed irrevocably. It was unfortunate that the debilitating effect of the hint left less energy for the process of finding out what change was needed and how to make it.
As I slowly explored my room, I thought I saw Rael as he had appeared to me in this room before – a broken wreck of a man with blank eyes. There was confusion in his face followed by sudden realisation: I was looking at my reflection in the glass doors of my bookshelves. I looked rough. Glant still seated by my bed, on the other hand, looked no older than thirty, with a golden beard and hair neatly trimmed. This was what I had started to see last night before the pain started.
“Have they given you somewhere to live, Glant? A room of your own?”
He shrugged. “I believe they have. I haven’t seen it yet. I have been looking after you.”
“I am happy to release you from that burden,” I said and felt cruel.
“It has not been a burden. I feel safe here. I feel happy here.” I could tell that Glant was old and wise – whatever his current appearance – because he was ignoring my hints and concentrating on his own wishes with infinite ease. I remembered that Glant had shown that he had been here before, but here in this room – was that what he meant?
Worry made me sound harsher than I intended as I said, “I am grateful to you for your attention but why don’t you go and find your own home now? Let the steward know if there is anything you need for it.”
He answered meekly. “I will, Damon Ich.” Then he left the room. I was surprised, expecting that he would sidestep this suggestion as easily as the others. I heard his footsteps on the stone flags of the stairwell disappearing gradually. Then I felt guilty dismissing him like that. I wanted to be on my own, but was that sufficient reason to exclude him from a place he felt happy?
When he had gone I washed and changed out of the despised clothes I had acquired in the desert tower. With the desert dirt washed out of my skin and hair I felt better but I was reluctant to look in a mirror again. I sat briefly in the window seat and contemplated time.
The trouble had started with Glant – I was sure of that – and whatever his plan was in making himself look younger was endangering the future. I did not think it was a conscious plan. He seemed as troubled by my sudden illness as I was. I intended to stay away from him as much as I could.
“Good morning, Damon Ich!” my sister called up from the stairwell.
“Hello!”
“I met Glant and he told me you were feeling better finally. What happened
to you?”
I explained as much as I could about the events of the last few days, and she looked as baffled as I felt when I had finished.
“We’ve messed up time?” Ann asked.
“I don’t know if we have messed it up but we might not have done everything we need to do to sort out the mess it was in before. It’s a tipping point. Everything that has gone before has led to this moment and every action now is vital. I have work to do before I can feel completely like myself again. I think it affects Rael and his children.”
“In which case I don’t understand why Tan and I are unaffected; we are both older than you, after all. You should continue your investigation.”
“I would but it’s hard without understanding what the problem is. Any action I take without understanding might make it worse. I suppose I should take back the power now.”
“I would be so very glad, Damon Ich. I do not know how you can bear it. I have felt so removed from everyone and so unchallenged, as everything is too easy,” Ann said.
“Well, I suppose I have got used to it,” I said, trying to be tactful about my lack of choice in the matter.
“Are you ready?” she asked.
I nodded. I saw her face clearly again. The power flowed through her back to me. I could see it leave her skin and her blood.
“You are human again.” I laughed.
She smiled.
“Did everything go alright with Rael in the past?”
“I think so. He has acquired the power. He is learning how to survive.”
I thought I could go and check but then I thought of Glant’s changed appearance. It had been so significant, and he was so beautiful now that I suspected he was looking for love. Why would Glant finding love cause a problem with time? It suggested that he had some significant action to perform. I remembered that he said he thought that, that love would hinder his performing.
I needed to keep an eye on Glant. Perhaps I needed to become the obstacle in his love life. It was not a role I was looking forward to.
I thought of Koa and felt better.
“How are the visitors from Glant’s city doing?” I asked.
“We have found them quarters,” Ann replied. “They seem to have settled in as well as you could expect in one day.”
She sounded reluctant, and I aired a question silently.
“To be honest they are mostly as good as gold. Koa and Cailo are lovely. Glant hasn’t left your side for an instant, in spite of our polite insistence we could look after you ourselves, but there is one called Monta who shows an ingenious ability to get drunk, even here. Another called Herai has not been slow to join him, in spite of being scarcely more than a child, but I do not think our way of life will suffer because of their influence. People pity them and think them odd instead of thinking of copying their example.
“It is strange how easy it is to like Glant? Were it not that the other visitors will not talk to him and even fall silent in his presence, it’s hard to believe he was the man you set out to confront.”
“Yes, I think I like him too,” I said uneasily.
“I was going to ask if you would keep an eye on him. He is feeling very isolated, unloved,” Ann said.
“You are very thoughtful and kind. But I’ve just asked him to leave my room,” I confessed.
“Well you might get a chance to check up on him. I assume you’re not going to be spending the rest of the day in bed. There’s some important reading to be done that may help in sorting out this problem with time. Do you remember when we found Rael reading your guardian’s diary? It’s an interesting journal. I’ve put it on your desk.” And with this, she left.
Wishing to start right away, I stepped over to my desk. The book was opened it at what I assumed Ann thought was a relevant page.
These diaries were not personal records; they were intended as public documents so that the beneficial activities of the power holder could be scrutinised and assessed. Rael considered that as the main purpose of our society was to support these activities, people should be aware of them. My current diary was on a desk in the Great Hall in case anyone wanted to read about my adventures. (I needed to update this at some point for the last few days, I reminded myself.) Even so, the character of each of the power holders was clearly evident from their records.
I began to read.
* * *
It was a clear day and I decided to rouse myself and launch my presence upon the ungrateful universe. On Rael’s Hill, I couldn’t feel the right place to go – which was unusual, as the universe was normally keen to guide me – so I decided on the place where the unnatural pond shimmered into a symmetrical snowflake shape with eight sides and I waited, unsure.
* * *
I remembered my guardian talking about this place. I think she had even taken me there once when I was young. I had never found it again before or after her death. I assumed it was some construct of her mind.
* * *
On the side of this unnaturally white and still pond there was a shelter with a seat built by me for my use when in this state of uncertainty. One thing was certain, though. I was never unsure unless there was a purpose to waiting, and so I settled down patiently – although I did not know why.
On the other side of the pond, I thought I saw a change of light, a blurring of the constant brightness that surrounded this completely artificial place. After staring for a few minutes, I knew that I was right and the blurring took on the shape of a man: an imperfectly shaped man, lopsided or perhaps carrying a bundle. I knew that this was impossible as no other person in the universe had the power to make the journey to this place that mostly existed inside my head, and yet here he was.
I watched as he carried on walking, ignoring the laws of science as he treated the surface of the water like solid earth. As he grew closer, I could see that his footsteps did not even move the water. No water drops splashed. No ripples formed. I could not see his face, covered as it was by a large hooded grey cloak. His outline was that of a huge deformed giant, but as he grew closer, I could see that he was of a normal height, as though it was my perception of perspective that was at fault. He stepped off the water, solid for him as ice, and continued across the grass to stand in front of me. I wondered if he meant me any harm. My heartbeat quickened slightly but I tried to stay calm.
I stood up to greet this stranger but as I rose he knelt before me.
“Greetings, my great, great granddaughter!”
This explained much. My great, great grandfather was renowned for not accepting limits. Of course, he was dead, which meant he was here despite his own guidance that we should not travel through time on our own planet. This could also explain why he was here, rather than in any real space – to limit the damage that he might do.
“Greetings, Rael!” I held out my hands to help him to his feet, unwilling that he should kneel before me, although it was clear that he did so to ensure I felt no threat. As he rose, I could see in his face that he was not at peace. His eyes were small and unnaturally red. There was a deep frown on his brow and his mouth was set grimly.
“I am here to do something that has to be done, although I do not wish to do it. I am sorry to place this burden upon you but I have no choice. Unless I act in this way, our world would never have been, you and this child would never have existed, and I would have died a long time ago.”
As he spoke, he turned round to remove the bundle from his back and I could see now that it was a child, not a baby but not much more than one. He swung it round and stood it before me. The child looked up at me as if unimpressed and didn’t let go of Rael’s hand.
“You must raise this child. His name is Damon Ich. Train him so that he can succeed you when you are ready to let go. Can you try to love him, and if you find you can’t, can you find someone else to love him? He is so little. I would hate to think of him growi
ng up with no love when he should have had so much.”
“I will try,” I said. I had no choice, just as Rael said he had no choice. I could not disbelieve him.
“Thank you,” Rael said. “I will try to visit you one more time, so think of me before the end. Think of me and I will do my best to repay you.”
He knelt down beside the boy and gave him a hug, which the child returned. Rael turned and left. I could see that he was no longer able to talk to me. He walked back straight through the middle of the pond as if it were not there. When he was far enough away that we could not make out his face, he turned and waved. The child beside me waved but showed no emotion in his face. I was about to turn and return to Herron when I saw an even stranger sight. The blur of light that was Rael’s figure had been joined by another, slighter but similar in height. How I wished I could hear what they were saying but the gesticulations and body language seemed to indicate a dispute of some sort. Then they hugged, just as Rael had hugged the child, and shortly after evaporated into mist. I picked up the child, expecting a rejection but his body was limp like the bundle he had appeared to be.
I knew that Rael understood something of me. He had not demanded love from me for the child, only that I found someone to love him, and I thought I knew the right people: a couple with a three-year-old daughter whose hopes for a big family had been spoilt by disease. If they were happy to take him in, then I could forget about him, at least until he had learned to talk.
* * *
I placed the book back on the desk thoughtfully and bit my lip. The child was obviously me. It was not so obvious where Rael had brought the child from, or where he had brought me from, I should say. It made me feel strange and alien – reading about myself in this way. I had always believed that I belonged to Herron absolutely and now it was not even certain that I had been born here.
Was I Rael’s son – the one he had been so certain that he would have because he had already seen his future in the past? I think Rael believed I was his son but surely this was just one possibility, unless he knew something I didn’t? What was it that Rael said when he had said goodbye? Something like, Sorry, Damon Ich. I know why I acted as I did, that I had no choice. I hope all will become clear to you, one day, and you will forgive me.