Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat.
Kyler remains dutifully silent at my side as I direct all my focus to the door. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat.
Everyone knows. Everyone at Bel Air Learning Academy knows. I will never live it down; they will never let me. Kyler could die. Jacob could die. My dad could die.
Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release.
He touches my shoulders, and for some reason I turn to face him and scream, “Don’t touch me!”
He raises his hands in an instant, palms forward. His eyes are wide, watching the true horror of OCD me unfolding before him. He’s helpless to stop the spiral, and so am I.
Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat.
Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat.
Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat.
A car comes barreling into the driveway, its engine’s purring quieted by the slamming of its door.
“Josh,” Kyler says frantically. “Please…I don’t know what to do.”
DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE MEASURES
Random Thoughts of a Random Mind
I LOATHE THE DESPERATION LACED through my voice. I despise the helplessness that put it there. And I abominate the beast hijacking Lennon’s thoughts right now, but most of all I vehemently detest Andrea for doing this.
Josh glares at me, as though I’m the reason Lennon is falling apart. He doesn’t acknowledge that I kept her together—at least enough to get home—but instead he rushes over to where his daughter continues to pull at the door handle of my car while I stand there and watch in stunned horror. “What happened?” he demands.
“I—I—” Shit. How am I supposed to explain this? “Lennon.” I gesture toward her. “She—We were at an assembly and—”
Lennon stops pulling the door handle, spins, and demands, “Don’t tell him!”
Her sudden order catches me off guard, making me pause long enough for Josh to slaughter me with his eyes. “Tell me what happened.”
My gaze falls to Lennon. She asked me not to tell him, but as I watch her, yanking the door handle with her forehead pressed to the frame of the door and her eyes closed, I know I have to. Her cheeks are wet, her mouth forming silent words. She’s counting.
Back to Josh. He’s watching Lennon and his expression has softened. His voice is now desperate and pleading. “She’s my daughter, Kyler. Please, you need to tell me what happened.”
What Josh is about to find out is that I’m desperate, too. She doesn’t want me to say a word, but I can’t bear to watch this a second longer. I can’t stand here and witness her coming undone and not try to help. Problem is, I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to make it better. Maybe he does. Maybe he can help her. “We were at an assembly and someone had pictures of Lennon’s medical records displayed on the projector. The whole school knows.”
Lennon stands up straight, turns like a soldier, and marches toward the door of the house. She doesn’t speak to me. She doesn’t look at me. She just walks away.
THOUGHTS: MY MOTHER DIED IN A CAR
GOING SOMEWHERE. BUT AT LEAST SHE HAD A
DESTINATION. I DIE INSIDE STANDING STILL.
ONE. TWO. THREE. FOUR. FIVE. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On.
Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On.
Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat.
Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat.
EVEN THE BIGGEST DREAMS CAN SHATTER…
Random Thoughts of a Random Mind
IT’S BEEN THREE HOURS SINCE she walked away without a backward glance. I’ve texted her seventeen times, and now I’m bordering on stalker. Josh won’t answer the door. A silver BMW I’ve never seen before takes up real est
ate on the driveway at their house and I’m going to vomit. I can’t stop pacing. Her pieces are breaking—all of them—and there’s nothing I can do.
THOUGHTS: ONE. TWO. THREE. FOUR. FIVE. ONE. TWO.
THREE. FOUR. FIVE. ONE. TWO. THREE. FOUR. FIVE. ONE.
TWO. THREE. FOUR. FIVE. ONE. TWO. THREE. FOUR. FIVE.
ONE. TWO. THREE. FOUR. FIVE. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On.
Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On.
Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat.
Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Pull. Release. Repeat.
JUST TRY TO STOP ME…
Random Thoughts of a Random Mind
SILAS SENDS ME A TEXT. Is Lennon okay? Am I okay? And what about our gig next week? But I don’t have the answers for any of those questions. I’m texting him back, telling him I don’t know if she’s okay and I don’t know if I’m okay and I don’t know about the gig, when I spot Jacob walking across the yard. His camera is clutched in his hands, and he’s examining something on its display.
I toss my phone on the bed and fly down the stairs, through the kitchen and out the patio doors. Hurdling the corner of the pool, I holler, “Jacob! Jake!”
He stops, turns his head, smiles, and jogs toward the fence. “Hi, Kyler.”
“Hey, bud, listen, I need your help.”
His spine straightens. “What’s wrong?”
“You wanna be a reporter, right?”
His head bobs. “And a superhero,” he reminds me.
“Right. Well, I need you to do a little investigating,” I say, trying to catch my breath. Damn, it’s been a minute since I’ve exerted this much physical effort on anything. “Just like a reporter.”
He considers what I’ve put forth. “I’m good at that, but should I get you a water first?”
I’m huffing and puffing and wheezing something fierce.
“No thanks. I need you to go inside and make sure Lennon’s okay.”
Jacob shakes his head. “Daddy told me to go outside and wait for him.”
“Did you see Lennon? Do you know what she’s doing?”
“No.”
“Can you go back inside, pretend you need a drink or something, and try to find out?” I can’t believe I’m asking a kid to lie, but I’m desperate.
“Daddy might get mad, but I can try to sneak in. I’m good at sneaking.”
“Can you come back here and tell me?”
“Sure,” he says.
“Be as quick as you can, okay?”
He nods, turns, and runs toward the house.
He doesn’t return, so I head back inside. I spend the next hour pacing back and forth. A caged animal with a deep sense of unease and constant demand for motion. Where’s Jacob? What’s taking him so long? What is going on with Lennon? My thoughts are silenced, the spell broken by a knock at the door.
It’s about time. I spring to my feet and head toward the stairs, but before I can descend them, the knocking gets progressively louder, more forceful. There’s a small, thinning patch of my father’s hair that—to his horror—is spreading. It shines as he walks, reflecting the light as he grabs the door handle.
The frantic knocking continues growing in intensity until an indignant fist pounds at the door. No way that’s Jacob. I stop, freeze, and wait to see who the owner of the rage is. Dad’s voice booms. “All right already. I’m coming.” He swings the door open, irritated.
Josh stands behind it. He reminds me of a computer-generated image enhanced to show a person how they will age. In four hours, he looks ten years older. I’m about to rush down the stairs and ask if she’s okay until he brandishes a cell phone. “Do you have any idea what your son has done?”
I don’t move a muscle.
“I beg your pardon?” My dad may be an asshole, but his pride extends to me, my sister, and my mom. We all reflect him, so when someone comes blasting accusations, he isn’t one to receive them calmly.
“Your son has single-handedly destroyed my daughter,” Josh says. “He posted a picture on Facebook and revealed Lennon’s mental illness to the entire student population.”
My dad grabs the phone from Josh’s hand. “Kyler would do no such thing,” he says. At least he’s right about that.
“I’d argue that there’s evidence right in front of your eyes that he did.”
No. He can’t possibly believe that. I bolt down the stairs. “I didn’t do it, Dad! I saw Andrea taking snapshots of something when I was at your house, Josh, a yellow folder—”
Josh’s eyes narrow in revulsion. He lowers his chin and speaks in a menacing tone. “And now you have the nerve to blame my stepdaughter. Andrea is a lot of things, but she would not do this.” He holds the cell phone up and wags it at me.
“You’re wrong,” I start to say. “I saw her—”
My words fall on deaf ears. Josh looks through me and glares at my dad. “I want your son to stay the hell away from my daughter.” He points at me. “If he doesn’t, I’ll get a restraining order.”
My dad gives a curt nod. “It won’t be a problem.”
He can’t be talking about me. Me? Stay away from Lennon? That will be a cold day in hell. “Oh yes, it will, Dad,” I offer. I look at Josh. “You can’t keep me away from her. Besides, a restraining order is stupid as fuck. You live next door.”
“Watch your goddamned mouth,” my dad snarls.
“Well, c’mon, Dad. What do you expect? Andrea framed me!”
I turn to Josh, not for forgiveness but maybe just an ounce of understanding. “Why would I rat myself out? I’m the one who brought her home, I’m the one who told you what happened. Doesn’t make any sense that I’d do all that if I were guilty. Josh, you have to believe me, I’d never hurt Lennon
, I’m in love with her—”
Dad’s fingers grasp the fabric of the back of my shirt. “Kyler! Get out of here. Shut up before you get yourself into more trouble!”
I move away and Dad says to Josh, “My son won’t come anywhere near your daughter. I’ll make sure of it.” He slams the door shut and turns to face me.
“I didn’t do it,” I say emphatically. “That stupid bitch Andrea—”
“Kyler!” he yells. The vein in his forehead looks like it’s about to pop. Just like it did the night of the fire. “Enough. So help me God, if you only listen to one thing I say—if one thing sinks into that thick and stubborn skull of yours—let it be this: You will not be seeing that girl under any circumstance.”
“Did you miss everything I just said?”
“Heard it loud and clear, son.”
“Then you probably heard that I’m in love with her. I hate to tell you this, old man, but there are two things on earth you don’t fight against. Mother Nature and love. Follow that law and life will be incredible, but if you try to fight either one of them, boom.” I make an explosion with my hands. “Game over.”
FACT: KYLER BENTON IS NOT A MONSTER AND MY FATHER HAS
GONE BLIND IN HIS OLD AGE BECAUSE HE CAN’T SEE IT.
WHEN I WAKE, JACOB’S CAPE acts as a makeshift pillow, wedged between the side of my face and a cold pane of glass. Fog floats in my brain, so it takes a moment to gather my bearings, but I’m in a car. We’re parked in a car. Dr. Linderman sits beside me, eyes cast down to his phone screen until I move the cape, bunch it up, and set it on my lap.
“Hi, kid,” he says. “How are you doing? We gave you a little something to make you sleepy.”
My eyes are weighed down by clouded thoughts. I press my palm to my temple, hoping to clear them.
All Our Broken Pieces Page 20